The Caffeine Daydreams Collection

Chapter 1

Chapter One

OLLIE

I’d hoped today would change my life, but as I watched my girlfriend of six years get railed by my best friend, this wasn’t how I’d thought it would happen.

I shouldn’t even be here. Right now, I was supposed to be pulling up to the Identity offices, ready for the interview of a lifetime.

Instead, I was frozen in the doorway, watching the muscles in Callum’s arse flex as he drilled into Suzie.

I didn’t remember him looking that ripped. Fucker had clearly been going to the gym without me.

Not what you should be focusing on right now.

My inner voice was probably right. But if I focused on the reality—that the woman I was in a committed relationship with was currently behaving like she was auditioning for a porno—I might spontaneously combust.

I needed to do something other than gawp at them while white-knuckling the heavy briefcase in my hand. A younger version of myself would’ve used it to whack Callum on his way-too-toned backside.

I didn’t even know why I’d bothered taking the thing with me in the first place.

It’d seemed like a grown-up thing to do for an interview somewhere as prestigious as Identity.

Fat lot of good it would’ve done me, given I’d forgotten to put my portfolio in it.

You know, the one thing they’d asked me to bring along.

How I’d forgotten it was beyond me. It had to be the exhaustion. I’d spent most of the night staring at the ceiling instead of sleeping.

Considering how long I’d waited for an opportunity like this, you'd think I would’ve been ready for the interview. Confident even. I’d certainly proved my worth at smaller websites, my most recent one landing me an Orwell prize.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t how imposter syndrome worked.

The more success I garnered, the more my brain told me I didn’t deserve it.

That it was only a matter of time before someone realised that I didn’t know what I was doing and called me out.

A large part of me believed I would rock up to this interview only to be laughed out the door.

I’d been so convinced of this fact that my brain had provided me with several detailed examples of what could happen. Of how badly I could fuck it up.

Because that was what this situation needed. More pressure.

You couldn’t blame me though. Opportunities like this never came around…not with a website like Identity.

They were the crème de la crème of digital journalism. Hard-hitting interviews, in-depth profiles, cutting satire…Identity did it all. After a few years working for them, I could walk into a writing job anywhere.

Normally Identity preferred to trial staff on a volunteer basis until they’d proved their worth.

That wasn’t something I could afford to do.

Unlike most graduates, I didn’t have rich parents subsidising my rent and bills.

Born and raised on a council estate, I’d worked hard for everything I’d achieved.

And I might not have a lot, but I was damned proud of what I did have.

A car that only broke down once a year instead of once a month.

A nice small flat in a quiet block instead of a room in a drug-infested houseshare.

Neighbours who wouldn’t mug me just because my shoes didn’t have holes in them.

It wasn’t much…but it was mine. Okay, my bank account might hit the red every month, but this life…? It was something I’d barely dared to dream of.

And the fact I got to share it all with a beautiful woman who I’d been with for years?

That had been the icing on the cake.

And now here I was. Watching said icing getting literally licked by my closest friend.

My watch vibrated with a forty-minute warning. Fortunately, I’d built in enough time around my interview for emergencies. Like forgetting something and needing to nip back to grab it…not having my heart ripped out of my chest by the two people I trusted the most.

Since the interview was now the only thing going for me, I needed to get back to Identity as fast as possible. Which meant I needed to move.

Why did that feel impossible?

“Callum,” Suzie moaned. “Oh god. Yes. Right there. Th—”

“That’s the spot?” I interrupted her, my voice finally returning. The pair froze, Suzie’s eyes wide with horror as they met mine over Callum’s shoulder. “Not very original there, hun. So you mix up your lovers but not the dialogue?”

“Shit,” Suzie squawked as Callum scrambled back, dragging the sheet with him.

“Bit late for that, mate,” I said heavily. “Seen it all now anyway.”

“Ollie, man. It’s not what you think.” Callum was shoving his legs into his jeans while Suzie shrugged into her dressing gown. Did they think if they got dressed fast enough, they might be able to pretend I’d imagined it all?

“Really? You mean you weren’t fucking Suzie? Let me guess, you tripped and fell into her vagina?”

Callum flushed with shame, his gaze dropping to the floor.

Suzie, however, had a different response.

Hands on her hips, she glared up at me. Would’ve been more effective if her hair wasn’t rumpled from where Callum had had his hands buried in it.

Bile filled my throat at the bitter look she gave me.

