Chapter 2
Jonah, Freshman Year of College
Things pretty much went downhill after graduation. I mean, god, high school was hard enough. But college? Jeez. And without Kai? I woke up every day hoping I’d get hit by a truck and sent into a coma until she returned. Truly.
I had no idea it was possible to find so many stupid people all packed into one place, but Oli and I decided to go to college close by in Los Angeles so, really, I should’ve expected it. If it wasn’t a devil’s advocate in English class, it was a frat boy trying to get a girl’s number in the dining hall. I could not, for the life of me, find the draw. I didn’t even want to fucking be at college, but that”s what nineteen-year-olds do. Or so I’d been told.
I spent my days curled up in my dirty sheets which I had no will to clean, festering in the same pair of sweatpants and the same sweatshirt I wore daily. Oli continued living his life as usual. He didn’t love college either, but I was envious of the heart that still sounded in his chest.
He’d left about an hour before for his 8:00 a.m. class, and I sat wasting away yet another morning. I stared at the pile of clothes shoved halfway under my bed, knowing I should really pick them up, fold them, and put them away. But I couldn’t. In the simplest way, I couldn’t. Much like I couldn’t bring myself to take a shower or force my way downstairs to do laundry. The only thing my body allowed me to do was call Kai. Were I ever lucky enough to be sent into that coma, the only thing I’d really be upset about missing would be our video calls.
We spoke on video chat every other day, if not every day, and it was just enough to keep me alive. But as the weeks and months carried on, things simply got worse. She got farther away, somehow. Her life changed in ways I didn’t understand, and I felt I was reliving losing her over and over again.
At first, she’d call from her room, and we’d bond over how much we missed the old days and how much we wanted to be close. Then, she’d call while she was on her way out, telling me about her new friends, Ana and Rachel, whom she’d met in class. Then, she’d call me at 5:00 a.m. as she closed up the bar she’d suddenly started working at, her body clad in lace too scanty for my sanity. She talked about things that didn’t resonate with me. She told me of drink pouring and her lack of memory of last night, meanwhile all I had to offer was a description of the inside of my dorm room.
I didn’t love her any less, she was just so…far away. In every sense of the term.
It was November now, and I was curled in my dirty bed, skipping class to brood and waiting for my phone to ring and distract me from the awful weight between my ribs. Few things on this planet confused me deeply: other humans, the Celsius scale, and my own body. I never knew it was possible to feel nausea in the chest. I figured a body would have to choose or at least separate a broken heart from a woozy stomach. Somehow, my vessel defied all odds and combined the two into the most horrible concoction of anxiety.
By some small miracle, my phone did ring, and by another, it was Kai’s name on the screen. I fumbled with the device and picked up immediately, jumping out of bed to sit on the wooden chair by my desk and stack her against the books on it. Ignoring my queasiness, I shifted my pitiful desolation to a show of negativity with a dash of indifference. If I was going to be a sad loser, I could at least pretend to be a little mysterious with it.
“Kai,” I said, clearing my throat and pushing away strands of messy hair from my face. I glanced at myself in the small window on the video chat and ripped the elastic band from my low bun, redoing it quickly. I looked like shit.
“Hi, Jojo!” she said happily, lifting the phone to show her surroundings. She sat atop sheets of tropical flowers in her dorm room with her legs crossed and a teddy bear in her lap. Always with that lucky, lucky teddy bear. Her brown hair flowed right out of the camera, and her sticky-sweet gaze threatened to pull me through the screen. “What are you up to today?”
I grunted. “Want to take a wild guess?”
“Hmmm.” She brought a finger to her lips, tapping them lightly. “You’re at a crazy party, surrounded by beautiful models, getting totally blasted without me.”
I lifted my eyebrows once. “You caught me.”
Given we’d been separated for some three months now and we video chatted at least every other day, that would be a minimum of forty-five video calls since she left and I arrived here. Of all those calls, there hadn’t been a single one during which I was not seated in this exact spot, alone and uninterested.
No. False. Sometimes I sat on my bed.
She tilted her head, her cinnamon eyes using their magic powers to try and see through me. “You should really get out and make some friends, Jo.”
She was always making futile suggestions like that. She was happy, curious, and expressive. Everything I wasn’t. While she was sweet springtime, I was wet, gray pavement. A girl of beautiful, golden light and a boy, nothing more than the weight of life incarnate.
I think that’s why we got along so well. We balanced each other out. Either that or because, deep down, we were both entirely consumed by our anxiety about the world, albeit in different ways. It could’ve been either one of those reasons, really.
“I have friends,” I said. “I have you and Oli.”
“Oh, don’t be a dick, Jonah. You’re gonna get so bitter you’ll scare us away too.”
“I’m not bitter. I’m esoteric,” I lied.
“You are pretentious.”
