Chapter 16
Sixteen
I was so blindly angry when I went looking for Godr. I trusted him. I thought he wouldn’t betray me like my brother had. That alone was bad enough, and hurt me down to my core, but he also risked my relationship with Rath in the process. I could have hurt him. My stomach churned just at the thought of hurting Rath.
“You asshole!”
Godr looked stunned, actually stumbling back from the push. I wanted to do it again, or maybe to hit him, but I could barely see through the angry tears welling in my eyes.
“Wha–”
“You lied to me! You said you’d help me, but you lied!”
I choked on a sob, barely noticing the silence as everyone near the fighter’s fire turned to watch. All I could focus on was Godr and his betrayal.
“Finn, wait,” he started, a hesitant smile on his face. “It was just a joke–”
“It wasn’t funny! I could have hurt him! I could have hurt him and he could have left me and I’d be all alone again! I hate you! I hate you for trying to take him from me! I’ll never trust you again!”
Deep, gut wrenching sobs ripped through me, so strong I couldn’t breathe right. I sank to my knees, hugging my middle tightly. I could’ve lost him. The only person who truly cared for me. Who took me in and showed me what it meant to be cared for. To be loved. Rath was the first person ever who truly made me feel safe enough to be myself. He never judged or got angry with me if I made a mistake or if I cried on him. He just held me and kissed me until I felt better. The thought of hurting him, even by accident, tore me up inside. And after I trusted Godr, too.
Footsteps approached from behind me, and when Rath scooped me into his arms, I didn’t fight him. I sobbed into his neck, clinging to him desperately. I couldn’t lose him. I just couldn’t. I wouldn’t survive.
“Rath…” Godr croaked.
Rath didn’t say anything. He walked away without a word, bypassing his tent to bring me to the river instead. He didn’t bring us in it, he kept his promise not to bring me there unless we absolutely had to. Instead, he sat on the banks with me cradled in his lap, hugging me so tightly, I had no hopes of escaping him. Not that I wanted to. If I could, I’d crawl under his shirt and hide forever.
He waited for the sobs to stop. Waited for my tears to dry. And waited more until I could speak around the hiccuping gasps to explain myself.
“Did… Did I ever tell you how I ended up here?”
I didn’t expect him to answer. I knew I didn’t. I was ashamed of how it happened. I’d hoped I would never have to tell him.
“My father had been expecting me to find a bride. He didn't know of my interests. I never planned on telling him. It isn’t legal in my town. And it’s seen as disgraceful. I knew I wouldn’t be able to force myself to be with a woman. I thought, if I kept waiting, he’d forget about it and I could live my life alone. But the longer it took for me to find someone, the more irritated he got. I was scared he’d force the issue, and I cried about it in my room one night after he screamed at me. That’s when Fraser showed up.”
It still hurt, and it felt as though there was a ball of spikes in my throat, making each sentence painful to bear.
“He played the doting brother. We’d never been close, but not estranged either. He mostly ignored me. So I didn’t think to distrust him. He told me he wanted to help me, that he worried about me whenever father yelled, and he said if he knew what was going on, he could come up with a plan to fix things. I trusted him…” Another sob bubbled up, threatening to choke me, but I had to finish. Rath deserved to know. I was cast out by my own family. I had no home to go to besides here. I was scared it would sway his judgment of me, but after my outburst, I had no choice but to tell him.
“I told him I wasn’t interested in females. That I preferred men. I assured him I didn’t intend to act on it, I was happy to be alone with my books. He said he’d help…” Sucking in a deep breath, I continued. “H-He ended up going to my father, but not to help me. Instead, he told him everything. My father was so angry, he disowned me without giving me a chance to explain. Then he dragged me by my hair to the council estate and offered me as tribute. The whole town feels as he does. They said if I ever came back, they’d hang me. I don’t… I don’t have any family anymore.”
Hearing how Finn’s family treated him, merely because of his interest in men, sickened me. He was sweet and loyal, and he worked hard to gain people’s approval. He worked so hard to know the language and how things worked here that he could tell me his whole story without needing a translator, and it had been little over a week. To cast him out, despite all that, confused me. Who would give up someone like that?
As he explained his brother’s part in all of it, though, I slowly began to understand his reaction to Godr’s prank. He’d meant no harm in it, he wasn’t trying to be cruel. But by targeting me through Finn, he unknowingly betrayed the man who took great leaps of faith to trust him enough to speak with him like that. The logical part of me knew if Godr had been aware, he would’ve never done such a thing, but the part of me determined to protect Finn was angry. Violently so. He shouldn’t have done it in the first place. Finn was too gentle to be part of his pranks. Anyone could see that.
“Why didn’t you ask me when you had questions? Have I done something to make you not trust me?”
That would hurt me greatly. I wanted nothing more than to earn Finn’s trust and keep it. Just like his heart.
“N-No!” he practically shouted, sitting up abruptly to look at me. “No, it wasn’t like that! I just…” He looked away again, embarrassment making his shoulders creep up. “I wanted to please you. You take such good care of me, and I know there’s more we haven’t tried. I thought if I surprised you, we could–” He grimaced, hugging his arms around himself.
I fought between elation that he was so eager to please me and upset that I hadn’t shown him well enough that he pleased me just by staying by my side. I didn’t need adventurous intimacy to be pleased with him, though we would’ve gotten to that eventually. I planned on easing him into it, since I knew he was inexperienced. With the shy way he reacted to me, as well as the surprise when I tried something new, I didn’t need him to tell me straight out he was a virgin. I didn’t want to frighten him with too much, too fast.
Cupping his cheek, I stroked at the dried tear tracks on his face. I hated so much to see him cry. It wasn’t something I could avoid, he was an emotional man, but I aimed to limit it as much as I could. He deserved to be always smiling.
After everything he’d told me, I wasn’t entirely sure where to start in reassuring him. There was so much he was holding in. I chose instead to show him how I felt, just as I had in the start of our time together. I drew him closer, kissing him softly, with every ounce of love I felt for him, until I felt tears dampen his cheeks again.
“Kolrav is the term we use with the ones we want to spend our lives with. It is given only once, to our bondmate, and signifies in words that we have chosen to spend our future with the one gifted it. In your tongue, it means my love. I asked Zoya to translate it for me because I wanted to tell it to you when I asked you to bond with me in front of the clan.”
Finn’s eyes went so wide, I feared they’d fall from his face. For a moment, he was silent, but just like I expected he would, tears filled his eyes and his beautiful smile overtook his face as he leaned his forehead against mine.
“Truly?”
“Mm. I am supposed to let you get to know the other men who would claim you, but I cannot. I want you for myself. I never want to let you go.”
The tears on his cheeks now were full of joy and happiness. He nodded over and over, telling me without words how he felt about my proposal. I would need to do it properly in front of the whole clan, but perhaps this was better. After everything that happened to him, he deserved to have my full focus. And he’d have it. For the rest of our lives.