33. Chapter 33
Chapter thirty-three
The air was suffocating with so many unspoken words and so many unanswered questions. I didn’t know what to say. What could I even say? I wanted to apologize for my father and for stupidly asking him to cut me, but anything I said would be too hollow, too insignificant when compared to the damage done.
I turned away from Sin, unable to avoid looking at his back and seeing all the blood my father was responsible for.
Since I couldn’t take the silence either, I asked the first question that came to mind.
“How often?”
“About once a lunar cycle,” he replied slowly, as if afraid the words would upset me.
He was right.
“Oh, God,” I gasped out, dropping my head to my hands. Once a month. Once a month he had to carve up his back to keep his secret. And if he was seventy-seven that meant… I didn’t want to know the answer. Didn’t want to do the math. Whatever the number, it was too many. Too many times he had been forced to endure this.
“The fenite flakes Corym puts on my back help. They cause some pretty awful scars, but it takes longer for the ramentum to fully reappear that way. They always come back though. They’re part of me, part of my magic, and this is the only way to keep them hidden. I cannot risk that I might get injured in training, and a healer would need to remove my shirt.”
I let out a bitter laugh. “This is what you meant the other day, isn’t it? When you said you had grown somewhat desensitized to the fenite.”
Sin exhaled, and his breath tickled the back of my ear.
I wanted so badly to turn around. To take him in my arms and hold him until this world wasn’t so awful anymore.
But the world would always be awful. His world. My world. It was all the same. Everyone suffered in the end.
Shoring up my nerves, I shifted around to face him then, bracing myself for the sight of his back but knowing he deserved a comforting presence. I wouldn’t abandon him no matter how difficult it was.
I gave him a sad smile. “I guess I can’t complain about my scars anymore, can I?”
Sin’s lip curled up into a smirk, and he ran a hand down the side of my face. He rested his thumb on my bottom lip, and I had to resist the urge to open my mouth and capture it.
“Don’t worry, Fea Remia. I have complete faith that you'll find something else to complain about.”
I laughed as I sank against the couch, allowing my head to fall beside his on the soft fabric. The heaviness in the room had lifted, and my body felt a little lighter. If Sin could make jokes, he would be okay.
Nothing outside of this room would ever be okay again, but at least for now, we could hide from the world.
“I’m proud of you, you know,” Sin said, taking my chin with two fingers and gently tilting my head toward his.
“Why?” I asked, feeling wholly unworthy of the light shining in his eyes.
“Because you didn’t panic,” he whispered, leaning forward to brush his lips against mine, gentle, inquisitive, as if giving me the chance to pull away. “You got a little angry, sure.” Another feather light kiss. “And I have to admit watching you rough up Corym was a little hot.” A deeper kiss. “But you kept your cool. You didn’t break down.” Even deeper. “I’m so proud of you.”
I couldn’t take it anymore. Curling my hand around the back of his neck, I let myself sink into his kiss. I groaned as he parted his lips, and my tongue slipped in to meet his.
He kissed me like it was our first time. I kissed him like I was drowning, and he was my only source of air.
“Wait,” I said breathlessly, forcing myself to pull away. “Not like this. You’re lying on the couch unable to move, and I have your blood on my hands.”
“Seems to be a common theme with us,” he replied, laughing. “One of these days I’ll kiss you and neither of us will end up bleeding.”
One of these days.
His words had a sobering effect, and I tried to mask the uncertainty I felt.
'One of these days' implied a future.
'One of these days' implied there was something real happening between us.
'One of these days' reminded me that he said he loved me. Even if he knew I couldn’t understand it at the time.
I picked at the blood drying on my fingers and couldn’t help but feel like it was a sign.
I cleared my throat. “So, um, what happens now?” When he gave me a wicked grin, I clarified, “With your back, I mean. Can I help somehow?”
Sin twisted his body a few times. “I think I’m mostly healed. I would appreciate it if you could go find Corym so he can clean me up. I don’t want to drip all over his antique Parellan rug. This thing was crafted before Rivella was sealed off from the rest of Vitaea, so I can’t exactly buy him a new one.”
I cast him a withering glare. “If that’s all you need, then I think I can handle washing your back, Sin.”
He propped himself up on his elbows and matched my scowl with his own. “Go get Corym, Rain. I don’t want you to see how bad it looks under all that blood.”
“How bad it looks?” I folded my arms and let out a mirthless laugh. “So what, I show you my back, but I can’t see yours? I doubt it’s that much worse.”
“Gods dammit, Rain,” he growled. “This is not a competition to see which one of us is more fucked up.”
