The Cornish Beach Hut Café

Chapter 48

48

The Hideaway

Arm ’ s length and an unfortunate playlist

Saturday

I t’s almost eight by the time we get back to The Hideaway. Kit walked along the beach to the hotel to collect his car, then we drove back from town without a word, with the Manic Street Preachers playing ‘You Stole the Sun from My Heart’ in the background. As soon as we’re home I grab a bottle of No-secco from the fridge, slide it into an ice sleeve, and put it down with two glasses on the living room coffee table. When I step over Shadow and sit on the opposite end of the L-shaped sofa to Kit, there’s a decent distance between us.

He raises an eyebrow. ‘I have two things to say now we’re here.’

‘Okay.’ I look across at him, take in the shadows of his cheekbones, deepening in the fading light.

‘First, please don’t worry, I will be keeping my distance.’

‘Great.’

‘And…’ he gives a cough ‘…I need to tell you I love you.’

My heart does a skip, then my mind catches up. ‘That’s seriously not allowed.’

‘I know.’ He pops the cork, pours the fizz and leans to hand me a glass. ‘As we’re going to be together for the next sixteen hours, I’m telling you in the interest of openness and honesty.’

I take a sip of fizz and watch the bubbles rise in my flute. ‘Would you like some Wotsits?’

Kit shakes his head. ‘I’m okay without, thanks.’

I go back to staring at my glass, then five minutes later I sit forward. ‘How about honey-roasted cashews?’

I go to the kitchen without waiting for a reply, put the full bowl on the table and we both take a handful. I tuck my feet under me as I sit down and take a breath.

‘You know I can’t ever have kids?’ I watch his eyebrows shoot upwards.

‘Actually, I didn’t.’

I’m taking this really calmly and slowly. ‘Those scars on my tummy are from when they took all the bits and pieces away.’ If I said the medically correct terms, there’d be no guarantee he’d have a clue what I’m talking about.

‘Was that when you were ill?’

I nod. ‘They went all around my body, chasing down every last nasty bit. The chemo had already wrecked my fertility, so there wasn’t much to lose.’

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t realise.’

I shrug. ‘HRT is out of the question, I have the hormone levels of a pensioner, which is why my sex drive is the size of a small gnat’s.’

He smiles to himself quietly. ‘I can’t say I’d noticed that part either.’ There’s a puzzled look on his face. ‘Why didn’t you tell me this earlier?’

‘It didn’t go with the territory.’ I try again. ‘I’d hardly tell a casual date I’d had an early menopause after an elective hysterectomy. I’m only telling you now to explain why I’m not suitable girlfriend material.’ I can tell from his expression he’s still mystified. ‘You mentioned you and Vee broke up because she didn’t want children.’

His eyes narrow. ‘Well, yes … but maybe not in the way you’re thinking.’

‘How many ways are there?’ Surely kids are either a deal-breaker – or they’re not?

He takes a deep breath. ‘As a business partner, Vee was hard-headed, astute, and glamorous, but those aren’t necessarily qualities that make a great life partner. The moment she told me she didn’t want kids, it hit me that we were never going to be happy as a couple in the long term. Before that I knew it wasn’t working, but I couldn’t pinpoint why. So, that was the catalyst to us breaking up, but it was more about her lack of warmth and empathy than the children themselves.’

I take a sip of fizz. ‘Well, thanks for explaining that.’

‘It’s good we’re finally talking about things that matter.’ He hesitates. ‘And I’m sorry if what I said about having kids was insensitive. I wouldn’t have said it if I’d known your situation.’

I pull a face. ‘I’m less sensitive about it than I used to be. I can’t avoid little ones in St Aidan.’

His shakes his head. ‘It was heroic of you to deliver Arnie given the circumstances.’ His lips pull into a smile. ‘When I see Milla and her friends mobbing Rye I find the whole idea of having kids terrifying, but I could go either way.’ Then his frown deepens. ‘So does knowing how I feel about children change anything for you?’

‘Well, yes … but no.’ I owe it to him to at least try to explain. ‘There’s a lot going on in the background.’

