The Amendment (Arrangement #2)

Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO

PETER

TWO MONTHS EARLIER

I stared at my wife across the kitchen table, the note I’d found in my bag lying between us.

It felt right somehow, that this was where it would end for us. Since this was where it had all begun just months before. When we’d agreed to the arrangement.

When I had no idea what I was agreeing to.

“How long have you known?” I asked, running a hand through my hair. I needed to do damage control, but I had no idea how to. How much did she know? Was there any use trying to lie or cover it up?

“How long has it been going on?” she retorted.

“Ainsley, this isn’t some game. What you’ve done—”

Her jaw dropped open. “What I’ve done? Oh, that’s rich coming from you. All I’ve done is clean up your mess again and again.” She pounded her fist on the table. “And, frankly, I’m tired of it.”

“So, what are you saying? Are you going to turn me in?” My blood ran cold at the thought. She was manipulative, but she wasn’t evil…was she? I couldn’t believe she’d actually go to the police.

She scoffed. “And let our children find out what you’ve done? Our community?” I watched as her hands folded in front of her carefully, her long, thin fingers gracefully intertwined. “No, I won’t be doing that. Besides, from here on out, there will be nothing to tell me that I won’t already know.”

“Meaning what?”

“Why were you going into the bag, Peter? What did you do now?”

My stomach clenched. “I— nothing. ”

“You only go into that room, into that bag, when you’ve hurt someone new. So, who was she? How far did you go?”

She was asking me about the darkest moments of my life so blatantly. It was painful and surreal, knowing the thing I’d tried to keep hidden for so long—the thing I’d thought I had kept hidden—wasn’t hidden at all. But rather, she’d known all along.

I should’ve known. Ainsley was always one step ahead of me.

She always knew.

Always.

“Ainsley, please, I didn’t… I didn’t do anything. I won’t. I don’t know what you think you—” I was breathless, unable to meet her eye. Illiana’s pearl bracelet still rested in my pocket.

“I can find out, you know. But it’s better if you tell me.”

I wanted to ask how she could find out, but in truth, it didn’t matter. She wasn’t bluffing, and we both knew it. “I’m not the same man I was.”

“You’re a killer, Peter.” She spat it out, finally laying the truth on the table. “A rapist. A liar. A monster. You hurt people. You’ve hurt me.”

I rested my face in my palms, tears stinging my eyes. “I don’t mean to do it.”

“Which part?”

“Any of it!”

She shoved back from the table, stalking across the room toward the pitcher of lemonade she’d made just hours before. She pulled a bottle of vodka from the shelf above the refrigerator and added it to her drink. “It’s not like you tripped and fell into it. Like they had a job fair and you didn’t know what you were signing up for. You can never take responsibility for anything, can you?”

“You don’t understand—”

“No, here’s what I understand: you meant to do it. You always mean to do it. The first time I caught you was when Maisy was a baby.”

“What?” It wasn’t possible. How could she have looked me in the eyes all this time, knowing what she knew?

“You were supposed to be going out with Seth for the night, but when I called over to see if Glennon wanted to visit, she said she was watching some new documentary with Seth . I knew you’d lied. So, the next time you said you were going out, I followed you.” She made her way back to the table and took a seat, and I wondered if my face looked as pale as it felt. I was sure I was going to pass out.

“I thought you were having an affair. I watched you hitting on a woman in a bar. Here I was, still recovering from childbirth, and you were out on a date. But, just before I started to confront you, I watched you slip something in her drink.” She sprinkled her fingers over her own drink, acting out my motions.

Maybe I wouldn’t pass out, but I was certain I was going to be sick.

