51
Sailor
Cupcake Confessions
“SO…ARE YOU READY FOR ME TO tell you all my secrets because I’m only saying this once and only once and then I have a plan to put into action but I didn’t want to put it into action until I’d spoken to you because I need your advice and I’ve been thinking about this non-stop for eight awful days and it’s doing my head in until I can’t see straight anymore and so yeah…only saying this once.”
“Whoa, jeez Louise, did you breathe at all in that terrible run-on sentence?” Lily grinned. “No more coffee for you.” Taking away my empty cappuccino cup, she shoved another tiny vanilla cupcake onto my plate instead.
My first outing to a local café, and it was to the one closest to Lily’s real estate office. I’d driven here by myself, parked in an alley, walked down a crowded street, and waited for her in a bustling restaurant with no problem whatsoever.
Goblin-Milton never said a peep.
I didn’t jump or flinch or freak out if someone looked at me or got too close.
I was back to myself.
And I only had Zander to blame.
“If I’d known you wanted to spill the beans when you called me this morning, I would’ve chosen a quieter place.”
I shook my head, fiddling with my napkin. “This is perfect. I can blurt it out, suffer your scorn, and then go. At least you can’t berate me for hours.”
“Uh-oh, what’s going on?”
“Oh, you know…nothing much. I just had the best sex of my life with a man who I didn’t know his name and just found out he’s been lying to me this entire time, but for some reason, I can’t stay mad, and now…now, I’m seriously considering running after him.”
Lily dropped her cupcake. Icing down. White frosting splashed her pale pink suit. “Okay…you can not just dump that on a girl.”
I passed her my dogeared napkin. She took it and scrubbed her blazer. “Start from the top, Sails. Don’t leave anything out.”
I kept my eyes locked on the table and tried to figure out how best to say this.
I’d gone over every detail of X and Zander and Zander and X and ugh. I couldn’t keep torturing myself this way. I’d made a thousand lists. Made a million excuses. Tried my best to cling to my righteous anger all while I saw it from his point of view.
I played devil’s advocate late at night when I couldn’t sleep. I became the bad guy needing someone to save me, only to be rescued by the boy next door who’d put his own morals and sanity on the line.
He’d put me first.
He’d given me an outlet, a safety net.
He became my protector and guardian and… God.
Who was I kidding?
I wasn’t mad.
How could I be mad when my wish had come true?
Hadn’t I wished that Zander and X were the same person, all so my heart wasn’t torn in two? Hadn’t I been drawn to both? Confused and hurting to be attracted to two men when I was always hardwired to be loyal to just one?
I hadn’t understood then, but my body had. My heart had. Both of those had known all along, just like Peng. It was just my stupid eyes that hadn’t seen.
“Are you going to speak, Sailor Moon, or do I need to slap you back into the world of the living?”
I blinked and forced a smile. “You can’t judge me.”
“Oh, I’m judging.” She smirked and crossed her arms. “And I want to hear every detail. Who the hell did you hook up with? How was it the best sex of your life? How did you not tell me this?”
Using her questions as stepping stones to everything else, I said, “His name is X. It was the best because I asked for what I wanted, and he gave it to me with no shame or fear. He bruised me but in the best kinds of way, and…I couldn’t tell you because…he was my stalker.”
“Your what ?” Her jaw fell on the table. “He was stalking you?!” Her eyes narrowed into slits. Pointing a finger in my face, she hissed, “I knew it! The phone in your letterbox, the ‘care’ package you didn’t explain. That was him?”
“Yes.”
“And you slept with him? Are you insane? Do you not watch crime TV?”
“Believe me…I had those same thoughts when he first started messaging me but…”
“But?”
“I grew to trust him.”
She crossed her arms. “Explain. Immediately.”
So I explained.
About everything.
Every moment, every message, every mistake and triumph and fall.
And when I was done, Lily ordered two glasses of wine instead of coffee, claiming she needed alcohol.
We both waited until the crisp white wine had been delivered.
After taking a huge gulp, she coughed around the sharpness. “You know he called me looking for you. Zander, I mean. The night I stood you up at the movies.” Her face fell. “By the way, I’m so, so sorry that creep attacked you in the car park. If I’d gone you would never—”
“Zander was there to save me.” I shrugged. “And I think…I think I needed to see him in that way. You know…being violent toward someone? Protecting me like X did. If I hadn’t, I would still have a super hard time admitting he’s the one who’s been stalking me all along.”
“Not surprised. He went as far as to dye his hair and change his eye colour. That’s commitment. Freaky commitment.”
I nodded along, sipping my wine.
Her voice softened as her eyes met mine. “I should’ve guessed something was going on with you two. The night he called me looking for you, his voice said it all.”
“What did it say?”
“He was panicking. Desperate.” She smiled gently. “He’s in love with you.”
I ducked my head, fighting a blush. “So…you don’t think I’m crazy?”
“Oh, I think you’re batshit crazy.” She laughed. “But then again…so is he. It sounds as if he’s turned himself into knots for you. Coming over in the dead of night, giving you an orgasm under duress, gifting you a damn kitten for goodness’ sake. I mean come on .” She pressed her wrist to her forehead and fake swooned. “He’s a walking romance trope.”
I laughed, surprising myself. “And you’re not mad at me?”
Her smile fell. “Honestly? Yeah, I am a little.”