‘Evidently.’ His legs are stretched out in front of him, and he uncrosses his feet. ‘How about a slow, barefoot stroll along the beach? Strictly no holding hands.’ Not only has he read my mind, but he’s already kicking his deck shoes off.

As we walk down from the dunes the sun has already dipped below the horizon, and the wind is blowing our hair across our faces. We turn towards St Aidan, kick our way past the trail of high water seaweed and make our way down towards the ocean. As we hit the shine of wet sand the water pools around the outlines of my toes and Kit stoops to pick up a stick for Shadow.

He hurls it into the distance, and once we’ve fallen back into a regular stride with a comfortable gap between us, he turns to me. ‘I’m listening whenever you’re ready to tell me what the problem is.’

‘I’ve told you before, I try never to think or talk about being ill, but it does have a big impact. If you haven’t experienced illness it’s hard to know what it’s like, but the ripples it causes reach untold areas of your life.’

He nods. ‘I imagine they do.’

I blow out my cheeks because these are the things I usually block out. ‘When you’re ill as half of a couple and then you recover, you know there are risks going forward, but because you’re together you also know that you can face them as a team if they come up.’

A sideways glance tells me he’s still listening intently.

‘In many ways it’s worse being the partner of someone who is ill than it is for the person themselves. What I’m saying is, you’d never choose to put someone into that situation if they weren’t there already.’

He shrugs. ‘I get that this isn’t straightforward.’

It’s my turn to take the stick from Shadow and I hurl it up to the drier sand and watch his back legs powering away before I turn back to Kit. ‘Honestly, not being able to have children is the simple bit. I even have frozen eggs.’ I roll my eyes. ‘I don’t have the money to pay for any procedures, because I used it to buy The Hideaway instead.’

‘You’ve made a lot of brave choices.’

‘I was simply being practical, planning my future as a single person because I don’t have enough to offer a partner.’

He’s still walking. ‘That’s the bit I still don’t get. Why can’t you be with someone?’

I blow out my cheeks again. ‘Once you’ve had what I’ve had, it’s not necessarily over. The cancer can jump around your body and start again somewhere else. It doesn’t happen to everyone, but if you’re one of the unlucky ones, you can’t stop it coming.’

He’s nodding. ‘So there could be a relapse?’

I pull a face. ‘If you look it up, you can find what the chances are but it’s easier not to get hung up on the numbers. It’s better to carry on and only worry about it if it happens. But it’s a rollercoaster to hell and back. You go for the ride if you’re already there because there’s no choice, but you’d never willingly join in halfway through.’

He gives a gasp. ‘Shit.’

I’m getting through to him at last. ‘It’s simply not fair to let someone fall in love with someone who could get ill again. If you’re starting out, your best chance is to choose someone who is well.’

As he stops walking and turns to face me his eyes are shining, and as I stop as well his fingers catch mine. ‘What if it’s already too late?’

And this is the other thing about being ill. You have to be brave. To cope at all you have to toughen yourself, and never allow yourself to break. I’ve gone for years without crying for myself, but suddenly my face is soaking wet, and the tears are finally falling. I want this more than anything in the world, but I can’t be that selfish. I’ve taken every knock along the way. I just never expected for it to hurt like this when the bad part should be over.

I swallow back the saliva. ‘My prize was getting better, Kit. I’m well, I can’t expect to have it all and fall in love too.’

His cheeks are wet with tears too. ‘I need to hug you, Floss.’

I take a gulp. ‘Please don’t do that. The truth is, I love you too much to let you start any of this.’

His arms close around me, and then I’m burying my cheek in the soft folds of his T-shirt, digging my fingers into his beautifully muscled back. As he speaks his voice is reverberating through his chest.

‘So, you do love me too?’

I nod. ‘I realised it the day Rye told me you liked me. That’s why I knew we had to stop seeing each other.’

Kit pulls back to look at me and his eyes narrow. ‘And have you been happy since then? Because I’ve felt like shit.’

I have to be honest. ‘I’ve felt awful too.’

He blows out a breath. ‘So we could be two happy people, or two unhappy ones? I think I’m going to have to overrule you on this.’

