That Infuriating Feeling: An Academic Rivals to Lovers Novel (Chasing Feelings Book 2)

Chapter 30

June, Tuesday

It was the last day of classes. I sat at the back of the lecture hall, watching Oliver as he entered and descended the stairs to our usual row. He didn’t notice me as he took his seat. As more and more students filed in, he peeked around himself, his shoulders slumping bit by bit until, finally, Mr. Brown began to speak. Class had started.

Oliver didn’t pay a scrap of attention to our teacher. Instead, he looked slightly to his left, eyeing my empty chair. His knuckle knocked the back of it twice before he opened his hand and sandwiched it in his grip. Then, his arm fell, he leaned his elbows on his desk, and he faced the front. Perhaps he thought I hadn’t shown, which just proved how stupid he was. I would never miss such an important project. I sank deeper into my seat and focused on our teacher.

After three presentations, Oliver and I were finally called up to the front, the last pair on the last day of the semester.

“Mr. Awad,” our professor said, a confused look on his face as he stared at Oliver and the empty seat next to him. “Your counterpart?”

Counterpart. Scoff.

“I’m right here,” I projected, standing up before Oliver could answer. I eyed the back of his head as I did so, but he didn’t turn around to look at me as I’d expected. Instead, he rubbed his two large hands over his face and into his hair before grabbing a few notes and heading to the front of the room. I followed. He placed himself to the right of Mr. Brown’s desk and watched me approach. Mr. Brown once again took his seat in the front row from which he’d been watching the presentations.

“Hi,” Oliver said quietly as I reached where he stood.

“Do not talk to me,” I snapped.

“Gonna be kind of hard when we’re about to debate,” he mumbled.

I smacked our essay on the pile with the others. “You may talk to me about three things, Oliver, and only until this class is over, at which point the number of things will be reduced to zero. Your topics of choice are The Dark Ages, The Early Middle Ages, or The Medieval Era.”

“And groveling for your forgiveness?”

“Unattainable. Your silly tactics can’t fix this one.”

His shoulders fell. “I’m afraid I already know that, June.”

Ouch. I didn’t answer.

The presentation went off without a hitch, obviously. We’d prepared well despite our…romps. Oliver hardly looked at me or the class the entire time we presented, his gaze fixed either on his notes or on some undefined spot at the back of the room. Asshole. I made a point of glancing around, looking at random foreheads as I droned on, ignoring the prying eyes of strangers though faking at least a little bit of civility.

Then came the debate, and I’ll admit I was nervous to see where it would go, to see if we’d blow our tops. Oliver and I had never gotten along well. Never. And now? Worse, somehow.

He turned to face me to begin our discussion, and I almost got sucked into those fucking eyes. I’d never seen them so deep, so watery. Fuck. A sting began to grow behind my gaze, immediately traveling to the bridge of my nose. My vision blurred. I checked the front row to make sure it was far away enough that no one sitting there would notice my glossy eyes. It probably was.

“June,” Oliver whispered.

Fucking fuck. Perhaps the first row was far away enough, but he wasn’t. I shook my head. Maybe if I reached down, grabbed that pencil off Mr. Brown’s desk, and jabbed it into my ear, I could be excused.

“June, I’m right here,” he said in a quiet attempt to be comforting.

I stuck a finger in my tear duct to snatch up a drop that was forming and wiped it down the front of my shirt with a sniffle. “Yeah, that’s just it.” I forced a fake chuckle and looked out across the class. Everyone was waiting for one of us, either of us, to fucking say something already.

He cleared his throat. “Start us off, whiz kid.”

“Go fuck yourself,” I murmured.

His eyes fell, and something clamped around my stomach.

Our ten-minute debate about whether or not The Dark Ages were actually dark started with the usual arguments, though I hardly felt passionate about discussing this, and much less with Oliver. We made it through most of the allotted time with some info dumping and quoting shit we saw online. After who knows how long, I was getting sick of the conversation. I checked the clock on the wall. One minute left.

“The Dark Ages were an unenlightened time for Europe,” I argued in summary, attempting to convince the class they were dark, though they weren’t in the slightest. “There were fewer cultural advancements than other civilizations of the time, less literature and poetry left behind…”

“But with fewer powerful governments, the wars were smaller in scale and there was generally more political stability,” Oliver answered.

