Chapter 21
I would have gone completelycrazy by now if it weren’t for Evie. Institutionalized. Strait-jacketed. Pills in little cups and padded walls for my own safety.
The week we spent apart had almost driven me to it all.
It hadn’t taken long for the guilt to consume me. With Evie gone, cleaning up my apartment, I could only see Jack’s hurt face again and again, Evie’s accusations ringing in my ears. And when it was all cleaned up and there was nothing left to do? That’s when the true torture set in.
I sat down on my newly-scrubbed couch and realized that I was all alone. There would be no more high little brother watching cartoons on this very couch. No more Chinese takeout dinners listening to him talk about all the crazy crap kids his age are into.
And Evie. No more sparring with Evie. No more making her laugh. No more sunsets or sunrises. No more waking up with her snuggled against me. No more watching her ride me. No more making her come with my tongue, feeling her shiver with pleasure so strongly that it made me come as well. Like we were connected. One person, instead of two.
I’d never had that before.
And that night, looking down the barrel of my actions, I realized I might never again.
For a week I had waited for Jack to come knocking at my door. By the third day I caved and texted him an apology. I tried to leave a voicemail but found that my number was blocked.
Still I held on to hope. That if he came back then maybe it would all be okay. Maybe I could be redeemed. Maybe some people could truly love a man like me.
But as each day passed empty, I had to accept that he wasn’t coming back.
And that it was all my fault.
Going into the office had taken every ounce of force I had in me. Once my refuge, it was the last place I wanted to be. All sharp edges and cold steel and hard memories. None of her warmth, even though she resides in its walls.
But my inbox was filling up. My associates were concerned. Dalton alone had emailed three times, annoyed that after everything we’d gone through he was getting bounced to underlings. I didn’t care but I had to go in to manage it. Maybe, I reasoned, going through the motions would jump start the man I once was.
But deep inside, instinctively, I knew there was no going back. No, I’d known it the moment Evie Davis walked into my office and told me to go to hell. I was on the hook, speared through the heart, and hauled out of my isolation, struggling all the way. But now that I’ve felt the sun on my face I can never go back to the icy depths that were once my home.
One day at the office. It should have been manageable. What I hadn’t expected was that Evie would stride through my doors like she owned the place. I should have known that out of all my terrified underlings only she had the nerve, the gall. She broke down my barriers like a wrecking ball, obstinately and loving every minute of it.
And then those words: “I’m leaving”. God, the pain I’d felt. I’d almost wished she’d have stabbed me, let me bleed out on the carpet than come in there and throw it again in my face that I’d messed everything up. I didn’t think there was any saving us.
But now? Beyond all doubt, all reason, I have hope.
Visiting my father was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Bringing Evie into his vile orbit was bad enough. But sitting in that place, seeing what might have been my fate while hearing my own words come out of my father’s mouth? Hell.
Everything you touch turns to shit.
He wasn’t wrong then, but I made a promise to myself in that moment that one day he would be.
We get so few second chances in life. I may have played the fool, but I refuse to fuck this up again. We’d laughed together. We’d kissed. She promised to stay.
And now I need to spend every moment of the rest of my life proving that she made the right decision. And that starts with finding Jack. I need to make things right. Before I can truly call her mine. Before I can be worthy of her.
And until then we’ll have to stay apart.
But it’s coming.
Hope. I’ve never had much use for it. But now that I do, I have no idea how I went so long without it.
A weekafter our visit to the prison, I’m sitting in my office, staring at my computer screen and willing my eyes to stay open.
I’m just about to nod off regardless when Evie comes in and walks down my long aisle. It’s good timing. Just the sight of her perks me up.
“You need to downsize this office a bit,” she calls from about the halfway point. “I’m getting in my ten thousand steps just coming to see you a few times a day.”
I crack a groggy smile. “It was supposed to keep people from sticking their heads in. Easier to just send an email and then nobody’s bothering me all day.”
“You are one cranky motherfucker,” Evie says with a laugh. She finally reaches the desk and then recoils. “Jeez, you smell bad.”
“Strangers’ sweat and cheap cologne,” I confirm. “Oh and stale beer. A waitress got bumped and accidentally doused me.”
“Did you come right here?” she asks. “Have you even slept?”
“You want the truth?” I try to joke.
Evie’s eyebrows knit in concern. “Always,” she says.
