The Bitter Words (The Kings Of Mayhem #2)

Chapter 1

Chapter One

JAXON/JAX

Now

Frozen Portraits & One Last Illusion

Some realizations don’t land until the wreckage is already burning.

I’m on my plane, leaving Malaysia, going back to LA, and home to Livianna. I’m more excited than I have been about anything in recent months.

The jet knifes through the sky. It’s been two and a half weeks since I’ve seen her, which is way more than my system can handle. And by saying my system, I mean my heart.

I glance at the message I sent her earlier about coming home, hoping for a response. It’s in the middle of the night there, so I don’t expect anything.

The problem is, I notice my text failed to be delivered. I try to send the text again, and it fails twice.

I check my phone. No bars. No Wi-Fi.

My loyal flight attendant, Judy, approaches. “Can I get you anything, Mr. Crowne?”

“Can you tell me if the Wi-Fi is working?”

“They were having issues with it earlier, but I thought it was fixed.” She grows a tight smile. “I apologize I didn’t warn you.”

“That’s not a problem, but please see what you can find out.” A hole of unease opens in my stomach. “Also, can you please bring me a double scotch?”

“Yes, Mr. Crowne. I’ll be right back.” She saunters toward the front of the cabin.

I glance out the window. We’re high above the clouds.

If the Wi-Fi is down for the entire trip, I won’t be able to give Livianna a heads-up that I’ll be able to hold her soon, witness her fingers grabbing the silk sheets as she arches her back up while she trembles from the release of her powerful orgasm.

I shift to hide my growing erection. Just thinking about her has me wanting her like she’s sitting next to me. Damn, that woman does wild things to me.

Judy sways back to me with my drink in hand and places it on the table in front of me.

“Here’s your scotch, sir. The Wi-Fi is down again.

We’re experiencing some technical difficulties with it.

Unfortunately, unless we land and try to get it fixed, it won’t be available for the remainder of the trip. ”

“Nothing can be done?”

“It might work from time to time, so you can keep checking it, but I can’t promise anything.”

I half growl, not liking her answer, but it’s not her fault. “Thanks for letting me know.”

“You’re welcome. Is there anything else I can get you?”

“Not right now.”

I sip on my drink while trying to figure out what I can do for the next seventeen hours. I open my laptop and start clearing the inbox I preloaded at the hotel.

Methodically, I read through and respond to the emails, knowing the recipients won’t receive the follow-up until I’m connected to the server again.

Contracts, bulletins, a sponsorship deck, and then her name.

It’s an email from a private account Livianna set up for private communications between us.

My pulse quickens and my chest lifts. I click on the message with my chest ballooning. That is until I read it.

Jax,

I received the paperwork you had me sign before you left. Obviously, I should’ve had you go over what I was putting my signature on.

Always have someone review your legal documents with you. Isn’t that what you’ve taught me? This time the lesson has truly been learned.

I should’ve known then you were severing ties with me. After all, you were stepping away from being involved with my investments.

The night before, you told me we needed to take a breather from our relationship. How could I not realize you were cutting off your connection with me?

What I don’t understand is why you would, without my knowledge and by inserting it among other legal documents, have me sign an acceptance of a Membership Interest Assignment and Transfer Agreement that effectively transferred ownership of your Malibu beach house to me.

Fuck! My heart pounds hard. She thinks I was ending it with her by gifting her “our” house. I read on.

Why just hand it over to me? Is it so repulsive for you to own something we shared? Is it because you don’t want to be reminded of me when you return?

I’ve thought about it for a while. What I’ve come to believe is you want nothing that we’ve experienced together to be a barrier for you to move on.

That’s what this entire trip to Malaysia was about, wasn’t it? You were ready for it to be over and didn’t want to hurt me.

No, Livianna. You have this all wrong. I continue scouring the email.

You used an investment that was going the wrong way as an excuse to get away from me. We both know Andrew could’ve handled that for you.

You’ve never been required to be physically present in those matters before. I know you’ve been available previously, but this last time you made it sound as if you had to be there.

I don’t think that’s the case. You needed a clean break. Time away from me so I would let you go. That’s why you’ve only sent text messages about going for my dreams or trivial motivational quotes.