“Ainsley, I—” She waited, staring at me suspiciously, but we both knew there was nothing I could say that would make this better. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“I felt you pulling away from me back then. I knew something wasn’t right. But I never thought… I never dreamed you could be…” She couldn’t bring herself to say it again. Lifting the glass to her lips, she took another sip. “By the time I saw you for who you were, it was too late. I had three babies with you. We had a life. A home. Friends. I couldn’t just throw that all away. I thought if I did more, if I tried harder, that you would realize what you had. But you never did. Sometimes we’d go months, years even, when things felt okay. But then, you’d start sneaking around again, start spacing out, lying. No matter what I did, it was never enough to bring you back to me.”

“This has nothing to do with you. Do you hear me? It’s not you. It’s me.” I smacked a fist into my chest. “I’m broken, Ainsley. I can’t explain it. I can’t… It doesn’t make sense. Not even to me. I love you. I love our kids. I don’t want to be this person.” I reached across the table, touching her hand gently, but she pulled it back.

“But you are this person, Peter. At least, half of you is. And, try as I might, I can’t figure out how to hang on to just the half of you that doesn’t hurt people—myself included. ”

My mouth was too dry. I licked my lips, trying to think. Trying to come up with something—anything—to say to make this better. “Look, I can’t take back what I’ve done, but I can stop. I promise you I can. I haven’t hurt anyone in more than a year.”

“You’re still lying to me,” she said pointedly.

“What are you talking about? I’m not!”

“Then why were you in the room?”

“I…” I could try to lie, I knew. But what if she found out? Now was my chance to come clean about it all. To lay myself bare and let her decide if she could handle the real me.

A fleeting thought crossed my mind: what if she couldn’t?

What if she couldn’t handle who I was?

Would I have to…

No, the thought was impossible. I’d sooner turn myself in than ever harm Ainsley. I loved her too much.

“I can just go in there and look, you know. You thought you were so clever having that room built, didn’t you? Did you really think I wouldn’t find out why you were spending so much time in the garage? You’re not exactly a handyman, Peter. Eventually, you had to know I’d wonder why you were sneaking out in the middle of the night. And the code, the pattern for the kids’ birthdays, was easy enough to guess.” She tutted. “You’re predictable, Peter, even when you shock me.”

She’d find nothing if she went and looked, so I was tempted to invite her to do so. The bracelet remained safely with me, and there was nothing else to clue her in about Illiana, but part of me wanted to admit the truth. She knew just about everything, yet she was still here.

“Are you planning to leave me?” I asked, swiping my sweaty palms across my pants. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to hear her answer over the sound of my racing heart. I wasn’t sure I wanted to.

“You should know by now that’s not an option,” she replied. “We’re in this together. You and me. But you promised no more secrets, and you broke that promise. So—” She looked away, shaking her head. “I’m not sure what to do with you.”

“I want to be honest with you, Ainsley, I do. I just hate myself. I don’t know how you can look at me, knowing what I’ve done. What I’ve—”

She slammed her palm down on the table, startling me. “The pity party is officially over. I saved you, Peter. I sent the cops on Stefan’s trail. I gave them all the evidence they’d need to fill in the blanks for him being the serial killer. I saved you. I own you. But you will not lie to me. Whatever you’ve got going on—however dark—as long as you’re honest with me, I promise you we can get through it. But you have to tell me the truth. About everything. The kids are gone for the night; this is our chance to lay it all out once and for all.”

“What do you want to know?”

“Everything. How it started. Why you went into that room tonight. Who else knows about this.”

I nodded, my hands trembling. “Okay, fine.”

“Start talking.”

“I, um…” I ran a hand through my hair, trying to think. “Well, it started in college. When my parents got divorced. It ’s not an excuse, but…I was in a dark place. There was this guy—my roommate. It was just something he did. It wasn’t… I mean, I never started out planning to hurt anyone, you know? I needed to let off steam, and it just happened.” Her face was still and solemn as she waited for me to continue. “I needed to feel in control of something. And, I did. I didn’t…it was never about the women. It was always about me. And then…then I met you.”

Her head tilted to the side as if something had just occurred to her. “Wait, was I supposed to be one of your victims?”

