Chapter 12
Hailey
“Why didn’t you comeback?” I whispered, our forearms sliding against each other, Jack’s calloused hand between ours.
“Why didn’t you say you loved me back when we were on that stage?” She smiled as if it were an old joke, not an old wound.
It hit me harder in the dark. Had I let her down?
“My mom said to take the money for college and never come back.”
“So that was it?” Jack asked. “The money or us?”
Ella shook her head, languid, like we all knew this was our last night together and none of us were going to waste any more time fighting. “My family said I could never come back to Rolling Green, never come home. They said if they ever caught wind of me doing anything not super straight they would stop paying for school. Tuition was a payoff for me to leave quietly, a thing they could take away at any moment. They wouldn’t let me see my brother because they thought...” She laughed sadly. “Full honesty? I was nineteen and I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t even know how to ride the city bus.”
“We would’ve shown you,” Jack murmured, brushing hair back from her forehead.
“I loved you, but I was scared. Truth is, it opened my eyes to the fact I needed to learn how to survive on my own before I could be good for anyone else.”
She went quiet for a long time, and we held each other. “And the truth was, I felt like a bad person. I had done something that broke my family’s value system. I knew it when the three of us were together—we were sneaking around. It felt like my fault.”
My heart twisted in empathy. Even now on rough days, I sometimes felt swallowed by the fear I was fundamentally flawed, destined to be abandoned. Wasn’t that what had really infuriated me about Ella? This whole night I’d been determined to make her regret leaving me. If that didn’t have the fingerprints of daddy issues all over it, nothing did.
If I was still trying to work out why my dad left when I was in elementary school, could I really blame Ella for getting thrown for a loop when both her parents threatened to do the same at nineteen? I mean, at least I’d had my mother.
“...after that one didn’t take,” Ella was telling us, “they found two back-to-back over the summer. I think there were a lot of parents doing the same thing as mine, you know? They didn’t want to see me, but they wanted to make sure I was getting cared for the entire summer. I wanted to believe it was their way of telling me they still had hope for me. There’d be this group of counselors telling us they used to have same-sex attraction but they’d conquered it and that’s why they were there, to show us we could too. The campers would sit in a big circle and cry about how we knew it was wrong and wanted to change. When a camper would get mad and say being gay was not bad, there would be this whole intervention, and we’d do a lock-in where everyone would stay up all night for crisis counseling.”
Tears leaked from the corners of Ella’s eyes as she lay curled up with us, but she seemed very matter-of-fact.
“Jesus,” Jack breathed. “Ella, you should’ve called us. We would’ve driven all night to pick you up from that place.” After a moment, he smiled. “We would’ve broken you out like the sexually deviant superheroes you know we are.”
She smiled back, the chemistry between them still obvious. “I thought about it. But honestly, it was strange. With everyone around you saying you weren’t really bi, it was just...whatever. Confusion, an identity crisis, or the perils of social media. After a while, it was as though I didn’t even know which end was up anymore. And then summer was over and I was back at college, where I had this life you two had never been part of—”
“Brainwashing,” I interrupted, furious. “That sounds like what they do in cults.”
“It just got harder and harder to imagine the two of you, the stress of what would happen if I tried to see you again. And honestly, every time I thought of you, I missed you so bad I felt like dying. After a while, it was safer and easier to imagine that summer had happened to someone else. So I... I gave up.”
I flinched. Giving up on us pushed all my buttons, just like it always had. Except this time, it was fresh in my head that Ella had been losing her family. How many dudes had I slept with, trying to work out why my dad had left, trying to make myself believe I could be loved? How different was that from what Ella had done?
“We gave up too,” Jack said softly.
I gave him wicked side-eye. No, we hadn’t. We had literally broken up because we had kept Ella’s ghost between us.
“We didn’t come after you,” he said. My stomach sank. That was true. “We didn’t rescue you.”
Jack had tried. He’d gotten cited by security for being a stalker at Ella’s school. But I could tell by his expression he didn’t believe he had done all he could. Maybe he was like us, too, somehow, in the abandonment complex department.
