That Infuriating Feeling: An Academic Rivals to Lovers Novel (Chasing Feelings Book 2)

Chapter 28

Oli

It wasn’t easy to keep myself from having sex with June in the middle of the mall, but I managed. After getting the perfume, we took a stroll through the toy store to find the perfect teddy bear, her hand in mine. When we arrived at the hub, we left the sweet gifts with coat check. The green-haired lady behind the counter cocked her pierced eyebrow as she peered into the bag at the fuzzy bear.

“Keep him safe,” June pleaded over the noise of thrashing drums and guttural vocals.

The coat check lady nodded with an amused look on her face, catching my eye before tucking the bag somewhere on the floor behind the counter. With that, June and I turned around to face the rest of the venue.

Ah, the hub.

Nothing like a shitty, underground, hardcore venue with hardly enough space for the number of people in it to silence my stress and purify my soul. I hoped it would do the same for June, that it would help her expel some of those heavy feelings.

The inside of the place was painted entirely black, nothing but white strobe lights illuminating the small hall. I’d never heard of the band on stage, but they were local, and from the few minutes I’d caught since arriving, they were wonderfully, deliciously heavy.

June nuzzled into my side, peering out at the crowd like she’d never seen anything like it. I was pretty sure she hadn’t. She was…alternative. Sure. I guess. I mean, she wore Converse. And I glimpsed a Modern Baseball T-shirt in her closet that night she was wasted. If anything, more so than alternative, June was just really, really sad inside. So, I didn’t get the feeling she was super hip to moshing.

Still, I hoped with every fiber of my being she’d find this at least a little cathartic. Maybe if she could resolve some of that anger and sadness, she’d open up to me more, and then we could spend the rest of our lives keeping each other leveled. She’d certainly calmed me down on more than one occasion, whether she knew it or not. She’d kind of…saved me, honestly. She saved me from myself, from my self-imposed expectations. She tore my world wide open and in doing so, broadened my horizons to distances I never let myself see before. My future was going to be so vastly different because of that. In a good way, I was sure, and I wanted to do the same thing for her. I wanted to help make her world a little bigger. To help her feel like it wasn’t caving in, but opening up.

I looked down at June, whose head was resting just under my shoulder. Her fingers twiddled my red flannel nervously as she scanned the room, taking in the sights and sounds. As the lead singer shucked off his shirt and screeched into the microphone for the next song, the mob began to shuffle. The pit was opening up.

“Do you want to get in there?” I asked over the music, leaning down to her ear. Admittedly, the band might’ve been a little too heavy for Juni’s first pit, but the crowd was pretty small, and she was pretty strong.

“That’s why you brought me here?!” She looked up at me. “To throw me into one of those death traps?!”

I chuckled at the fearsome glimmer in her eyes and kissed her once in hopes it would reassure her. “These are some of the nicest people you’ll ever meet. I promise.” I placed her in front of myself and held her shoulders from behind, both of us watching as the mosh pit morphed. “Rule number one of the pit. If you see someone get knocked down, you help them up. Okay?”

“Knocked down?!” She jumped slightly, and I bent lower to hug her.

“Rule number two. If you’re in the pit, mosh. If you’re not moshing, find a way out.”

“I’m not getting in there, Oli.”

“Rule number three. If you see anyone in there getting violent or dancing in such a way that they might hurt someone, you come to me. Period.”

“You really are as unintelligent as I always thought if you think I’m getting in there.”

“Rule number four. If anyone touches you…” I turned her around to face me, grabbing her by the arms. “If anyone touches you in a way you don’t like, you point them out to me, and you go wait in the bathroom. Do you hear me?”

“Why would you send me into a place where people are going to touch or hurt me, Oli?”

I cupped her face in my hands. Maybe I was making this whole thing seem way scarier than it was. “These people are nice. Trust me. It’s a similar crowd every time. I’m just preparing you for the worst because I…” Care about you. “Just in case. I think you could use this, and I want you to see what I see, but only if you want to.” She swallowed once and nodded, turning away from me. I gripped her arm one last time, and she glanced back. “I’m right here, June.”

June placed her hand on my beard and looked at me in a way that made me think she might… Well, I was going to say like, but it almost looked like she…loved me. Absurd. I couldn’t possibly let myself think that. But she quickly grabbed my head to kiss me, and in the middle of the loudest, wildest spot in town, my world went silent, and there was only us. She kissed me slowly, deeply, and I knew. I’d suspected for a long time, but at that moment, I knew.

