37
Sailor
Movies Aren’t Fun
“SAILS? OH MY GOD, I CAN’T BELIEVE I’m about to do this, but…I have to stand you up.”
I jammed my phone between my ear and shoulder, paying for my bucket of popcorn and cola. “We’re doing great at this, aren’t we?” I laughed. “First, we both forgot we’d planned to go to dinner and the movies tonight and then when we remember and agree to just do the movie, you have the audacity to stand me up.”
“I know. I know. I’m a terrible friend.” Lily groaned, long and dramatic. “I have no excuse for forgetting dinner but then on the way to join you at the movies, the office called. There’s an issue with one of the house contracts, and I need to go solve it because the buyer is panicking and the seller is threatening to call his lawyer to stop the sale, and…yeah, it’s gonna be a long night.”
“It’s fine.” Moving out of the line, I juggled my drink, food, and phone, and headed deeper into the cinema complex. “Super sorry to hear about the issues.”
“Can we do the flick another night?” She moaned again. “I feel so bad. I’m also gutted I’m going to miss out on all your gossip.”
“Honestly, I have no gossip, and I’m actually already here. I just found my seat and have an unhealthy amount of popcorn to eat by myself so I’m good.”
“Argh, that just makes me feel extra guilty! If this wasn’t a huge commission, I’d tell them to shove it. It’s a Monday night. Who works at eight o’clock on a Monday night?”
“You do because you’re on track to retire when you’re forty, so go. Make that moolah. We’ll talk later and—”
“Sails, hang on. Are you…are you doing okay being out at night on your own? I know how hard the market was for you to begin with. I can’t believe I invited you out and then bailed when you’re finally ready to start socialising again.”
I warmed with affection for my best friend. “Honestly, Lils, I’m good. I won’t lie that driving here wasn’t all that easy and being hemmed in with the ticket line pushed a few buttons but…each time I put myself out there is another step out of the jail he tried to put me in. I’m growing my wings, remember?”
“You’re so brave, and I’m so proud of you.”
“And I’ll be proud of you when you make those millions and shout me a trip to Bali.”
“Done. That’s definitely happening.”
“Alright then. Go work hard. I’m fine. I’m gonna watch this, and then I’ll spoil it for you because you know that’s how I roll.”
“I still curse you for spoiling that Sailor Moon episode all these years later.”
“You’re welcome.” I laughed. “Okay gotta go. Credits are starting. Byeeeee.” I hung up and quickly turned my phone on silent despite the fact that people still drifted into the cinema and the movie hadn’t started yet.
I wasn’t really one to go to the movies on my own. And if I’d known Lily wouldn’t be coming, no way would I have fought through my mini panic attack at going into public at night, but now that I was here…oh well.
I was safe.
I was around lots of people who I could scream for help if needed.
I’d been brave enough to get here, and…to be honest, it was kinda fun. I’d never done anything like this, even before Milton tried to murder me. It felt healing in a way. A date by myself. Self-care and all that.
I’m fine.
Completely fine .
See? This is totally good for me.
My phone vibrated just as I went to tuck it into my bag.
I hated that my heart rate spiked, thinking it might be X.
After he cut contact, I’d torn out the SIM from the burner phone and put it into mine, cloning the messages and number thanks to dual SIM slots. I refused to carry two phones for the rest of my life, especially if he’d never message me again.
Swiping my inbox open, I stiffened.
Unknown Number: Thank you so much for dinner. It was perfect. I can’t believe you offered to feed me, and I wasn’t awake to say thanks in person. Sorry about that.
I slouched in my velour-covered chair.
Well, it definitely wasn’t X.
Me: I’m assuming this is Zander?
He replied instantly, and I saved his number into my contacts. My address book flashed up with X’s number, seeing as the two letters were at the end of the alphabet. Why did I have to crush on two men with uncommon letters? Why couldn’t one of them have started with a D or an S instead of being almost side by side?
Zander: It is. I can’t believe we’ve never exchanged numbers.
Me: I agree. Don’t take this the wrong way. I’m happy to be able to chat, but…how did you get my number? I don’t remember sharing?
It took him a minute or two to reply.
Zander: It was in one of Gran’s old notebooks.
Me: Luckily, you didn’t throw it out.
Zander: I agree.
The conversation reached a natural end; I didn’t know if I should reply or not. I’d made him dinner. He’d thanked me. There wasn’t much else to say, despite the rising bubbly feelings inside me.
The theatre suddenly plunged into darkness. People hushed each other as the movie started.
One second, I was fine.
The next, that awful, prickly, horrible fear tiptoed down my spine with icy fingers.
