The Earl and the Wedding Crasher (The Brides of Elderglen #3)

Chapter 17

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

" M y lady," Ellis said, a trifle impatiently. "My lady may I draw your attention to your toilette?"

Louisa glanced up at her maid briefly before looking dreamily back at her reflection. She had barely dressed so far this morning and the matter of her hair was keeping Ellis at her side, increasingly agitated at the lack of direction.

How could Louisa make choices on menus or hair or even which poplin to put on right now? In the afternoon yesterday, hidden in that little closet to have been held like Cedric had held her, to have been kissed like that! Like I was desirable , she thought to herself, holding the thought as carefully as if it were a precious jewel. Like I was precious to him .

She had barely slept all night and she still felt as though she had contracted a fever of some sort. Her face had remained flushed and warm for hours, her brain distracted and confused. How could one touch send her senses reeling like his had? How could one single interaction so completely change everything?

His eyes had always captured her own but in the dim lighting of the small room they had been in there had been a fire there that she was not used to from her cool and charmingly reserved husband. There had been passion in his words as he rejected her friendship, and even though that had the power to hurt her there had been something so desperate about his kiss, about his argument that it did not feel as though she were being rejected.

Rather there was something more between them. It had been very late in the night when it had come to her at last, the soft realization blooming in her chest. The way he kept her attention and she wanted to please him, no, more than that. It was not just a desire to appease a husband who could control her life, she wanted him to be - happy with her. To like her, or more than that she wanted him to be proud of her. She wanted to help him with the children not just for the children but also for him, the strange confusing man who always pushed her away before she could see all of his heart.

I love him she had thought to herself, hugging her arms around her torso in an attempt to keep the feeling inside her instead of bursting out in a shout. I love Cedric Pembroke .

"My lady!" Ellis broke through her thoughts again, expression now concerned. "My lady are you well? Are you sickening for something?"

"No," Louisa said, then strengthened her toner when she saw her maid's face drop further at her dazed and distracted voice. "No, Ellis. I am quite well, thank you. I am simply tired. What were you saying?"

"I was suggesting you try this day dress for today, my lady, the color suits your eyes," Ellis gestured to a light green day dress with a simple cut and Louisa smiled and nodded though she could not have cared less what she put on this morning.

"Very well. Something simple for my hair too, please." She would miss breakfast if they took much longer and she did not want to miss seeing Cedric this morning. Would he be different with her? Would they have a chance to talk about themselves, their feelings?

What would it do for their family to finally have her and her husband bonded with these feelings, this burgeoning love? Would he want to spend more time with her - surely he would!

Ellis cleared her throat and Louisa brought her mind sternly back to the matter at hand and getting ready for the day. There would be time for asking questions and understanding the new world that love would open up for her and her husband after she was out of her bedchamber.

"Aunt Louisa!" Abigail waved her over to the breakfast table, a smile on her tiny little face that was still a surprise and delight to see. "Aunt Louisa you're here!"

Kenneth was on his second bowl of milk and bread but managed a cheerful wave at her as he tried to both eat an entire spoonful of breakfast and ask Miss Lyle for more strawberries at the same time.

"Good morning to you too, Abigail darling," Louisa said, smoothing down her dress nervously and scanning the room. Cedric was not present again. After yesterday, after speaking to him about it, after everything she had hoped desperately that he would at last be done with this avoidance. "Have I missed your uncle?"

"He had breakfast in his study again," Abigail said, eyes dropping to her plate. "He's very busy."

Louisa frowned a little, sitting down and pouring herself a small cup of coffee from the silver cafetière. "One should never be so busy that one cannot pause for breakfast," she said, confidingly. "One of my sisters did so once and before we knew it she had developed the habits of a bear and was trying to hibernate. It took us a good deal of time to clear all the berries out of her room and encourage her not to sleep through the winter." She winked and both the children giggled, the small air of disappointment fading as they started to guess what their uncle would be like as a bear.

"He would be the biggest and strongest," Kenneth said, stoutly. "Bigger and strongerer than any other bears ever!"

"I think he would want to hibernate with Aunt Louisa," Abigail said, peeking at Louisa with a little smile. "I think he would make his cave very safe for them."

"And us too!" Kenneth protested. "We would be very good bear cubs. "

"I wouldn't want to eat a whole fish," Abigail said, wrinkling her nose. "They're cold."

"They would wriggle!"

"It would be tickly," Abigail said, eating a bite of breakfast with impossible grace. "Tickly and cold."

Kenneth laughed. "I'd eat honey and berries, Uncle Cedric can have my fish."

Abigail allowed that she supposed that this would be acceptable. Louisa finished her coffee and kissed both of them on the foreheads before leaving them with the governess. The conversation had barely eased her nerves. If she and Cedric were truly becoming closer, if they cared so for each other why was he still avoiding his family?

Maybe he didn't want their first meeting after their kiss to be in front of the children? Perhaps he would want to kiss her again, Louisa thought with a flush. That might be confusing for the children if it were to suddenly happen in front of them.

No, Cedric was quite right. It was better if their first conversation should happen in the privacy of his study. They would be able to talk freely without worrying about what the children might think. She would be able to tell him how her consideration of him had changed, how she felt now and how she hoped they might -

The hopes were complicated, confused and jumbled together. Louisa felt as though her life's dreams had been swept from her with this marriage, only for her to manage everything she had ever wanted with her little silly list and more besides. To have love and being seen , being wanted in front of her made her feel giddy and a little drunk.

She knocked on the study door and pushed it open at the sound of Cedric's answer, stepping into the study and frowning to find all the drapes closed and the room in near darkness.