I rolled my eyes, and she gave me a smirk I knew all too well. It was the smirk she offered when she was done being sweet and decided she wanted to tease me instead. I adored Sweet Kai with all my heart, but I’ll admit Snarky Kai was a lot of fun. Somehow, her making fun of the way I was made me hate myself a little less. It took the edge off, and it made her smile, so really it was a win-win.
“And if I told you I was comfortable simply sitting in my room, doing homework and working on music?” Not that I ever did any homework, much less sit comfortably.
“Well, it depends how you say it.” She shifted herself to lie down on her stomach, her teddy bear between her arms. “Are you an anxious hermit or a mysterious musician?”
I watched her socks kick behind her head, and my face threatened me with a smile. “Oh, very mysterious, Kai.” I pulled my hood up over my hair and leaned back in my seat. “I sit here wearing all black, writing lyrics that’ll never see the light of day. My god, are they profound and so very mystifying. Just the other night I wrote a song about the complexity of life. What is real? Are we here or do we exist only within the scope of our imaginations?”
“Mhm, and what’s that one called?”
“Row, row, row your boat.” I hated myself for that one, but if anyone was going to get a glimpse of humor from me, it would be Kai. Maybe one day I’d finally be nice and funny enough for her to fall in love with me. The least I could do was try. “What do you think?”
“I think you’re delusional, Jojo.”
“Life is but a dream, Kai,” I said lazily, my eyes downcast. I reached my arm forward and tapped my pen on the desk in front of me, averting my gaze from the phone. I knew what she was going to say next.
“Really, though. I’m just saying. You might find some people out there who actually get you if you just tried.” Right on cue.
“I can’t” was my simple answer.
“And why is that?” She pouted with those two soft pillows she called lips, that gaze trapping me despite my best efforts.
“Because if I do, you’ll only be jealous in the end.” I cocked my head to let her know I was serious. I wasn’t, of course. I only said it because I hoped she’d say something I wanted to hear.
“That would never happen!” Her body jumped slightly from her relaxed position.
The smile hiding beneath my cheeks pushed harder at my skin, trying to pry its way out of me. “You say that now.”
“I mean it. You couldn’t find another friend better than me if you tried. So, there’s nothing to be jealous of.”
“Is that a dare?”
“It most certainly is not. You’re mine, Jo. All mine.”
That’s what I wanted to hear. For a moment, my brain was silent. “I am entirely.”
“Fine, then, maybe you’re right.” She sat up once again, restless in her position, and stuck her teddy bear on her head to try and balance it as she spoke. “Stay in your room. Better yet, drop out, please. I can’t have you around all those distractions. I don’t want anyone stealing my best friend.”
“That would never happen,” I crooned.
“I know.” She giggled as she dropped the dramatics as well as the bear from her head, her voice returning to her neutral happiness. “I just want to make sure you’re okay, Jo. You’re in there all day, every day.”
Groan.Was it so hard to believe that I preferred to be in here all day every day? What other option did I have? Go outside and force an enthusiasm that wasn’t mine? “I’m more than okay, Kai.”
“Mhm.” She didn’t believe me. Rightfully so, honestly. “And Oli? How is he? Is he having fun?”
I shrugged. “He hardly leaves the library. He’s been studying so much.” I barely even saw him during the day. He spent endless hours in classes, studying away for a degree he didn’t even want. What he really wanted was approval from his father and, not to be a dick, he was never going to get it. “Have you talked to him recently?”
“How could I? Between your calls and texts, I hardly have time to shower, let alone talk to other people.”
Ah, a perfect setup for me to say something stupid. “If you take our calls into the shower with you, you’ll free up just enough time to check in with him. See how simple?”
“Careful what you wish for, Jonah.” She lifted an eyebrow as her voice lowered into something sultry. “Your cool exterior will only get you as far as I let it.” Mmm. Minxy Kai.
“You know, someday I’ll learn to bite back, and you’ll regret it.” It was a lie. I would never be strong or cool enough to conquer her in any sort of way. At least not in real life.
“I don’t believe you one bit, Jo, but it’ll be fun to watch you try.”
I accepted my loss and changed the subject as I was now in real danger of a smirk emerging from my stoic face. “What about you? How’s everything in Madrid? Tell me your findings for the week so far.”
“Oh, Jojo.” She sighed sweetly, dropping her head back on the wall behind her and letting her bear sit in her lap. “Same as every week. Everyone here seems biologically drawn to thumpy music and cheap hookups. I’m trying my hardest to find the fun in it all.”
“You don’t have to, Kai, if those things don’t interest you.” She didn’t have to nor did I want her to, frankly. What can I say? Sue me. There were plenty of activities in which she could partake that didn’t involve getting close to strangers while I sat around imagining the worst against my will. Our friend group was never one for hookups or parties, and to see her thrust right into the middle of it all was just uncomfortable. For me and for her, by the sound of it.