“Stability means nothing when it’s at the expense of a fully fleshed-out foundation,” I said, taking a seat on Mr. Brown’s desk. I couldn’t even hold myself upright anymore. Oliver glared at me. Yes, I was referring to us.

“Would you really value literature and poetry over the safety of citizens?” he asked.

“Would you really claim that ignorance is the best route to take?”

That question seemed to hit home for him, because he pulled himself out of a slight slump, his voice hardening as he stood next to where I sat. “Ignorance? There were excellent advancements in math and science.”

I waved a dismissive hand. “Not in Europe.”

“The era was not labeled as dark because the times were bad. It was labeled as dark because we’ve not been able to delve into it fully given the hand we’ve been dealt.”

“I would say that a lack of information could sour an entire era.” I crossed my arms, and his jaw clenched. Good. “Especially when it ends with turmoil.”

“A shoddy ending doesn’t negate all the good things that came before it.”

“Sure it does.” I turned to face the class. “Time’s up. I win, per usual.”

Oliver hardly had time to roll his eyes at me before Mr. Brown began clapping from his seat along with the rest of the class, but his voice did snake through the commotion, forcing its way into my ears. “June, please. I’m begging you.”

God, he looked so fucking handsome in that fucking gray flannel. It had come to be a second favorite of mine after the red one. My eyes trailed over him involuntarily, and he took a step closer.

“June.”

“That’s our last presentation of the day and of the semester,” Mr. Brown said as the claps died down, standing to face the class. Oliver and I remained behind him. Our professor began thanking everyone for the last few days of presentations and the last few months of learning, his voice fading out as I found myself inside some sort of invisible bubble with Oliver.

“You are a coward and a liar,” I said, glaring at his stupid, pretty eyes.

“I am.”

“This entire semester was all some competitive game.”

His apologetic composure hardened over. “That is not true.”

“It is.”

He pulled me in by my belt loop, whispering in my ear. “You cannot look me in the eye and say it was all a game. You cannot take back all the things you showed me.” I tried to wriggle from his hold but found myself unable as a large hand came around my back. “The things we did together cannot be fabricated, June. I felt you, and as much as you might like to, you cannot un-fuck me.”

Shit, his words hit me right between the legs. This was mortifying. My hands landed softly on his chest, betraying me as they roamed him.“Oli…”

“You cannot make me forget the way you begged for me. I can still see it when I close my eyes.” He turned us slightly so that his body blocked me from the rest of the class. Anyone behind him would’ve simply seen his back.

I peered up at him, unfairly influenced by his handsome face and dickish words. My hips twitched as a pulse hit the seam of my jeans, my heart still weeping in my chest. This was brutal. This was torture.

His lips crashed into mine, and my treacherous mouth invited him in instantly. God, how I hoped no one was watching. Except, I knew. I knew they were surely facing the front, listening to Mr. Brown and staring at us curiously.

I…I was so fucking mad, but he tasted so good, but I…

No.

I pushed him away and straightened out my shirt, smearing my hands down my front. “Don’t touch me, Oliver.”

He sighed as his eyes fell shut and his chest lowered. His being patient hadn’t worked. His being apologetic hadn’t worked. His being an asshole almost worked. But I was stronger. Finally, visibly, he gave up.

“I’ve tried everything, June. I’ve tried so fucking hard these last few weeks. I understand my fault here, and I’m so deeply sorry for what I did, but…” He shook his head, deciding against whatever he was about to say next. “Whatever, June. I’m just sorry.”

Mr. Brown finished speaking, and Oliver finally turned to walk away. I clenched my jaw and looked at the far wall. I couldn’t watch him leave. Pain shot to my throat, and I swallowed it with much difficulty.

Was I overreacting? Could we maintain this even if he wasn’t on campus?

No. No, that wasn’t the problem. I reminded myself of that. The problem was that he didn’t take me seriously enough to be open with me. The problem was that he lied. He kept me out when I was letting down all types of walls for him. The problem was that I couldn’t trust him, that he didn’t trust me. My heart deflated as the floodgates threatened to burst.

“Goodbye, Oli.” I don’t even know why I said it. He was some ten feet away already. He was leaving, and I went and spoke.

Stupid.

He stopped in his tracks and turned to face me one last time, the most painful, gut-wrenching glimmer in his eyes. “Goodbye, June.”

