Chapter 47
CHAPTER 47
Ash
I woke up once again tangled in Max’s arms, something I hadn’t planned on doing, but after our little session last night, we’d both collapsed on the bed and passed out. But this time I woke up before him, and took the chance to inspect him in his sleep. He was gorgeous. And when he was peaceful like this, I could definitely see elements of the boy I used to know, who I used to love.
Mind you, when he was awake, I still got those glimpses, like the other night when we’d talked for hours. It had taken me right back to thirteen years ago. But a lot had changed since then. He was this mash-up of the sweet boy I used to love, and the hot man I was going to have sex with tonight. Who’d made me come until I’d begged him to stop and who’d kissed me last night in the strangest way. I touched my lips. It had been so unexpected. Soft, slow, the kind of kiss we used to share when we’d stared into each other’s eyes for hours and simply kissed, infusing all our feelings into it. For a moment there, that kiss had made me wonder if . . .
I shook my head, freeing my mind of that thought. He did not have feelings for me and certainly, certainly I did not have feelings for him. Okay, so for a moment there, maybe only a few seconds, that kiss had sparked all those intense feelings for him again. For a short moment when kissing him, I swear I’d loved him more than I’d ever loved him before. Loved him so much that I wanted to cry and melt into him and never emerge from his arms and lips again. But the feeling had been fleeting and definitely not indicative of how I really felt about him now.
How the hell did I feel about him? How does one feel about an ex-boyfriend who disappears for thirteen years? Who I’d spent months and months crying myself to sleep about, wondering where he was and why he hadn’t said goodbye, and missing him so much it hurt. And then, of course, after the sadness, the anger had set in, which had caused Sarah to help me delete every single picture I had of him, well, except one. The one of us just before our farewell dance, dressed up to the nines, before everything went so wrong. I’d kept that single photo of us and had looked at it from time to time over the years. And after the anger, the acceptance had settled in and I started to learn to live life without him. And I’d done that pretty well—very well, in fact—but now he was back in my life and I was in his bed and we were probably doing what we should not be doing, but it felt so damn fucking good.
“Are you staring at me?” Max’s sleepy voice asked as his eyes opened.
“No!”
“Mmmm, but I could sense it.”
“Impossible.” I sat up in bed and started putting on my clothes. “You do not have some sort of super magical powers.”
He opened his eyes fully, then sat up in bed and looked straight at me. “That’s not what you said to me last night.”
“Ooooh! Okay. It’s way too early for that! And I have work! I have work and you can’t be”—I waved my finger at him—“trying to seduce me so early in the morning, and don’t say something like”—I tried to put on his deep voice—“ that’s not seduction. You would know when I was seducing you, Ash .” I stepped back and realized I’d only put on my underwear and he was looking at me in a way I now recognized. “See! Stop looking at me like that. I’m going to be leaving and I’m going to be working and I forbid you to do that thing with your face and eyes and—do not flirt with me!”
He burst out laughing. “God, you’re still as funny as ever, one of the reasons I love you so much.”
Silence. Pin drop.
“Huh? You mean LOVED me, with a ‘d’, past tense, love d me?”
His smile disappeared and he got out of bed. “And what if I told you it didn’t have a ‘d’?”
“Uhhhh . . .” I looked around the room frantically—I don’t know why. Maybe I was expecting some answer to pop out of the walls for me. “It has a ‘d’, Max. It definitely has a ‘d’, right?”
“But what if it didn’t? What would you say to that? What would you say to you and I giving us another go?”
I was shocked into silence by his words. There had been that moment last night when for a second I’d imagined what it would be like to be with him again, then reality had crashed in. “That would be a very bad idea, Max. Things ended so badly with us. I don’t think I would ever be able to take that risk again.”
“Everything in life’s a risk.”
“I know, and that’s why you have to try and control the aspects in which the risk can be mitigated.”
“And you’re choosing to try and control and mitigate risk in the love and dating aspect of your life? The one area that is the most impossible to control?” he asked.
“Well, I try! Okay?” I was frustrated. This conversation had caught me off guard and Max was now eyeing me with a look that bordered on pity and I had no idea why.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” I asked.
“Maybe that’s why you have such bad luck dating,” he said solemnly.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“You’ve been trying to control something that is by its very nature totally uncontrollable.” He moved closer to me. “I’m so sorry I’ve made you scared to love again.”
“What are you talking about?” I rubbed my chest. This conversation was starting to make me feel physically uncomfortable.
“You always have to risk something when you go into a relationship. You always have to lose control when falling in love. You’ve stopped doing that, and it’s because of me and what I did to you, and I’m so very, very sorry.”
His words slammed into me with such intensity that I almost stumbled backwards. But the words also resonated with me, and for the first time ever, maybe, it felt as if I had an insight into a part of me that until now had been out of reach. I was scared to love. Scared to lose control. Maybe I’d always had a part to play in my relationships falling apart, just not the part I’d thought I had. I was holding back because I was afraid of love?
“Ash? You okay?”
I shook my head. But there was more to this too. I could feel it. There was something else bubbling inside. Another thought, just out of my reach. What? There was one other missing puzzle piece I was just not seeing yet.
Max picked my dress up off the floor. He folded it perfectly, then smelled it and smiled. “You still wear the same perfume,” he said softly. He passed me the dress, and as I took it, he held my hand. “Of course it has a ‘d,’ Ash.”
“It does?”
He nodded. “Yes. It’s a ‘d.’ ”
Instant relief flooded me. “Good, because if it wasn’t with a ‘d’ then we would not have sex tonight!”
He smiled at me reassuringly. “So totally with a ‘d.’ ”
“Good, good. Because mine are also with a ‘d,’ ” I said quickly. “There is no present tense here at all. All past.”