2
“Are you fucking kidding me? You basically picked me up off the street and gave me the job.”
Jordy reeled. He hadn’t—he’d already known Kaira was safe with Rowan, Kaira had already known Rowan. It wasn’t—
He hadn’t given Rowan the job because he wanted to keep Rowan around—
“And now that I’m reminding you of our original deal, you’re trying to change the terms.”
Finally Jordy found his tongue. “I’m sorry it’s so difficult for you living in my house, eating my food, driving my car, having everything taken care of—”
“Everything except your kid , you mean?”
All the air left Jordy’s lungs in a rush, as if Rowan had boarded him.
His whole life, he’d only wanted to be good at two things: hockey and being a father. And now it seemed like he couldn’t get either one right. Didn’t Rowan understand? Kaira was happier with him than she’d be with a nanny. Leaving her with Rowan was the right thing for her. And that made it the right thing for Jordy.
But maybe it wasn’t the right thing for Rowan. Jordy didn’t feel great about that either. He’d failed at being a friend too.
And if Rowan thought Kaira was a burden….
That idea cut in a whole new unexpected way.
Jordy thought he might throw up. “I didn’t realize you hated her so much. I’ll send someone from the agency over first thing in the morning.”
He ended the call and then, because he could not deal with any more of this tonight, put his phone on Do Not Disturb. If Rowan texted or called back or… whatever, Jordy didn’t want to hear from him.
But he did need to talk to somebody tonight, because this situation obviously couldn’t continue.
“Gem! Hi, yeah, no, I know it’s late. It’s urgent. I need you to hire a temporary nanny.”
ROWAN HAD thought he’d dreaded Jordy leaving for a weeklong road trip. Now he was dreading his return.
The day after their explosive phone call, Rowan woke at six thirty to his phone buzzing—someone was at the front door. He hauled himself upright to answer it and found a thirtysomething woman in a business suit, carrying a briefcase.
Rowan had not slept much the previous night. He’d tossed and turned, frustrated with Jordy and annoyed with himself for not growing a backbone sooner. If he’d bothered putting his foot down in September, when he should have, this whole thing wouldn’t have blown up in their faces.
But he hadn’t, and it had, and now, having made his bed, Rowan found it very uncomfortable.
So he wasn’t exactly functioning at peak capacity when the woman handed him a business card. “Hello. My name is Emily Gionet. I’m here from Greater Toronto Emergency Nannies. I was told you’d be expecting me.”
I’ll send someone from the agency over first thing in the morning.
Well. Jordy had certainly followed that promise to the letter.
“Uh,” Rowan said. He didn’t want to be rude, but he didn’t want to let someone in without confirming they were who they said they were either. “Can you just—one moment.”
He took the card and, as calmly as he could, closed the door in her face.
Was he getting evicted? Was that what this was?
What the fuck.
Blearily, he unlocked his phone in search of answers.
He didn’t have any texts or emails from Jordy, and he was too tired to decide if that surprised him. He did have a text from Gem, timestamped just after midnight. It contained an attachment of a CV complete with headshot. Emily will arrive first thing tomorrow and remain on duty until seven. An amended contract regarding your duties concerning Kaira is attached. Please sign it and return to me.
So… not getting evicted. Or not yet. That was—Rowan didn’t know what that was. He needed coffee.
Gem’s second message read, As your very good and concerned friend, I will withhold my I told you so for now, but please do not make this professionally awkward for me. You owe me a drink.
Rowan exhaled shakily and opened the door again. Emily hadn’t moved; she looked nonplussed by his rudeness. “Hi,” he said. “Come in. I’ll make coffee.”
That was three days ago. In those three days, Rowan had never had to do more than drop Kaira off at school, help her brush her teeth, and read her a story. The Nannies—they were an emergency service, so he got the feeling the agency simply sent whoever had a day off they might prefer to spend working—handled picking Kaira up from school, making her dinner, and keeping her occupied until seven o’clock every day.
On the one hand, he really needed the help. Knowing he could let the agency know if he needed later coverage because of a staff meeting or other commitment took a huge weight off his shoulders. The first day with Emily, he’d come home from work and faceplanted straight into bed for an hour.
But then it was the weekend. And…. Rowan knew Kaira was not his kid. Being able to join his ultimate Frisbee game for the first time in weeks should have put a great big smile on his face.