It didn’t matter if I hated her or liked her or flat out couldn’t stand the thought of her. None of which was true, yet somehow, it was all true. I just wanted to be around her. All the time. I wanted her to be the one I debated with, the one with me when shit hit the fan, the one I loved. I just wanted her here. Forever.

She pulled away and stepped off cautiously into the crowd. Her head disappeared and then reemerged by the edge of the pit. I watched her turn to a girl with a blonde ponytail and say something. Perhaps she was asking for a companion. I would’ve blown through the fifteen feet between me and her in an instant if she needed me, but it was sweet that she was getting into it. She was trying. For me.

June and the other girl stepped into the circle. The girl seemed to give June a consensual shove before making a come here motion to encourage June to do the same. June gave her a little nudge and the girl signaled for more. June pushed her harder and the girl smiled, pushing back. Guitar riffs filled the air as the pit began to move, people of all shapes and sizes merging into one coherent whirlpool. The girl spun around and dragged June along with her as they began running around the circle.

I watched closely, making sure no crowd killers were coming to ruin June’s first experience, but as I searched and observed, I saw her smile. June smiled, and then she nudged a guy out of her way, and then she laughed. I couldn’t tell if I was watching her in slow motion or if I’d passed out from emotion and was hallucinating.

An enormous weight lifted off of my chest. June had already shown me she could get close to Oli the perfectionist, a version of me people didn’t quite take to. Now she was getting close to Oli the metalhead—perhaps my most misunderstood version. I didn’t listen to this music or come to these shows because I wanted to hurt anyone or sell my soul, as my father thought. It was an outlet. It was a community. And now June was part of it, and my will was no longer my own. It was hers.

It wasn’t long before she pushed back into the crowd, waving happily at the couple of people she’d run with. I’d never seen such a smiley, giggly person in a pit before in my life, but it was a beautiful sight to behold. I inched toward her as she shoved through, eyes on me the whole time and a bright glimmer in her wide grin.

“Oli!” she said from about four feet off, some three people between us. “I loved it!” I reached my hand through the mess of arms and bodies and pulled her right into me, insisting on another one of those world-silencing kisses. After a few moments, she pulled away, hopping up and down. “Did you see me?”

I think I nodded affirmatively before pulling her back in and kissing her once again. I needed her. Now. Every damn inch of her. To be inside of her body and soul. To know every piece of information there was to know about her. To divulge the inner workings of the farthest corners of my mind and to see her smile when she heard them.

Her arms wrapped around my neck, and she clung to me as I picked her up, securing her legs around my waist.

“Do you feel better?” I asked, rubbing my nose over hers.

“I can’t hear you!” she screamed back, rattling my ears.

I chuckled and trudged through the crowd to the bathrooms.

Stickers and marker streaks and lipstick covered the mirrors of the dirty little bathroom, though at least the three stalls were empty. We were alone.

“I asked if you feel better,” I said.

“Better? I didn’t feel bad before.”

I tilted my head. “I think you’ve felt bad for a long time. Did that help?” The cheerful look on her face told me as much as I needed to know, but I wanted to hear her say it.

“I like that it’s acceptable to get out extreme feelings here. You don’t find that everywhere.”

I nodded. “I’m glad you’re having fun. Really, really glad.” I was so fucking overwhelmed with joy and love and emotions I hadn’t had the pleasure of feeling before. The only possible way I could handle them was to ram her straight into a wall and choke her out, honestly. But as much as I wanted to watch her bounce on my cock, I also wanted to know every minute detail about every version of her from every stage of her life thus far right up to this very second. Not a problem. I could do both. I leaned in and kissed her hard. “What’s your favorite food?”

“Huh?”

I spun her around and ripped her jeans over her ass. “Answer me.”

“Uhm…oooh.” I reached my hand between her legs to find her soaked. All for me. I groaned at the feel of her on my fingertips. “C-cro-”

I sank into her slowly. “Come on, June.”

“Croissants,” she blurted as I added another finger. “I love croissants. With cream cheese a-a-and…fuck. Strawberry jammm.”

“That’s fucking adorable.” I grabbed her hair with my free hand and pulled her head back toward me, her chin craned up to the ceiling. “What were you like as a kid?”

“Oli!” she cried as I drove my fingers deeper, curling them into a hook. Her body jerked to let me know I’d hit her favorite spot.