It grew even worse when I realised it wasn’t the first time I’d seen it on her face.

When had she started looking at me like that?

“Sarcasm, Ollie?” She laughed, a sour hollow sound that pierced my heart. “I don’t know why I expected anything more from you. I should’ve known it’d take more than catching me in bed with your best friend for you to show real emotion.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

She gestured at me in disgust. “Look at you. You’re barely even frowning. Most men would lose their shit in this situation. Start yelling. Throwing punches. Instead, you throw out sarcastic quips like you’re mildly disappointed at best.”

Images of another man throwing punches flashed through my mind. Screams. Insults. Smashed dishes. Holes in walls.

My breath came faster and I dug my nails into my palms. Counting backwards from twenty, I reminded myself I wasn’t him.

I’d never be him.

“Is that what you’d rather I do? Come in here and start smashing the place up?”

“Of course not,” Suzie said impatiently. “But Christ, Ollie. I thought you’d give me more than this. Don’t you feel anything?”

At Suzie’s words, I saw Callum shift on his feet from the corner of my eye, one hand rubbing the back of his neck.

Yeah, the fucker better feel guilty. He knew better than anyone why I kept my emotions close to my chest.

I turned my attention back to Suzie, silently saying goodbye to all my hopes for our future. I wished I hadn’t felt anything. I’d have given anything for that dead numbness people sometimes talked about.

My trouble was I felt it all. Everything. All the time.

I never got any respite from the rage, the anxiety. The nagging feeling that I’d never be good enough. That I was failing everyone.

But I’d seen what happened when you let your emotions control you. I’d learned the hard way what the consequences would be if I didn’t keep them buried under lock and key.

“Is that why you did this?”

Suzie lifted her chin defiantly, but I didn’t miss the way her lip wobbled.

How she bit it as she always did when she was trying to stop the tears from falling.

“No. But I need more, Ollie. I need someone passionate, both in bed and out. Someone who will laugh with me. Cry with me. Someone I can stay up all night with, talking about everything and nothing.”

“And you think Callum is the guy for that?” I shot the guy in question a thumbs-up. “Good luck with that, mate. We both know you only cry when Leeds loses. Which is a lot, to be fair, but I don’t think that’s what Suzie means.”

Callum still wouldn’t look at me. The full magnitude of how he was about to lose over twenty years of friendship was probably hitting him…or my carpet was way more interesting than I’d realised.

“At least Callum feels things,” Suzie threw out hotly. “He fucks me like he means it. Not like it’s a chore.”

I winced as her barb hit home. Sure, our sex life left a lot to be desired…but that was normal, right? We’d been together a long time. It was natural that things…slowed down.

But they were never very fast, were they?

I rubbed a hand over my head like I could make my inner voice fuck off.

I couldn’t ignore the truth though. I’d been attracted to Suzie from the get-go, but we’d never had that insane passion you saw in movies.

We’d never ripped each other’s clothes off in a frenzy.

Never been so desperate for one another that we’d not made it to the bedroom.

“I wish you’d talked to me,” I said quietly. “We could’ve worked on things.”

Suzie took a step closer, her whole body trembling. “We still could. Just say the word, and it’ll be like this never happened.”

Callum stiffened at her words, his eyes lifting for the first time since I’d caught them. “What the fuck, Suzie? Are you going to stand here and tell me you’re choosing him? What about us?”

Suzie paled, her gaze darting to Callum as if she’d forgotten he was standing there.

Something passed between them. Something raw. Desperate. Honest.

That was the moment. Three hearts on the tripwire, struggling not to fall over the edge and shatter completely.

Even with what they’d done, I couldn’t turn off my love for them.

I stepped back, my hands raised in defeat. “No choice needed. We’re done here. I suggest you both talk. I’ve got an interview to get to.”

I turned my back on them as I jumped from the wire, leaving them balanced more securely.

That was all I’d do for them though.

It was done. I was done.

With love. With friendship. The whole fucking lot.

I picked up my portfolio from the kitchen table.

Left my flat.

Got in my car.

Drove down the road.

Turned into a side lane.

Put the car in neutral.

Lifted the handbrake.

And with no one else around, no one to see or hear me, I finally let loose.

I screamed until my voice was hoarse. Thumping my hands on the steering wheel until they began to bruise.

It didn’t make me feel any better. Not really. But it expended enough energy for me to pull myself together and get back on the road.

I had fourteen minutes to make my interview.

I couldn’t miss it.

It was all I had left.