Chapter 40
40
SOPHIE
T hough she desperately wanted to see Gavin, she didn’t know what she would say to him. The lights were on in the house and she stared at the front windows from inside the parked car until her vision lost focus. She was nauseous and opened the car door to force air into her lungs.
After a silent count to ten, she went to the door and let herself in. Gavin was in the front room, crouching down by the sound system as he sorted through CDs. His feet were bare and he had a bottle of Smithwick’s Ale in one hand. He was the picture of ease, the exact opposite of what she felt.
“Hey, darlin’,” he said breezily. “That must’ve been another epic shopping session.”
She wondered if he would continue to lie, so she baited him. “It was. How’s Conor?”
“Good,” he said shortly, and set down his beer. “You all right?”
So Conor hadn’t called to warn his friend that he’d better work on his story. That was interesting.
“How’s Julia?” she asked. “Did you make up with her?”
Recognition flooded his face as he realized his misstep. He stood and moved toward her. “Listen?—”
“To what? More lies? No . I don’t want to hear it.”
She started to move toward the stairs but he quickly blocked her way.
“Come on, darlin’, don’t overreact,” he tried.
“Let me by.”
“Talk to me. You can’t just run off without talking to me. Give me a chance.”
Her anger rose and she looked at him, wanting him to see the hurt in her eyes. And the fury. “I gave you every opportunity to tell me the truth. I didn’t get jealous and demand to know why this girl kept crying to you. And you still chose to lie to me. And before you tell me that you didn’t lie, stop and think about the fact that you didn’t tell me the truth either.”
“You’re right,” he said, surprising her. “I didn’t. Because I didn’t?—”
“Everything is wrong here. Everything,” she said. “I need to go home.”
“You are home, Sophie. Don’t be rash.”
“All I’ve ever done is be rash when it comes to you. I spent my whole year in school here devoted to you. I left everything I had in L.A. for you. I didn’t once question whether you already had a goddamn girlfriend. And now look at what I’ve gotten myself into. I’m in another country, playing house with someone who isn’t really there.”
“That’s not true.”
She laughed bitterly as she finally pushed her way past him. Hurrying up the stairs to their bedroom, she pulled the diamond engagement ring off her finger. It was a dramatic gesture but she wasn’t interested in being reasonable at the moment.
“Here,” she said as he joined her, “this doesn’t belong with me.” She held the ring out to him.
He looked stricken. “Yes, it does. Of course it does.”
They stood staring at each other, both refusing to move.
“You’ve got to believe me, darlin’, nothing is going on with Julia. I fucked up, but it wasn’t about cheating on you. I swear to you.”
“Then why lie to me?”
“I … I’m an idiot is why. A complete fucking idiot.” His face was pained, the regret and disappointment in himself easy to read.
“You’re right about that,” she muttered, and he laughed with relief.
She hadn’t meant to give him an out but realized that was exactly what she’d done. She had gone from feeling betrayed and hurt to almost flippant about it all. What was it about him that made her want to forgive him?
“Here’s the absolute truth,” he said, “the other night at the pub was the first time I’ve even thought about her since we left for the tour. Once I saw her, I realized what a dick I was and I certainly didn’t want to confess that to you. I mean, from my perspective, what she and I had was casual. There were no promises made. I hadn’t been with her or even spoken with her in months. But that still doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have thought to explain things to her, especially after you and I got engaged. I took the easy way out, I guess, and convinced myself I didn’t owe her anything. I was a royal bastard to her.”
Sophie looked away from him. This explanation about him not wanting to hurt Julia wasn’t what she was looking for.
“Put the ring back on, Sophie. Please.”
She responded by closing the ring in her fist and sitting on the edge of the bed.
“I was never in love with her. It was a friendship that slipped into a sexual thing. And it’s all over. It’s been over.”
She closed her eyes tight, trying to think. Trying to be logical and not be assuaged so easily by his dismissal of it all. “How long were you together?”
He thought for a moment. “About a year.”
This time he passed her test and she looked at him. “Don’t you ever lie to me, Gavin. I don’t deserve that kind of disrespect.”
He sat next to her and kissed her cheek. “I know and I don’t ever want to make you feel like this. You are the absolute love of my life. When I saw you in Los Angeles, I knew you were the only one for me. Literally, everything and everyone else fell away. There is no one I could love more.”
She fought against the instinct to give in to his sweet words. “What happened today?”
“I wanted to explain to Jules?—”
“Before you talked to me?”
“I … yeah. It was another wrong move on my part, I know. I told her I was sorry, that I wanted her friendship, and that you and I were for real. Then, after giving me hassle, she tells me she’s involved with a forty-year-old Frenchman. So, really, she wasn’t exactly pining away for me. She was just hurt by how I went about things.”
“That makes two of us.”
Gavin hung his head for a moment and then dropped to his knees in front of her. “I am so sorry, darlin’. I can only imagine what it made you think of me. But please know that I love you and I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Gavin, what else haven’t you told me?” she asked. “What else am I going to find out about?”
“Nothing. There’s nothing, Sophie. What can I say? There are no dark secrets you have to worry about. I’ll tell you the truth, I’ve slept with a lot of girls, but I don’t have any diseases and I don’t have any babies out there. You are the only one I want. Now that I have you, I can’t tell you how much I need you. I swear to you, I’ve never let anyone as close to me as you. No one knows me, knows what makes me who I am, the way that you do. I can’t lose you again.” He cupped her cheek in his hand and whispered, “Please.”
The look in his eyes was sincere, bordering on desperation. She knew he was saying she was the only woman who understood his pain, knew where it came from. That, of course, triggered her desire to be his savior. To be the one person who could in some small way fix him. This was why she forgave him so easily. Because he was broken inside and made sure she felt like she was the only one who could come to his aid.
She opened her hand and exposed the ring to him as an offering. He took it quickly, sliding it onto her finger before she might change her mind.
Then he took her face into his hands and kissed her. “You won’t regret this.”
“I know,” she replied in between more kisses. “I might need to marry you to stay in the country, anyway.”
He pulled away and looked at her in surprise.
“I messed up with school. I can’t start until next year.”
“More time for us,” he said with a grin and pushed her back onto the bed. Winding his kisses to her ear, he sang softly, his voice raspy with modified Bowie lyrics: “Sweet girl, you know you drive your Mama and Papa insane.”
“My parents are going to kill me,” she said.
“Nah, I won’t allow that.” He pressed his body to hers, slipping between her legs and kissing her neck.
“You’ll save me?” she asked, and then closed her eyes tightly in embarrassment at her vulnerability and neediness.
But he didn’t respond, instead kissing her on the mouth deeply, grazing her body with his hands, and pressing his hips against hers. She was glad he was going to brush past her asking him to be her savior. It was easy for her to ignore it, too, as anytime he sang to her she lost all sense. Combine that with his touches and she was defenseless against him.
But then he pulled away, held her face in his hands and met her eyes. “I’ll save you,” he whispered.
The relief that flooded through her at his reassurance should have been an indication that they were headed down a tangled path. But she chose to dismiss the nagging feeling that this exchange was setting up an unhealthy reliance on each other in favor of moving forward with the man she loved.