The Barren Luna
21 - Transcripts
91%
Excerpts from Dr. Vera Jackson’s transcripts
Date: February 3, 2021
Dr. Jackson: “Patient no. 49675, 25 y/o female, after years of infertility issues and failed fertility treatments, experienced repeated infidelity in her mating. In order to cope with the physical and emotional pain, the patient turned to substance abuse, which was facilitated by her mate and her doctor. Her mate abused his position to indirectly supply her with the drugs, had her subjected to unlawful imprisonment, murdered her maternal figure and made her watch, and this tragic sequence of events ultimately ended with her murdering her mate to escape being held in his home against her will.
Based on briefly meeting with her and going over her court testimony given under Alpha command, I hypothesize that the patient exhibits difficulty trusting people, hyper-vigilance, low self-esteem, and feelings of worthlessness, as well as experiences negative thoughts about herself that hold her back from fully enjoying her life.”
…
Dr. Jackson: “Did you have time to write up your therapy goals?”
Patient no. 49675: “I did. The pamphlet you gave me really helped. Here.”
Dr. Jackson: “Oh, no, I’d prefer it if you read them to me, please.”
Patient no. 49675: “Alright. I would like to stop my mind from spiraling, that’s the first one. I would also like to build trust towards my mate, to stop projecting my trauma onto him. I would like to make sure I'm never addicted to drugs again. I would like to deal with the trauma I’ve experienced in a way that allows me not to be as affected by it anymore. I would -”
Long pause.
Dr. Jackson: “Let it out, it’s okay.”
Patient no. 49675: “I would like to grieve Dorothy without feeling like I don’t have the right to. I would like to feel worthy of love, and be brave to take another chance on it. I would like to be able to set and enforce boundaries with my mate’s public office, and stop worrying about pleasing people.”
Dr. Jackson: “Those all sound like great and reasonable goals. I look forward to working on them together.”
February 13, 2021
…
Dr. Jackson: “So what I hear you saying is that you felt abandoned by your mother?”
Patient no. 49675: “That is correct. I mean, how else would you describe it?”
Dr. Jackson: “It’s your mother, Regina , only you can answer that.”
Patient no. 49675: “I know, I just – talking about her puts me on edge for several reasons.”
Dr. Jackson: “Such as?”
Patient no. 49675: “Before, whenever she’d upset me or annoy me or criticize me, I’d go to Dotty and I’d vent. And at the end of the day, I wouldn’t be too bothered by her because no matter what, I still had Dorothy. And now I don’t anymore. And for some really bizarre reason, I am really angry with my mother for it. I know it doesn’t make sense.”
Dr. Jackson: “It doesn’t have to make sense. The fact that you are experiencing the feeling in question is what matters and is all that we care about here.”
Patient no. 49675: “You’re right. So why am I angry at her for something she had nothing to do with?”
Dr. Jackson: “Care to guess?”
Patient no. 49675: “Can’t you just tell me, Doc?”
Dr. Jackson: “Come on, Regina .”
Patient no. 49675: “My mother wasn’t always there for me growing up, and she delegated much of the mothering to Dorothy. She's the reason why Dorothy was in my life. She is the reason why Dorothy was valuable enough to me to be used as a bargaining chip against me. Oh God, I’m going to be sick.”
Dr. Jackson: “I’m proud of you for putting those feelings into words. I believe now you're able to see how your process of grieving Dorothy is wrapped up in abandonment and resentment issues with your own mother. Similarly, grieving your former mate is also complicated by the fact that you were the one who ended his life, and how horrible he had been to you towards the end. In order to grieve both those wolves and thrive despite the loss, we must untangle all of these threads.”
Patient no. 49675: “I understand the need to work through my guilt about killing Henry, but please remind me again why I need to mourn him?”
Dr. Jackson: “Because Henry was not just the Henry of the last year of his life. He was also, at one point, the male you loved with your whole heart. He was also the embodiment of a concept every little shifter female dreams of, the mate. The other half of our soul, the perfect male for us. Even when they’re not, there is still that pesky idea which is sometimes harder to let go of than the actual person.”
