Chapter 93
93
GAVIN
C offee seemed like a good idea after having spent the entire flight from Los Angeles to Dublin quietly drunk, so Gavin invited Shay to join him at Kaph on Drury Street. He placed an order on the first floor before heading up the stairs where he settled in at a large, desk-like table. This area didn’t have the bright and open feel of the main level, but the aroma of fresh coffee and pastries wafted up and the strains of the Pixies could be heard, making the private area comfortable.
“Thanks for coming, mate,” Gavin said when Shay joined him a few minutes later.
“Sure, Gav.” Shay sat opposite him.
“I took the liberty of ordering you their specialty.”
Shay looked down at the ceramic mug. It was filled with a milky green liquid, a decorative leaf drawn into the light foam.
“What the fuck is this?”
Gavin laughed. “They call it a Matcha green tea latte. Try it.”
Shay eyed the drink suspiciously before taking a tentative sip. “Ah, it’s not half bad.” He took another drink. “And how are you getting on, then?”
“Listen, I want to apologize for all the shite I’ve put you through,” Gavin started. He knew he had no right to start anywhere but with this. He owed his friend his honesty and contrition.
“What shite would that be?” Shay asked. “Not returning my calls or texts? Not showing up to half a dozen band meetings? Not following through on any fucking thing for months now?”
“You’re right. You’re exactly right. I’ve fucked up.” Gavin didn’t shy away from making eye contact. “I let you down. I’m sorry, Seamus.”
Shay was silent.
Gavin knew his cocaine use had hit Shay hard. Seeing his friend, the person he revered and relied on, turn into a sketchy drug abuser had to be a huge blow. And even though Gavin was saying the right things now, it had to be hard for Shay to trust him. Shay had spent too many years being manipulated by his heroin-addicted brother to take Gavin’s word at face value now.
“You can rest assured that all that is done with,” Gavin continued.
“All that?”
Gavin could see that Shay wanted him to finally admit to him he had been doing drugs, to give him that honesty. He was ready. Doing so was a relief, actually.
“Coke. I’m done with it. I’m clean. Have been for about a month.”
“Glad to hear that,” Shay said, with only a hint of sarcasm.
As had been the case for as long as he could remember from almost everyone he knew, forgiveness was forming fast. He never understood what it was about him that solicited this benevolence, but he was especially grateful for it now.
“I know I’ve been a crap friend, Seamus. I’m aware of my shortcomings. And I’m committed to actually dealing with them now instead of running away.”
“Well, I know it’s been tough what you’ve had to go through. I do understand to an extent.”
Gavin smiled. “Thanks, man. Thing is, I can sort out the situation with my mother. I can deal with what a bastard I was to you and the others. But something else has happened. And I?—”
He had to stop when he started to tear up. This display of emotion wasn’t unusual. He had never hidden the fact that he felt things deeply. It had made him an incredible songwriter and singer. But Shay must have seen something more worrisome than strong emotions because he leaned forward in response. “What is it, Gav?”
Gavin opened his mouth, then stopped. “Fuck’s sake, I don’t want to even say it aloud.” He took a deep breath and Shay waited. “Sophie told me she slept with Conor. Once. She says.”
Shay looked away for a moment, then sat back.
“You don’t actually look surprised by it.”
“I don’t know what to think, Gav.”
“I think you do, though.”
Shay was an observer, a watcher. He was the opposite of Gavin in that he preferred to sit back and enjoy the gregariousness of others rather than try to be the spectacle. Gavin suspected he had seen a connection between Conor and Sophie that Gavin had been willfully blind to.
But apparently Shay wouldn’t twist that knife by admitting his insight. Instead, he asked, “Where do things stand now?”
“Thing of it is,” Gavin said, shaking his head, “we had gotten together in L.A. and things were feeling good for the first time in so long. Then she tells me that a couple weeks ago they ….” He cleared his throat. “But she says it was a one-time thing, that she wants to be with me.”
“You don’t believe her?”
He twisted his wedding ring to the left, then to the right and back to the middle again, a tic of restlessness. “I think I do. Problem is, it feels like there’s more to it. I feel like an idiot now that I think about it, but it’s pretty obvious Conor’s been in love with her for a long time. And I can’t be sure that she didn’t fall in love with him.”
Shay took a sip of tea as he thought. “So the worst part is thinking that even though she wants to be with you, she may have had feelings for Conor?”
“It makes me sick to my stomach to think of it, Seamus. I mean, I know I fucked up with that stripper and she let it go, but for Christ’s sake it was nothing like this. Nothing.” Gavin picked up his mug and held it for a moment, staring down at the remnants before taking a drink. He had ordered himself a regular black coffee. “This is,” he continued, “a betrayal of the heart from my two best friends.”
“It is indeed,” Shay agreed. “But you’ve got to decide what’s most important, and what you’re willing to do to keep whatever that is alive.”
“What would you do?”
“I can’t say, Gavin. I don’t know how it really feels,” Shay said.
Gavin got lost in thought. They sat together quietly.
Suddenly, Gavin pounded his fist on the table. His voice shook from a raw combination of hurt and anger. “Don’t you know I could fucking kill him?”
Shay ran his hands over his closely buzzed strawberry-blond hair. “Is this going to make you disappear off into coke again, then?”
Gavin’s eyes widened at the directness of the question. Then he laughed. “The thought has crossed my mind.”
“Well, don’t fucking do it,” Shay told him urgently.
“I’m trying really hard, Seamus. It’s no lie to say it’s not easy, though.”
Shay shook his head in frustration. The silence stretched out between them.
“For fuck’s sake,” Gavin finally said with a tortured moan, “we were writing love songs to the same woman. No wonder we were such a great songwriting team.”
“You still are.”
Gavin closed his eyes and let his head drop. After a moment, he looked up and stared at the small piece of colorful artwork on the wall. It wasn’t clear whether a child had done it or if it had been made to look inexpert.
“She’s pregnant,” he said.
Shay met his eyes in surprise.
“Says it’s mine,” he said. “I can’t imagine she’d ever lie about that. But it muddies things even more.”
“Gavin, this makes a difference. If she’s pregnant and she wants to be with you, then don’t hesitate.”
“That’s what my mind tells me. But, fuck, Seamus, all of my heart aches with the thought that she loves him. There was love involved in this thing. How do I move forward?”
“Find a way. Find it.”
Gavin nodded. That was his challenge. He had to somehow find a way to accept what had happened. He had asked so much of her over the years, couldn’t he bury this episode and move on? Surely other couples had managed this or worse. He had to be a better man. He had to swallow his pride.
And for a moment, he believed he could. But then the vision of her giving herself to Conor came to him. It wasn’t just fucking. She had been sure to tell him that. His wife had been in love with another man. With the worst possible other man. It hadn’t just been sex, and that made it far harder to forgive and get past, no matter the ways in which he had pushed her away and likely driven her into Conor’s arms.
So much for the vaunted “fearless” thing he had claimed they possessed in that famous line from “You’re My One.” Because the truth was that he was scared. Scared that he didn’t have the strength to move forward and make things right.