I did finally watch him exit the emptying lecture hall, my feet planted where I stood. I was too devastated to move.

Mr. Brown approached me, apparently oblivious to the conversation Oliver and I were having behind his back. “My lovely June! Excellent job today. How are you feeling?”

“Wonderful, I’m sure,” Mr. Hatzakis said as he appeared out of nowhere and walked down the lecture hall stairs to the front of the room. “Considering she was just having a private conversation with Mr. Awad that we could easily expel them for.”

“Why would a matchmaker bash his own success?” Mr. Brown asked as he gave Mr. Hatzakis a quick kiss on the cheek. The two men turned to me and smiled.

I pointed an angry finger at them, tears in my eyes as I gritted my teeth. “I knew it! This was some kind of heartless prank, wasn’t it?!”

Mr. Hatzakis held his hands up in surrender as Mr. Brown said, “Don’t blame us. It was your sister’s idea. I just approved based on whether or not I thought someone would get killed in the process.”

“Then you probably should’ve been a bit more careful,” I grumbled. “Because an intrinsic piece of my soul is most certainly dead.”

“Maybe it needed to die,” Mr. Hatzakis said with a shrug.

I rolled my eyes, giving the two men a typical goodbye, a thank you, and a see you next semester. With that, I made my way out of the hall and on to my next final class.

Fuck this entire fucking day.

◆◆◆

Oli

Is it horrible of me to say I knew this would happen? I really, really, really did not want to be right. Of course, I understood my error. I lied to her. I did. It wasn’t my intention. Or…it was. I don’t know.

I wanted to tell June everything, but I didn’t want to muddy what was happening between us with all of this dropping-out shit. I was scared. I was so fucking scared of the end, and then it happened, and it crushed me.

No. It destroyed me.

I fled the lecture hall, leaving the better part of my soul behind, unsure of where the hell to go. There was no way I was going to my final classes. The dorm room wasn’t an option because my emotions were coming on quickly and I couldn’t do this in front of Jonah. I had to keep it together. I had to keep us together. My mind chanted at me to hold on a little longer as my body searched desperately for a private place where my heart could come undone.

I needed Kai.

I walked to a cafe on the east side of campus and bought three bagels. A pizza would’ve been better, but something about eating a bagel in public felt less embarrassing than eating a whole pizza. So, I got three with sauce, meat, and cheese, and I hated every second of the transaction.

With the paper food bag in hand, I trudged up a small hill to a relatively isolated bench. It seemed as good a place as any to call Kai, stuff my face, and bawl my eyes out. I finished the first sandwich as I stared blankly ahead before hunching over my knees and dialing Kai’s contact. The phone rang twice before she answered. She held her device up with a smile to show me she was cooking vegetable soup, as she often did in the winter, before noticing my facial expression and lowering the phone. She turned down the heat on her stove and abandoned her food, sitting herself down on her couch. “Oli, what’s wrong? Are you okay? Is Jonah okay?”

“Kai.” I sucked up a sniffle as tears consumed me. “I really fucked up.”

She straightened out instantaneously. “What did you do to her, Oliver? Whatever it is, you can tell me. We’ll find a way out of this.”

Honestly, I could’ve told her I murdered the girl and Kai’s answer would’ve been the same. It was nice, of course, to have such loyal friends, but a pain to be lied to. There was no way out of this.

I placed Kai down on the seat of the bench so she faced the sky. I didn’t want her watching as I ate the next bagel and explained the biggest mistake I’d ever made. “I never told her I was leaving. I kept it from her this whole time.” I unwrapped the second greasy sandwich and took a bite. “She heard me fighting with my father. That’s how she found out. Kai, you should’ve seen her face.” A surge of emotion burbled up my chest, pushing my face into a tight sob as I forced myself to swallow my food. This was truly my own personal hell. “She looked like she’d taken a bullet to the stomach.”

“Why didn’t you tell her?” Kai asked delicately, as if she could see that I was at my limit, that I wished my body would simply collapse into itself and put me out of this misery.

I’d never experienced a broken heart before, but I was positive this was it. My piece of joy that I’d found amid all the stress, the one thing I cherished most, was taken away from me, smashed into pieces before my eyes. What’s worse, I had been the one to smash it. I fumbled it and destroyed it because I was too busy being an immature idiot.

“I don’t know, Kai. I figured she’d think I was pushing us in some kind of…direction.”

