Chapter 34
Jonah
Kai left her phone on the desk when she stormed out of here. I was proud that she did storm out of here, oddly enough. I was proud she was standing up to me in ways I knew she’d never done with past partners.
I sat down in my chair, the weight of my helpless body rendering me more desolate than I’d ever been before. My head tilted toward her phone as I sank deeper into the seat. I watched it light up for minutes on end, unable to move.
Instagram. Instagram. WhatsApp. Gym Chat. Instagram. Instagram. Gym Chat.
Why would she need me when she had all that? Why would she ever want me for anything more than the hopeless devotion I was ravaged with? So easy to use. I was defenseless.
Her passcode was my birthday. The gatekeeper to all that activity. The shield blocking off the content of those many notifications. The one thing standing between her and the rest of the world.
Aaron is calling…
Fuck.
“Kai! Aaron is calling!” I said loudly from my slumped position. I was a pathetic man hoping with all my heart she’d answer in front of me.
She entered the room warily, eyeing me down as she approached the device. She answered and put it on speaker, leaving it next to my keyboard. Of course, she did, because for some reason or another, Kai continued to let me into every single part of her world. Into her. Maybe I was just being dramatic thinking she’d ever shut me out.
“What’s up, Aaron?” She leaned against the desk, neglecting to tell him I was also in the room.
“I thought about what you said this morning, so I texted Sandra. You remember that chick from last week?”
Kai’s eyes flicked to me in an instant, and she began picking at her nails nervously. She wanted to take the phone off speaker. Whatever she said to Aaron this morning was not meant for my ears, but she couldn’t back out now or it’d be obvious.
So, she was starting to shut me out already. If I were capable of moving my sad body, I might’ve just left the room.
“Seems like the kind of thing you can keep to yourself, Aaron.” Two of her fingers pressed to her cheek as she began chewing on the skin inside her mouth.
“Are you kidding me? The queen of intimate questions now wants me to keep this to myself? Kai, you’ve seen the sweat marks my ball sack leaves on my gym shorts. We don’t keep things to ourselves.”
At least she has a replacement lined up.
She crossed her arms and sighed deeply. “Okay. What did Sandra say?”
“Well, I asked her if she likes when guys make noise in the bedroom, and she said yes…” I widened my eyes, shooting the sharpest look I could muster at Kai. How dare she speak about those things with him? As if the vibrator from June wasn’t bad enough. Was our private intimacy suddenly everyone’s business? “So, I asked her what she thought about my…noise. I knew she’d be honest. She’s kind of a jerk.”
“And what did she say, Aar?”
I twisted my face to let her know I was mocking that stupid fucking nickname. She modeled a faint snarl my way.
“She said everything I say is commercial, Kai. That I say the same shit as every other fuck boy she’s ever met. She said having sex with me is fun, but that it’s like one of those really fake pornos where everything is for show. Can you believe that?”
She lifted her eyebrows lazily, holding back a smirk. “Yes, Aaron, I can. That’s exactly why B and I were laughing today.”
“I’m an excellent lay, KK.”
“And I’m so proud of you for that,” she said, chuckling to herself. “But there’s always more to learn.”
Excellent. So now that she’s learning more with me, she’s encouraging her idiot friends to do the same.That poor Sandra was probably going to become exactly what I was to Kai. Some sort of fucked up experiment for these hormonal gym freaks to sort out their own shit with, for them to get ready for each other.
“Apparently,” he said. “I want to tap into that stuff. And then we can discuss during our sessions. I feel like there’s a lot to uncover.”
“Sounds like a plan to me.” She paused and began scratching beneath her hair. “But...do you think that stuff can be uncovered with just anyone, or do you think there’s more to it?”
“What, like, feelings and stuff? I don’t know about all that.”
Feelings? What was this about feelings?
Kai shrugged as if Aaron could see her. She looked sad. She had that same energy she used to have all those years in Spain when she would try to explain what it was like to live without knowing who she was, when she used to tell me that she felt like an alien dropped on the planet that no one seemed to take a closer look at. No one except me.
“Yeah,” she said. “Me neither.” Right. Because she had none. Because she felt nothing for me.
“What about you? How are things on the best friend front?”