Patient no. 49675: “I am just scared that letting myself feel any sort of gentle, loving feeling towards him will completely shatter me and make the guilt even worse.”
Dr. Jackson: “It’s going to get worse before it gets better. But it will get better. And I will be here with you through it all, okay?”
Patient no. 49675: “Okay.”
Dr. Jackson: “For next time, try to write a letter to Dorothy without apologizing or addressing any of the bad stuff. Write about happy things, happy memories, try to make her laugh, okay?”
Patient no. 49675: “That’s not going to be easy.”
Dr. Jackson: “It’s not. As you write, try to focus on the things she taught you, what you miss about her in your daily life, what you wish you could tell her, how you think she would respond, things like that.”
…
February 21, 2021
…
Dr. Jackson: “How did you feel after our last session?”
Patient no. 49675: “Awful.”
Dr. Jackson: “Worse than usual?”
Patient no. 49675: “Yeah. Writing and reading that letter to Henry was probably the most difficult and draining thing I’ve done with you so far.”
Dr. Jackson: “Do you feel it was worth the effort and the pain?”
Patient no. 49675: “Strangely, I do. Absolutely. I’ve discovered some things inside myself that I had been struggling with without even being aware of it.”
Dr. Jackson: “So what did you do to take care of yourself after that particularly draining session?”
Patient no. 49675: “Lizzie and Helen came to take me out for lunch. One of David’s friends always checks on me on the days I have therapy, they are very kind to me.”
Dr. Jackson: “Is this a new thing for you?”
Patient no. 49675: “It is. I’ve never had a group of people taking care of me in such a coordinated, generous way. It’s like finally having that village that everyone keeps talking about.”
Dr. Jackson: “You used to be Luna, I thought your pack would have rallied around you. The pack where I live now does, they love our Luna more than the Alpha, and rightfully so.”
Patient no. 49675: “That's never been my experience. Spruce Mountain, they were takers, almost all of them. I was always doing things for them and never getting anything in return. And I know this sounds mean and selfish - ”
Dr. Jackson: “Why is it mean and selfish to not want to have a unilateral, lopsided relationship with those around you?”
Patient no. 49675: “I don’t know. Feels like something you’d get called selfish for. There is this idea out there that if you’re kind and good, you need to be kind and good always, without expecting anything in return, even when other people are shitty.”
Dr. Jackson: “I would agree with the first two parts of that idea – don’t pick and choose who to be kind to and who to be mean to based on their social standing, and don’t be kind just because you want others to give you something. But if the other side is shitty, as you said so eloquently, you are completely justified in withdrawing your efforts and your kindness. This still doesn’t give you license to be mean or stoop to their level, but there is kindness, and there is stupidity. And if you ask me, it is stupid to waste your efforts in situations where it's clear they'll never be appreciated.”
Patient no. 49675: “You need to protect yourself at some point.”
Dr. Jackson: “And that’s what you were doing, with your former mate and with your former pack. Would you say you felt abandoned by the pack?”
Patient no. 49675: “Definitely. I can still remember the feeling of not belonging, of being alone, adrift at sea as I stood on the stage next to Henry and Hannah while the whole pack was cheering and applauding the information that he would be breeding her.”
Dr. Jackson: “Is this something you fear in your new mating situation?”
Patient no. 49675: “It is. In my heart I believe that the pack will always have their Alpha’s back, and if something crazy were to happen again, everyone would abandon me again.”
Dr. Jackson: “Right, I mean, your own parents did, why wouldn’t everyone else?”
Long pause.
Patient no. 49675: “Shit. That’s it, though, isn’t it? The two wolves you’d think would have your back. I mean, I could understand George, the baker from Spruce Mountain, not caring about what happens to me, but my fucking parents, who birthed me?”
Dr. Jackson: “Would you maybe agree that your true problem with abandonment and trust lies with them, and not with your new mate?”