“And? You didn’t want to push the relationship in a direction?”

“Of course, I did.” I whipped my head toward my phone and swallowed my most recent bite. “Are you kidding me? I’d get down on one knee right here, right now.”

“Then I don’t understand why you kept her out, Oli.” Kai shrugged casually as if she had it all figured out already, as if this was so shallow and simple. “Obviously, she didn’t want to be kept out. Obviously, she wouldn’t have hated knowing that you cared enough to tell her.”

Yeah, well, I didn’t fucking know that. I thought telling June would be like blasting an air horn at an easily spooked horse. I set my bagel down on top of the paper food bag on the bench next to me and laced my fingers together. “What would you do in June’s position, Kai?”

“I don’t know her, Oli. I don’t. But if I was starting to like someone and then they shut me out of something big, I think I’d just be embarrassed. Especially if liking someone was hard for me. Like, imagine someone more closed-off than us. Imagine Jonah opening up to someone. He’d be gone at the first whiff of a fuck-up. Not because he’s unforgiving. Because he’s ashamed of putting himself out there.”

I picked the phone up from the bench. “I honestly don’t love the way she handled it either, Kai. I can’t keep getting yelled at.”

She scrunched her nose pensively. “If you hadn’t lied, would you have gotten yelled at for something else?”

I paused. Three months ago? Yes. One month ago? Also yes, probably. Now? After the night at the hub? Honestly, no. June had let me in. We were past the rivalry. It was smooth sailing until I shot my lies like a cannon into her hull. This time was definitely 100% on me. Fuck. “I guess not.”

“Your intentions were...fine. I guess,” Kai said. “But hers are too. You understand, don’t you?”

“Yes.” I scratched at my forearm under my flannel, sinking my nail into my skin until it hurt. “But that doesn’t help me fix this.”

“Have you apologized?”

“Vehemently.”

“Then it’s up to her now.”

“No. She won’t, Kai. She won’t come to me. I need to fix this.”

“What you need is to have a little bit more faith in other people.” My gaze shot to hers. She looked at me quite seriously. So that wasn’t a joke. “I love you, but you act like none of us could survive on our own.”

“Excuse you?”

Kai sighed and shook her head. “Oli, how does Jonah feel when you buy him vitamins?”

“Doesn’t matter. He needs to take them.”

“Answer the question before I hang up on you for being a dick.”

I picked up my sandwich with one hand and took another bite, swallowing hard. “He gets annoyed because it makes him feel like I don’t trust him to take care of himself,” I grumbled.

“Good. And how does June feel when you withhold important information just because you don’t think she’ll react the way you want her to?”

Oh.

I stared at my sandwich for a long time, thinking. I thought I’d just disrespected June by lying to her, but it was a hell of a lot worse than that, I realized. I disrespected her by invalidating her feelings so severely that I tried to refuse her the chance to feel them at all. And for my own selfish reasons. “I honestly didn’t even realize that I... I just didn’t realize. I try really hard, Kai.”

“That’s fine, but you need to let us try too. It’s not your responsibility to fix everything.”

“It is when it was my fault. This was my fault.”

“Yeah. It was.” She got up off the couch and walked to her kitchen, turning the stove back up and resuming her work on the pot of soup. Apparently, this simple conundrum was already solved in her mind. “But I don’t think it’s a blame game. She could’ve made you feel more secure, though I’m sure she had her reasons not to. You could’ve trusted her a bit more, though I know you had your reasons not to. Who cares? It’s not about blame, it’s about two people bouncing off of each other. Love isn’t perfect. It’s just life with sprinkles on top.”

I groaned. “Kai, that makes no sense.”

“Sure it does.” She set her wooden spoon on top of the pot and leaned into the counter with her hip. “Life is hard and continuous and it has a lot of ups and downs. Love is hard and continuous and it has a lot of ups and downs. The only difference between life and love is that extra little layer of sweetness, so don’t overthink it. There’s gonna be a lot of hard shit. It doesn’t matter. If you can figure it out in a way that works for both of you, that’s what matters.”

I sighed. “I didn’t even give her the chance to figure it out in a way that works for her.”

She turned back to her work on the stove and said, “Now you’re catching on.”

I clicked my tongue and wrapped up the rest of my food. Oddly enough, I didn’t want it anymore. Maybe Jonah would eat it.