Chapter 19
The elevator takes Jack away,leaving me alone in my ruined apartment with Evie, a thousand roses, and a pile of shattered dreams.
So much for a wonderful surprise.
I’m white-hot with rage. That little fucker. He used me. Used my money, used my apartment, used my good will until he’d sucked me dry. And then he bailed, embarrassing me in front of Evie, as one final fuck you.
I’ve never in my life been so angry. I think I blacked out for a moment because one second I was standing next to Evie with hundreds of eyes looking at us and the next I was on the other side of the room watching the cockroaches run. I got a twisted pleasure from seeing the fear in their eyes. It wasn’t enough to calm me though. Not even close.
But now that we’re finally alone I can take some stock of the situation. I inhale slowly, exhale at the same speed. It’s okay. Now it’ll be okay. This was a grade-A nuclear disaster, but it’s still salvageable. I still feel the same way about Evie. The roses are still nice. And the string players were probably overkill anyway.
Sue me, I’ve never done a big declaration of love before.
But regardless, this is a speed bump. That’s all. One I hit at a hundred miles per hour, but a speed bump all the same. I can still correct the course.
I turn slowly. Evie’s staring at the elevator, at the same spot where Jack’s face disappeared. She looks shell-shocked.
“Obviously this wasn’t how I wanted things to go,” I say. “But the sentiment remains the same.”
Evie still doesn’t look at me. Her eyes are now flickering around the room, at the mess, the roses, and always back to those closed steel doors.
“Evie,” I say gently.
She jumps at the sound of her name, like she’d forgotten that I was in the room. Her wide eyes turn up to me.
“Evie,” I say again, reaching a hand out to her.
She twitches backward, withdrawing like I’m poisonous. It’s only a flicker, but the rebuke is clear. It burrows itself into my heart like a tick. My mouth settles into a firm line.
Still, I try to power through. I’d repeated the speech in my head over and over on the flights home. I’m not ready to abandon it, to admit that this scenario is very different from the one I’d envisioned.
“Evie,” I say. “I’m falling in love with you.”
Her big blue eyes widen, surprised, barely comprehending.
“I know it’s soon,” I say. The words tumble out of me and deep inside I’m screaming at myself to shut the fuck up. But I can’t stop myself. It all feels out of my control.
“But I can’t keep it in any longer. I’ve enjoyed the time I’ve spent with you more than any that I can remember. I want to give this a shot. So what do you say?”
A long, long beat of silence. It’s so long and so quiet that I can hear the blood rushing past my ears. It doesn’t sound like the sea. It sounds like a tsunami, moments from crashing over me and sweeping me away.
Finally Evie speaks and her voice is somehow even worse than the silence.
“Nick.” I never want to hear her say my name like that again.
“What’s the matter?” I ask softly.
She blinks rapidly. “What the hell was that?”
I stare at her not comprehending.
Evie gestures wildly at the elevator.
Another stab of anger at my little brother. “It was nothing,” I say. “Family bullshit. Part of the package unfortunately.”
Evie takes a deliberate step backward, her face twisting to disbelief. “How could you talk to your brother like that?”
I frown, struggle to contain an uncharacteristic burst of defensiveness. “You don’t understand the history there. I know…” I clench my jaw. “Look, this is far from the first time we’ve fought. He’ll be fine. He needed to hear it.”
“That you don’t want him in your life anymore?”
Yeah, that probably crossed the line. But still, I scowl. “He knows I don’t mean it. I was just angry.”
“Does he?”
I put my hands on my hips. I don’t like this a bit. What right does Evie have to come into my home and judge my family? She has absolutely no idea what our relationship is like.
“I don’t tell you how to talk to your siblings,” I say.
“I don’t have any siblings,” she says pointedly.
“Well then you shouldn’t talk about shit you know nothing about.” Even to me, the words sound defensive, surly. How has this dissolved so quickly?
Evie crosses her arms. We’ve argued enough for me to recognize her digging her heels in. I can deal with it at work where it’s her job to keep me guessing, but here? In my personal life? I won’t be made to feel ashamed over this. She has no idea.
“I wouldn’t talk to anyone that way. And he’s a child. He looks up to you.”
I scoff. “Okay, one, he’s not a child. He’s eighteen. And two, he absolutely does not look up to me.”
“What other role models does he have? Who else is looking out for him?”
