Chapter Nineteen
One week later
Briley sat outside Satan’s Bar, drinking green tea and staring at the mountains. She was all bundled up against the early September chill, the blanket that Dux had gently wrapped around her shoulders now hiding her somber, sober black dress.
It had been a beautiful funeral, she supposed, as much as one could be and considering that Rebel had died a slow and painful death… all because of her stupid fucking ID that she’d dropped.
Everyone had told her over and over that it wasn’t her fault, that Crusher and Michael had had a plan in place for ages. All they were looking for was an opportunity, an opening – it could have been anything at all, and the two goons who followed Rebel would have just followed someone else. She’d have been grabbed up one way or another, no doubt about it. Nothing she did or didn’t do was going to stop it.
Logically, Briley knew this was all absolutely correct; emotionally, she couldn’t seem to get on board with any of it. All she knew was that she’d killed Gideon, she’d pissed off Michael royally, she’d led those two kidnapping pricks straight to the twins’ house, she’d opened the door to Rebel.
She didn’t think she’d be able to survive the guilt of her shitty decisions and actions. Not this time. The twins had begged her to stay in Denver for a while, at least until the babies were born, and she’d reluctantly agreed, a decision mostly driven by that very guilt.
“Hey. I thought you might be hungry.”
She looked up at Elle holding a plate of delicious-looking and -smelling food, and blinked a bit. It occurred to Briley that she hadn’t eaten that day, despite Dux and Drake begging her to have something before the funeral. She knew that she’d just promptly throw it all right back up or, worse, she’d lose all control and vomit at some crucial point in the ceremony. She hadn’t wanted that. She owed Rebel that one last bit of respect.
“Ummmm.” Her voice came out hoarse and Briley cleared her throat; it came to her now that she hadn’t spoken to anyone for almost five hours. “I’m not really, but I’d better have something.”
“You should.” Elle padded over, set the plate on the small wooden table. “I know it’s cheesy and probably annoying to say, but you’re eating for three, hon. Those babies need some nourishment.”
“I know. You’re right.” Briley sighed. “This isn’t just about me.”
“Not anymore. Not for a while.”
Briley took a bite of the best veggie wrap even assembled, then looked up at Elle; she took in the shadows under her eyes, the strain around her mouth. She knew that Elle had taken over the kitchen full-time since Rebel’s death, and although the food coming out was amazing, she had to be tired.
“You OK?” Briley asked her. “I mean, you’re obviously not, stupid question. But what I mean is, how are you finding the extra work?”
Elle shrugged those slim, graceful shoulders, brushed her dark hair off her forehead. “It’s not actually any extra at all. Wolf took me off cleaning duties and he hired a new woman to do all of that, so now I’m just in the kitchen. Same number of hours, just different work. Well, not totally different, but you know what I mean. It’s food prep and cooking only, no more vacuuming the back rooms, or prising God-knows-what off the bar floor with a chisel.”
“Is that – do you like it better?”
“Oh, for sure.” Elle sighed. “I mean, I love cooking and baking, normally. But I’ve come to see that what I loved about it here – a bit part of it, anyway – was working with… with Rebel. He was an incredible kitchen manager, a great guy.”
“I’ve heard,” Briley said quietly. “Dux and Drake have told me about him.”
Elle gave her a sharp look. “It’s not your fault, Briley. You know that, right?”
“Well.” Briley looked away from the other woman’s dark purple eyes, looked hard at the plate, suddenly not as keen on the food as she had been a few seconds before. “I know everyone keeps telling me that.”
Elle studied her, then said, “You know that if it was your fault, then it was mine too.”
Startled, Briley stared at Elle. “Uh… how’s that?”
“You’re joking.”
“No. Not at all.”
“OK,” Elle said crisply. “How’s this, then: I’m the one who escaped the cult and climbed into Viking’s van, which led me here to Denver, which brought The Road Devils to the attention of Gideon. I’m also the one who thoughtlessly waltzed out of the clubhouse early one morning on a quick food-run without telling Viking, and so I’m the one who got scooped up and dragged back to Gideon. I’m the one who needed rescue – this is where you finally came into the picture in a big way, as you may recall – and so you had to risk life and limb and walk into that compound and get me out. I’m the one who actually started this whole goddamn mess, and if you see it that way, you’ll realize that you didn’t make an appearance until about the third act of this fucking twisted play. You’re not the main character, Briley, and you haven’t driven the action in any significant way – I am and I have.”
“Wait – no –”
“Yes. Fucking yes .” Elle sighed again. “Look… we can do this all day and night, and start again tomorrow. I can take the blame, you can take the blame. Viking can for bringing me here, Wolf can for letting me stay, Ice can for not clocking the connection between Michael and Crusher sooner than he did. Dux and Drake can too, for having you stay at their place that night. Even Rebel can, since he insisted on bringing you that ID instead of letting me and Viking do it. You get me, Briley? We all can, in our own ‘let’s-split-hairs’ and ‘rummage through the past with tunnel vision’ ways, so you’d better get your head on straight, and soon. If you don’t, your totally unjustified guilt is going to eat you up… and those babies need their mother to be as healthy as possible, and that includes mentally.”
“I –” Briley paused, took a breath. “I see what you’re saying.”
“You see or you agree?”
“I see.” Briley bit her lip. “I’ll – I’ll work on agreeing.”
“That’s a start.” Elle gave her a real smile now. “The truth is that you’ll find your life here a whole lot easier if you can change your mind, even just a little bit. Even just about one thing.”
“You’re probably right.”
“OK. Eat.” Elle nodded at the plate, took a small stab at levity. “Don’t make me send the boys out here.”
Briley watched the other woman go back into Satan’s, then turned her eyes back to the mountains. She ate slowly, gazing at the astonishing landscape, her mind racing the whole time.