"Cedric?" she said softly, spotting him bent over his desk. "My dear, are you well?"

"Louisa?" he barely raised his head. "I am busy. Please go back to your day and leave me be. I have no time for talk."

His voice was stilted, awkward, as though he was trying to be distant but not sure how to make himself make the words. Louisa frowned deeper and crossed to the drapes, drawing them back to let sunlight into the room.

When she turned to look at her husband her heart leapt in her chest in concern. He was still in the clothes he had been wearing yesterday, unshaven with his hair disheveled and such a dark tired look on his face that she thought he might not have slept at all.

"Cedric!" she crossed to him immediately, heart pounding. "Cedric whatever is the matter? What has happened? Can I help you in some way? Is there trouble with the estate?"

He looked at her searchingly, eyes so dark and tired that she felt she might cry for him. She reached out for him and though he stared at her hand he did not evade her, in fact he allowed her to rest her palm on his cheek, even leaned into her touch slightly. His eyes closed a moment and there was a look of such naked relief and wanting on his face that Louisa felt a lance of painful longing go through her.

"My dear?" she said softly, scared and wanting to embrace him at the same time.

His eyes snapped open and he stood so fast he nearly pushed his chair over in his hurry, catching her hand and putting it from him with extreme gentleness and a fever in his eyes that she could not understand.

"I am deeply worried," he said, his voice hoarse. He stepped backwards, putting space between them that she immediately wanted to cross and held up a hand, clearing his throat. "I am worried. I have made a mistake, my lady. A terrible mistake."

Images rushed through her mind, unclaimed children perhaps, babies on the way, a ruined girl looking for justice, all the possible immediate tragedies that might come now to harm them in their happiness. Her hand clutched to her chest, trying to stave away a flood of panic and alarm.

"Whatever it is we can fix it," she said, wishing that she was as certain as her voice. "What has happened?"

He pressed his lips together and turned, so that he was not looking at her and she could only see his profile, his strong jaw and his broad, generous mouth. "It is not something that can be fixed but it is something that can never happen again."

Louisa did not know why but she felt as though she were being crushed by a terrible weight. She took a breath but it felt like not enough for her lungs, like she was waiting for some great calamity to happen. "What happened?" she asked.

"I kissed you," he said, and the blow finally fell.

Cedric did not look at her, he could not. The expression on her face would undo him completely and then they would be starting over. What he needed to do was necessary, the only thing that he could do for the sake of his family and his marriage, but he did not have the strength to watch how she might take it.

"What do you mean?" she asked, her voice fragile and soft.

Cedric clenched his fists tighter, feeling his nails break his skin. "We never should have kissed," he said firmly, almost sternly, clawing for stability in formality that might help him through this. "That is not what our relationship is. I did not intend to give you the impression that there is anything more between us, my lady. I cannot express my regret that I have done so."

"More than what?" Louisa moved to try to see his face, and the glimpse of her own, pale cheeks and troubled gaze sent a barb through him. "I do not understand what you are saying to me. What do we have with each other, Cedric? What are you trying to avoid?"

Cedric moved again, stalking to the window and looking out over the estate that had always been the focus of his family's honor and duty. In his own eyes there was only one thing more important than St Vincent, and that was Abigail and Kenneth. Anything other than that could never be allowed to distract him.

Louisa did not follow, she did not move. Perhaps she felt as frozen by this cold ending to their fledgling affection as he was.

"We have an agreement," he said slowly, keeping his voice brutally even and calm. "A marriage of convenience that exists on paper alone. There can be no feelings between us, Lady St Vincent, no affection. We are business partners in duty, nothing more and nothing less. I believe I made that clear when we wed."

There was a silence so long and heavy that he almost turned to look at her, to ensure that she was all right, but he could not. He must not bend now. He must continue else all was lost.

"Is this how you really feel?" There was something new in her voice, a thread of rage that finally brought him around to look at her. What a sight she was, tears wet on her cheeks but her chin high and her eyes blazing in fury. She was not bowed or broken. He wanted for a moment to cross the gap between them that could only ever get wider and colder after this moment, to kiss her hands and beg her forgiveness.

"This is how I really feel," he said instead, giving her up forever. "I hope you can respect my wishes."

"Oh I can," she said, her lips trembling only for a moment. Her hands were held stiff at her side, and she was so still she might have become a statue if it were not for the rapid rising and falling of her chest. "I will respect your instructions on this matter without fail, my lord. I can only apologize to you for momentarily mistaking you and misunderstanding your intentions. I am sure that you can forgive me, it cannot be the first time that this has happened to you."

The barb was shot coldly and Cedric felt a little surprise at how well she was managing herself, raising only an eyebrow in response.

"You must permit me some time to think on this, however," she continued. "I shall return to my father's house for a few days and spend time with my family amongst those who love me."

Cedric felt those words as though they were a sword through his stomach and stepped once quickly towards her, aching to reach out and catch her to him. "Louisa -"

"It shall not be for long," she continued, pressing on as though he had not spoken, her face so cold and distant, her eyes full of tears but not one dropping down her cheeks. "I ask you not to concern yourself, my lord. I would not think of abandoning the children or St Vincent. I understand my duties and you have nothing to worry about."

She looked at him then, fully in the eyes and all his protests fell away from him. There was fury there yes, but also devastation that matched what he was feeling in his own heart. He could not deny her this solace, he could not forbid her.

He could only watch as she turned and left his office quietly, leaving behind heartache and loss and the knowledge that he had fixed his error by destroying everything that they had built.