“Good, cause I’d win,” I snarked bitterly.
A strangled sound escaped Sin, and he collapsed face first onto the sofa. “Shen’Valla take me now,” he muttered. “Are you always this difficult?”
“Are you?” I shot back. When he didn’t respond I started searching the room. It didn’t take long to find the small bucket of water and stack of hand towels Corym had tucked behind the sofa. I knelt by Sin’s back and said, “You can grumble all you want, Sin, but you told me my scars didn’t make me disgusting. Well guess what? Neither do yours.”
He mumbled something under his breath that sounded vaguely like consent, so I dipped a towel in the water and started to mop up the pool of blood.
My hands trembled slightly as I made the first pass over his back. There was so much blood that it saturated the towel, and I had to wring it out in the bucket, turning the water from crystal clear to a sickening shade of pink that only got darker as I continued.
Sin shifted on the sofa, twisting his head to look back at me. “I don’t suppose you’ll talk to me now? It would help keep my mind off what you’re doing back there.”
“Maybe,” I said, cautiously. “What did you want to talk about? Personally, I want to discuss why you quote my favorite movie all the time or, better yet, let’s discuss how you knew about my anxiety medication. Either of those sound good?”
I returned my attention to the task at hand, finally clearing enough blood away to see what was underneath. The ropey muscle was no longer visible, and the last edges of the deep cuts were slowly knitting back together before my eyes. I ran my fingers lightly over his back and down the mess of peaks and valleys. His skin was a topographical map of suffering. I would never say a word about my back again. At least I could forget about my scars most of the time. But Sin? He had to reopen his every month. They would never fade, the edges would never soften. It would always be a fresh new hell from which he couldn't escape.
I looked down and saw him watching me closely. Wiping away any trace of pity, I gave him a weak smile. “So? What did you decide for the topic of conversation?”
“You,” he whispered. “You said no one translated Fea Remia for you. Care to elaborate?”
I had really hoped he would forget about that. Me and my damn mouth.
“Sin, I don’t think this is the best conversation to have when I’m wiping blood off your back.” Or ever, if I could possibly avoid it.
He craned his neck to look further over his shoulder. “Looks like you’re about done to me. Seems like a great time.”
I narrowed my eyes at him as I wiped the last of the blood from his back and tossed the towel back in the water tub. “How come you get to keep so many secrets, but I can’t have just one?”
“Because I want to know everything about you,” he said, shifting onto his side and tucking his arm under his cheek. If I thought passionate and intense Sin was hot, then casual, relaxed Sin was a whole other form of torture. It was so rare to see him as anything other than angry or distant, but now, with him stretched out, lounging on the sofa… I could almost picture us as a real couple, back in my apartment in Jersey about to watch a movie on a Friday night.
The thought tugged at my heart and I had to look away from him. He didn’t belong in my world any more than I belonged in this realm of magic and fantastical creatures. If for even a second I started imagining him in my real life then…
I couldn’t go there. It wasn’t an option. I still had to walk away from him at the end.
“How about an exchange?” he asked when I had been silent for too long. “Ask me one question, any question. If, and that’s a strong if, I am able to answer it, I will.”
He sat up on the sofa to make room for me, but I kept to my end. Touching him right now was a bad idea.
“Okay…” I had spent enough time with Sin. I could play this game of half-truths and evasion. I racked my brain, sifting through all the things I wanted to know about him. There were so many, and yet I had to pick only one.
To spare myself a mental breakdown from over-analyzing my options, I went with the first one that solidified. “Why the Wizard of Oz?” I blurted out. “I mean, how do you know it well enough to be quoting it all the time? I doubt you spent your trips to my realm watching old movies instead of searching for me.”
Sin leaned back against the couch and closed his eyes. “That is dangerous knowledge to have, Rain. You still have the chance to walk away from this. From me.” He opened his eyes, and something like fear lurked in their depths. “If I tell you… everything will change.”
I met his inquisitive gaze with my own resilience. “Everything has already changed, Sin.”
And I wasn’t even talking about his secret. I was talking about him, us. As much as I knew that I should run and leave all this behind, that ship had sailed the second I first kissed him and realized that nobody ever had or would make me feel the way he did.
“I suppose you’re right,” he admitted. “You want to know how I know the Wizard of Oz so well?” he asked cautiously, as if giving me one last chance to back out.
I nodded my head, and the explanation fell from his lips in a shower of pretty words that destroyed everything I had ever known about him.
