32
Zander
Let’s Be Friends
I’D DIED AND WOKEN UP IN A different universe.
It was the only explanation for why Sailor’s arms were wrapped around my waist, her thighs pressed against mine, her heart drumming through her canvas jacket and my leather bomber.
I hadn’t said a word as I’d fetched her a spare helmet from my garage, then slung my leg over my bike and ignited the engine. She’d stayed equally silent as she shoved the helmet on her head, then clambered up behind me.
I’d suffered a full-body quake as she’d hesitantly leaned forward and asked if it was okay to hold me.
She was asking permission to touch me?
I’d had to clench my teeth until they cracked to prevent telling her she’d touched me in far more ways last night. The imprint of her fingers around my cock burned with deception.
Nausea splashed up my throat for lying to her face. I could barely handle those lies when she ran away from me. How could I hope to keep them now that she actively tried to be my friend?
No more secrets, she’d said.
Yet I kept the biggest one of all.
I’d often cursed our grandmothers for meddling with our lives. But now I felt as if they’d cursed me . That if I hadn’t grown up hearing their whispered scheming about me marrying the girl next door, I wouldn’t have been drawn to her against my will. She would’ve just been any other girl.
So why did I feel like she was the only girl?
Shaking away those thoughts and focusing on the road, I cranked the engine a little more now we were away from suburbia and heading to rural farmland.
I didn’t check over my shoulder to see if she was okay with going fast.
I already knew she needed what I did.
She was healing and healing sometimes required ripping off scabs and tearing off bandages that’d become too restricting.
Bending low, I added speed until we flew, just like she requested.
* * * * *
“You okay?” I held her elbow, granting support while she staggered a little from climbing off my bike.
She nodded and wrenched the helmet off, leaving her hair crackling with static.
I couldn’t take my eyes off her.
The late afternoon sunshine turned her hair into spun gold and her eyes brighter than the clear summer’s sky.
Giving me a sated almost sensual smile, she nodded and sighed heavily. “That was…I have no words.” Passing back my helmet, she shrugged. “Thank you, Zander. I didn’t know how much I needed that.”
Placing both helmets on the leather seat of my bike, I fought the urge to fidget with my glasses. But then I gave in because I wasn’t pretending to be X, and I really, really needed to do something with my hands.
Taking my glasses off, I polished the lens with my t-shirt. “I’m glad you enjoyed it.”
“Are you going out again sometime?”
Returning my glasses to my nose, I nodded. “Probably. I have a big week coming up, so I’ll most likely need to blow off some steam. Why? Did you want to join me?”
She shuffled on the spot. “Would that be okay? I mean…if you want to be on your own, then—”
“You can come.”
Her eyes narrowed on that word, sending me right back to last night when she’d come on my tongue. I didn’t know if she recognised my voice or if memories of Milton made that word a trigger, but…I made a mental note not to say it anymore.
My stomach rumbled embarrassingly loud.
Sailor smirked. “I’m guessing you’re as hungry as I am. I better let you go.” Swaying toward her house, she bit her bottom lip. “Thanks again. For today, I mean.”
Ice water splashed down my spine. I didn’t want her to go. I wanted to invite her round. Have dinner with her. Kiss her without a mask on and—
“Have a good day at work tomorrow.” She waved and headed up her garden path.
My window of opportunity closed far too quickly.
Clearing my throat, I dashed forward and grunted, “If you’re not doing anything tonight, did you want to…” I waved at my house like an idiot. “Come round?”
You said that word again.
“I mean, pop round? For food.”
Smooth, Zan. Real smooth .
She froze and wrung her hands. “Oh, um…” Her gaze shot to my renovated home. Excuses flickered in her stare; the fear she was slowly working through swallowed her back into the shadows. “Um, it’s not that I don’t want to. I’m just…really tired. Rain check?”
“Of course. You’re still healing. Sorry, I…I wasn’t thinking.”
“No, I’m the one who should apologise—”
“Don’t be ridiculous. I shouldn’t have asked.” Forcing a smile, I locked my bike, grabbed the two helmets, and stalked toward my garage. I couldn’t be around her while my emotions were stupidly close to the surface. I wanted to call her out on her lies, but I also had no right.
She didn’t want to hang out with me in a house on our own because no matter the freedom of today, I still represented all her hurts. I was still the reason she wore so many bruises. Why did I think she’d be over that? What egotistical asshole believed that, in one afternoon, he could erase all her trauma and expect to neck with her on his couch?
So what if we’d ridden together?
Flown together?
That was in public.
Outside.
And that was as far as she was willing to go with me.
“Have a good night, Sailor.” I vanished into the garage and closed the door.
* * * * *
I sat nursing a beer while watching shit TV.
I’d cooked a vegetable burrito and chased it down with a bag of corn chips. I now contemplated going to bed at eight p.m., all so I could stop thinking about what my neighbour and her cat were doing.
It wasn’t often that I felt lonely.
I worked too much to even contemplate the word.
But tonight…Christ, I ached with it.
I wasn’t just jealous of X anymore; I was jealous of a tiny orange puff ball called Peng.
You could install a camera in her kitchen…that way, you can at least watch if you can’t be with her.
Groaning, I tossed my glasses onto the couch and rubbed my eyes.
No way.
I wouldn’t step over that line.
Even if I sat in my empty house like a loner, fighting every instinct to go next door, I wouldn’t spy on her just because I needed her.
My phone buzzed beside me.
I snatched it up far too quickly.
Lori: I know you’re probably going to say you’re out of town or too busy or you’ll come up with another million excuses after what we did last night, but…I baked you a cake to say thanks and…I want you to come over.
“Fucking hell, this just keeps getting worse.”
Tossing my head back against the couch, I groaned at the ceiling.
There had to be a word for this irony.
As Zander, I wanted nothing more than an invitation to spend time with her. As X, I should turn down her offer and disappear.
I wanted so badly to say yes but rationality gave me all the reasons I should say no.
The faintest whiff of chocolate slipped through my open living room window, tormenting me with unwinnable temptation.
Lori: If it will help you make the right decision, I didn’t know what you liked so I went with a foolproof gooey lava cake. I’ve just lifted it out of the oven so…if you want a piece, it needs to be enjoyed now. I’ll also throw in a scoop of ice cream—your choice of vanilla, rockyroad, or butterscotch.
My fingers typed without any input from my brain.
I literally had no willpower, summoned against my better judgement and hypnotised by an evening with her instead of being alone.
Me: I’ll be there in fifteen.