Tangled Up In You (Rogue #1)

Epilogue

Dear Sophie,

Bereft .

It’s an odd word. Old fashioned. No one uses it in speech, really. But in writing to you, it’s the only word that I can conjure.

I am missing something. I am deprived of something.

That something, of course, is you .

I miss your scent, that mixture of your essence and the perfume you’ve worn for so many years now that it’s become an essential part of your very chemistry. I miss the heat of your body near mine in bed, the way we’d linger together in the mornings, never wanting to leave the special warmth that only we could create. I miss watching for that exact moment when your hazel eyes would turn green, always making me catch my breath. I miss the delicate trail of your fingertips on the inside of my wrist in those times when you wanted to bring me to myself.

But it’s more than your physical presence. It’s the place you have had in my heart for as long as I can remember. You’ve left that spot and all that remains is an aching coldness that I can’t shake off. I’ve turned numb without you.

You might call me on this and say I’m the one who left you. Not after finding out about Conor … but well before that. I left you when I couldn’t cope with my life.

What self-pitying nonsense, right? It is. I see that now. But in the middle of it, when all the years of suppressed … feelings , for lack of a better word, about my mother came down on me like a weight I had no strength to lift, well, I let it drop. But instead of the barbell and weights bouncing down on the floor in front of me, I let it drop right on top of me. I let it push me down— ground me down , really—deep into a darkness I hadn’t ever known. A kind of darkness that I didn’t want to expose you to. Not you, my pure sweet girl who had only ever tried to walk with me in the light.

That’s when I left you. That’s when I stopped leaning on you and expecting you to suffer the weight of my troubles. You say that I forced you to my level, that I made you just as miserable as I was so that I wouldn’t be alone with it. That’s true. But it’s never what I really wanted .

So … will I actually send this letter to you? Or should I give us both time and space for some kind of healing?

For now, I’ll tuck it away and think about it.

But should you read this, the thing that I want you most to know is that I am sorry. I am sorry for letting you down. Not just once, but over and over until I did so at the most painful point in your life. I have no legitimate excuse. I have no hope of you forgiving me for not being there when you needed me most. Maybe … maybe that’s why I’m inclined to keep this letter from reaching you. I can’t possibly make amends for that last final act of withdrawal. That cowardice.

Maybe, though, if I give us time, we can each of us gain back some strength. I need this far more than you, darlin.’ We both know that. And when I do get back to myself, when I am finally ready to fully live this life while accepting responsibility for all that I have done, there won’t be a single thing that can stop me from coming for you. Because our love story isn’t over. That is the truest thing I know.

I once told you that I love you with everything that I am—even when that isn’t good enough. You told me that I am always enough. It isn’t fair to you, but I’m banking on that still being true down the line. Because I will right myself. I will return to you. I just need time to figure out how to be worthy of you, my love.

XX Gavin

Thank you so much for reading Tangled Up In You! Gavin and Sophie’s story continues in the next Rogue Series book. We know by now that their roller coaster love story won’t be an insta-fix, but I can promise you that after all they’ve been through, they will get their hard-fought HEA!