It just might have been nice, was all, if Jordy had taken Kaira to the park at the same time, and then they all went to a late lunch afterward. Toronto had some beautiful restaurant patios. The trees were a riot of reds and oranges, and the sky was that crystalline sapphire you only seemed to get in the fall.
“Well, well, well,” Pete chuckled when Rowan rolled up. “Look who’s not too good to hang out with the little guy after all.”
Rowan accepted a high-five bro hug, knowing she meant nothing by it, and then moved on to Alex.
“What happened?” they teased. “Your sugar daddy cut you loose?”
Rowan tried not to wince. “Why, you want me to put in a good word for you?” he asked instead. “Come on, are we going to play or what?”
So Saturday was a mixed bag. Rowan did enjoy spending time with his friends. They even invited him out to lunch with them afterward—on a patio like he’d wanted.
It was just that, as they shot the breeze and debated which appetizer to order, Rowan kept thinking about the time he and Jordy and Kaira went out for Indian food and ordered a little bit of everything.
Well, Rowan still didn’t have to pay rent. Not for another few weeks, though he’d made a note to talk to a real estate agent tomorrow.
He asked the server to bring one of each appetizer and put it on his tab, and when Pete gave him a weird look about it, he said, “What’s the point of being a sugar baby, really?” all cheek, feeling like he was going to be sick at any moment.
Sunday Jordy was coming home.
Some of Rowan’s anger had burned out, but the heart of the issue remained unresolved. Rowan had been stretched thin for weeks working two full-time jobs because Jordy had—had—well, Rowan didn’t really know what Jordy’s actual deal was, but this middle-ground shit where Jordy was treating Rowan both like the hired help and like a coparent couldn’t continue.
Even if Rowan did feel guilty for swearing at him and implying he was a bad father. Rowan knew about bad fathers. Jordy didn’t qualify.
That didn’t mean he was ready to forgive and forget when Jordy hadn’t said two words to him.
Their whole fuzzy-boundaries friends with benefits hadn’t been a problem for Rowan until suddenly it was. Jordy had been way too careful for that. But in the wake of the past weeks and their argument, something about the arrangement had started to feel cheap.
Rowan needed an explanation before he made any decisions that landed him and Jordy back in bed. Unfortunately an explanation probably required a face-to-face meeting, which Rowan very much did not want to have, since he didn’t know what to say.
Very manfully, Rowan opted to run away. Not to Gem, because she would ask questions. He called up Taylor and they went out for brunch. And then he ran an errand or ten and took his sweet time getting home.
Naturally, when he snuck in the front door several hours after Jordy’s return, Kaira immediately caught sight of him, squealed, and tackled him.
“Rowan, you have to come watch a movie with us!” Her chin dug into his abdomen as she turned imploring eyes up to him. “I haven’t seen you in forever.”
Now Rowan felt like a complete heel for spending no time with her this weekend—or all week, beyond breakfast and bedtime. Just because Jordy should have found a way for Rowan to back out of her daily life weeks ago didn’t mean Kaira understood that. As far as she knew, Rowan was with her every day, and then suddenly he wasn’t and a series of someones had taken his place.
Rowan resigned himself to one more viewing of Kaira’s favorite Bollywood film and let her pull him into the TV room. Jordy was already there, setting popcorn on the table and looking awkward as fuck.
“Hey,” he said, sounding stilted and looking like a man unsure of his welcome in his own home.
Rowan felt a twinge of guilt. “Hi.” He tried to settle into one of the armchairs while Jordy turned on the TV, but Kaira let him know exactly what she thought of that.
“You have to sit here,” she declared and pointed to the seat on her right.
Since arguing with six-year-olds was dicey even when you had logic on your side, Rowan conceded. She wouldn’t take a “because,” and “your daddy and I had a fight and now our casual sexual relationship and friendship is somewhat in flux” was not an excuse Rowan wanted to give to a child of any age.
He sat on the goddamn couch.
When Jordy also tried to sit in an armchair, he was likewise reprimanded. “Daddy, you’re doing it wrong!”
So there they were, in their usual spots on the couch, a foot of space, an adorable child, and a whole lot of unspoken awkwardness between them. And they only had one ninety-minute film and a child-friendly dinner to get through.