Patient no. 49675: “Yeah, I get it, but the fact remains that David is affected by it and he will be the one paying the price, not them. I’m so sick of it. What can I do to work on that?”
Dr. Jackson: “You’re already doing a lot, and we'll do even more. The best thing you can do is recognize that their actions are not a reflection on who you are, and that their abandonment in no way means you aren't worthy of love and support. It simply means they have no emotional capacity to provide it and that is their loss.”
Patient no. 49675: “Why am I the one hurting, then?”
Dr. Jackson: “Why, indeed. There aren't enough sessions in the world to describe how deeply a pup depends on her parents for support, validation, and love. And if they fail to give it, the pup’s first thought is never there's something wrong with my parents , it is always there's something wrong with me .”
…
March 4, 2021
…
Dr. Jackson: “Have you found time to read the materials I gave you last time?”
Patient no. 49675: “I have. I understand the first three tasks, okay, accept the loss, process the grief, and adjust to a world without the deceased in it, it’s all pretty clear. But task 4 is something I struggle with when thinking about Henry. I don’t want to find an enduring connection with him in my new life, and I don’t think I should have to.”
Dr. Jackson: “No one is saying you have to.”
Patient no. 49675: “You know what I mean. Will I still be moving on in the right way if I don’t?”
Dr. Jackson: “There is no right way to move on, there is just moving on. If you can close that chapter, accept the loss, and make peace with your actions and Henry’s actions without finding that enduring connection to his memory, then good for you. Mostly, this is meant for people who lost loved ones, so they crave that connection.”
Patient no. 49675: “I know, and I do with Dorothy. But I also know I cannot pretend like what happened never happened, so maybe making a positive connection to his memory could clear some branches from my new jungle path?”
Dr. Jackson: “Maybe.”
Patient no. 49675: “It’s just so messed up. I was glad when he died, can you believe that?”
Dr. Jackson: “I can.”
Patient no. 49675: “I don’t think any other wolf would.”
Dr. Jackson: “Other wolves haven’t watched their mates waste away like mine did. Among the conflicting emotions I felt after his death, there was relief too. Relief that he wasn’t suffering anymore. But I felt horrible because of it. I thought oh, God maybe I’m relieved because I don’t have to take care of him anymore .”
Patient no. 49675: “Wow. I can’t even imagine.”
Dr. Jackson: “You keep verbally differentiating between our situations, why is that?”
Long pause.
Patient no. 49675: “Your mate loved you, and you loved him. You did what you did as a mercy, as a favor to him, out of love, to save him. To prevent further suffering.”
Dr. Jackson: “Do you believe Henry loved you?”
Patient no. 49675: “In the first two years of our mating, absolutely, no doubt about it. Later – I believe he thought he did. I didn’t feel loved, though.”
Dr. Jackson: “Did you love him?”
Patient no. 49675: “I... Similar answer, I guess. During the aggressive fertility treatments, I could feel the love weakening and more blame and bitterness creeping in, but I was hoping everything would resolve itself as soon as he accepted there would be no pups.”
Dr. Jackson: “And in the moment of the killing, did you love him then?”
Patient no. 49675: “Absolutely not.”
Dr. Jackson: “Would you say you killed him to prevent further suffering, namely, your own?”
Patient no. 49675: “Yes.”
Dr. Jackson: “And you feel that’s more selfish and somehow worse than what I did?”
Patient no. 49675: “Yes.”
Dr. Jackson: “Why? Why was it okay for you to suffer and not for my mate?”
Patient no. 49675: “I don’t know. He didn’t do anything to deserve the illness he'd gotten.”
Dr. Jackson: “And did you do anything to cause your mate to go crazy?”
Patient no. 49675: “I don’t know, sometimes I think I did. If only I had gotten pregnant earlier, none of it would have happened?”
Dr. Jackson: “If I brought you irrevocable proof that it wasn’t you who was infertile, would that change anything in your mind?”
Patient no. 49675: “I honestly don’t know. There is a saying that Dotty once told me, and it goes, a lie repeated a hundred times becomes the truth . I think that’s what happened to me. Everyone around me kept telling me it was my fault and at some point, I believed them.”
