The Embrace of Evergreen (Unexpected Love #2)

Chapter 18 - EthanBlue

Chapter 18

Ethan

Blue and Namid are sitting together on my tiny couch when Jayce and I walk through the door, and Blue bolts to his feet the moment he sees me. It’s hard to look at him because I know that a few hours in the woods haven’t magically fixed me, and I’m still not okay. I don’t know how long I’ll have to try to survive with the unrelenting weight of Jordyn’s loss pulling me down. I don’t know how long I’ll mourn for what used to be or what once could have been. But looking at Blue now, I don’t know how I have been so selfish. His eyes are red and bloodshot, and the fragile skin under them is a deep bluish-purple. His face is unshaven, and his hair is a tousled mess. It looks like he’s been running his fingers through it over and over, and it’s no longer sure how it’s supposed to fall on its own. His roots have grown out further than I’ve ever seen them, and the stubble covering his jaw is dark, nearly black. I don’t think I ever realized just how dark his hair is since he’s always clean-shaven and his turquoise is refreshed regularly. He’s in dark jeans and a stained white T-shirt that has seen better days, and something that looks like a large, waterproof bandage is wrapped around two of his fingers. Is he hurt? He’s hurt, and I didn’t even know. Jesus Christ, how could I have been so caught up in myself that I didn’t know he’s hurt?

I know I must look the same, but he didn’t lose Jordyn. I did. The only reason for him to look like this is because he felt like he was losing me, and everything in me is screaming that I need to prove to him that he’s not. I don’t know how I managed to find someone who cares so much about me, but I can’t keep letting him hurt like this because of it.

“Hey.” His voice is rough and quiet, and it’s hoarse from disuse or crying or swallowing glass. He doesn’t sound like my Blue.

“Hi.”

We stare. We stand unmoving and stare at one another like we’re waiting for the world to reset and start spinning for us once more. Then he’s in my arms. He’s clinging to me and our cheeks are wet and scratchy where they’re pressed together, and I never want to be anywhere other than right here in his arms for the rest of my life.

I cup his jaw in my hands and search his face and tuck his hair back behind his ear, and our lips meet for the first time in so, so long. We kiss and kiss and kiss, and it’s lips and tongues and fingertips searching and grasping tenderly. It’s hearts and souls and bodies clinging to what might have slipped away if I’d run from him for much longer.

A breathy laugh, heavy with relief and hope slips from him when our lips finally part, and our foreheads come to rest together so we can share heartbeats and oxygen; so we can remember what it’s like to be whole. I scratch my nails along the scruff of his cheek with a raised eyebrow, and he winces.

“Sorry. I haven’t been up to worrying about shaving lately.”

I shake my head and slide my hand to the back of his neck to tangle my fingers in his hair. “Don’t be sorry. For any of this. For anything. This was my fault. Is my fault.”

“Ethan.” His lips brush mine gently once more. “There is no fault here.”

I know that he’s being kind, but he’s wrong. I should never have run from the way he loves me. I should never have pushed him away.

“I never meant to worry you like this. I just…I didn’t know what to do. I still don’t know what to do. It still feels like the world is spinning out of control, but maybe…if I hold onto you, if you let me hold onto you, I can find my footing again. ”

“You can hold onto me forever, okay? We’ll get through this together.” He blows out a shaky exhale. “Just don’t let go, okay? Don’t disappear on me again. It was like you weren’t here. You were here, but you weren’t here. I couldn’t touch you or hold you or help you. I didn’t know what to do. I still don’t know what to do, but I’m here. Just let me be here, okay?”

“Oh, Blue…” All I can do is nod and step closer and cling to him so he knows that I’ll never let go again.

I ignore the tears that find their way down my cheeks. They’re not worth noticing when Blue’s stormy eyes are right here in front of me, pulling me in and holding my attention and reminding me that nothing else could ever matter as much as counting the flecks of gold that swim through them.

His arms tighten around my ribs, and he hauls my body even closer to his, slotting his thigh between mine.

“Do you want to clean up a bit? You might feel better afterward, and then we can get some food together, maybe?” He sounds so hopeful. So tentative and scared, but so incredibly hopeful that I might do something as simple as eat a meal with him. Shame rushes through me at the way I’ve let myself go. At the way all of these people, my friends, my…family, have had to try to care for me over the past few weeks when I’ve refused to care for myself .