Guilt hit me hard. I had run away, too, to culinary classes in another town, to a life hours away. What had happened between the three of us had broken me, and when Jack began falling apart, too, it had been too much.
“I’m sorry,” I said. But I said it to Jack.
He nuzzled me, and I thought it was so I wouldn’t see the pain on his face. “We did the best we could. We all did.”
“What about now?” I asked, and at the words, Jack’s body went still. “Ella, you’re grown. And so are we. Don’t marry that guy. Call it off and come home with us.”
With each second of her hesitation, my heart felt like getting punched on a bruise.
“You’re still choosing them over us?” I sat up, shocked with disbelief. Two hours and an orgasm later, I had completely fallen for Ella Stewart’s bullshit again.
“No, it’s not that. But—”
Gracelessly, I tried to haul myself out of the bed. The tangle of limbs made it hard. Jack clutched at my wrist, trying to keep me there, but I evaded.
“The wedding invitations have already gone out!” Ella sounded bewildered. “I can’t embarrass Charlie in front of his family and friends. And what about Rolling Green? I can’t cancel now. That’s my parents’ livelihood. Everything’s paid for.”
She’d said the safe word.
”We”re done here.” I stood, snatching my panties off the floor
“Hailey, we can still see each other. Charlie agreed to an open marriage. He has a girlfriend—”
“Maybe you can fuck them, then.” I yanked my pants up so fast the zipper raked across my thigh. “Isn’t that exactly how you like it—turning out the girl who has a crush on your boyfriend?”
She gasped. Good.
“Wait, Hails,” Jack pleaded. That fucker was still on the bed with her, a heartbroken little boy with his first love.
“Tell her what happened to you,” I dared him. “Ella told her sob story. You tell her how I was afraid you were going to die.”
I sucked in air, too, regretting the word. We had never spoken about how bad it had been with him. And of course, at this moment, I had to take some responsibility for that. I had left him just as Ella had. Maybe I was worse. I’d known it was bad with him. Ella didn’t...because she had dropped off the face of the earth.
You only had to see Jack’s face to know what I’d said was true. Ella’s crumpled, but still she pleaded, “Look, we can still be together. I love you. I just—”
“Have to get married first?” I shot back.
Where was my purse? A stream of curses rolled through my head as I searched, wishing for once I could make a glamorous exit.
“Yes!” Ella said. “Yes, I still have responsibilities. Maybe you don’t understand that, but my dad’s sick, and Rolling Green needs the publicity, and I can’t just dump Charlie like—”
“You said the safe word.” Aha, my purse. Fricking finally.
“That was the safe word for me!” Ella yelled, indignant. “Not to give you an excuse to leave!”
“That’s not how safe words work!” I screamed.
Someone in another room pounded on the wall. Great. We were probably going to get a visit from hotel security. Ella would probably hide in the closet rather than get caught with us. How appropriate.
I wanted to leave on a scalding condemnation, something that would cut her to the bone, the same way I felt. Believe me, I’d had five years to practice, to make up witty one-liners like a superhero, ones perfect for ending a villain like her.
But she wasn’t a villain. She was Ella. In bed with Jack, as I’d dreamed about for so long. She would be in bed with me, too, if I wasn’t about to flounce out the door. My chin quivered. I was ruining this.
It’s already ruined. She’s marrying Charlie.
That broke me, and I sobbed. “I loved you!”
Ella tried to get up, to stop me, or maybe to hold me, but my luck in this arena finally paid off one small dividend—she was still tied to the bed. I swung the door open and ran out.
* * *
Jack
When Hailey was gone, Ella fell into my arms and sobbed like her heart was broken. I brushed her hair back, rocking her. I couldn’t take sides—both of them had their reasons for how they’d acted. They were both complicated but also both good people.
“It’s just timing,” I murmured in her ear, rocking her. “We just found each other too soon, and now we’ve got to wait a while, grow into a place where we can all be together again. But we can wait. I’ll wait for you.”