“That’s why he’s so goddamn frustrating!” I say. “You want to know who his role model is? Our deadbeat father who’s sitting in prison. Dad coddles him and tells him what he wants to hear, and makes me out to be worse than Satan. Meanwhile I’m the one who has to look out for him because Dad can barely take care of himself, let alone a kid. And what thanks do I get?” I raise my hands at the room.
Evie sighs. “Yeah, the party sucked. It was completely irresponsible. But you’re a grown man, Nick. Jack is a teenager whose father is in prison. You expect him to be mature, but you’re acting like a kid yourself.”
I shake my head in disbelief. “Are you seriously calling me names right now?”
“You’re acting really childishly, and you can’t even see it!” she says. “Come on. Does your brother have anyone else in his life who cares about him?” It’s not rhetorical; Evie waits for an answer.
Let me think. Douchebag friends. Self-absorbed father. Mother who’s long gone. “Not really,” I say reluctantly. “But most people don’t have anyone who cares about them. I never did, and I’m doing just fine.”
“Are you?” Evie asks.
I put my hands on my hips, grind my teeth. It’s been a long day. I’m jet-lagged, exhausted, furious at the mess in my apartment and the destruction of my plans. And Evie hasn’t even acknowledged that I told her I’m falling for her, which is embarrassing in its own way. At least I didn’t make the string quartet stay to witness this.
“Look,” I say. “This is getting out of hand. I know it sounded harsh but trust me. Jack will be back, begging for me to continue to let him live rent- and responsibility-free here. And I’ll let him. That’s how our relationship works.”
Evie’s chin is raised, her jaw firm. Behind her eyes quivers a decision. “Well it shouldn’t work like that.”
“I know my brother much better than you do, Evie.”
“I know,” she says softly. “But I thought I knew you better.”
There’s something horribly final in her tone.
“What are you saying?” I ask dumbly.
“I’m saying that if you think this is a normal way to treat the people you’re supposed to love, I don’t want any part of it.”
My heart lurches, plummets. It leaves my body and sinks down, down, down to the core of the Earth where it’s immolated in a flash of fire, leaving behind only dust.
“Evie…” I say. “This isn’t fair. Not everyone gets to have the picture-perfect suburban family!”
“No,” she agrees. “Some children have to get saddled with terrible families. You know what that’s like, so I can’t fathom how you could let your own brother experience it too.”
“I paid for his expensive high schools. I let him go on trips with his friends. I let him smoke weed on my balcony for Christ’s sake. All I asked was for him to get a job and a GED, to take a couple college classes. But that was too difficult for him!” I feel like I’m going crazy. I gesture wildly around us. “Look what he did to my apartment!”
“I don’t know what the right answer is, Nick,” Evie says. “I just know that I recently broke up with one asshole, and I don’t want to start dating another one.”
I turn away from her, wiping my face. “So I’m an asshole now? If that’s how you feel then leave. We have nothing more to say to each other.”
She doesn’t argue, just turns toward the elevator. She makes it about halfway before I go after her.
“Wait!” I say. I hate how desperate I sound. But I’ve just gotten my first taste of happiness. How can I let her walk out that door so easily?
I stop at her side, put my hands on her arms. “I’m sorry, Evie,” I say. “We can work this out.”
Evie looks up into my eyes sadly and gently removes my hands. “I don’t think we can, Nick,” she says. “Because you still don’t see that I’m not the one you should be apologizing to.”
I stand limp, boneless. After all these years I finally know what I want. And it’s all blowing up in my face.
She walks to the elevator and gets in. I look away. I can’t bear to watch the doors close on her.
I stand there for a long time before finally forcing my feet to the nearby couch. I collapse onto it. It’s sticky from where someone spilled beer across the leather. The scent of liquor and roses is so strong it causes my head to ache.
Ruined. All because of Jack.
No… A little, annoying voice buzzes in my ear. All because you had an adult temper tantrum.
Yes, okay, fine. I lost my shit a little bit. But what the hell did she expect? Holding parties in my house was a complete insult. After everything I’d done for him. After… My mind drifts back to our fight before I left, when I’d dipped out on visiting Dad. Then it drifts down the lane of voice mails I’d left him, each angrier than the next.
But what the hell do I know? What kind of parenting advice had I ever gotten? What examples had I had to follow?
I rub my eyes. Evie is probably right, as she is about most things. Stepping outside of myself, maybe I have been too harsh on Jack. But I’ll apologize when he comes home. Because I may be doubting everything right now, but I still know for a fact that he’ll be back.
Evie is another matter.
Evie is someone that I could have really loved.
And I let her slip away.