Chapter 30

CHAPTER THIRTY

PHIL COLLINS, “IN THE AIR TONIGHT”

Eve

After what I fondly dubbed “the best beer and a half of my life,” I accepted Kyle’s suggestion to sleep at home because I wanted to take Grandma Bonnie breakfast, and she was an early riser. Just as I took the apple strudel out of the oven to cool a few minutes before seven, my mom pulled up to shit on my day.

“I’m glad you came home last night,” she said, tightening her robe’s sash.

“Yeah, well, I didn’t want to wake Josh or Kyle by leaving their house this morning.” I pulled the hot pads off my hands and shut off the oven.

“There’s been some chattering around town, specifically among our church family.”

“About?” I poured myself a glass of orange juice while I waited for the strudel to cool.

Mom filled the coffee pot with water. “It’s silly, really. But we can’t have people jumping to conclusions no matter how ridiculous they are.”

“Jumping to conclusions about what?”

“You and Kyle.” She rolled her eyes and measured the coffee grounds.

I paused my juice glass an inch from my lips. “Me and Kyle?”

“I know. I know. It’s so disappointing that people’s minds jump to such impure and, frankly, offensive ideas. You’re helping Kyle and Josh out. You’ve been so amazing. And we couldn’t be more proud of you.” She waved her hand in the air. “Sure, there was the mishap last night, but your dad thinks Arnold Wells will fix it in exchange for a couple of your pies. My point is, as nonsensical as the rumors are, your dad and I have decided you need to sleep at home, and if there’s a concern about Josh needing help, then he can sleep here in Sarah’s room until Kyle’s arm is better.”

“Um …” I cleared my throat, “what specifically are they saying?”

“He’s not married, and you’re a beautiful young woman. They don’t see you two as family the way we do. But your father is the pastor, so appearances matter.”

“And yet, you still wear reinforced pantyhose with open-toed shoes.”

“Stop it, Eve.” She laughed. “I’m not talking about that kind of appearance.”

I tore off a piece of foil to cover the strudel. “Well, the rumors are correct. Kyle and I are having hot sex, a torrid, scandalous affair. We can’t keep our hands off each other. I’ve never felt more like a woman than I do with him.” I shot her a toothy grin.

Mom rolled her eyes. “Can you be serious for two seconds?”

“I am being serious. Do you have any idea how good it feels to get this off my chest?” I dramatically placed my hand over my heart and sighed.

“Eve Marie Jacobson, don’t even joke about something like that. You know how hard it was on me when your father found out about Sarah’s secret relationship. I cried myself to sleep for weeks. Your dad and I were at each other's throats. I didn’t know if we’d survive it. So before you do something stupid like that, let me know. I’ll slit my wrists or drive my car off a bridge first, so I don’t have to deal with the fallout again.”

I kept it together on the outside but fell apart on the inside. I opened my mouth to remind her that suicide was a sin but quickly clamped my jaw shut. When my father kicked Sarah out of the house, I spent most evenings drinking by the creek or locked in my room. It was the best way to drown out my parents fighting. And they never fought in the house (with my sisters and I in earshot) until the Sarah incident.

I laughed nervously. “You wouldn’t really take your own life, would you?”

She sipped her coffee. “I pray not. But nobody thought Debbie Rice would take her life when she found out about her husband’s affair.” She slowly shook her head. “We’re all human. We’re all sinners. And sometimes life feels unbearable no matter how many prayers one says.” She gave me a sad smile. “I never imagined feeling like I did after your dad made Sarah leave. Maybe God gave me that trial so I would have greater compassion for others.”

“You know Sarah is happy now. And Dad has forgiven her. Maybe God gave him that experience to have more compassion for his other two daughters.”

She took another sip before nodding. “Hmm … perhaps. Your father is a Godly man. Loving and forgiving. But he’s also a father with raw emotions. So let’s just play it safe and not test him like Sarah did.” She set her mug on the counter. “Anyway, I’m glad you came home last night. If anyone says something, I’ll make sure they know you’re not staying at Kyle’s place anymore because he doesn’t need you during the night.”

I offered a reluctant smile and a tiny nod.

“Have you ever thought about taking your own life?” I asked Grandma Bonnie as she ate her apple strudel while I wound the yarn from the partially crocheted scarf that she decided to abandon.

She stopped eating mid-chew. “Eve,” she mumbled before swallowing. “What is going on?”

I shook my head. “I’m not suicidal.”

“But you know someone who is?”

“No. Well, it was something Mom said this morning. She made me think that if I made Dad upset in the way Sarah did, she’d slit her wrists or drive off a bridge. At first, I thought she was kidding, but I’m not so sure.”