“I know it so well because you know it so well,” he started slowly. “You went to that old rundown movie theater at least a few times a year to watch it, and many times I was lucky enough to be there with you, sitting a few rows back. It let me feel connected to you, to share something you loved so much. The truth is, Rain, I found you when you were fifteen. It was winter and snow dusted the streets, but you didn’t even have a decent coat on. I watched you leave the foster home you were staying in and walk over an hour to that theater. You couldn’t stop shaking, but you never once ducked into a store or restaurant to warm up. You had a destination, and you were determined to get there. I couldn't help but admire you from the first time I laid eyes on you.
“I had to know where you were going that was so important you would suffer to get there, so I followed you. I barely caught any of the film that first time because I spent the entire movie watching you, marveling at all the emotions you displayed— fascination, sadness, a longing to be anywhere else. I knew then that I couldn’t bring you here. You would have fallen for this place, Rain. You would have been like Dorothy, captivated by the land of Oz, only you wouldn’t get the happy ending. So I told myself I would watch over you and wait until you were older, let you live a little first.
“I lied to Verren every time I returned, insisting I still hadn’t found you yet. For ten years I kept you safe from this place, witnessing your evolution from the awkward teenager I first met into this incredibly fierce woman. It was the night you moved into that awful apartment with your sister, and I saw pure joy on your face for the first time, that I stopped lying to myself about ever being able to bring you here. You weren’t an innocent creature anymore, and yet I knew I would still die to keep you from being harmed. Every night after that it got harder and harder to walk away from you.” He swallowed deeply. “I don’t know if I can keep walking away from you.”
My heart thundered in my chest, beating too fast, too hard, keeping my entire body on edge. After everything he just told me, I should have had a million questions. And yet there was only one that mattered.
“Why do you need to walk away?”
Pain contorted Sin’s face as if my question physically hurt him.
“Because I’m not a good male, Rain. I’ve done things that no amount of time can ever erase. You have endured so much already, and I can’t bring myself to cause you more suffering. I will never be worthy of you… but I might not be strong enough to resist you either.”
His words, more meaningful than a hundred sonnets, melted into my skin, embedding themselves deep within my heart. He saw all the broken pieces of me and felt that he was the unworthy one. It was too much. I was teetering on the precipice of a bottomless chasm. One wrong move, one wrong word, and I would be gone.
But as I stared into his icy green eyes, I realized that I didn’t have to fall.
I could jump.
So I did.
The kiss was not a gentle meeting of the lips. The kiss was flame and fire and I would happily let it burn me alive.
Sin hesitated only briefly before his hands snaked around my back, clutching my body tightly against him as he pulled me into his lap. My fingers wound through his hair, feeling like they belonged there tangled up in the soft darkness that was Sin.
I pushed him back against the couch, pulling my tunic over my head and grinding my hips deeper into him. The heat spread from our lips, and I could feel it burning through my entire body, begging for a release that only he could give. I craved the feel of his body on mine more than I craved sunlight or air. I wanted to remove every layer that separated us until there was only my skin and his.
I felt like I might burst into flame if he wasn’t inside me within the next few seconds.
“Sin,” I gasped, pulling away from his mouth and rolling my hips again. “I want…” I couldn’t finish the sentence. I knew exactly what I wanted, but the words fought me. They struggled to stay inside my brain. This was a bad idea for a thousand different reasons, and I should definitely stop before it went too far. Maybe it had already gone too far because I couldn't bring myself to crawl off him.
“What do you want, Fea Remia?” he whispered, leaning forward to sprinkle kisses down my throat.
I arched into him, baring my neck and chest. His lips continued their journey south, and I cried out as his teeth nipped at the soft skin above my collarbone. His bite was lightning that shot straight from his mouth downward to ignite my core.
“I need you to tell me what you want, Rain,” he whispered as he licked the mark he left on my neck. “I need to know that all of you wants this.” His hands slid from my back up the sides of my ribcage, sending tingles dancing across my skin, and I could feel them settle just below my bra. His fingers tightened around the edges of the ribbon that held it in place, but he didn’t pull. He kissed his way back up to the outer edge of my ear and breathed out, “Are you with me, Fea Remia?”
Sin’s scent washed through me and drowned each and every reason we shouldn’t be together. He was a thundering ocean that would drag me under and never let go, lost forever to his dark storm.
“I’m with you, Dreisin. Every single part of me wants this. Wants you.”
His eyes went molten, and he yanked on the ribbons. The bra fell apart, scraps of fabric dropping to my sides to expose my aching breasts to him.
