Dear Josh
,
I miss you...
I wish I could find a way to fix this, but I don’t know how. Whenever I think about calling you or coming home, I am reminded you don’t want this.
I wish you could’ve seen your face when you read that letter. It was like she was standing in the room, and suddenly, I realized I never truly had all of your heart.
I think that hurt the most. I suppose it’s my fault, though...
There were a lot of times I still held you at arm’s length. I never fully let you in, and the few times I did, I got scared and pushed you away again. Losing my parents. Losing my brother. Feeling like a burden to the Villas, and never being totally accepted into their family...it was all too much.
And I made a promise to myself when Brina brought up the idea of this whole thing that I would never let myself go through that pain again. I wasn’t going to let you in. I wasn’t going to fall for you. I didn’t even want to be friends with you because I didn’t want to risk losing you in any way shape or form. Serve my time and enjoy my freedom at the end of my sentence.
But then...you were there.
September 13, 2016, the night before the fourth anniversary of my parents’ death. When I woke up, you were there and I didn’t have to ask why. I thought you wouldn’t show up because of how I left things at home.
It had been what...almost two weeks, I think? I stopped talking to Brody that night after I left your condo. I never told you that. Talking to him didn’t feel right. And I fucking hated that.
I hated that I felt like I couldn’t do what I wanted just because of some piece of paper saying we were together.
I was allowed to talk to other people. I was allowed to date other people. But it felt wrong. It felt like even though we weren’t in a real relationship, I was cheating on you. And the worst part? When I went back to Nina’s that night, I couldn’t even tell her the truth. I had to make up some lie about why we got into a fight. I had no one I could talk to.
Then, I woke up, and you were there...
At that moment, I knew I was in trouble. I knew I was going to fall in love with you. I was going to let you in and it was going to shatter my heart.
I fell in love with you on November 1, 2018.
The night I called and begged you to come down to Savannah and decorate with me. You told me I should be studying but got in the car and drove down anyway. You were exhausted after a long day of work but did it anyway. You even called off work the next day. No one but Nina had done anything like that for me before and I got butterflies when you said you’d be there in a few hours...That had never happened before. They danced around my stomach all night until you arrived. Seeing you quelled them and I couldn’t resist jumping into your arms when you walked in the door. It felt right in the moment. And the sense of peace you brought me...Even though I was scared to admit it, I knew I was in love with you.
I think I was in love with you before, but that’s when I realized it.
A week later, you were back down to pick me up for Thanksgiving break, and you proposed. I still think about that night sometimes. You picked the perfect setting and I don’t think you realized it. That night, I gave myself wholly to you and when I woke up the next morning, I was fucking terrified. I had done what I promised myself I’d never do and what scared me most was that I didn’t regret it.
Over the years, there was still a part of me that was trying to protect myself from the inevitable. There was always that small voice in the back of my mind telling me you were only there because you had to be. You were just waiting until you could leave without repercussions. I know it was wrong, but that’s why I still kept you at a distance. I should’ve talked to you, told you how I was feeling...
We probably could’ve avoided all of this mess.
I thought about it, but then that letter showed up...
Juliet Sinclaire — “the one who got away.”
Your eyes lit up in a way I hadn’t seen in a long time when you saw her name on that paper. And then, when you called to tell me Max wanted you to go on a work trip, I knew what was happening. Even though you said you wouldn’t, you went to Wichita. You went to meet her. Your curiosity got the best of you and the final piece of my heart cracked.
It hurt. A lot. Knowing you would run to her like that.
I guess it was my fault, though. We’d had that fight...One thing led to another, and then I was moving into the guest room. It wasn’t supposed to be like that...but you let me go without putting up a real fight. You let me move out. You let me walk away. And then you ran to her like a fly to honey.
That’s how I knew it was the end.
I’m sorry, Josh. I’m sorry for not letting my guard down. I’m sorry for not letting you in. I’m sorry for not being honest with you. Because I wish I had been.
I don’t want this. I don’t want to lose you.
But if you truly want this to be the end of us, I’ll be okay. I’ll understand because I know this was never what either of us wanted in the first place. We were thrown together by circumstance and we shouldn’t expect anything from each other. So, if this is what you want, I’ll sign the papers, and you can finally have a chance with Juliet.
I can’t promise I’ll be happy about it or that I’ll want to be around you for a little while, but I’ll understand.
You’re mine, and I’m yours... until we sign the papers.
Elizabeth Davis