The truth… let’s think about that for a little while, huh?
The truth was that she liked Elle very much, and not just her. She liked Zoe and Jo and Wolf and Cole and Silver; she liked everyone , even the cold and menacing Ice, who’d come through for her back at the compound, and then had rumbled the Michael/Crusher link and raised the alert as soon as humanly possible.
And of course, Dux and Drake. Her feelings for them were oddly complex and mixed-up, while also being crystal-clear and pure.
The easy truth was that they were the strongest, kindest sexiest men that she’d ever known, and she was blessed to be carrying their babies. She knew that. She also knew that they were going to stand by her and behind her every second of this pregnancy, and after too. They wanted nothing more than to be Dads to these children – and they told her that they’d be as involved as she allowed them to be. They hoped that that would be fully, utterly, totally.
The less-easy truth was that Briley had complicated feelings about being here in Denver, here with The Road Devils, here with all the history of Gideon and the Garden staring her in the face every time she looked at Elle. She felt like she was just hanging around a graveyard with a bunch of half-buried problems and events, things with sharp enough teeth to still bite, and enough breath left in them to still wound.
She wanted to stay here with Dux and Drake, with Zoe and Scars, with all of them. She really did, even if it was just for a few months. But she also couldn’t live among a bunch of only-half-dead issues – and especially not if she wanted to bring new life into this ungodly mess. Some might optimistically see the babies’ births as an exorcism or cleansing baptism of sorts, and Briley was trying hard to do just that. She’d spent the past week trying to convince herself that new life would wipe out the ugliness and sins of the old one.
As she sat here now, though, she knew the truth. The real one, the hard one. The fucking heartbreaking one.
“Hey, darlin’.”
“You OK, babe?”
At the voices speaking in their usual unison, Briley turned and stared them. They gazed right back at her, wearing matching expressions of seriousness and worry on their gorgeous faces. Then, quick as a knife-flick, they looked at each other and had one of those totally-silent conversations. When they turned those amazing blue eyes back to her face, she knew that they knew.
She opened her mouth to say something – to apologize, to explain, to defend, to beg for forgiveness – but she didn’t get a chance to say anything at all. Not that she knew what to say, really.
“Nah, babe,” Dux said gently. “Don’t. We understand why you have to leave.”
“How can you?” Her voice broke. “I’m taking your children away from you because I can’t stand to be here. How is that something that you understand when I barely understand it myself?”
“Because we’ve seen you this past week,” Drake said simply. “You look haunted.”
She started, stunned yet again how it seemed that they could read her mind. How the actual hell did they know she’d been thinking about drifting half-buried corpses, about feeling their chilly fingers clawing and clutching at the babies? In her worst, most terrified moments, she was convinced that she’d lose them both to the darkness swirling around her.
“I’m – I’m sorry,” she choked out. “I didn’t want to do this to you. I really tried…”
“We know,” Dux told her. “We’ve watched you fight to settle here, to look past all the shit that hurts you. But it’s not good for you – for any of the three of you – and you’ve got a whole life back in Pennsylvania that you love and that’s waiting for you. A beautiful house, a job, friends.”
“We’ll pay for everything that you and the babies need,” Drake added. “We’ll visit every month, more often if you need us to. We’ll – we’ll figure this out, OK?”
“OK,” she whispered. “Thank you.”
They smiled at her now, and the smiles almost reached their eyes. Then Dux said:
“One more thing, babe. Something that we haven’t been able to say yet.”
“What’s that?”
“We wanted to tell you how sorry we are.”
“ You’re sorry?” Briley said, incredulous that they felt that way after the series of bombs that she’d dropped into their lives. “What the hell for?”
“Because you had to save yourself, darlin’,” Drake said quietly. “You needed us – all three of you did – and we weren’t there for you that night. We failed you.”
“No –” she protested, horrified. “You –”
“We couldn’t protect any of you,” Dux said. “And we’re sorry, babe. So fucking sorry.”
“You didn’t fail us,” she said, more loudly. “You didn’t let us down. You’ve been nothing but amazing, and I mean right from the beginning. The compound, and helping me find a home, and putting down your own money to make sure that I got it. Every second that we spent in bed together…”
“Well.” Drake gave her that trademark charming grin. “Not just in bed.”
Bang on cue, Briley blushed, thinking about the kitchen. Lord , she’d never be able to look at it again without remembering Dux between her splayed thighs, Drake kissing her and teasing her nipples.
Focus, Briley. Focus .
“Ahem. Yes.” She gave her head a tiny shake. “Not just… ummm. Anyway. Yes. Uh, so… I was saying… ummm…” She found the conversational thread again and grabbed it. “I was saying that since I showed up here out of the blue and told you about the twins, you’ve been nothing but supportive and in it with me, no qualifications or reservations. You get me? You guys have nothing, nothing , to be sorry for.”
“Well, let’s agree to disagree on that one, babe.” Dux gently traced the curve of her cheekbone. “Just know that we couldn’t help or protect you then, but it’ll be the last time that ever happens. We’re here for you, and that’s the end of it. Anything you need.”
“Actually, I do need something right now.”
“What’s that?”
She gave them a tremulous smile, her heart already breaking clean in two at the knowledge that by this time tomorrow, she’d be alone in her little house. Well, kind of alone. “A hug?”
As one, they pulled her to her feet and tugged her into those incredible arms, the ones that made her feel like she was in the best place on earth. She closed her eyes, really felt these men’s bodies surrounding her, and just like that, she was back in that restaurant, back in her bed, back in her kitchen, back in Dux's bed. Every single time that she’d ever been held by them flashed through her mind like a movie that was wildly sexy but also safe, and to be honest, their arms were both of those things. And more.
And it was all over now.