Dr. Jackson: “So, by that logic, should every sterile she-wolf’s mate go utterly insane, breed another, kill innocent pack members, and keep their mate hostage?”
Patient no. 49675: “That’s not what I said.”
Dr. Jackson: “Only your mate, then?”
Patient no. 49675: “I hate when you do that.”
Dr. Jackson: “I know.”
March 16, 2021
Dr. Jackson: “Are you still journaling regularly?”
Patient no. 49675: “Yeah, and I found some great quotes in the books you gave me.”
Dr. Jackson: “Care to share?”
Patient no. 49675: “There is one I can’t seem to get out of my head, Grief and love are forever intertwined. Grief is the terrible reminder of the depths of our love and, like love, grief is non-negotiable .”
Dr. Jackson: “Well said. Nick Cave has quite a way with words. Have you been sleeping well?”
Patient no. 49675: “Depends. Sniffing David’s things helps. Wearing his shirts does, too. But sometimes the nightmares still come.”
Dr. Jackson: “When did you last have one?”
Patient no. 49675: “Last week?”
Dr. Jackson: “One of the usual ones?”
Patient no. 49675: “No, completely new. I woke up in a house I’d never seen before. There was a lot of yellow, soft light. I started wandering around, and I heard voices, so I went towards them. I soon recognized the wolves talking, they were Elizabeth, Adeline, and John, and they were talking about me.”
Dr. Jackson: “What were they saying?”
Patient no. 49675: “Can’t you guess?”
Dr. Jackson: “I’d rather hear it from you.”
Patient no. 49675: “They were pitying David for having a damaged second-hand mate like me. They were wondering whether he’s in danger from me, since I killed the last one.”
Dr. Jackson: “Did you feel any different towards them when you woke up?”
Patient no. 49675: “For a few hours, I did. I was totally paranoid.”
Dr. Jackson: “Do you have any idea what could have caused the nightmare?”
Patient no. 49675: “One hundred percent David’s mom coming back. You remember how on edge I was that day?”
Dr. Jackson: “I do. Have you spent any more time with her?”
Patient no. 49675: “I have, a few dinners, a shopping trip. Always with others around.”
Dr. Jackson: “Is there reason why you're emphasizing that?”
Patient no. 49675: “I just... I worry that it’s all for show. The nice, kind, accepting persona. I keep waiting for her to turn into Catherine.”
Dr. Jackson: “Based on your previous mother-in-law experience, that is a logical fear to have.”
Patient no. 49675: “I know, but I’m so tired of being afraid.”
Dr. Jackson: “Sometimes the primitive response to trauma is the need to be hyper-vigilant so that it never happens again, so you never feel safe and never let yourself relax; that’s your defense mechanism kind of working against you.”
Patient no. 49675: “That's exactly how I feel. If I let my guard down for even a second, all I can think is, Remember what happened before? Don’t be stupid. It’s exhausting.”
Dr. Jackson: “How is Adeline’s relationship to Elizabeth?”
Patient no. 49675: “It’s great, but she -”
Pause.
Dr. Jackson: “She what?”
Patient no. 49675: “She has pups.”
Dr. Jackson: “Would you think less of her if she didn’t?”
Patient no. 49675: “Of course not.”
Dr. Jackson: “Would David?”
Patient no. 49675: “I don’t think he would.”
Dr. Jackson: “Why do you think that?”
Patient no. 49675: “Well, he told me once he didn’t care and sounded like he meant it. And the other day, I was talking to Elizabeth about him when we were at the park with Thomas and Jane, and she told me stories about them growing up together. While talking, we got to the topic of pups, and she told me that over the years, she’s heard him say many times how frustrated he was about not having met his mate yet, and others would tease him about being eager for an heir or pups, and she said that he’d always stress how you can have pups with anybody, but you can only have one mate. And that kind of settled in my heart nicely.”