“Decoria,” he murmured, as he ran his tongue lightly over one peaked nipple.
I didn’t care what the word meant so long as he kept doing what he was doing. I writhed underneath him, the desperation inside me boiling up too fast, too hot.
“I need to feel you, Sin,” I begged, and I barely recognized my own voice so thickly laced with need and desire. Gripping his bare shoulders tightly, I rubbed my pulsing core against his thick length.
“I want this to last, Fea Remia,” he insisted, his left hand cupping my breast tightly as he flicked my nipple with the tip of his tongue. “Do you have any idea how long I’ve dreamt about this? How many nights I’ve touched myself, imagining that it was you?” He shifted over to my other breast, and I moaned unabashedly as his teeth grazed the sensitive skin there. “I didn’t think I would ever get to have you. And now that I do…” He rose up to press his lips roughly against my own. A kiss that was punishing yet promising at the same time. “...I fully intend to take my time.”
His words added fuel to an already blazing need, the throbbing between my legs beating in time to my racing pulse. “I… I can’t wait, Sin. I need you.” I fumbled at the strings on his breeches that kept me from what my body hungered for most.
A soft groan escaped from Sin’s lips. He gripped me tightly, rolled us, and pressed me into the sofa, settling himself between my thighs.
He gazed down at me greedily, and I swallowed, ready for him to unleash the passion I’d gotten only the smallest taste of that day in the weapons room.
It was almost painful when he pulled back to survey the small room. I needed his focus on me. I needed him to quench the flames that licked at my skin.
“You deserve better than this,” he said softly, his breath hot against my neck. “Close your eyes.”
I obeyed, if only out of fear that he might stop touching me if I didn’t.
He tensed for a moment, then his body relaxed back into mine. “Now open them.”
I gasped. The small, dark room forgotten at the bottom of a castle was gone. Instead of a cracked ceiling, an endless blue sky stretched out behind Sin. The loud crash of waves echoed through my ears, and I twisted my head to look out at the ocean that spread for miles. We were high above it on the edge of a vast cliff. Birds chirped pleasantly, and a round stone tower rose up in the distance. “The Cliffs of Moher,” I breathed out. Everything looked exactly like the image that had been my laptop screensaver for years.
“Look at me, Rain,” Sin commanded, his voice rough, textured, and I was helpless to do anything but. “I told you that I’m an amplissario. Healing. Water.” He exhaled. “And illusion.”
There was so much hesitancy in his words as if he feared I might be upset by his ability. But how could anyone hate a power that produced such enchanting beauty?
“It’s incredible,” I breathed out, pulling my gaze from him to stare at the realistic wonder around us.
“I can’t take you away from here, Fea Remia,” he said, drawing me back to him with a kiss to my neck. “Illusions are all I have to offer you.” A kiss to my breast. “You deserve so much more than me.“ Then to my stomach. “But I’m selfish.” A slide of his tongue across the skin below my navel. “And I’m going to claim you anyway.”
The entire world tilted when Sin yanked my panties and leggings down with one swift movement. There was only a second of chill against my overheated skin before he dipped his head and flicked his tongue against the tight bundle of nerves that was the source of all my wanting.
“Sin!” I cried out, my hips bucking against his face as the searing warmth between my legs threatened to consume me. My body writhed under the sensual assault of his tongue that only increased in speed the louder I moaned.
My eyes squeezed shut, and I was lost to the sensation, his carefully constructed illusion taking a backseat to the pleasure.
He slipped a finger inside me, and the flames under my skin flared hotter. I rolled my hips over and over again, riding his hand as he added a second finger, stretching me even wider.
My body was a blazing inferno, and if I didn’t release the fire soon it would incinerate me from the inside out.
“I’m burning up, Sin,” I panted as his tongue and fingers worked together to push me to the brink of furious ecstasy.
His fingers slipped out of me, and I whimpered at their sudden absence. I was so close to the edge. Too close. I wanted to walk straight into his fire and let it take me.
“Look at me, Rain,” his rough voice growled, and my eyes shot open.
He grinned wickedly. “Burn for me, baby.”
Then he ran his tongue straight up through the center of me.
“Sin!” Fire exploded inside me with the intensity of a volcanic eruption, flames dancing over every inch of skin as I gave in to the heat and let it consume me.
It was hot.
Too hot.
I was burning too bright, and I couldn’t stop it.
“Rain!” Sin cried out, the fear in his voice so strong that it cut through the haze of the orgasm that still rolled through me.
I forced my eyes open. I was definitely burning.
Only the fire wasn’t inside me anymore.