“Is what Hailey said true? Were you in a bad place and I...”
My cheeks burn, but I keep my voice light and Ella can’t see my face. “I had some growing up to do, too, as it turns out. I did it.”
“Do you think I’m just marrying Charlie to hide from who I really am?”
Of course I did. But I wasn’t here to hurt Ella any more than she was already hurting, so I said, “What would happen if you owned Rolling Green?”
Her sniffles slowed, walls going up in all the familiar ways—how she held herself against me, the tone of her voice.
“I think that’s the plan. Eventually, anyway. Maybe sooner than later, if I’m honest. Jack, Dad isn’t doing great. The club either. Some of that is because of Dad’s health, but Rolling Green’s reputation took damage because of what I did. Mom said it never recovered financially.”
Ella sat back, wiping away her tears. “I hurt everyone, and despite that, they still took care of me financially. You don’t understand—my dad wouldn’t even speak to his gay brother, but he is trying so hard to reestablish a relationship with me. I need to make amends. I hope you and Hailey can—”
“Maybe Rolling Green and your dad aren’t doing well because of what he did to you, not because of what you did to him.”
Her body stiffened as if the idea shocked her, then relaxed again, sighing. I hated that her family had manipulated her, made her feel as though the whole family’s happiness rested on her shoulders. They had crushed her into the box of who they wanted her to be.
“Charlie’s already talking about buying the club from my parents, then using it as collateral to expand his family’s resorts in Florida. I think his big plan is to use Rolling Green to finance our lives out there. Maybe we’ll sell it eventually, after the loan is done. I don’t know. I loved that place as a kid, you know? Some of my best memories are there. But now it feels like it’s connected to such a bad time in my life. Dad’s not doing so great healthwise. Maybe it’s better if it goes out of the family.”
“I would buy it for you,” I said. “If you’d marry us instead.”
She laughed as though this was a childish fantasy: if she would run away with me, I could make her the princess of the land whence she came.
“We could make it good again,” I said, desperate to have her take me seriously. “Like how it was before. You could lie out at the pool all summer. We could bump Ron up to management inside, and I could take over the pool and grounds.”
She snickered. “Only if you wear the lifeguard swimsuit and walk around in flip-flops.”
“And we could throw parties, invite all our friends from school.” Even the ones that went away to college have graduated now. A lot of them lived in town. When I came back to visit my mom and stepdad, I always saw a few familiar faces at the grocery store or downtown shopping. “Not like the people your dad lets in. People who know us.”
“Come to bed. Hold me.”
“Answer me first,” I coax.
“Yes. Of course. In a world where somehow my dad was willing to sell you Rolling Green, and the three of us could all make a living with it, and I didn’t have to hurt Charlie, and Hailey didn’t think I was a total coward, of course I would marry you. But for now, I’d be willing to settle for you being the open in my open marriage. Are you willing to do that?”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. Knowing she’d go home to another man, have his children, go out to dinner with him, and have everyone believe they were a couple?
“I don’t want to share you with him,” I said. But since she had agreed to my offer, I agreed to hers. “But I’ll take any part of you I can get.”
“Then come to bed.”
* * *
Ella
When I hauled my bedraggledbutt home at dawn the next day, I hesitated at the entrance of our apartment. The complex felt deserted this early on a Saturday morning, the pinkish glow of predawn light hinted at summer, the temperature already balmy, the dewy grass fragrant with growth. In a few days, it would officially be June.
My lips were swollen with kisses from not just another man, but my throuple, the romance of my life. I hadn’t showered before I’d left the hotel room, Jack lightly snoring among the pillows. I didn’t want to wash away the evidence of them...even if Charlie smelled it on my skin. I wanted to be marked. Jack was right; I belonged with them. To them. But when I opened this door, I would walk right into the end of my relationship with Charlie.
I imagined his red and worried expression, holding the phone as I walked in, perhaps on the line with a local hospital, maybe even the police. Where were you all night? he would demand. Why didn’t you text? I thought you were dead!
