The Earl and the Wedding Crasher (The Brides of Elderglen #3)

Chapter 23

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

A s they drew to a stop in the sweeping drive of St Vincent, Cedric thought that he might need to carry Louisa up to the house, she was so pale and quiet. However she managed with a little aid from Collins to dismount the carriage and even walked ahead of him to the house, pausing in the entryway. She didn't meet his eyes, her gaze fixed on the floor at her feet and such an appearance of defeated weariness over her that his heart ached to see it.

"Thank you," she said softly, her tone flat and devoid of feeling. "You have saved me again."

"It was my honor to do so," Cedric said feelingly. "No man should act that way to a lady."

"I shall become too much trouble for you, my lord," Louisa said. She still did not look at him and though her words sounded witty there was none of the warmth that her voice used to hold when they had spoken before all this mess had started. "Excuse me. It has been a trying evening and I need to retire."

She turned, slowly, sluggishly away from him. The life in her had been snuffed out. She had been a curious soul, bright with intelligence and humor and now she was barely a shell of what she had been. The world and his own stupidity had taken all the joy from her and left nothing but a deep tiredness and sorrow.

"Wait," Cedric said quietly, resisting the impulse to dart forwards and steady her on her feet. "Louisa, stay."

"Can we not have this conversation tomorrow, my lord?" she still would not look at him. He wondered if she would ever look on him again. "I cannot handle more this evening. I am not strong enough, sir. I am but flesh and blood. I am too weak."

He nearly let her leave him then, heart hurting for the tremble in her voice. But something told him that if he did not resolve this matter now, tonight, this moment then they might never be brought back together again. The hurt and break between them might set in stone, leaving her lost to him forever.

"Please, Louisa," he said gently, seeing how this made her pause and glance up at him beneath her lashes. Her eyes were pools of grief and fear. He wanted to take her in his arms and make all the sorrow go away, make her safe again but it was not the time for that. Instead he took her hand with infinite carefulness and led her towards the drawing room.

She followed him easily, hand trembling still a little in his grasp and an expression of confused bewilderment on her face as though she could not understand what he was trying to do.

"Sit," he said again gently, guiding her to a plush armchair and sweeping the throw on it over her knees. The warmth would do her good until they could talk things through and then have her taken up to a bath. "Listen to me."

She was finally staring at him full in the face, searching him for any clue of what he was doing but Cedric knew he could not pause to explain himself. Instead he dropped to one knee before her, taking advantage of the absolute shock this caused her to take both hands and catch her gaze with his.

"My dear wife," he said slowly and clearly. "I cannot express enough how glad I am that I came to the garden in time to bring you aid. I am so pleased that you are safe. I will always protect you, Louisa. You can rely on me for that."

A little flush started up her cheeks, the first color he had seen in her face for too long. A spark awoke in her lovely eyes that looked almost like hope. But then she turned her head a little, pulling back from him as though reminding herself that she should not allow them too close. She was crushing that hope herself, he realized, not allowing it to bloom in case he should tear it from her and cause her further pain.

"We were never meant to be -" he started, and then paused, took a steadying breath. He must get this right. There was no space for misunderstandings this time. They must finally understand each other fully. "Louisa. Nothing was ever meant to come before Abigail and Kenneth. I have a duty to them. They were always to be my highest, my only priority in the world."

She pulled back even more, tugging on her hands in rejection of what he was saying, trying to escape him. "You have said so already, my lord. Why do you say so again? You have been perfectly clear to me, I understand -"

"Please." She stopped pulling, her eyes darting again to his own. "Louisa, my wife, my lady I am pleading with you with all my heart. Listen to me before you speak. I must explain this to you. I must help you understand me."

He could see that she was tempted to interject or to flee, but bless her sweet soul she waited for him. If he could only be blessed with his old certainty and charm, but it had never worked on her before. Perhaps only his true honest self ever would.

Louisa was slowly returning to herself, she thought. It was hard to be certain when even as the world began to make a little more sense, Cedric insisted on turning it over on its head. He was knelt before her like a penitent, his grip soft and soothing on her hands. It should have felt confining, like she was yet again trapped by a man would not respect her wishes or care about what she wanted, and yet instead she felt safe. She felt as though he were cradling her with utmost care. She wanted to hear him speak and she was terrified of it at the same time.

Nothing would ever be right again, and yet he was the only one with the power to save them both. Yet surely he would not! She could not hope that he would, she would not put herself through that again. He had made his wishes and his thoughts so clear - and - yet sometimes it did not seem like he believed in them himself.

"I did not have a good relationship with my mother," he said slowly, keeping his eyes trained on her. She could see how he wanted to pull his gaze away to hide himself, to protect himself but he was not doing so. He was allowing her to see it all, all the secret parts of him that he had hidden for so long. "She was - is - a hard woman. My father loved her dearly, but she saw being a countess as her duty and her birthright. It was her job to raise the next Earl and she took this job terribly seriously."