“Yes, maybe I should just sit in my room, wearing black and writing songs instead.”
“I recommend it. I don’t want you out there getting distracted either. It’s not hard to find someone more likable than me but I need you to keep believing that it is or I’m afraid I’ll lose you forever.”
“Oh, Jonah. I couldn’t live without you! I couldn’t breathe without you!” she said with performative verve, lifting the back of her hand to her forehead. Dramatic Kai. A favorite of mine. When she was in my favor, of course.
“I know you’re just saying that to make me feel better.” Not that it didn’t work. She was the only one who could accomplish such a feat. Sure, Oli dampened the calamity in my head with his presence or surprise bottles of whiskey, but Kai silenced it. I honestly had half a mind to believe she was some sort of sorceress.
Just as I caught a glimpse of the person I was a few months ago, Kai put the ever-dreaded end to our conversation under the ruse that she needed to get to dance class and that she’d be late if we chatted any longer. I obviously didn’t expect her to drop her entire life and keep me afloat—I wasn’t that much of an asshole. But, selfishly, I did find it a bit unfair that I seemed to be the only one in our little friend group who found themselves unable to continue living.
Our video chat ended, and I was once again left at the desk of my dorm room, sinking into my sweatshirt, staring at the books in front of me and letting my bones cut into the wooden chair with the punitive weight of my body.
This is bullshit. This is all bullshit.
I wasn’t always such an asshole. And truth be told, I’m not really pretentious either. I prefer the term misunderstood.
It all started about four months ago. I was eighteen years old, recently graduated from high school, spending a beautiful summer morning neglecting my long, black hair by tying it into a low bun instead of brushing it. Looking down, I noticed the T-shirt I’d worn to bed the night before was still perfectly clean, so I left it in place, naturally. I pulled a pair of black, jean shorts over my legs. My stupid, skinny legs. Then, I looked at my own green eyes in the mirror for a few long seconds. After confirming that I was still just as unattractive as I was the day before, I made my way downstairs to the kitchen.
As soon as my foot hit the floor tiles, the sound of incessant knocking invaded my ears, tapping against my brain sharply. I craned my neck with a grunt to find the back door vibrating under someone’s strong fist. The top of Oli’s head was visible through the decorative window at the top of it.
I trudged toward him to let him in before he caught the attention of everyone in the house. “Oliver, I believe the agreement had always been that if you wanted to destroy my home, you’d need to huff and puff. The use of fists seems unfair, considering your size and strength—”
“Did you see the group chat?” he asked quickly. His eyes were red, glossy, and pained. I immediately dropped the attitude as my heart began smacking around in my chest cavity. What could he possibly mean by that? There were only three people in that group chat and two of us were there in my doorway.
“What happened?” I asked, ruffling around in my clothes, looking for my phone. “Oliver, what happened?” I asked again, realizing I’d left it upstairs.
“She’s moving.”
My eyebrows shot to my forehead. Well…that was all right. So she’d have a different home. I was happy if that meant her family found a more comfortable place to live. “Closer to downtown?”
He shook his head and gave me a look I didn’t care to see. A look like he wanted me to smarten up.
I pressed my lips together. “To Los Angeles, then? That’s fine. It’s not so far—”
“She’s leaving, Jonah. Kai is leaving California.”
“No.”
“Jonah.”He could hardly hold his tears. There was a canyon between his twisted brows, and his tall body was hunched over as if he’d been punched in the gut. My body froze as my cheeks began melting to the floor. This wasn’t some kind of vile joke. He was...serious.
Forget the phone. Forget fucking everything. Forget how to breathe, how to walk. Anything. Take anything from me. But not Kai. For the love of god, please don’t take her away from me.
“I need you to elaborate,” I said in a dark tone that I would become far too familiar with in the following months.
“She’s moving to Spain.” He said that like he couldn’t believe it himself, like he was seeking some sort of shared disbelief in me.
“No.” I shook my head. It was an impossibility. “No, she’s not. She’s going to stay here and work for a year to save up for college. Then she’ll come meet us at school next year.” He knew that perfectly well. I really shouldn’t have had to repeat it to him.
“I don’t think she is anymore.”
I shook my head once more, my eyes burning and blurring the person before me. I was going to be sick.
Oli and I drove to her house immediately, my throat choking up the entire way. I ground my teeth, thinking of how I could shut this whole thing down as if it were my decision. Maybe I could make some sort of speech to her mother, maybe I could give Kai my own college enrollment so she’d have to stay, or, if necessary, I could just go with her. Perhaps her family would take me in.
When we arrived, her father directed us upstairs. We burst through the bathroom door to find her crying in the tub in an oversized T-shirt with the shower running over her. She did that when she was upset. The “clingy, huggy clothes” helped calm her down, she always said.