For the first time, Rowan thought about all the ways in which he and Jordy had made a tangled emotional mess of things. No matter what happened in the next few months, he was going to miss Kaira and she was going to miss him. The nearest teams were several hours’ drive away. Kaira and Rowan wouldn’t have an easy commute if they wanted to spend time together. There would be no chance encounters or fun outings to ease the pain of separation.
Rowan was an idiot.
Kaira twisted and snuggled closer, and Rowan leaned over to press a kiss to her messy pigtailed hair. When he straightened up, his gaze locked with Jordy’s. They stared at each other for a long, painful beat before Jordy turned back to the TV.
Kaira insisted on family dinner, and then on three books that they alternated reading and a cup of water and one last kiss before Jordy put on his stern dad face and told her, “No more stalling,” kissed her good night, and turned out the lights.
As much as Rowan wanted to run away again, he owed it to himself, to Jordy, but most of all to Kaira to stay and talk things out.
By unspoken agreement, they ended up in the kitchen. At least the cleanup gave them something to do.
“I’m sorry,” Jordy said to the plate he loaded into the dishwasher. “I know you don’t hate Kaira.”
“I know,” Rowan said, though it was still nice to hear.
“You were right. I should have found a nanny or a temporary one ages ago.”
Why didn’t you? Rowan wanted to ask. But he had something more important to say first. “Yes, but I should have said something sooner.” He pulled a face. “It was kind of a dick move to wait until I had such an exhausting, stressful day that I started cursing you out over the phone.”
Jordy lifted a shoulder. He still wasn’t meeting Rowan’s gaze. “I deserved it.”
Yeah, he’d definitely deserved the cursing, but…. “Not the part where I called you a shitty dad.”
Jordy let out a loud breath and his shoulders drooped. “Thanks.”
Rowan knew that would weigh on him.
“There’s still another problem, though.”
Finally, finally Jordy met his eyes.
Rowan swallowed against the snakes squirming in his stomach and forced himself to open his mouth. “We can’t do this anymore. You know that, right?” He gestured between them.
Jordy pressed his lips together. “This being….”
Rowan shouldn’t be mad at Jordy for making him say it. Clearer communication would have prevented this mess in the first place. He couldn’t blame Jordy for wanting clarity now. “This—sleeping together, playing house, all of it. It’s too… much.” Rowan wanted too much, and he wouldn’t be able to have it. He needed to start weaning himself off the placebo. “I need to take a step back from—us. It’s not fair to you, or me, or Kaira , for that matter, if I’m….”
Fuck, the whole point was clear communication, and he couldn’t even finish a sentence. “If you were staying, it could maybe be different. But you’re not, and acting like we can just keep doing this indefinitely without anyone getting hurt isn’t doing us any favors. I don’t want to confuse Kaira… or you.”
A pathetic, desperate part of him wanted Jordy to argue. He wanted Jordy to convince him they could have it all. He wanted to matter enough for Jordy to fight for him, to tell him they could make it work against whatever odds. That they could have something real.
Jordy only nodded, head bowed. “No, yeah… I get it. I’m sorry.”
Rowan swallowed his disappointment. “Me too. Uh.” He took another deep breath for fortification. “I’m going to start looking for apartments, like, seriously. You’re going to need to pick a permanent nanny before that, or, I don’t know, you’re going to need the temps overnight or something.”
“I’ll take care of it,” Jordy promised.
“Okay.” And now Rowan needed to get the hell out of here. “Uh, I’m just gonna… I have to go pack my work bag for tomorrow.”
He made his escape.
His eyes were stinging by the time the bedroom door closed behind him, but Rowan kept a stiff upper lip. This was always going to end. He knew what he signed up for, and he didn’t have anyone but himself to blame.
It still sucked.
He let himself wallow for a few minutes and then wandered into his en suite. If he only had a few more weeks left with the oversize tub in his bathroom, he was going to make the most of them.
JORDY HAD been traded before. This was different.
He hadn’t had a kid the last time, for one thing. For another, he hadn’t seen it coming; one minute he played in Nashville and the next he was putting on a blue-and-yellow jersey. He hadn’t had time to say goodbye to the team, but he hadn’t had to deal with drawn-out uncertainty either.
He decided he liked the first trade better.
But if he squinted, he could find the barest hints of a silver lining—at least Sully thought Jordy was being a sad sack about getting traded and not about the way things had fallen apart with Rowan.