“Don’t ignore my questions, Juni.”

She chuckled at the absurdity of it all, perhaps, but kept moaning for me as she pushed out an answer. “Alana and I…uuh…we’d steal shoes and…se-set off stink bombs.”

I froze. “You were a prankster?”

She nodded.

A smile spread across my face. Was this woman made for me? The only thing I could think to say was I love you, and the words so desperately begged to tumble out of my mouth. I bit my lips shut and nudged the side of her head with my nose, deciding against any more questions for the time being as I was at serious risk of losing myself entirely.

I wrapped a hand around her mouth, removing my fingers from inside her cunt and circling her clit. She whimpered into my palm, her body writhing though unable to move far. I had her trapped in my embrace where I longed to keep her forever, wrapped up, shielded from the outside world. With me, she was safe. I was safe.

Her hips began to buck, and her chest heaved. I watched and listened to every split second as she came, committing each detail to memory. Her lips, her neck, her voice. Fucking mesmerizing. When she finally stopped trembling, I spun her around, undid my zipper, and lifted her against the wall. I needed to fuck her. Badly.

“What about yo-oooh?!” She moaned as I plunged in, and I stopped with my hips fully settled into her. Did she just…ask me back? Did she wantto know about me? I searched her eyes which were rolling back in her head, hunting for a glimmer of love in those brown pools. I thought it might be there, but I was having trouble locating it.

“I like pizza,” I said as I rocked into her once, drowning in the sounds she made. “High school was hard.” I slammed into her again. “Kai and Jonah made it better.”

“You re-ally lo-ove them.”

And you, June. I love you. I love y—“Yes.”

“Let’s not t-talk about our frieeeends while we’re fucking.”

I had the weirdest, most jovial feeling. Like a jolly man walking on thin air. Like I lived in the clouds under the warm sun. I laughed and crushed my mouth into hers, stealing every kiss I could get.

She must—she must—feel this too.

◆◆◆

June

On the car ride home, I took the teddy bear out of its bag and plopped it on my lap. It was quite cute, with a little plaid bow tie and fur the color of Oli’s hair. Oli removed the perfume from its box and handed it to me so I could spritz the toy all over. It was a nice perfume, actually. I might’ve even considered getting myself some, but I already had my signature scent.

He reached out his hand and took the bear, lifting it to his nose. “Oh, ho, ho,” he chuckled. “I hope you won’t mind seeing a grown man cry.”

“I’ve already seen him cry, and I’d hardly consider him—or you—a grown man.”

His eyebrows rocketed upwards with a smirk. “I’m strong enough to accept that. But you should know what awaits you. This thing is practically making me want to hide away in my room.”

“Maybe you should.” I snatched it back and took a whiff. “Then I wouldn’t have to look at your ugly face so often.”

Instead of offering an answer, he reached over and un-clicked my seat belt. I began to protest but was quickly cut off by his large hand wrapping my bicep. In one swift movement, he dragged me across the seat of the car and leaned me into his side, wrapping both arms around me and pulling kisses from my mouth. “You think I’m ugly?” he teased.

I nodded, failing to conceal my grin as he rubbed my nose with his. I most certainly did not think he was ugly, not on the inside nor the outside.

“I think you’re beautiful,” he said.

“Do you?” My chest beamed. I stared up into his eyes, his long, pretty lashes making his gaze so soft and warm. I really couldn’t deny it anymore. I liked him. I liked Oliver. And, honestly, I was hardly even questioning if he liked me back. He made it known, and he made it safe.

I liked the way he cared about others, and the way he always wanted to improve, and the way he tried so hard. Oh, and his tongue piercing. I liked his tongue piercing. He was smart, and strong, and thoughtful, and I gravitated to him like an amorphous space rock caught in his serene orbit.

He bowed his chin. “Prepossessing, bewitching, downright enthralling.”

I gasped. “He knows vocabulary words.”

“Captivating, enchanting, beguiling.”

“Well…” I glanced down at the teddy bear between my fingers, twiddling its little ears. “I think you’re ugly,” I mumbled, hoping he would take that as me telling him he’s utterly breathtaking but being far too nervous to admit it aloud.

A goofy giggle bubbled up his throat as he held me tighter, tucking his chin behind my ear. Good. Then he understood.

“We should’ve gotten you a platypus,” I added, staring at the bear. Oh, how I would’ve loved to watch him light up over an adorable toy of his favorite animal, just like the one he had in that Facebook photo.