He paused and cleared his throat.

"She trained me on being the perfect gentleman every day. I was not to spend time with tutors or governors, I could only learn from her, who had learned from her mother and father the hallmarks of a true gentleman. If I failed she would scream at me for hours on end, making me stand against a wall with my head high and my back straight." He shivered a little and Louisa stifled a sob in her throat at the thought of a little boy, perhaps no bigger than Kenneth being treated so.

"When Peter was born it made her worse, I do not know why. She suddenly demanded perfection in everything. She started to strike me if I made a mistake, first in the face, then she would shake me or fling me to the floor. My father discovered things when she had started to take his walking stick to me to teach me the errors of my ways. Peter was in the nursery and I was sobbing on the ground in her study, her stood over me looking as though she hated me and everything about me." He paused again, there were no tears in his eyes but a terrible far off distraction as though he were reliving the horrors of that day. "He immediately acted to separate from her, horrified at what she had become but he had to let her take Peter with her. I knew even then that she would treat Peter terribly, that life would be as hellish for him as it had been for me but I did nothing to save him. I got to live with our father, a kind and firm man who raised me well. I never got to see him because my father was frightened of what she might do to me and I did not try. I did not try to find him. I did not try to write to him. When he ran away with his wife, he sent me a letter and I knew as soon as I read it how he had suffered and how happy he was to finally be free. I could have written to him then, invited them to my estate, offered them the love of a brother. I didn't."

Louisa felt as though she were seeing a picture slowly be revealed before her eyes. The stark shame and guilt on her husband's face as he told the story made her heart twist inside her chest with grief for the boy he had been and the man he was now, still blaming himself for choices his parents had made. "Cedric," she said softly, gently. He shook his head, determined to go on.

"The next I heard from him it was that he had died and there were children that my mother was refusing to care for. I loved my brother greatly, but I did not help him until it was too late. I knew as soon as I saw Kenneth and Abigail, as soon as I at last got his second letter asking me to make sure they were well cared for if anything should happen to him and his lady that my whole world was now there. I knew that I should, and I would give them everything that nothing mattered except their happiness. I did not matter so long as they were cared for and well. I didn't see the point in my own life except to protect them and ensure that when they are grown they will be wealthy." Cedric paused, pressing a kiss on the back of her hands with a fervency that took her breath away. "Then things changed, Louisa. You came into my life. You changed us all."

Louisa moved then to her knees in front of him so that they were close enough to almost press their foreheads together. They were finally looking into each other's eyes with no walls, no defenses. She could see the hurt man who had decided that his whole life belonged to the children of his dead brother because of loyalty and guilt and loss. She could see the good man who loved those children with all of his heart. She barely dared to think about it, but she thought perhaps she could see something for herself as well.

"I nearly lost my mind when you were in danger," Cedric murmured, leaning forwards and pressing a kiss to her forehead, a light brush of his lips that made her feel alight in every nerve. "I could not have survived this world without you. I cannot imagine a world without you with me. The days when you were gone were days when this no longer felt like a home. I don't know how you have managed to change my life so quickly but I can feel nothing but gratitude to you for it." Something trembled between them, tender and intimate and so precious that Louisa was scared to move in case it would break. "I love you, Louisa," Cedric said then, kissing her cheek like he was asking for benediction.

All the air that she had been holding in her lungs rushed out of her in a soft gasp of surprise.

He loved her.

He loved her and he was scared.

He saw her and he wanted her.

Cedric met her gaze and leaned in again, keeping his eyes locked with her own as he slowly, tenderly brought their lips together in a kiss that made her melt against him. "All I ask is that you allow me the honor of showing you that our marriage can be real in every way you have ever dreamed of."

Louisa pressed herself into his chest for a moment, clinging to him as desperately as if she might drown otherwise. "Cedric, oh Cedric I love you too. I love you so. Please, please love me."

"I do," he said, kissing her forehead again, then her hair, his arms going around her to pull her to his lap and hold her close and safe. "I love you more than I can say, my love, my sweet wife. I love you more than I have ever loved."

She was weeping now, but they were tears that felt like they were cleansing her. Like they were healing. "I love you more than I knew it was possible to love. I have felt so lost without you, Cedric, so alone."

"Ah sweetheart," he pressed another kiss to her lips gently. "Forgive me. I am new to loving my wife but I promise that I shall work to become better at it."

"You had better work hard, my lord," she said with a weak laugh, leaning her cheek to his. "I intend to be loved by you for many years to come!"

"For all the years we have," he agreed. "For the rest of our lives, Louisa. Forever."