A lump formed in my throat as I recalled the night I met her. The drugs in my pocket, just waiting to be used. But something about her had stopped me. She was bossy, hard to please. She didn’t laugh at all my jokes like the others had, didn’t hang all over me as we danced. In fact, she’d ignored me most of the night, if memory served. I liked that. Craved it. In some sick way, I wanted someone who’d make me work to please them. Someone who could point me in a direction—any direction—when I felt so utterly lost and alone.

“Peter,” she snapped, still waiting for an answer.

“Sorry. You were…yes.” Honesty was harder than I’d expected. If this was a surprise, she didn’t react. “But I couldn’t go through with it. I fell for you so fast, Ains. I loved you that night, I’ve told you that. And I stopped. From the moment we met, I never hurt anyone else. You were all I needed.”

She pursed her lips. “Until I stopped being enough.”

“I’ve told you, it had nothing to do with you.” She looked unconvinced, so I went on. “It was me. This brokenness inside me. I’d kept it at bay for so long, but I couldn’t do it any longer. The first time was this one night…after one of our biggest fights.” I tried to bring back the memory I’d spent so long trying to repress. “It was when Lae Haer was struggling financially. Before we brought Beckman in, before his investment. We’d been fighting and drinking, and I felt like everything was all my fault. Like I couldn’t do anything right. I couldn’t provide for you. I couldn’t take care of you and the kids.”

“I remember that fight,” she said softly, staring off into space. “You were gone for the night. You said you’d slept at the office.”

One of my many lies.

“Yeah. I just couldn’t believe I’d let myself slip. Of all the things I’d done, I’d never cheated on you before. You’d kept me sober. Because this is an addiction, Ainsley. It’s the only way I know how to describe it. The pull…the need to do it, it’s unlike anything I could try to explain. I’d been clean for all those years, but I slipped. I was like an addict, going back to the thing that always managed to make me feel…good, numb, I don’t know. It made me feel something when nothing else would. And then I found myself slipping more and more. No matter how hard I tried to stop, no matter how badly I wanted to tell you the truth, I couldn’t. I couldn’t be honest, because I thought I’d lose you. I deserve to lose you.” My voice cracked as I said it, but it was the truth. What I couldn’t understand was why she was still there in the first place.

“But if you weren’t killing people when we got married and built the house, why did you have the room built in the first place?” she asked, her eyes inquisitive rather than judging.

Why was she so perfect?

“I don’t know.” I looked away, toward the dark window. If someone were to look in at us, we’d look like an average couple having a boring conversation over a mostly empty dinner table. It amazed me the secrets you could hide by appearing average. “I guess it was just sort of a backup plan. Just in case.” I wasn’t sure if she believed me, despite it being the truth, so I added, “Look, I’m very clear about who I am. No matter how badly I want to be better for you. I’ve always known deep down that I’m not a good guy. I knew if I ever relapsed, I’d need a place to hide the bodies. I hoped I’d never have to use it, but I needed somewhere to go, just in case.”

“Creating a plan B was your problem, Peter. Somehow, creating a plan B always makes certain that we’ll need to use it.”

“I realize that now.”

“So why did you go in the room tonight? I’m giving you one chance to tell me the truth.” As if to prove her point, she took another sip of her drink and placed her hand on the edge of the table, ready to stand.

“Illiana,” I blurted out. Shoving my hand in my pocket, I produced her bracelet. “I took care of her.”

She stared at the bracelet with an expression I couldn’t read. Was it horror or pride? “You…”

“I didn’t rape her.” I scowled. “I killed her. I didn’t have a choice. She put us all in danger. She had to go.”

Slowly, her eyes lifted to meet mine. “What did you do with her body? ”

“She’s with him,” I said simply. “It’s all taken care of.”

I saw a flicker of something in her expression. Something warm. Appreciative. I’d done the right thing, even if it was awful. “And that’s hers?”

“I was going to put it in the bag.”

“Why the souvenirs?” she asked.