“This is depressing,” Sully told him as they lined up for the anthem. “It’s not like you were Mr. Sunshine before, but now it’s like someone kicked your puppy.”
“I don’t have a puppy,” Jordy reminded him.
“Took candy from your daughter, then.”
Jordy’s lips twitched. At least he could still count on Sully’s ridiculousness to cheer him up. “I’m the only one brave enough to take candy from my daughter.” Which reminded him he needed to hide the Halloween candy, or the nannies might actually have to try to take candy away from Kaira, and that would end in headaches for everyone.
“Maybe put some of that bravery into being less of a sad sack,” Sully advised.
Then the organ drowned him out.
Jordy put his feelings into checking instead. He racked up a new personal best for hits during the game and notched two takeaways. Let management stew on that. If they didn’t keep him, they’d have to play against him.
To punctuate his point, he put a blistering slap shot in the back of the net in the dying minutes of the third to put the Shield up 3–1.
“I take it back,” Sully said, slapping Jordy’s helmet in congratulations. “Grumpy Jordy can stay as long as he’s going to play like this.”
Jordy face-washed him.
After the game, he did his cool-down workout, gave his obligatory “defenseman scores a goal” interview, and showered off three hours’ worth of grime as he debated his next move.
A win at home with no game tomorrow meant the team would go out for drinks. Jordy often bowed out under the guise of seeing his kid, but Kaira would be in bed anyway. The only one who might be awake at home was Rowan, and Jordy was avoiding Rowan.
Or not avoiding, exactly. He was doing the right thing and giving Rowan the space he’d asked for. He told himself a little emotional distance would help him too. It only made sense; eventually he would have to leave Rowan behind.
But he didn’t want space. He wanted the inverse. He wanted to pull Rowan close to him and never let go. Rowan had fit so perfectly into their lives that Jordy had convinced himself he’d never want to leave.
But he’d been thinking about himself and Kaira and what they wanted, not what Rowan wanted.
“Drinks,” Sully said seriously when he caught Jordy deliberating which shirt to put on. When they went out, they wore their pregame suits, but if he was just going to go to the players’ lot and then home, he usually wore athletic clothes. “Don’t argue with me.”
“Didn’t know Brady died and made you captain,” Jordy grumbled.
He put the shirt on. One beer wouldn’t kill him, and Sully could keep him entertained with sleep-training horror stories. Laughing at Sully always put him in a good mood.
A few drinks later, Jordy was slumped into his seat, staring moodily at his beer.
Sully had wandered off to the bathroom, and in his absence, Jordy’s broken heart took the reins. Alcohol was probably a bad call when he was still regretting all the life choices that had led him to this moment. Because he couldn’t pinpoint which of his many decisions had been the disastrous one—making friends with Rowan, inviting him into their home, treating him like a partner or roommate instead of a nanny, sleeping with him, not hiring a new nanny?
In hindsight, the whole thing felt like a slow and inevitable decline.
He finished the last of his beer and wondered if shots would be as stupid an idea as he suspected.
“Jesus,” Sully said as he sat back in his spot. “The very sight of you is depressing.”
“Your face is depressing.”
“Guys who played like you did tonight and scored a goal don’t get to mope in the corner.” Sully jostled their shoulders together. “Especially if you might not get to do many more of these.”
Jordy instantly felt like an asshole. This situation sucked for Sully too. “You’re right. I’m boring. Tell me something fun.”
Sully laughed and started in on a story about Adrianna and the new baby. Adrianna and Sully were good parents, but every parent had hiccups, and Sully was able to package one of those mini disaster moments into a fun three-minute bit.
Jordy was giggling when his phone chimed Rowan’s tone—which Jordy had set weeks ago to ignore Do Not Disturb since he was a single father and Rowan might need him in an emergency.
It wasn’t an emergency.
Rowan had sent an adorable picture of Jordy’s daughter snuggled into her pillow, clutching her armadillo and… was she wearing one of her jerseys?
Refused to take off her jersey. Said it was good luck and you’d lose without it. Can’t get her changed now without disturbing her.
Jordy’s heart melted.
And broke all over again because Rowan had just taken the creeper picture Jordy had asked him for last week.
“What is your face doing?” Sully demanded.
Jordy showed him the picture and caption.
Predictably, Sully cooed. “Still doesn’t explain the face, though.”