“Ya. I should clean up. I’m sorry. I can’t even imagine what I look like right now. Give me a few, and I’ll…”

He shakes his head fiercely. “No. Let me come with you. Please.”

My heart stutters in my chest. Even now. Even after all I’ve put him through. Even knowing that although I’m functioning in this moment, I’m likely not going to be myself, not going to be the man he knows for a long time still, he wants to come with me. He wants me.

“Yes. Always.”

We walk to the bathroom hand in hand, and instead of turning on the shower, Blue starts the water in the huge clawfoot tub that I haven’t ever used. We strip slowly, helping each other remove stale, dirty clothes, one item at a time until there is nothing left between us. He’s thinner than he was the last time my fingers traced the tattoos on his skin, and I know that I am too. He lays towels from the linen cabinet on the floor next to the tub as I stand shivering, skin pebbled in the too-cold air. He turns off the water and offers me his hand. I clutch at it almost desperately as I step in and sink into the water. I refuse to let it go, even for a moment.

It takes some maneuvering filled with slick skin and quiet giggles as we try not to slip and break anything while we attempt to fold both of our large frames into the tub, but we finally settle with Blue sitting down first while I straddle his lap. We face one another, and my legs curl around his hips, and it is warm and intimate and perfect. Our breath mingles, and our lips play in tender lingering kisses that say hello, and I’ve missed you, and please, please don’t ever let me go.

I relearn his skin. The sharp angles of his collarbone and the way his pulse is always visible in his neck. The black lines that cut through tan and the dusting of dark hair that floats slightly away from his thighs to tickle the tips of my fingers under the water. I stroke his cheeks and his ribs and his jaw, finding new freckles, new curves, new tiny, astonishing details that I’ve never taken in before.

My fingers trace a long scar that’s nearly hidden amongst the abstract paint strokes that cover his left ribs.

“How did you get this?” I mumble against the skin of his throat.

Blue sighs and pulls in a shuddering inhale that sounds as painful as it might if there were a boulder crushing his chest. I shift back, searching his eyes in confusion. When I asked, I expected a story about an accident in the shop or a bike crash as a kid. I didn’t expect him to sound like whatever is coming next, he has to brace himself for war.

“My last relationship…well, all my relationships, I guess…haven’t been great. ”

I nod, not liking where this is going but allowing him the time and space he needs to continue.

“I’ve only had a handful of romantic relationships and only three serious boyfriends. Each time I’ve fallen in love, it’s happened so quickly that all I’ve seen is how gorgeous and enigmatic and mysterious they are. I never took the time to notice the red flags they were so brazenly flying. The first was just mean. He’d yell and lecture me when we fought. He’d tell me that I needed to try harder, to do better, and I was young, only eighteen I think, so I believed him when he said that all of our issues were my fault. I believed him until I didn’t anymore. The second was a lot of the same, and I’m sorry to say that I let him string me along for even longer than the first. The third was…” Blue’s eyes have gone hazy as he gazes over my shoulder, lost in memories he’d clearly rather forget. “Well…this isn’t the only scar he left during our time together.”

He shakes his head softly, and his eyes refocus as he stares into mine.

“I gave up on love when I ran from him six years ago. It’s why I’ve only had one-night stands for so long. Every time I’ve found myself in love, I’ve ended up hurt. And every time, the way I got hurt escalated.” He drops a lingering kiss against my shoulder. “I didn’t actually believe in love anymore until I met you.”

I shift back, tightening my legs around his hips, and water sloshes over the side of the tub. It doesn’t matter; only Blue matters. I cup his face in my palms, his skin hot and slick with sweat and condensation from our time in the bath. “You could have told me. I hope you know that I don’t care about your past. Your relationships, your lovers…”

A laugh that is little more than a snort cuts me off. “I don’t think most deserve the term lovers .”

I lean forward to place a feather-light kiss on his nose. “Whatever they were. I don’t care. I only care about you and me.”

His stormy eyes are nearly black, pupils blown wide by the dim bathroom light and the low current of desire that’s simmering between us. It’s been slowly building since we stepped into the tub together, but his honesty and openness have once again brought me to my knees. He shares his heart and soul with me without hesitation, and I have never known anyone else who allows me to see them this way. It’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever experienced.

“I know that. I would never deliberately hold something back from you. I just…I’ve tried so hard not to let those experiences define me. Until I met you, I honestly didn’t realize anything was missing in my life.”