I slid my key in the lock, bracing for Charlie to rush over and hug me, to tell me he was not OK with an open marriage. When I told him where I’d been, he would cry and promise to leave Mary if I left Jack and Hailey. It could have played out in my imagination like a romantic fantasy.
But all I felt was dread. I wanted out. Jack and Hailey were right; I wasn’t a kid anymore. I could survive my parents cutting me out of their lives, but I didn’t want to live without genuine love in my life. I couldn’t stay in this sham relationship for my family, and Charlie was better off with someone who wanted him.
But when I opened the door, the apartment was empty.
There was a note on the counter in Charlie’s chicken-scratch handwriting. He’d gone to console Mary. “Whatever I’d said” had left her upset. I heaved a huge, exhausted sigh and took out my phone, adrenaline fading.
“Charlie, come home. We need to talk,” I said when he picked up.
“What time is it?” he grumbled.
“Time for you to get out of Mary’s bed and help me cancel our wedding.”
In my defense, I didn’t mean it as a threat. I was exhausted, and I was unhappy about what we had to do. But I was also filled with relief so strong it felt like a drug.
“Hold on,” Charlie said so softly I suspected Mary must be sleeping right next to him.
In fact, it was easy to imagine because I’d seen him cup the phone to his ear, throw on his comfy robe, and hurry out to the balcony to speak privately when he and I had been in bed.
“Ella...just calm down,” he said into the phone, apparently mistaking my laughter for impending hysteria.
“You calm down,” I snapped. “I’m at the apartment. Bring breakfast.”
He arrived forty minutes later with fast-food takeaway.
“There was nothing else open this early,” he complained.
“Hash browns?” I asked hopefully.
“What Princess wants...” He upended the bag and two sandwiches and two hash browns slid out onto the kitchen counter. He handed me a coffee from the two he had in a container.
“Uh, I love you,” I said automatically, taking the drink and sipping it. Cream, no sugar. Perfect.
We both froze.
“Well, of all the things I imagined you’d say when I walked in, that wasn’t on the bingo card.” He took my hand. “Ella, I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am. I went there meaning to say goodbye, and—”
“It’s OK. Charlie, I was out last night too.”
“—then she told me about the invitation...wait, what?” He did a double take. “Ella, you’re not serious.”
“As a heart attack.” I took a bite of hash brown.
The color drained from Charlie’s face. “With someone you met at a club? In front of all our friends?”
First off, they were my friends. Charlie referred to them as the girls, and I imagined he’d be hard-pressed to name a single one. Still, I could tell he was mortified to imagine they knew I’d been with someone else. Since my primary concern was negotiating a peaceful end to our engagement, I was willing to assuage his fears.
“No, Charlie. An old boyfriend...and...” I swallowed. Guess if I was going to live this life, I’d better start practicing. “An old girlfriend.”
Charlie literally gasped. “What?”
The last time I had said such a thing out loud, I had lost my family. My muscles went tense, and a clammy sweat broke out over my upper lip. But also? This tingling, happy feeling I hadn’t had in so long I’d forgotten it existed rose inside me. I thought it was...joy. Small and flickering and easily crushed but still lighting me up, giving me hope.
“I thought your open marriage comment was just to hurt me,” Charlie mumbled sourly. And then, seeming curious despite himself, “Two? Really?”
I nodded.
“Would you...uh, if Mary was open to it—” He raised an eyebrow.
“Nope.” I sipped coffee.
“OK. OK. Yeah. No. That’s fair.” He studied the breakfast sandwiches on the counter, then rubbed sleep from the corner of his eye. I had this surge of affection for him. I mean, he was a good partner in so many ways. We had tons in common, and I hoped we’d end up great friends when this was past.
“So you really don’t mind if Mary and I keep seeing each other?” he asked a little sheepishly.