Grandma frowned. “She’s taken the role of wife too far. The ‘love, honor, and obey’ is too much. She feels responsible for your father’s success and happiness—and you girls’ too. When Sarah fell in love, your mom felt it was her fault that Sarah didn’t choose a man your father approved of. She takes the blame for everything that’s perceived as wrong. But she never takes credit for your successes. Being a wife and mother is a hard balance between unimaginable joy and complete insanity. You get stretched so thin some days, it feels like there’s nothing left to hold yourself together. But that’s not your problem. I’ll talk with her.”

“Don’t tell her I said anything.”

“I won’t. I’ll just check in on her. That’s what mothers do.”

“I want to tell my parents about Kyle and me, but if Dad reacts badly, which he will, and my mom cries herself to sleep every night like she did with Sarah, and she decides to take her life …” I swallowed hard and blinked back my emotions. “It would be?—”

“Her own fault.”

I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter. I don’t want her ever to be that sad again. It’s not about blame; it’s just that I love her. And I know that—” I stopped. It was easy to forget that I was talking to my mom’s mother.

“You know what?”

I shook my head. “Nothing.”

“I love her too, dear. That’s why I’m going to talk to her. It’s not fair for her to feel responsible for anyone’s happiness but her own. And that’s what you need to remember too. Understood?”

“Yeah,” I whispered.

On my way home, I pulled into the gas station and used the phone booth to make a collect call.

Sarah accepted the charges.

“Why are you calling me collect?” She laughed.

“Because if Dad sees it on our phone bill, he’ll ask why I called you.”

“What’s going on that couldn’t wait until Thanksgiving?” she asked.

“I’m in love with a man who’s twenty-eight.”

Silence.

“Sarah?”

“Um, yeah. I’m here. That’s ten years.”

I rolled my eyes. “I’m aware.”

“Do Mom and Dad know?”

“What do you think?”

“Are you still living at home?”

“Yes,” I said.

“Then I think you haven’t told them.”

I leaned against the side of the phone booth. “Did you know Mom was so upset over Dad kicking you out that she felt suicidal?”

“What?”

“She didn’t say those exact words, but it was implied.”

“Oh my gosh,” she whispered.

“Ask me who I love.”

“Do I want to know?”

“Did Mom tell you about the new neighbor?”

“Fred’s brother?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, it’s him.”

“Nooo …”

I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Yup.”

“And he likes you?”

“He loves me.”

“Oh, Eve.”

“Don’t act like it’s okay for you to fall for someone who everyone else thinks is the wrong person, but I?—”

“Eve, I wasn’t going to say that. I just feel bad for you because it sucks to have to choose between your family and the man you love. And don’t get upset with me for asking, but are you sure it’s love? Have you done stuff with him?”

“Sex?” I chuckled because Sarah didn’t talk about sex as much as I did. “Yes. Amazing sex.”

“Are you being smart?”

“As smart as a B-average girl can be.”

“You’ve always excelled at being a smart ass, ” she said.

“We use condoms.”

“I don’t know what to tell you. There was a lot involved with Dad finding out about us, but when he finds out you’re sleeping with Fred’s brother, I think it could be worse because he’s ten years older, not six. And he has a child, right?”

“A son. Josh. He’s five. I love Josh so much.”

“Who are you?” She laughed.

“I know I’m eighteen, but since Kyle and Josh moved in, I’ve grown up a lot.”

“No longer sneaking alcohol?”

“Listen, grown-ups drink alcohol.”

“Alcoholics drink alcohol like you.”

“I’m not an alcoholic.”

“Are you sure?”

“ Anyway, as I was saying. I’m not just scared of Mom and Dad finding out because I’ll get kicked out of the house. I’m scared that Mom will get really low again, but this time what if she tries to kill herself?”

“Eve, I think you’re overreacting. Mom is not the type of person to do that.”

I frowned. It was easy for her to say. She didn’t know what I knew. I opened my mouth to tell her because I’d carried the burden alone for too long, but the words clogged in my throat.

“Eve?”

I quickly wiped my tears. “I’m here. Um, I should go so you don’t have a big phone bill.”

“It’s fine. You can call collect anytime. And I think you need to tell them. Keeping secrets is painful, and covering them up only sets you up for more trouble and more lies. Learn from my experience. Okay?”

“Yeah,” I whispered.

“Are you okay?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” I managed without my voice cracking.

“Tell everyone ‘hi’ and we’ll see them at Thanksgiving.”

I cleared my throat. “I can’t, stupid. I’m calling you collect from a phone booth so that nobody knows about our call.”

“Oh.” She giggled. “True. Sorry. See you in a few weeks then.”

“Bye.”

I wasn’t that girl. The one who carried hidden scars from my past. As I hung up the phone and opened the door, I pulled in a long breath and let it out while heading to my car and repeating it again.

I wasn’t that girl.

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