Oli tensed and shifted to look down at me. “You remembered that?”

I nodded. “I guess I did.”

When we arrived on campus, we stepped out of the car and walked through the quad, hands interlocked under the artificial lights. In the dorm room, we found Jonah half asleep next to his phone. It was nearly 1:00 in the morning. I hoped we wouldn’t bother him with our arrival, but he rolled over nonetheless, mumbling to us that we could turn on the lights if we wanted to. Oli clicked on a small reading lamp on his desk.

“I’m glad you’re awake, Jonah,” he said. “June has something for you.”

Jonah scratched his low messy bun and tilted his head up with a drowsy gaze. I held the teddy bear toward him. He cocked a brow, lifting himself from bed to receive the gift graciously, whether he understood it or not. Straightening out his big sweatshirt, he thanked me as I handed him the toy. From the way his mouth quirked to the side, I could tell he was totally confused.

He lifted it a bit closer to himself to inspect the bow tie and gave me a flat-lipped look as if to awkwardly say, Cool toy, June. But as his fingers ran along the fabric, the expression on his face began to change. He grasped the teddy in two hands and lifted it a little closer, paused, and then a little closer. Finally, his nose was pressed into the top of its head, and in a split second, he was hugging it, squeezing the life out of it. A bony hand covered his mouth as he released an enormous sob, his chin nuzzled into the bear’s neck.

With one arm still braced around his gift and the other extended, he approached me and buried his face in my shoulder. The poor little guy stood there wailing for almost an entire minute. I simply hugged him, remembering how badly I once needed a shoulder to cry on. He finally lifted his head, rubbing his red face with the oversized sleeve of his sweatshirt. Oli held up the bottle of perfume and signaled to Jonah that it was on the desk next to his lyric notebook. Jonah scuttled over to Oli and repeated the shoulder-wailing combo on him for another thirty seconds or so. He then trudged over to his bed, teddy bear suffocating between his arms, and rolled onto the mattress, pulling the blankets up to his ears and curling into a little ball around his new treasure.

My heart absolutely wept.

“Miss Juni.” Oli appeared behind me, closing his arms around my shoulders and whispering in my ear. “Do you know how hard it is to befriend that boy? You’ve gone and done it. You incredible human.”

A sense of pride welled in my chest. Even if I was a little weird, or so everyone back home seemed to think, so were these guys. And I made an impact. I let these boys know that I saw them. I let Jonah know he wasn’t alone and, in doing so, I didn’t feel so alone either. A beautiful man was hugging me, murmuring sweet musings in my ear. A wonderful friend was curled up, feeling a little less lonely tonight. And I felt it. I felt the barrier open in my chest as if the little guards protecting my castle walls began heaving and pulling to get the massive iron gate up at least halfway.

It felt good. It felt nostalgic.

Oli pressed kisses to the side of my head as he waddled me over to his tiny bed. After grabbing a T-shirt and sweatpants from his closet, he placed himself in front of me. He lifted my shirt carefully, keeping me hidden from Jonah’s view though Jonah was buried in blankets and paying us absolutely no mind, and replaced my top with one of his own. Then, he shucked off my pants and tossed them onto his desk chair, and I pulled on a pair of his sweats.

I snuggled into the sheets and peeked out as Oli changed, gazing at the tattoos along his soft arms and torso. There was one on his thick thigh, too, and a few down his leg. It surprised me how many he had for such a young guy, and that he had them in visible places, like his forearms, considering his home life. Plus, the tongue ring must have sent his father around the bend. Though perhaps that was all intentional.

My little rebel.

Well…big. My big rebel.

Myrebel.

Oli clicked off the light and sank into the covers next to me, wrapping me up as if I were his teddy bear. I placed kisses along his chin, craning my neck from my comfortably smushed position. The night had been so enjoyable, and I felt so at peace. Looking back, I truly couldn’t remember a time I’d felt this way. At least not in the last three years. A little part of me seemed to stretch itself awake in my heart and lay its cheek against the inside of my chest, glowing, warming me from the inside out.

“Oli?” I whispered into the darkness.

“Yes, June?”

“I hate you.” I’m not sure what possessed me to say it, but there was something in me that told me he needed to hear it.

Oli chuckled. He dropped his lips to the top of my head before murmuring, “I hate you too, June.”

Though, I had this strange feeling that hate wasn’t exactly the word we were looking for.