“All right, all right. I came right here,” I say, setting down my pen and standing, stretching long arms over my head until my back cracks. “But look, this is the city that never sleeps. You would not believe the kind of parties that are happening on a Tuesday morning. Seriously. I just left a rave in an abandoned bodega in Williamsburg. It’s nuts.”
“But he wasn’t there?” Evie asks.
The grin slips off my face. “No,” I say. “He wasn’t.”
“It’s only a matter of time,” Evie says. “There are only so many places in this city.”
I grunt a rueful laugh. “There are too many places in this damn city. And Jack could be at any one of them, at any time.”
“And still no luck on social media?”
“Actually, yes,” I say. “He added the fake account.” After setting up an Instagram of all things for myself (yes, Evie helped) my request had sat ignored for days. Then Evie had suggested coming up with a fake name.
“I still think Margo Mercedes would have worked,” I add.
Evie rolls her eyes and stamps her foot. “For the last time, nobody adds accounts that sound like porn stars, Nick! He would have seen right through that.”
“He would have looked at her boobs and nothing else,” I insist.
“We’re not revisiting this,” Evie says, putting a stop before we get too deep into the debate again. “‘Ava Lawrence’ worked just fine.”
The account uses photos from my secretary Alyssa, who, learning from Kara, I bribed with Louboutins. Ava Lawrence is a part-time NYU student, part-time model, and now full-time friend of Jack Madison.
“Unfortunately,” I say, “it looks like he doesn’t post.”
“Let me see,” Evie says.
I hand her my phone and immediately marvel at the ease I’d given it over. Six months ago I would have bitten a hand that was reaching for my phone.
“He’s not tagged in anything either,” Evie says, scrolling to another part of the app.
“Do kids not use Instagram anymore?” I ask. “I thought it was the big thing.”
“I mean, TikTok is the ‘big thing’ right now,” Evie says. “But most people still use Instagram.”
“I’ll take your word for it,” I say.
“No, he probably just has a Finsta, which will make this a little harder.”
“I’m sorry, a what?”
“A Finsta, Grandpa. A Fake-Instagram.”
I make a face. “I actually think that was in the New York Times crossword puzzle a few months ago.”
“Wow,” Evie says, shaking her head. “You’re lucky you’re cute.”
I look down, trying and failing to hide my smile.
We haven’t acknowledged our kiss since that day in the car, both agreeing to focus on the search for Jack before unpacking whatever it is we have together. As difficult as it’s been to not fall asleep beside her, to stroke myself alone to a completely inadequate mental picture of her, it hasn’t been all bad. Pretending to be friends is far from ideal but it’s miles better than the hell I was in for the week after she left.
I used to want it all. Now I’ll take what I can get.
And look forward to the day when she’s mine again.
“And I’m lucky that some women are willing to put up with me.”
Her blue eyes roll. “Some?” she repeats. “Who are these ‘some’?”
I shrug. “Alyssa?”
“You pay her to put up with you.”
“Touché. Okay, fine. One woman will put up with me.”
Evie looks at me almost shyly, an expression I’m not used to seeing on her beautiful face. “Just barely,” she says, but she says it with a smile.
I walk around the side of my desk and hold out a hand. She stares at it like she’s not sure what I’m doing, and then she puts her hand in mine, daintily, like I’m about to lead her to a regency dance floor. She looks up at me in confusion.
I swallow my laugh and say, “Can I have my phone back?”
Her hand whips out of mine, a flush darkening her face in a second. “Oh my god,” she mutters, pushing the phone she was holding in her other hand at me without meeting my eye. “Can we just chalk that up to a lack of coffee?”
I grin wolfishly. “I’m going to remind you about this on a weekly basis.”
Evie groans and buries her face in her hands. I can’t tear my eyes off her. She’s adorable. And it’s a relief to know that I’m not the only one whose brain has been short-circuiting lately.
But as fun as it is to banter with Evie, we have a serious task at hand, one we’ve been distracted from for too long. Jack is still out there.
I’m about to suggest we go back to work, but I never get the chance. My door bangs open with a clash at the far end of my office.
Evie and I turn as one. My arm reaches out instinctively to block her and push her behind me. Nobody other than Evie is ballsy enough to barge in here, and I’m sure I’ve made more than a few trigger-happy enemies in my lifetime.
But then I see a shock of rainbow braids and relax. It’s just Kara, Dalton at her heel. And then I see her face and realize maybe a gunman would be easier to subdue.
