The Darkest Parts of Me

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Renn

Maven arriving at the overlook is a memory I want etched into my mind forever. The pure joy lighting her face was more striking than the view that took almost three days to get to. While everyone looked out to the vista, I couldn’t take my eyes off her. She was unmatched by the beauty that surrounded us. She was transcendent. I had never seen or felt anything like it before as I watched her from afar. I wanted to give her a moment, but when she finally turned around to search for me—when she ran to me . . . neither one of us hesitated to hold on to each other . . . It was perfect. The way her body lined up with mine; how I didn’t pause to pick her up off her feet and hold her tight against me. Just thinking about it makes my chest ache. For a moment, it felt like there was only her and me on top of that mountain, a feeling I didn’t realize I had been chasing this whole time until she was in my arms.

We spend the rest of the day lounging and drinking in the scene, and I’m just as surprised as everyone else when the sun begins to set and we realize we still have to set up camp. At least we still have a couple of days here to relax and enjoy.

We set up camp a good distance away from the outlook—firstly for more even ground, and secondly for safety, because in the pitch black, it would be easy to accidentally get too close to the ledge. By the time dinner is consumed, the tiredness has set in with everyone, including myself. Maven and I exchange glances across the fire. She’s so different from how she appeared last night. Now she’s smiling and laughing—happiness radiating off her even under the cloak of night. I’m proud of her, and if I wasn’t already entranced, this day would have made it undeniable.

The alarms on the ship echo throughout the labyrinth of hallways as crewmembers run for the nearest escape pods. We’ve all been trained for a variety of emergency situations, but to actually live it—it’s something else entirely, and it doesn’t matter how many times I relive it in my dreams, it never makes it easier.

I’m sprinting down the white hallways, the shiny surface of the floor showing my reflection as my boots pound onto the floor. I turn the corner, and instead of seeing the next corridor I see . . . Maven. She has her back to me, and she is looking over Solitude Ridge’s outlook, the perfect picture of how she looked when she made it to the top. The ship slowly fades away around the edges of my dream as I approach her, and when she turns around to face me, her expression goes from full of happiness to confusion as she takes me in.

“Renn?” she asks, looking me over slowly.

I glance down and see my uniform, the dark-blue, form-fitting outfit made of sleek material, with my badge engraved with the insignia of my rank on my right shoulder. I look back up, meeting her confused, bright eyes.

“Maven, I can explain.”

She steps backward, putting a hand up. “Who are you?” she asks, her voice trembling.

“Maven. Please,” I beg, reaching for her, but she keeps moving backward toward the edge.

“Who are you?” she screams, her eyes full of fear.

“Maven! Stop!” I reach for her, but she disappears over the side of the cliff. I leap to catch her, but instead of falling over the edge with her . . . there are hands on my shoulders shaking me.

“Renn! Renn, wake up!”

I open my eyes, sitting up in a panic. Maven is kneeling beside me, her eyes wide in shock and worry. My heart races, a trickle of sweat on my brow.

“Renn?” I calm myself enough to focus; her hand rests on my arm. When I look down at it, she pulls it away, quickly standing. “Let me get you some water. I’ll be right back.”

I don’t say anything, still trying to catch my breath as she swiftly leaves the tent. Based on the light I can see through the tent walls, it appears to be the very early hours of the morning, meaning most of the camp is still asleep, or at least I hope they still are. Maven quietly enters the tent again, handing me a canteen. Avoiding her eyes as I remove it from her hands, taking a long drink of the cold, crisp water inside.

She kneels next to me again, her movements slow. When I pry my lips away from the canteen, I finally allow myself to look at her. I didn’t know what I would find in her blue haze stare, but I discover genuine concern without a hint of judgment.

“I’m sorry,” I say, my voice barely above a whisper.

Her brows furrow. “Sorry? You don’t need to be sorry about anything, Renn.” She stares at me for a beat or two before she goes on. “All I want to know is if you’re okay.”

I take a deep breath, thinking of what to say, wondering what she heard or saw. My vulnerability is now on full display, but instead of feeling uneasy about it, with Maven beside me, I feel relief. I decide to tell her the truth, or at least a part of it.

“I have nightmares. Sometimes they’re minor . . . sometimes worse.”

Maven moves to sit down fully next to me, bringing her knees to her chest. The action stirs something in me.

I pause a moment before I continue. “It’s usually the same dream every time. A day from my past, but this time, it was different.” Maven keeps her cool, comforting gaze on me. “I saw you . . .” I start to say, but look down at my hands. I hear her breathing change slightly. “I saw you standing at the edge of the overlook, and you . . .” I bite my lip, wondering if I should go on. “You fell.” I close my eyes at the last word, rubbing the heels of my hands into my temples to push out the image.

“I heard you,” she whispers. “I heard you say my name.” She takes my hand, gripping it tight as she looks at me so intensely, I don’t dare look away. “Do you want to talk more about it?”

I exhale a breath, studying her face.

“It’s okay, Renn,” she adds.

My voice is caught in my throat for a moment, but I manage to speak. “I don’t know if I can.”

Maven smiles sadly at me. “I’m sorry. I wish I could think of something better to say, but I mean it. I’m so sorry.”

I believe her, because in the short time I’ve come to know her, she has somehow irrevocably changed me. Because for the first time in a long time, I feel seen.

“I’m not going to lie, I wish the first time you dreamt of me wasn’t a nightmare. Maybe next time you could make it a happier one?” she says through a smirk. I smile wide at her as I sit up more, bringing my face closer to hers. Her smile fades slightly, but her eyes stay bright.

“I never said that was the first time I dreamt of you. Sometimes I have very good dreams,” I say with a wink, and she gasps, hitting me in the shoulder.

“There he is,” she says, laughing. We smile at one another for a moment. “Well, we still have a few more hours until sunlight breaks. Try to get some sleep,” she says, standing.

But before she leaves, I quickly say, “Maven.” She pauses, turning to me. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” She smiles at me warmly then leaves the tent.

I lie there, staring at the top of the tent before coming to the conclusion that I’m not going to go back to sleep. My body is electrified with tension—the good kind. After some time, I quietly slip on a jacket and boots before heading outside. The woods are dreamy and dark, waiting for the morning sun to break over the mountain tops. I walk through the camp, light on my feet, and head toward the lookout point to watch the sunrise. I find a smooth, wide rock to lie down on so I can look directly up into the sky, watching the stars slowly fade.

I can’t shake the nightmare from my mind, but I realize why. Maven’s presence not only calms me, but she’s ignited something: a spark of hope that there could be more to this strange life I’m living. It never gets easier being deceptive. I’m a friend, but always a stranger. A neighbor, but an outsider.

But a dangerous question comes to my mind. What if? What if I could really shake off those chains of my past? It feels like no matter how much time passes, they won’t ever let me go. It’s been five long years, and nothing has happened, no one has found me. And I realize, staring up into the stars, that maybe there’s no one looking for me in that great night sky—not anymore.

Maybe all this time, what I was truly looking for is right in front of me. And that is perhaps the most frightening realization of all.