I was secretly hoping he wouldn’t ask about her so I could convince myself he was an asshole who paid no attention to her feelings. His looks were unfair. About as unfair as Kai’s, if not more. There had to be something wrong with him. I got the feeling his skills in the bedroom weren’t quite bad enough for my mind to ease.
Kai didn’t answer for a few tense moments. She just stared in front of herself, lost in thought, as I desperately waited for her to make a sound.
“Fine,” she said. Just fine.
“Yeah, all right. It’s funny you think I don’t know you by now. Don’t worry, KK. If shit hits the fan, B and I will be waiting at the platform so you can blow your back out and forget all about it.” Kai giggled, but it was fake. Her eyes were beginning to gloss over. Just how hurt was she by all that was going on between us? “And if shit really hits the fan, I have a giant cock you can sit on—”
“Aaron!” she shrieked, jumping from the desk.
Aaron’s laugh was deep and evil. It was official. I hated him. There was no point in pretending I was anything more than a jealous, hate-filled loser.
“I’m just kidding, KK. I know you’re more into skinny nerds. I can’t wait to officially meet him tomorrow.”
Tomorrow. At Briggs’ fucking cookout that he did every year to say goodbye to summer. It was the last fucking thing I wanted to do after our final day at the studio, but Kai insisted it would be fun. Tiff and Noah were lucky. They had to go to the DMV, so they couldn’t make it. God, how I would’ve preferred to go to the fucking DMV.
She faked another laugh and chatted him through to the end of the conversation, easing him along with the excuse that June was calling her from the other room. When she finally tapped the screen to end the call, she dragged her hands over her face for a silent moment before launching herself toward the door.
“What did you tell them?” I asked quickly, stopping her in her tracks.
“Don’t talk to me right now.” She didn’t so much as turn to look at me as she spoke. She made me fucking furious. This whole situation made me fucking furious.
“What did you tell them?”
“Nothing!” She whirled around on me, a terrifying concoction of emotions brewing in those eyes. “Nothing, because it’s none of their fucking business! You are no one’s business but mine!”
“Yours?”
“I said don’t talk to me right now!”
My beautiful girl stormed out in a hot flurry. She didn’t come back to the room for the rest of the night, and I didn’t bother seeking her out. She said she didn’t want to talk. Kai would never say that unless she meant it.
The feeling of falling asleep in an empty room ate away at my stomach.
◆◆◆
My consciousness the next morning was nothing more than a reminder that I’d slept alone. I rubbed my eyes, unable to lift myself from bed for fuck knows how long. When I finally did, I stumbled to the bathroom, bumping into the door frame on my way in.
I could hardly see into the light shining above the mirrors. A blurry hand in front of me reached for what I believed was my toothbrush, filled it with toothpaste, and shoved it into my mouth. My free hand approached my face, digging at either eye to clean out any early morning drowsiness.
As I gained a better view of the mirror in front of me, its reflection revealed clothing hanging to dry in the shower; the pair of jeans Kai wore last night, along with her T-shirt, a bra, and a thong thin enough to floss my teeth with.
My shoulders fell.
I’d been so frustrated with the whole situation that I hadn’t even stopped to think that Kai might be upset about it. Why would she have been? What would it matter to her if we did or didn’t hook up? No, that couldn’t be what had provoked a sad, clothed shower.
My attitude on the other hand…
I spit the toothpaste and rinsed my mouth out. I then splashed my face and hung in the sink, holding my cheeks for a few long moments and breathing deeply. A conversation was in order.
Forcing myself to get to the living room was twice as hard as forcing myself out of bed this morning. She was still asleep on the couch when I entered. Oli and June were dormant in their room, as usual. I sat myself on the floor, leaning sideways against the couch where her head rested, pressing one hand to her shoulder as I failed to resist placing a kiss on the top of her head. The entirety of her body was covered with the pale blue couch blanket, right up to her jaw.
Beautiful girl.
“I’m naked,” she whispered, shifting in place.
“Nice try.” I moved pieces of hair from her cheek that didn’t need to be moved.
“I’m serious.”
“I know you are. I saw the clothes in the shower.” She opened her eyes and stared at me. God, those beautiful, perfect, excellent, wonderful eyes. My control almost slipped, but my mind was set on something more important. “I’m not here to bicker or tie you to any furniture.”
She tutted. “Darn.”
“I still wouldn’t push it, though,” I warned. She glanced down, and I leaned closer, dropping my head to the edge of the couch. “Do you want to tell me why you were upset last night?”