I resist the urge to go stand behind my desk as Kara and Dalton stride down the way-too-long aisle to meet Evie and me.
Kara’s anger fades somewhat on the journey. By the time she reaches us, she looks winded. “What the hell is wrong with this office?” she demands.
I raise an eyebrow. “Have you barged in here unannounced to give me decorating tips?”
Her lips press together in a frown. “No. I’m here to ask what the hell happened. You’re dodging my emails, pushing me off on your employees. I don’t need to have every conversation with you, but I haven’t heard from you at all since Europe. And since you won’t take my calls, I came myself. What gives?”
“It’s personal,” I say icily, irritation raising my hackles. Is this what happens once you start being nice to people? They start walking all over you? Well I may be growing a heart, but I’m not losing my goddamn backbone.
Evie gives me a look. “You need to tell them.”
“No, I don’t,” I say stubbornly.
“You promised to work closely with Kara, and now you’re not. She deserves to know the truth.”
I tear my glare away from Kara and look down into Evie’s calm, searching eyes. It only takes a moment in her gaze for my ice to melt.
I sigh heavily. Evie’s right. It’s bad business. And I need to get used to this. I’ve always been able to balance my business and personal life by never having any of the latter, but the times they are a’changing.
“My brother is missing,” I tell Kara. “I’ve been running around the city every night trying to find him, and my work’s been suffering.”
Kara’s indignation drops in a second; Dalton’s face mirrors hers. “Oh my god, Nick,” she says. “I’m so sorry. Have you filed a missing persons report?”
I shake my head. “No, he’s just mad at me. And I deserve it. But he’s blocked my number and hiding behind a Finsta, whatever that is. I have no clue how to get in touch with him.”
“You don’t think he’ll come around?” Kara asks.
I shake my head. “I really fucked this one up,” I admit. “And besides, he doesn’t hang out with the best crowd. I’m afraid he might make a huge mistake.”
Kara nods grimly. “I know what that’s like,” she says.
“Is there anything we can do?” Dalton asks. “We owe you one.”
I cock my head. Do they? The business deal had been pretty mutually beneficial… Oh, wait a minute. I recognize that triumphant, slightly embarrassed look on Dalton’s face. He’s also standing closer to Kara than a business relationship would deem appropriate. Apparently a week in Ibiza without Dax had done wonders.
I grin back, but then shake my head again. “Thanks, but there’s nothing you could do. Just can you deal with my employees for a bit? I promise I’ll be back on board with everything soon. I just have to take care of this.”
“Of course,” Kara says. “If you hired them, they’re good.”
Evie has been silent for a long time, looking at Kara and Dalton with a calculating expression on her face. Finally she speaks, slowly at first, “Wait a minute,” she says. “I think I actually know of a way you could help.”
I turn to her. “Really?”
“Yeah, Jack’s a fan of Kara’s, right?”
“No shit,” I say with a wink at the DJ.
“What if she threw another pop-up concert in Washington Square Park?” Evie asks, excited now, looking between the three of us. “Do you think he’d go?”
“That’s a bit of a long shot,” I say. “But maybe.”
“He wouldn’t even need to be there himself. You met a bunch of his friends at that club, remember? You’d recognize them again. Even if he doesn’t go, you could nail down one of them.”
Holy shit, she’s right. My heart swells looking at this wickedly smart, beautiful girl.
Unfortunately, Kara voices a concern. She braces her teeth, saying, “Look, I know I said anything, and I’d love to help you out, but I got arrested the last time I did that.”
“Yeah,” Dalton agrees. “They didn’t press charges but they said they would if she ever did it again.”
“I’d pay you a lot of money,” I say. “And for all your lawyers. I’m a rich asshole, remember? I have the best in the damn city, and that’s saying something.”
Kara and Dalton exchange a look. Dalton shakes his head slightly, but Kara shrugs. “I did get a lot of publicity for that,” she says.
“But you can’t be in court with this cruise ship deal,” he says. “They’ll want you to stay in the city.”
All three of them look at me.
An ultimatum. A decision.
I answer without hesitation. “We can push the launch back.”
“Nick,” Evie says. “You know you’re losing money every day that ship sits there. Your shares are going to plummet if you push it back again.”
Oh I know. I know that better than anyone. But priorities change. People change.
“Fuck the cruise ship,” I say. “I need to find my brother.”