Oli sat on the closed toilet with his face in his hands. I kneeled next to the tub and leaned the top half of my body under the water to give her an awkward hug. She took the opportunity to hang on me like a monkey on a branch as the stream seeped into my clothes and skin, falling over me like rain from my own personal storm cloud.
“We’re leaving,” she cried, confirming my worst fears. I squished my forehead into her shoulder, adding wetness to her T-shirt with my own pathetic feelings. “My parents are moving, and I have to go with them.” And it was all true. She really wasn’t just moving downtown, or to Los Angeles, or even back to the East Coast for that matter. She was moving to fucking Madrid. Spain. Europe.
I decided at that moment that all the times her parents had told me they loved me and so kindly tended to me as their own were just lies and manipulation. If they cared for me as much as they said, they wouldn’t have ripped away the very person who kept my heart beating.
“You can go to college here.” My obnoxious, nerdy voice cracked into her collarbone. “You can stay with us.” It would be perfect. She could move in with me and my parents for the summer. My sister’s room was empty, after all. Then when I went away to school, she could—
“College is too expensive here, Jo. They can pay for me if I study in Spain.” She was absolutely trembling, and I was positive my soul was crossing over to the other side. “Half the family is going, now that tío Carlos…” Her wails returned at the name of her recently deceased uncle.
I squeezed her weakly and tried once more. “You were going to save up.”
“I have to go with them, Jojo. Please.”
So this was truly the end. No more warm evenings spent downtown drinking energy drinks, no more watching her dance recitals, no more feeling her sweet presence around me when I needed it most. I couldn’t see through the blinding tears or the hot shower water in my face, but I felt Kai’s arm stretch behind me to hold Oli’s hand. I wished I could’ve stayed tied up like that forever. I was in pain, of course, but anything would have been better than what happened after that.
She moved. A few weeks later, she actually fucking moved.
I watched her car pull away with her inside of it, hands pressed to the window as she cried. When she disappeared from my view, I turned and fell into Oli’s chest and I… I just exploded. It all fell out of me. I cried and cried and cried until I genuinely thought I was going to shrivel up and fall to the ground.
The physical pull of being ripped away from her had me thinking my chest might’ve actually had a rope attached to it, and by the feel of it, I’d accidentally gotten it tangled in the rear bumper of Kai’s car.
My life was over.
When I finally lifted my twisted face from Oli’s chest and tried to speak, I found myself stuck. It was as if the largest spoonful of peanut butter had been placed right inside my throat. Except, it wasn’t fucking peanut butter. It was a sadness that would hang inside of me for years to come.
“I know, man,” Oli said as if he understood my silent communication. He choked back his own tears and pulled me into another hug.
That’s pretty much when the switch flipped. I had always been a bit uninterested, generally speaking, but the weight got heavier that day. I “celebrated” my nineteenth birthday at a university full of English Class Devil’s Advocates and What’s Your Sign Frat Boy Schmucks instead of laughing with my two best friends at The Cheesecake Factory. The weeks just dragged on, and it had not gotten even a smidge easier.
◆◆◆
“Jonah,” Oli said, entering the dorm room, back from his morning class. “What are you up to?”
“I just got off the phone with Kai.” I don’t actually know how much time had passed since our call ended. I’d zoned out.
“Oh, yeah?” he asked happily. “How is she?”
I leaned back in my seat and looked up at the ceiling. “Lost without me. Begging me to take her away. Head over heels in love with me.”
“Well, it took her long enough.” Six years, had it been true.
I glanced at him and offered a sad pout. Sarcasm covered up my desolation pretty well for the most part, but I didn’t have to do that around Oli.
“I know, man,” he said just as he had that fateful day. “But…” He walked to his closet and pulled one of those bottles of whiskey from the back.
I groaned in approval and lifted myself out of my seat. Oli had a lot of cool things about him, but during those first few months of college, my favorite thing about him was his thick, brown beard. I mean, seriously. We were nineteen years old. The guy looked like he was forty. A real mensch. He was twice my size, an entire head taller, and his cousin was damn good at making fake IDs. If it weren’t for that very adult-like beard, I would’ve had to face it all sober.
Nearly the entirety of freshman year was spent in our dorm room, imbibing and writing music together. I handled vocals and guitar, Oli played drums, and this kid Noah from Oli’s English class played bass and backup vocals. Noah was still growing on me. He both looked and acted like a golden retriever, and while he was talented, his enthusiasm was suffocating and honestly downright annoying. So, his participation was relatively limited still. Oli and I did most of the writing in our dorm room, and then when it came time to find space in the city to practice, we called on Noah. We did all right.
Anyway, Kai probably wouldn’t have been too proud to see me drinking whiskey before 10:00 a.m. or smoking cigarettes out the window. I mean, she would’ve joined in, but she would’ve said something heartbreaking like, This isn’t you, Jonah.