Chapter 12 - BlueEthan
Chapter 12
Blue
My world is irrevocably changed by the time Ethan and I make it back to the car. I don't know that I'll ever get the chance to know him as more than my friend, but that's okay. I'm grateful I have the opportunity to offer him friendship. I'm grateful that he shared his past with me, his heartbreak, and his fears. I’m grateful that he let me in. He let me see him in a deeply intimate way, and I don't think he's ever done that with anyone else. He gifted me with his emotions and his truths, and he’s trusting me to keep them safe. I would never take something like that lightly, and no matter what our futures hold, I'll do everything I can to support him. To help him find himself and build a life that makes him happy.
By the time we make it back to the car, the sun is quickly heading toward the horizon, and I’m more than a little concerned we might miss Gabriel’s performance. I know he’ll understand if I explain where we were, but he’d secretly still be a bit disappointed, and I don’t want to do that to him.
“We’re going to be cutting it close making it back, and trust me on this, you do NOT want to tell Gabriel you’re going to be at one of his shows and then miss it. But I’m starving, so what do you say we just grab something from the first drive-through we pass?”
“That sounds potentially ominous.” Ethan laughs. “But hey, clearly, this is Ethan-takes-risks weekend, so why not?”
I glance over quickly and raise a teasing eyebrow. “Coming to a sleepy little town with me for the weekend was a risk?”
“For me? Ya. It was.” Ethan’s voice is as thick as it was when he spoke about the loss of his family, and for a moment, the fact that we both know just how alone he’s been for so long hangs heartbreakingly heavy between us.
“I mean, you’re all tattooed and shit, so you could still be planning to murder me,” he teases in an attempt to lighten the mood.
“Hey! What about you? You know they say it’s always the quiet ones.” I scoff before leaning over to flick on the radio. He seems to want to enjoy the rest of the evening, even though he must be in complete emotional disarray after the past twenty-four hours, so I do my best to play along by singing as loudly and poorly as possible, the same way Gabriel always sings in the shower, and it only takes a few moments before Ethan is nearly curled up in a ball with tears streaming down his cheeks in laughter. I’ve never seen a more beautiful sight in my life.
I send up a silent prayer of thanks to the food gods when we luck out, and the first drive-through we pass is a small local burger place that more than likely doesn’t usually poison its diners because the drive-through line is long and the dining room crowded. We get a burger and chicken strips, fries and onion rings, and we split everything as we speed back toward town. Ethan feeds me fries as we snake along the narrow, curving roads, and for a few moments, I convince him to sing with me. He lets go of his worry and inhibitions, his voice loud and boisterous and carefree. It’s screechy and horrible and absolutely perfect…until he chokes on a fry, and we both dissolve into laughter once more.
Our drive is levity and laughter and light, and my soul has never felt as free as it does with Ethan by my side. More than anything, I wish the joy and happiness that swirls through me were tangible enough that I could capture them. I want to be able to relive what these moments feel like whenever I want. I want to be able to remind Ethan that these emotions exist when he’s feeling anxious or lonely. I want to keep him with me always so that I can share his pain and his delight. I want to hold his hand and wrap my arm around his shoulders. I want to lie in bed next to him with his knee slipped between mine as evergreen eyes smile at me. I want to protect him. I want to keep him.