7. Chapter Seven
Chapter Seven
Mac
“Last time we talked about your twin and what happened on the bus. How are you feeling about that now?”
My eyes bulge at Dr. Ivy Surah’s directness.
“You remembered that?” I ask, dubiety lacing my tone. “That was six weeks ago.”
Doc almost tsks, her brow lifting just the slightest amount. “It was over two months ago, Mac. Besides,” she taps a slender finger to her temple, “I take notes.”
My mouth works like a fish before I shake my head and lean back on the couch.
“I would say the same …” I trail off and drop my sight to the floor because if I really stop to think about it, I actually feel worse .
“What about Jordan? Is he still sharing space with you?”
I tense at the reminder of my bodyguard so soon in the conversation but manage a stiff nod.
“And,” she almost drags out. “Is that something you’re still okay with?”
Another stiff nod.
I know I shouldn’t continue to do what I’m doing. It’s unhealthy. Each day that I spend with Jordan at my side making me more unstable than I already was when I met him.
But the idea of anyone else being in his place is unfathomable .
It’s so uncomfy that it makes my stomach roll with just the thought.
“Mac?”
My head snaps up and I do my best to squash the voice in my head that makes me feel like I just got my hand snagged in the cookie jar. “Huh?”
“I asked if you liked it.” She looks at me pointedly, like I just missed a whole important scene in the movie I’ll be quizzed on, and my brows meet in the middle of my bandana-clad forehead.
“Liked what?”
Doc’s lips purse and she shakes her head. “Tell me where you went. In your head. Just now.”
Pulling in a cleansing breath, the truth of my thoughts are off my tongue before I can reframe them in a way that doesn’t out me. “I feel like I shouldn’t want this.”
“But you do.” Not a question .
I nod anyways, my arms crossing over my chest as I lean back into the cushion. “I don’t want anyone but him.”
The truth of the words startle me more than they do her and my wide eyes drift to the floor once again.
I thought we were past this .
These deep-seated and unrequited feelings have finally surfaced all over again. I’ve had them stuffed down long enough to decay.
So why now?
Huffing, I set my attention back on the note-taking brain doctor.
When she finally looks up, she crosses one knee over the other and sets the notepad aside.
Having all of her attention feels almost as bad as admitting I used to have a crush on someone close to me and now I just feel about two feet tall.
“I want to ask you something.”
My stomach drops, but I nod her on.
“Are you jealous of your brother?”
If it’s possible, my stomach drops even farther.
“What? No.”
“And possibly his openness about the relationship that he’s in?”
Tingling takes over my fingertips and my chest gets real tight.
“Or is it Toby’s stint in rehab and all the attention he’s getting now that he’s home?”
I bristle at that, a flood of anger rising up so fast, I jump to my feet.
“Fuck you, doc,” I seethe. “Don’t you dare minimize them and their efforts to be happy.” She just shakes her head, calm as ever despite my elevated tone and instead of waiting for her response, I continue spitting venom in her direction. “And I sure as fuck would never take any of that away from them.”
Doc holds up a hand. It’s a simple gesture, one that’s meant to mean surrender, and I rock back on my heels.
I’m panting when she finally speaks.
“I never meant to infer anything beyond what I see troubling you, Mac.” She purses her lips and gestures for me to take my seat.
I huff, but then finally fall back into it.
“It’s difficult when the dynamics of our relationships change. It’s not just romantic ones that affect us in negative ways. You experiencing your twin brother creating an individual life and growing into the man he is can be a challenge.”
“What about Toby, then? Why bring him up?”
The smile that pulls at the doc’s lips is genuine, but small.
“He was the next best thing. One of the few people that have known you almost as long as your brother. The two people that have accepted you, been close to you, even when you were a grumpy, pimply teenager.”
“I was not,” I grumble, even though I definitely was at one point. We all were. It’s like a rite of passage or some shit.
“But then Toby went away. For the majority of that time, you focused on your worry for him, your appreciating of his healing, and planned things for his return. Now that he’s home, he’s different, I’d imagine.”
Sighing, I shake my head, though she is right.
“I think your head is telling you that you feel left out, and I’d bet if you just reached out to either of them, they’d happily accept you into the new versions of their lives.”
I grit my jaw against the way it ticks and ignore the pinch in my chest because while she’s not wrong, she’s not entirely right , either.
I accept them in their new lives, that my role is smaller in some ways.
What I really want is for them to accept me in mine.
I ignore that, too.
“Fine,” I breathe out, exhausted and drained. “I’ll try.”
“Good. It’ll be good to find the new normal before you jet off on another tour. Now …” She pauses just long enough to have me dragging in a breath and drawing my sight up to hers. “Let’s talk about how no one else is good enough except Jordan.”
I groan and scrub my hands down my stubbly face.
My mouth opens to respond, but an alarm sounds from somewhere behind the doctor and she mutters something akin to a doctor-appropriate curse.
“I want you to come back in a few days, Mac,” Doc says as she taps away the buzz of another session completed, and I slump back. “And we can go over the rest of it then.”
Nodding, I let the relief I feel flood me.
I don’t have to talk about him yet.
“Fine,” I mutter.
I’m on my feet, though I feel dead on them despite the real sleep I managed to get, and rush from the room without another glance.
It’s like the therapy is undoing all the things I’ve managed to use to keep myself from crashing and burning and I’m just flat out fucking exhausted.
But when I see Jordan, ever-present and waiting for me with a gentle tilt to his lips, all I want to do is crawl back into his arms.
Even if best friends is all it’ll ever mean.