I pepper kisses across the bridge of his nose and over his cheekbones and trail the tip of my tongue along his jaw and down his neck through the sweat that’s beading up on his shoulder .

“I want you.”

“You have me, Ethan. I promise you have me.” His words are warm against my skin and fire inside my soul as I lift my hips and slide my hand between us to cup his cock tightly.

“No. I want to feel you inside of me. Right now. Okay?”

He nods, our rough cheeks sliding together. “Okay, Ethan. Okay.”

He hardens almost instantly as I stroke him under the hot water a few times, my fingertips rolling the bars that pierce his skin, making his body jerk and his breath catch in his lungs before I lower my hips and guide him back.

He settles his hands on my waist as I curl my body around his, burying my face into his neck as I sink down. There is only water to lessen the friction, and it’s not enough and it burns and stretches as his body tries to fight its way inside of mine. He snaps his hips upward, a tiny, subtle movement, but it’s too much and it hurts, and a sob breaks free from my chest.

He shakes his head and tries to pull away, but I settle even more of my weight onto him.

“Please.” The word is ragged and broken. It’s filled with all of my pain and grief and loss, and somehow, Blue knows what I’m asking for with a single word. I need this. I need the pain and the intensity. I need him to ground me here in this moment where there is nothing but the feel of his body connecting with mine.

There is so much pressure and his fingers are digging into my skin hard enough to bruise as he pulls me slowly downward. Our foreheads are pressed together and we’re panting in unison. Groans escape from deep in my chest, sharp, pained inhales and shuddering exhales. We’re both trembling and clinging to one another as my body slowly opens for him. I slide down, inch by inch, until I’m sitting on his lap, and it stings and stretches and I’m so full and he’s so very deep inside of me. I shift my hips, moving to lift back up, but his hands hold me tightly in place.

“Blue. Please. Move.”

“Shhhh. Not yet, love. Just sit here with me. Just feel me.”

My fingernails are digging into the back of his neck, and my teeth are scraping across his skin as I clench around him again and again. It’s too much and not enough and I need to move, but he holds me still and whispers against my neck and places lingering kisses on my cheeks and shoulder. He moans my name and exhales breathless curses with each small movement my hips manage within his tight grip. We’re curled together, grasping and clutching and clinging. Every time my hips try to rock, his hands tighten, holding me down as he presses up. He presses deeper, harder. He fills me and stretches me in a way I’ve never known possible, and my whole world narrows to the point where we’re connected. My body molds around him like I was made to hold him this way, and I’ve never fit anywhere like I do in Blue’s arms. We’re barely moving, but it doesn’t matter because I’m so full, heart and mind and body, and I don’t need anything else.

Our lips brush together as words bubble up in my chest. Words I’ve felt for so long. Words I wanted to tell him before reality crumbled around me. Words I need him to hear.

“I love you.” My words come out as a breathy whisper against his lips, and he takes them into his lungs with a deep, trembling inhale, and then his mouth seizes mine in a kiss that erases the entirety of the universe. His hips thrust up and I scream into his kiss as he shudders inside of me and crushes me in his embrace. He thrusts once more, and I writhe against him. Grinding and moaning and biting down on his bottom lip as I join him with a deep shaking whimper as my own release washes over me.

The water is slowly cooling around us, but it doesn’t matter, not when Blue’s warm chest is pressed to mine, and my legs are tangled around his hips, and his cock is still resting inside of me, soft and slick.

“Ethan. ”

Goosebumps rise as his breath tickles across my damp shoulder, and I’m too content to be bothered to do anything more than hum in response. “Hmm.”

“I know that this afternoon doesn’t mean you’re okay.”

I shift to pull back so that I can look into his eyes, but his fingers tighten in my hair, and he holds me in place.

“Shhh, just listen, okay? I know that you’re going to feel Jordyn’s loss for a long time, and I need you to know that that’s okay, that I don’t ever want you to feel like you need to hide your hurt or what he meant to you. Just let me be with you when things are rough, okay?”

His fingers relax once he’s finished speaking, and I lean back just far enough to press our foreheads together.

“Don’t let me run again, okay? I don’t ever want to run from you. I’ll try my best, but when things get hard, just wait for me like you always have, alright? Just love me, and I’ll love you, and we’ll find a way through it together. We’ll find a way through anything together.”