Dr. Jackson: “That is one of the fundamental truths of our kind. Why do you think your former mate wasn’t able to see it?”
Patient no. 49675: “You wouldn’t believe how many times I’d asked myself that in the last year. The only answer I could come up with was that for him, having an heir was tied to his masculinity, his power as an Alpha, and his sense of self-worth. It had nothing to do with me or love or even wanting to be a father. ”
Dr. Jackson: “I think you are right. Would you like to have pups?”
Patient no. 49675: “I would.”
Dr. Jackson: “Do you think you want them for the right reasons?”
Patient no. 49675: “That's another thing I’ve thought about extensively. It used to be that I wanted them so that I could prove something to the pack, or Henry, or his mother. But ever since Dotty died, I’ve been feeling a void in my life, a desire to recreate that loving bond that I shared with her. I want to be what she was for me to someone. Is that a good reason to have pups?”
Dr. Jackson: “The very best.”
March 20, 2021
…
Dr. Jackson: “Now that you mentioned it, are you still satisfied with Charlie’s fitness regimen?”
Patient no. 49675: “I really am! Not only am I back to my former strength and stamina, but I am also enjoying myself.”
Dr. Jackson: “Are Mariah and Qasim still in the same group as you?”
Patient no. 49675: “They are, although I suspect they’ve stayed back solely because of me. They are both clearly on their way to military careers – Mariah is a genius when it comes to combat and strategy. Her mind, I’ve never seen anything like it. Sharp as a razor.”
Dr. Jackson: “I would like to play chess against her someday.”
Patient no. 49675: “I swear, she can predict my moves before I've even thought of them. I don’t know how she does it.”
Dr. Jackson: “Would you like to be able to do that? Predict what’s gonna happen?”
Patient no. 49675: “I hate when you pretend not to know the answer to something. Stop laughing.”
Dr. Jackson: “Very well. What about Qasim, what would you say is his superpower?”
Patient no. 49675: “His optimism. He is like a goofy, lovable younger brother who sees the best in everything.”
Dr. Jackson: “Why do you consider that a superpower?”
Patient no. 49675: “I don’t know. Maybe I just wanted to answer your question and that was the first thing that came to mind. Maybe it’s an age thing. He’s only 18 and has his whole life ahead of him.”
Dr. Jackson: “And you don’t?”
Patient no. 49675: “Not like he does.”
March 26, 2021
…
Dr. Jackson: “What on Earth did you put in that cake you brought me last time? It was mind-blowing; I’ve never felt so seduced by a cake before!”
Patient no. 49675: “I’m glad you liked it. You probably tasted the cardamom.”
Dr. Jackson: “I have no idea, I’ve always been useless in the kitchen. But based on that cake alone, I can tell you that you have chosen your calling correctly.”
Patient no. 49675: “Thank you. I do feel like it’s my calling. I used to mention it jokingly or minimize its importance to me, I even dismissed it as being nothing but a hobby, but I’m truly the happiest when I’m cooking.”
Dr. Jackson: “Have you developed any new recipes lately?”
Patient no. 49675: “I’m working on a few right now, actually. Want to be my guinea pig?”
Dr. Jackson: “Absolutely.”
…
March 30, 2021
…
Dr. Jackson: “Did you have the opportunity to practice thought-stopping a bit more since our last conversation?”
Patient no. 49675: “I did. Adeline had invited me for lunch, and while I was getting ready, I managed to work myself up into an anxious mess. I started thinking that she invited me to trap me somehow, or attack me, or accuse me of something. I even thought that she might offer me money to leave David.”
Dr. Jackson: “Those are some very creative negative thoughts.”
Patient no. 49675: “Yeah. Then I remembered what we practiced and I told myself, “Adeline has been nothing but kind to you. You have no reason to think these things about her. She's not Catherine. You have been the victim of her venom for so long but you are safe now.”
And I just kept repeating that to myself over and over until I calmed down. And we ended up having the best lunch.”
Dr. Jackson: “I’m very proud of you Regina . That's no small feat. This may be the most useful skill you’ll ever learn, but like all other skills it needs to be mastered, practiced, and perfected.”