“Do I really have to tell you, or do you already know?”
I rolled my eyes. “Are you going to answer all my questions with questions or are we going to have a productive discussion?”
“A productive discussion.” She scoffed. “This isn’t a college lecture, Jonah.”
I sighed. I was going to fucking lose it if she didn’t just speak to me like a normal person. I was so far out of my comfort zone, I almost felt I’d never get back to it.
Two seconds in, two seconds out.
She’s just deflecting.
Can’t do it.
“Fine.” I unfolded my legs beneath me to stand and leave her be, but she grabbed my arm. I glanced back and caught those sticky eyes turning watery.
She pouted, reaching out from under the blanket for a hug, begging me to drop back down to my knees and embrace her. I stared at her face as she crashed into me in case anything uncovered itself during the movement. Her chin hooked over my shoulder, and I wrapped my arms around her back, realizing the blanket had fallen to just above her hips. She was, indeed, very naked. My hands remained in the air, awkwardly bending up at the wrists as I held her.
Shit.
“It’s really hard to be around you.” Her sentence was punctuated with a sniffle on my shoulder. “It’s always been the easiest thing and now it’s so hard.”
“I know, Kai,” I whispered. I hated myself for suddenly getting distracted by the curve of her bare back. I had to be here for her. I had get my mind out of the fucking gutter. Here she was, sobbing because she simply missed me, and all I could think about was dragging a finger down the line of her spine.
And that was exactly what she was crying about. I couldn’t even get near the girl. I couldn’t even be a good friend to her, nor she to me. For the first time since I crossed that damn line, I realized the whole thing was tormenting her just as much as it was me.
I pressed my hands into her back and gave her a full, tight hug. The kind my best friend deserved. My hands slid across her skin as my arms pressed around her, but she twitched and rolled into me, sucking in a gasp. Fuck. I’d accidentally brushed the spot she likes on the side of her ribs. My body went stiff, and I appreciated the fact that she didn’t begin to toy with me. Instead, I could feel her thinking through ways to exit our embrace without showing herself. I reached one hand down to grab the blanket that was draped on her lower back and dragged it up carefully, looking away as I covered her with it. She sat there, covered chin down by the blanket, staring at me with those wet eyes.
◆◆◆
Kai
See me. See me. See me. For the love of god, see me.
This was so much more than a crush, than a game, and I was so done denying it. For the first time in my life, I couldn’t stand to hear him call me his friend.
“I love you, Kai…” Yes. “No matter what, okay? I know it’s weird now. But it’ll blow over. I promise.” No, fuck.
My heart turned into a slippery blob and slid right out of my rib cage. It landed somewhere in my stomach. A heavy reminder that I was fucked.
How could I live without Jonah? How could I live with him? What would I do if he ever started dating? Would I have to sit and watch?
My nose crashed into my blanket-covered fists as I began to sob. I couldn’t stomach any of those thoughts. Our friendship was over.
Jonah leaned in, taking hold of my shoulders over the fabric. He craned his neck down to look me in the eye and lifted one thumb to my cheek. As he touched my face gently, I saw it in his eyes, too. Heartbreak. We were done for.
“I’m probably going to keep being a bitch for a while.” I sniffled. “If that’s okay with you.”
His laugh came through, though it got stuck somewhere in his throat, as if it had to push through tears to make it out of his body. “Sweet Kai, Minxy Kai, Dramatic Kai, Snarky Bitch Kai. My favorite team,” he said with a smile. “Though it’s not really a team, is it? It’s more of an army. Can you imagine it?” He was trying to make me laugh. To take my mind off things. Just another reason I knew he was the one for me. “All those different Kais, all those versions, all those emotions, up against one, grumpy, gray, Jonah.”
I humored him. “When I picture it, we’re cartoons, and you have a single sword strapped to your back. But every Kai is equipped with a different weapon, each more nonsensical than the last.”
“That sounds about right. I’m most afraid of the one holding the coffee machine above her head.”
My eyes fell to the side as I surrendered a single chuckle. He was staring at me in such a beautifully overwhelming way, his fingers on the side of my head, his green eyes imagining things with me. I wanted to kiss him so badly I almost started crying again. I would have kissed him if we weren’t friends, as he had so eloquently put it last night.