“Nope, because Charlie—”
He laughed. “This could actually be great. You get what you want, I get what I want. It’s perfect.” He smiled, eyes all dewy with happiness. “Ella, I’m so lucky to have found you. I never thought I could have everything I wanted in a wife—”
“Charlie, I think we should stay the best of friends, but—”
“No, Ella. We have to get married. The invites are out. Everyone knows. Your mother, you know how much work she’s put into this. And what about the presents? We would have to return all the presents.”
I laughed. He wasn’t serious? “We can’t get married over presents! They’ll go back, Charlie.” At his wounded expression, I added playfully, “How about this. I will buy you a broken-engagement present. Something nice. That juicer you had your eye on?”
“Ella, be serious. We are getting married. You know my plans—our plans,” he corrected quickly. “To expand Sticht Resort holdings in Florida. I need Rolling Green to leverage the other properties.”
“Talk to my dad. He adores you. If he was going to sell to us anyway—”
“Your Dad loves you, Ella,” he snapped. Taking a more temperate tone, he added, “I don’t know if I can afford to take on Rolling Green outright. But even if I can’t swing it entirely, your dad will let us leverage Rolling Green when the time comes. I’ll have him convinced of it in two years. With a grandbaby on the way by then, and knowing we’re committed to taking over Rolling Green when he retires, he’ll see it my way.”
Charlie was marrying me for financial gain. I guess I’d always known it, but hearing it so plainly stung. But how could I be mad at him? I’d planned to marry Charlie for social gains.
I shook my head, aiming for delicate. “Charlie, I don’t want to be with you intimately. I want to be with them. And I’m sure Mary doesn’t want to share you.”
“Why not?” Charlie sneered, ugly. “Your couple shares you.”
I pulled back, appalled. Immediately his face changed back to pleading and harmless. “Come on, Ella. You know I need a Charlie IV, a Sticht baby to carry on the tradition. One who will inherit not just your family’s money but mine when the time comes. I’m not saying we have to have a fulfilling, three-times-a-week sex life, but we will need to make a baby.”
My stomach curdled. But of course, Charlie had been upfront with this request from the start. He wasn’t changing the agreement; it was just not what I wanted anymore.
“Charlie, I think we should part as friends.”
“No!” He grabbed an uneaten breakfast sandwich and hurled it across the kitchen.
I shrunk back. He’d never done anything like that before. But again, as soon as he gauged my reaction, Charlie rearranged his face into a pleading expression.
“Ella, like I said, I need Rolling Green as part of my ten-year plan to expand. I need you, and you need me. Now, I’ve agreed that you can see whomever you like if I can see whomever I like. I’ve been very reasonable. But everyone is counting on us. This is a dynasty we are creating.”
I resisted the urge to retort that Sticht might be a name-brand resort, but they were hardly the Hiltons...but only, I realized belatedly, because I was a little frightened of him when he was like this.
“If you need a reason to stay in this relationship,” Charlie said in a controlled way, “I can give you a good one: I will tell everyone the reason you left me was that you started up a bisexual polyamorous relationship and cheated on me. I will put it all over social media. I will leak it to the local press. And I’ll make sure every time there’s a post about your love life, the words Rolling Green will be right next to your name. People will talk about membership at your club the way they talk about contracting herpes.”
He wasn’t just talking about hurting my parents and Rolling Green. Every time someone looked up my name, they would see every lurid accusation. Who would hire me? I couldn’t even sue Charlie for defamation since what he’d said was true.
“Charlie, please.” I didn’t know what else to ask, just that I was begging.
Sensing he’d won, he came around the kitchen bar and hugged me. My arms hung limply at my sides. “Ella, this is really for your own good. It’s good for everyone. You’ll see. It’s going to be perfect. We’re going to be exactly like you said: the best of friends and business partners. You’ll have your fun and I’ll have mine, and I promise, we only have to be together when you want to be...and, of course, until you get pregnant.”
I could feel my girl parts shrinking back into my body I was so displeased by this idea.
“You need me, and I need you. Ella, if you trust me on that, we can have a good life together. Now,” he pulled back enough to look me in the eye, “Ella, will you marry me?”