He pulls me closer. ‘If you love me and I love you, we have to find a way to make it work.’ He rubs his thumb on my temple. ‘Nothing in life is certain. We may have decades or we may only have a year. But however long it is, I want to spend that time with you – the good bits and the bad bits.’

I sniff. ‘I wish I could say “yes”.’

His chest heaves under my face. ‘I’d hate to be like your mum and David. I don’t want to have to come back and find you when your life is almost over, I want us to live every moment together.’

What he says is resonating as I think of all those years of happiness Mum missed out on. ‘Mum isn’t one to talk about regrets, but I’m so pleased they’re having their time now.’

Kit’s looking down into my face. ‘We need to be brave together, we need to take our chances and believe in the future.’ He waits for a few seconds. ‘I’m up for it if you are?’

I’m agonising, trying to let myself agree, when his lips land on mine, and the pulsing sweetness of his kiss draws me in. By the time he gently pulls back to look at me again, my head is spinning.

I have to protest. ‘Making me see stars isn’t fair.’

His laugh is low. ‘Whatever it takes to make you say “yes”, I’m going to have to do it.’ He’s rubbing his chin on my cheek. ‘I fell in love with you that first day by the side of the road. It’s not like anything I’ve ever felt before.’

I laugh. ‘So what impressed you most? Me stripping off my T-shirt in a gale, managing to catch Arnie, or my banter with the fire brigade?’

He closes his eyes as he thinks. ‘All of it. Especially your love for Clemmie. Not many people would have kept their nerve like you did. You were a total star and I was smitten. And your boobs of course.’ He’s biting his lip. ‘I also have an insane admiration for your chocolate brownie puddings, the way you handle customers and your amazing pink shorts, but that all came later.’

If this is confession time, I’ve got some of my own. ‘I did mentally undress you that first day – and every day after. And you buying me custard donuts was a game changer. Obviously you also saved The Hideaway from the out-of-hand teenage campfire, and you’ve made me feel sick every time I’ve seen you because of the outrageous tummy flips you cause, and I’ve lost count of the times you’ve come to the rescue for Shadow and me. As for the way you make me come…’

I’m about to say, no one’s ever even come close, but I stop in mid-sentence when a rush of icy water hits my feet, and I jump back with a shriek instead.

‘Jeez, that’s freezing.’

Kit’s laughing as he pulls me into another kiss as the water laps around our ankles. ‘It’s meant to be cold, it’s the sea.’

We stand in the water, hanging on to each other, and I can already feel the happiness spreading through my body like a wave of warmth.

I’m about to bury my mouth in his again when he pulls back, puts a finger to his lips and gestures for me to look along the beach. As I turn and see what he’s pointing at, a smile the width of the bay spreads across my face. A few feet along the beach, Shadow is standing, his big body motionless. There is water swirling around his legs, and his eyebrows are raised in the WTAF? position.

I whisper to Kit. ‘I love that dog so much. He’s like a huge dark brown hole of joy in my life.’

Kit laughs. ‘He’s not barking or running away anymore. He might be looking horrified, but he’s in up to his elbows.’ He looks down at me. ‘Shadow in the sea – if ever there was a cosmic sign you need to say “yes” to our love, that’s it!’

I laugh at Kit. ‘I think you could be right.’ I call across the water. ‘Is it good in the sea, Shadow? What do you think, are we going to let Kit share our custard creams every night from now until the end of time?’

Shadow does a huge bark, dips into a play bow, snatches a mouthful of water then tears out of the shallows and off across the sand.

I laugh. ‘And I think we got our answer. One thing is certain – us three escapees have all come a long way since we left London.’

Kit’s hands are on my shoulders as he looks down at me. ‘I have enough love for both of us and I’m ready to care for you. Whatever life throws at us, we’ll face it together – is that okay?’

Put like that, there’s only one answer. ‘Absolutely.’

‘Thank you, Flossie.’ He laughs and pulls me into another dizzying kiss.

It’s a long time later when he gets to speak again. ‘Are we ready to go back?’

I lean into his warm body. ‘I think we are.’ And as we make our way arm in arm back along the sand to The Hideaway I feel like the luckiest woman in the world.