I flinched.
She took my hand and squeezed it, all while she scolded me. “I’m happy for you, Sails. I truly am. He wouldn’t have gone to such crazy extremes if he wasn’t head over freaking heels for you. I’m grateful he gave you an outlet to talk. That he was smart enough to know you needed a stranger to confess to. He helped you find your feet again, but I can’t help feeling like…you didn’t trust me enough to confide in me. I’m hurt that you thought I wouldn’t accept you. I would’ve loved you no matter what state you were in—”
“I know. And I love you for it. I know every word of that is true, but…I was a little lost, Lils. I was afraid of my own shadow, and you looked at me as if I was so strong, and I needed to believe that. I don’t think I could’ve coped if you’d seen how much I struggled.”
Tears glimmered in her eyes. “I get it. I do. But I just need you to know I would never think you were weak for having panic attacks. Milton tried to kill you, Sails. Even if you hadn’t almost been strangled to death, something like that stays with a person.”
I sipped my drink and let her continue.
“No matter that Zander lied to you and stalked my best friend, I’ll always be grateful to him for helping you, and I can even understand why he used a fake name and wore a mask, especially now that I know that Milton hurt you all because he caught you spying on Zander in a towel—”
“I wasn’t spying.” I swallowed a mouthful of zesty alcohol. “I was thinking about work and—”
“I’m sorry, moonbeam, but that’s a lie.”
I reared back, breaking our handhold. “What? How could you—?”
“I’m your best friend.” She smirked kindly. “I’m around at your place all the time. I’ve been popping over well before Milton ever moved in. Do you honestly think I haven’t caught you checking out your neighbour?”
“What? No, I—”
“You might not be aware of it, but whenever Zander appeared in his living room or kitchen, every part of you knew. You’re like a damn antenna picking up his whereabouts.” Her smirk turned into a laugh. “Do you remember the night we were playing Monopoly and you—for the first time ever, I might add—had all the hotels, and I landed on your squares and had to pay an exorbitant amount of money?”
I scowled, going back over our fun game nights that’d become a bit of a tradition. We’d taken up playing Monopoly as an ode to my grandparents but also because Lily said it would help her get in touch with her developer side. We’d kept playing it because it was fun to bicker and taunt, all while eating snacks and sugar.
But try as I might, I couldn’t remember that night. Usually, I lost. I would remember wiping out her bank balance. “I’m guessing you cheated because I don’t remember you losing any game.”
“And there you have it. I rest my case.”
I frowned. “I don’t follow.”
“You didn’t remember to charge me because you were too damn busy perving at Zander as he paced through his house on his phone. He was wearing a pair of track pants that hung real low and no shirt. Even I did a second-glance. But you?” She fanned herself. “You practically crawled to the window to watch.”
“What?” My cheeks caught fire. “I wouldn’t. I didn’t—”
“You did, and it’s okay. You’ve wanted him for years. Even if you couldn’t admit it.”
My stomach clenched.
I have a crush on you.
This stupid crush is getting out of control.
I like you…
X and Zander’s voice braided into one in my head. A gush of goosebumps shot down my back.
In a split second, everything ceased to matter.
The lying. The sneaking. The stalking.
Nothing mattered.
Because he was him.
I stood so fast, my chair fell backward.
Lily just smirked and waved a hand like a princess shooing me away. “Let me guess, you have something you need to do?”
Rushing around the table, I kissed her on the cheek. “I love you, Lily McBride.”
“Yeah, yeah. Go get that Dr Stalker of yours.”
I flew out of the café.
Oh, Zander, Zander, Zander…whatever am I going to do with you?
I had a new plan.
One where I’d enjoy the tiniest bit of revenge. Zander would get a serious wake-up call. And every obstacle keeping us apart would shatter.
Dashing to my car, I threw myself inside, locked my doors because…safety…and then called the hospital.
I jittered and shivered, willing the line to connect.
My voice cracked as I asked to be put through to Dr Colin Marx.
And when it connected, I blurted a question, “Did you or did you not give Zander North black hair dye and brown eye contacts so he could become incognito to stalk me?”
Colin coughed. “Uh…well, shit. I’m guessing this is Sailor Rose?”
“It is. Are you going to answer me?”
“Guilty as charged.” He sighed. “Are you gathering information to file a report on him? Because I have to warn you, he did it out of love. He loves you, Sailor. He always has and—”
“Does the dye wash out easily?”
He sighed again. “It’s completely water based. Doesn’t even need soap.”
“Perfect.”
“Look, Sailor. I know you have every right to be pissed, but please—”
“Don’t tell him I called you. You have my word I’m not going to hurt him. I heard you both. A week ago, when he was drunk and you came round.”
“Ah, crap…you did?” His voice turned into a whisper. “So you’ll know how much he’s suffering over this? He hates that he lied to you. That he lost you. He’s even asked for a transfer. He thinks it’s for the best and—”
“He’s not going anywhere.” I clutched my steering wheel. “I’m going to enjoy a tiny bit of payback, then I’m going to ensure he has someone to take care of him for the rest of his life.”
He exhaled in a rush. “You mean it? Ugh, that’s the best news I’ve—wait.” His tone turned suspicious. “What do you mean? Payback?”
“You’ll see.”
I hung up and drove with a mad smile all the way home.