Yes, I received one saying you missed me. That’s just part of the grieving process of moving on. I recognize that, but I need you to understand something. The way you went about this is more painful than if you had just ended it with me.

Instead, you took me out. You shared with me what our past together was like for you, making me falsely believe that you cared deeply for me. You had sex with me one last time and then walked away without me even realizing what was going on.

How stupid I feel for not seeing it as it was taking place.

You didn’t see it because that’s not what I was doing. Jesus Christ, did you not read the letter I sent with the paper work? I read more.

I was living in an illusion. One where I thought we would end up together. I was hoping for that while you secretly planned to leave me.

You’re one of the only people who knows about my fears and anxiety around deep loss, and that’s why you left me the way you did.

You didn’t want me to return to my self-harming ways. I can appreciate that and forgive you because I don’t think you were maliciously trying to hurt me. You did, though.

My heart is broken.

Why?

Because I care deeply for you. You were the one person I believed knew me, the real me. I thought what we had was genuine. I dreamed it was something powerful and everlasting. How foolish I feel.

Oh, Livianna. You need to look into my eyes and see how much I love you. My hands shake as I continue to read.

You’ve taught me to be honest with myself and you. You’ve encouraged me to ask for what I truly want and desire. You told me I could trust you and I believed you to my core.

I was so close to speaking my truth the night at the bistro, but things took a dramatic turn when you told me we needed to take a breather while you were away.

You walked away from me so I would move on. Just so you know, I didn’t want that.

In full transparency, Jax, I was ready to tell you I loved you and wanted to take our relationship to my parents. Too little too late, I suppose.

Why didn’t I just tell you I love you?

It’s a hard lesson I’m learning, but like you always say, difficult situations teach you to be wiser for the next time you’re confronted with a similar issue.

I want to ask you what went wrong for you, when and where you decided we couldn’t work out. I want answers, but again, from your mentoring, I know I can’t control what others do or feel. Those questions are irrelevant.

The only thing I can be in charge of is how I experience and respond to them. Therefore, no explanation is required. I’ll figure out my own feelings and grow from there.

Your decision is respected. I’ll be an adult about this. Our professional relationship will go untarnished because I still respect you so very much.

Good, then maybe you’ll listen to me when I tell you this is all a misunderstanding.

Trust I’m coming to terms with our breakup and will be able to move on without injuring myself. Calm yourself of any worries you may harbor about that.

By being around you, I’ve grown up and found safe ways to release my internal agony. Thank you for helping me with this aspect of my life. I’m eternally grateful.

One last thing before I sign off and let our relationship go for good. The fact that you’re fifteen years older than me was never an issue for me. It was never the reason I wanted to guard our relationship and keep it private.

I wish I had stressed that more. Maybe then this wouldn’t be happening.

I don’t know the answer and don’t need one. You wanted out and did what was best for you. I see that now.

Just as you say: First and foremost, always do what’s in your best interest. And for that, I should’ve seen this coming.

Know I’ll always value everything you’ve taught me and helped me move past. Trust that means the world to me.

Jax, I will always love you.

That isn’t me begging or pleading for another chance. It’s me being brave enough to say what’s in the core of my heart. Probably something I should’ve said months ago but wasn’t courageous enough to express.

Goodbye, Jaxon Crowne. You’ll always be a king to me. Thank you for all the great memories.

With all my love and appreciation always,

Livianna

My limbs go numb and I lose my breath. This letter is full of false beliefs and assumptions that are so far off base. I can’t begin to formulate my thoughts, let alone my feelings about it.

By trying to honor her and show her she had agency over herself and her life while I was gone, I ruined everything. I pick up my drink and slam it back.

I went about everything so wrong. Instead of being her boyfriend, lover, and partner, I acted like a superior being who thought I knew what would be best for her. A wave of emptiness filters through me.

Why didn’t I just tell her how I feel? Why did I think I knew better than her what was right for us?

I sit back in my seat as I try to let my emotions flow through me so I can find the solution without being in reactive mode. The problem is this isn’t a business deal gone wrong or a materialistic item that doesn’t really matter.