Jordy sipped his water. More alcohol at this point was a terrible idea. What could he say? That he’d fallen in love with someone who didn’t want him back? Even if Jordy was willing to say that to Sully in theory, he wasn’t willing to say it in a bar full of their teammates.
Instead, Jordy said, “There’s only two things in life I ever wanted: the NHL and parenting.”
Sully hummed. “Your jobs are hockey and dad, it’s true.”
Jordy pointed at him. “And I’m good at them. Maybe not the best ever, but I’m good at hockey and dad.”
“Yes, you are.”
“So why does it feel…” Sad. Lonely. Unsatisfying. Incomplete. “… off lately?”
Sully gave Jordy a long look over his beer. “Can I ask you something?”
Jordy shrugged. “Sure.” If it was too personal to answer in a bar with their teammates, Jordy just wouldn’t.
“Have you ever wanted and worked towards anything else in life?”
The question hit Jordy right in the solar plexus. He didn’t think it showed, though. He hoped it didn’t—hoped he kept his cool and that his confused head tilt and inquiring, “What do you mean?” didn’t sound as breathless as he felt.
“Like, look, I know I met you postdivorce, so it’s been a minute since you were married, but surely at one point you wanted to marry her and be a good husband.”
And sure, Jordy had wanted that. He had loved Sanna and married her because he wanted to be with her, but Jordy hadn’t ever… worked for her. They’d been high school sweethearts, and their love story had had a sense of inevitability. They were a perfect match. Of course they would get together, of course they’d marry. Hell, Jordy had missed most of his senior year, and their peers had still voted them most likely to get married in the next five years.
Jordy didn’t have to work for their relationship. It just happened.
And maybe now, weeks later, Jordy understood what Emma had said about his relationship with Sanna not being messy enough.
Not sure how to even begin to say any of that out loud, Jordy shrugged.
Because Sully was a good guy, he just patted Jordy on the shoulder and asked if he was ready to call a cab.
A WEEK after Jordy’s return, he left on another overnight trip. This time it was only twenty-four hours out of town, but it gave Rowan a reprieve from the tension for one night.
Since they weren’t having sex or watching bad crime dramas, their interactions were limited to Kaira handoffs and togetherness enforced by Kaira herself, who, despite their best efforts to not be awkward, was unimpressed by their unwillingness to spend time together. Whenever both Rowan and Jordy were home, she insisted on activities that involved all three of them.
With Jordy playing games three times a week and Rowan throwing himself into all the non-Jordy relationships in his life, Kaira’s opportunities were limited. But Rowan couldn’t and wouldn’t avoid the house completely when doing so would have resulted in Kaira’s devastated big brown eyes.
But God, enforced family time with Kaira as a buffer was a knife to the ribs—a tantalizing view of everything that Rowan couldn’t have and hadn’t known he wanted until he was in the middle of it. Who knew that domesticity was so goddamn nice?
Except—Rowan had always suspected, hadn’t he? That was the whole point behind wanting to put down roots and make a home for himself. After a childhood of a cold home and impersonal dormitories, of being left behind and ignored, he wanted something that felt worn-in. Cozy.
Like those stupid bad-TV nights with Jordy, snuggled up under the blanket on the couch and wagering chores against who could identify the murderer.
But today was Sunday, and with Jordy gone and no nanny available, Rowan and Kaira could have some cute domestic time together. At least he’d get a partial fix.
“Hey, poppet.” He pressed a kiss to the top of her head, then sat across from her at the kitchen table to eat lunch. “What do you think about a trip to the library this afternoon? We could see if they have anything new on armadillos.” The weather had turned chilly, but the day offered a bright blue sky and plenty of sunshine, and Rowan had spent enough time in Toronto to know one did not take a gorgeous fall day for granted.
Kaira picked at her sandwich and shrugged.
Maybe he could drum up some enthusiasm if he sweetened the pot. “And then I thought on the way home we could stop for a cupcake. We haven’t been to that cute little café since the summer.”
“No!”
Surprised by the vehemence, Rowan pulled his sandwich away from his mouth. “No you don’t want to go to the library, or no you don’t want a cupcake?”
Kaira shoved her plate away so forcefully it shattered on the floor. “No!” she shouted, sounding more like a toddler than a six-year-old. “No, no, no!”
Before Rowan could say another word, she stomped off to her room and slammed the door.
Okay, then.