Patient no. 49675: “Thank you for saying you’re proud of me, it means a lot.”
Dr. Jackson: “You’re welcome. I can’t wait for the day when you’ll see yourself the way I see you.”
Patient no. 49675: “David said something similar once.”
Dr. Jackson: “That's very perceptive of him. Have you given any thought to the materials we looked at last time?”
Patient no. 49675: “I have, it’s just so difficult. I’ve been working on stopping the negative thoughts, and on confronting the negative beliefs about myself that I have internalized, and yet I feel I’m no closer to fully accepting myself than I was a month ago.”
Dr. Jackson: “Like I said, you don’t view yourself realistically, but it’s okay. You’re getting there. Just keep in mind, you can’t fully accept someone else when you can’t fully accept yourself.”
Patient no. 49675: “I wrote down a new quote yesterday, “Healing is about giving yourself love that you have always deserved.” Feels like it’s appropriate for the conversation we’re having.”
Dr. Jackson: “Absolutely. Together with that love, give yourself some grace, too. So many beautiful things were taken from you in such a short period of time, of course it’s difficult sometimes to let yourself believe that things can last and be good.”
…
April 7, 2021
…
Dr. Jackson: “What I find interesting is that both of your mates have told you and showed you who they were, yet you didn’t believe either of them. Why is that, Regina ?”
Patient no. 49675: “With Henry, I was na?ve, and with David, I am traumatized.”
Dr. Jackson: “Have you learned anything new about David in his absence?”
Patient no. 49675: “I have. My favorite thing I learned is that he does a lot of good for a lot of wolves and organizations, but he prefers to keep it a secret, and not to take credit for it. Helen, on the other hand, likes to sing his praises so she tells everyone behind his back and he hates it.”
Dr. Jackson: “Why is that your favorite thing?”
Patient no. 49675: “I guess it tells me that he doesn’t do things in order to be seen or admired by others. Which, in turn, leads me to believe that if he doesn’t crave their praise, he also won't be shaken by their criticism.”
Dr. Jackson: “That is an excellent point.”
Patient no. 49675: “Can I ask you something personal, Dr. Jackson?”
Dr. Jackson: “Sure.”
Patient no. 49675: “Would you like to have a second chance mate?”
Long pause.
Patient no. 49675: “I’m sorry, I shoul-”
Dr. Jackson: “It’s fine, I was just thinking about my answer. A while ago, it would have been an unequivocal no. I don’t know what happened and when, but my answer is no longer the same.”
…
April 14, 2021
….
Patient no. 49675: “The craziest thing happened last night. I had a happy dream about Dorothy! I woke up, and I cried for like twenty minutes straight. I’ve been out of my mind the whole day.”
Dr. Jackson: “What was the dream about?”
Patient no. 49675: “We were on a beach in Wales, one we went to together when I visited her pack some ten years ago. The sound of the waves was so soothing, and my head was in her lap, and her hands were playing with my hair...”
Pause. Sobs.
Dr. Jackson: “Take your time.”
Pause.
Patient no. 49675: “It just felt so real. She did the exact same thing to my hair a million times, I guess my body remembers the exact feeling and that’s why it was able to recreate it so perfectly. Anyways, she said - ”
Pause.
Patient no. 49675: “She said that in her whole life, she only truly loved Thomas and me, and that it was a life well lived.”
Dr. Jackson: “That must have been wonderful to hear.”
Long pause.
Patient no. 49675: “It helped me decide on what kind of enduring connection I want to build to her memory. I want to work on improving others’ lives the way she improved mine. Maybe help she-wolves who want to escape violent matings.”
Dr. Jackson: “That is a noble and altruistic goal. I'm so proud of you for thinking of it.”
Patient no. 49675: “And I also chose one for Henry’s memory. I want to be happy again, in order to honor the love and mate bond we had when we first met. The Henry from years ago would have wanted this for his Ginny, and for that version of our love, I’m going to allow myself to trust again.”