My pulse kicked up, drenching my system with adrenaline.
The music system blasted with its ‘Dolby Surround Sound’ experience, making me jolt like an idiot in my seat.
Oh no.
My eyes flew to the exit.
Fight-or-flight gushed through my limbs, making me desperate to run.
Breathe.
Just breathe.
The person next to me kicked my ankle as they shifted to get comfortable.
The urge to hit them and scream almost made me hyperventilate.
You’re fine.
It’s all in your head.
You’re safe.
My legs bunched to stand. I peered down the long row of chairs. I’d have to brush past countless people and run the risk of being touched by a stranger.
Get out.
Go!
I breathed faster, harder.
No, please don’t.
Not here.
Not now.
Swallowing hard against the bitter bite of panic, I closed out the message with Zander and opened the one with X.
I stared at his name.
I closed my eyes and breathed through the wash of debilitating terror. How could I think I was safe in this crowd? I wasn’t safe. I was alone. And being alone was the exact opposite of what I needed.
I need Peng.
Why did I leave him to come here?
Why did I think I was ready for this?
I needed his warm little body in my arms.
I needed X to wrap me in a hug and protect me from—
“You’re such a slut. I saw what you two did on that couch. No wonder you got rid of it so fast. You’re a whore trying to get rid of the evidence.”
Dropping my phone onto my lap, I clamped my hands over my ears trying to drown out Goblin-Milton’s voice. But then the movie started with bright flashing lights and crazy booming music, and my system threatened to explode in all directions.
Something blasted on the screen, delivering shock value and making a few of the audience giggle-scream.
My system didn’t just dabble with a panic attack, it went full blown.
Dry mouth, broken lungs, stinging tears.
Biting my bottom lip hard enough to draw blood, I forced my trembling hands to grab my phone.
The last time I’d had a panic attack, focusing on something else had helped. Talking about nonsense. Trusting someone on the other end to catch me.
Sipping breaths between my hyperventilating state, I texted as fast as I could .
Me: I know you’ve decided to cut all contact, and I respect your choice not to see me again, but you appointed yourself as my protector and I need you right now. I’m not okay. I’m terrified I’m going to embarrass myself by screaming or fainting so even if you don’t read this, I’m just going to pretend you are.
I pressed send, hoping against hell he hadn’t blocked me.
The message delivered.
I didn’t wait for him to reply before sending another one, distracting myself, using him like I did that night when I’d been jumping out of my skin.
Me: Lily and I planned on coming to the movies tonight. But she had to cancel last minute, so I’m here alone. I thought I was better. I actually thought it could be kinda fun, but now I’m drowning and all I want to do is run. But the movie has started, and the crowd is thick, and I don’t have the courage to brush past people in case they touch me.
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I typed faster and faster.
Me: I miss my cat. Can you believe that? I miss him so, so much. I know I’d be fine if he was in my arms. Why am I not over this? Why am I weak enough to have flashbacks like this? It doesn’t even make sense. Milton never hurt me at the movies. I have no reason for panicking when nothing bad happened here. God, I’m so stupid! I wasn’t even abused like other women. It just happened that one time!
My heart stopped flying and turned to palpitations instead. My entire body jittered and shuddered. The words on the screen melted with my tears.
Closing my eyes and holding the armrest of my chair, I focused on my breathing.
My phone vibrated in my lap.
I snatched it up.
Zander: Hey, Sailor? Are you free to talk? Can I call you?
I quaked as panic set fire to my limbs. Why had Zander messaged me instead of X? I didn’t want him right now. I didn’t need an exhausted doctor with a heart so sweet sugar ran in his veins. I needed a masked stalker who grabbed me with no apology and kissed me with exquisite possession.
Another text flashed.
Zander: Please, Sailor? It’s urgent. I need to talk to you.
I glared at my phone, daring, hoping, begging X to message.
And nothing.
I could barely see straight anymore.
My sniffles became too strong to choke down.
I needed to go somewhere I could huddle into a ball and sob.
But I couldn’t shed the guilt of leaving Zander hanging. What if he was dealing with his own stuff? What if whatever had hurt him today was hurting him now and he’d reached out for my help?
Using my last remaining strength, I sent a generic reply, hiding how badly I unravelled.
Me: Sorry, Zander. I’m at the movies. I can’t call. I hope you’re okay.
And that was it for my courage.
Closing Zander’s message, I opened X’s thread again .
Me: If you’re reading this and happen to be anywhere near the cinema tonight, I think…I think I might need help.
I pressed send.
Then lost myself to panic.