“I don’t know.” My shoulders dropped. “I wish I did. It’s like…sometimes, after it happens, I can’t remember if it was real or if it was all a dream. Collecting something from them…it keeps me planted in reality. It reminds me they were real.”

She looked away, and I wondered if I’d crossed a line. Any semblance of warmth that had been present moments ago was now gone.

“I’m done with all of that, though. I promise you I am. Now that you know, now that I can talk to you, you can help me.”

“But will I ever be enough for you, Peter? Even when you weren’t killing… What about Seth? How many others have there been that were just affairs? In some sick way, I can almost look past the murders. But the affairs are different. They’re personal.”

Seth.

I grimaced, looking down. “It’s not like that.”

“You said it was different with him. Was he the only one?”

“Yes,” I blurted out. “Look, Seth never knew the extent of what I’ve done. He… He caught me out with a woman. Once. I was terrified he was going to tell Glennon. And I knew then it would only be a matter of time before it got back to you. So, I tried to buy myself time by telling him that we’d had a rocky few months. That’s when he told me the truth about his marriage to Glennon. I knew the only way to keep him quiet, to be sure that he wouldn’t tell Glennon, or you, was to start seeing him. To convince him that I was falling for him.”

“So it was all a lie? You didn’t have feelings for him?”

“Never more than just as a friend. I thought I was doing what I needed to in order to keep you safe and happy. I convinced him I was confused… He was trying to help me figure out my sexuality. With his shitbag parents, he understood that more than most. Eventually, I was going to tell him that I wanted to stay with you. But Glennon caught us together before I had the chance. She was supposed to be gone for a weekend, but she came home early. That’s when she gave me the ultimatum to tell you, or she would. And…well, you know the rest.”

She nodded, but she still wasn’t looking at me. “You really hurt Seth. And me. And Glennon.”

“I know that,” I admitted, reaching for her hand again. To my surprise, she didn’t pull it away. “But it was all to save our marriage. You may not see it that way, but it was always to protect you from who I was. Because despite everything, I’m crazy about you, Ainsley. I want to be with you. I want to be everything you deserve. Maybe I went about it the wrong way, but it’s always been with earnest intentions.”

Her gaze flicked to me finally, and I saw a hint of tears in her eyes.

“Please don’t cry…”

She dusted her cheeks quickly, drawing her lips inward with a sniff. “I’m just processing. ”

“None of this is your fault—”

“I know that,” she cut me off.

“And I want to get better—”

“You will.” She was certain, and for that, I was grateful. “I’m going to help you, Peter. I thought I was helping you with the arrangement. I thought it would give you the freedom you needed, while also giving you a chance to come clean about everything. But it didn’t work. Not completely. In the end, after every chance I gave you, I still had to tell you I knew the truth. But now, now that it’s all out there, we can move forward. I can fix this. Us.”

As much as I wanted her to fix it, I couldn’t help thinking about the last time she’d had to fix something for me.

That particular fix was still decaying under the freshly poured patio.

“I’ll do anything you want,” I heard myself saying. “I just don’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t.” She slid her hand away from mine. “It’s all going to be okay.”

The woman I knew was back. The one I’d fallen in love with. The nonsense and pain had fallen away, and the cool, collected version of her had returned. I had no doubt that if anyone could fix me, it was Ainsley.

“We just need to change up the rules a bit,” she said, a small smile on her lips.

“What do you mean?”

“Give me a bit to think on it.” She pushed away from the table. “I’m going to take a shower. Take care of the bracelet while I’m gone.”

I stared at the bracelet—lying there, taunting me—and swallowed. Before she’d departed the room, she turned to face me one last time.

“Oh, and Peter?”

“Yeah?”

“Are there any other secrets you need to tell me? Anything I should know?”

My response was instant. A vow. A lie. “No. You know everything.”

Her lips upturned into what should’ve been a smile, but looked cruel instead. “Good,” she purred. “Because if you ever lie to me again, the next body in our freezer will be yours.”