Chapter 30
CHAPTER
THIRTY
JULIAN
I watch Zac and Harper embrace when they get out of the cab. Should I have gone home after dinner and planned how to approach this? Absolutely. Did I? Fuck no. We need to talk. I couldn’t offer to take her home, or Chance and Lawson would know something’s up. My confidence waivers as I watch this scene unfold on the sidewalk.
“Does it look like she’s been crying? She looks like she’s been crying.” Kat, tilting her head, looks at me through the rear-view mirror, her expression unreadable.
“Are you asking me or talking out loud like a crazy person?”
Shit. I said it out loud. I’ve stalked her home, and now I’m sitting in my car watching her. Like a fucking crazy person. “What am I doing, Kat?” I exhale. I put my head in my hands and try to get a grip.
“What happened at dinner that would make her cry?” Kat asks. So she has been crying. Fuck.
“I don’t know. There was lots of laughter, joking. Pretty lighthearted. Maybe it was hard for her to say goodbye to Lawson, but she’ll see him tomorrow. I don’t know what would make her cry. You don’t think Zac did something, do you?” I swear if he hurt her, I’ll kill him and throw his body in the East River.
“Doubtful. He’s consoling her. What did you do?” She raises her eyebrow and glares at me.
She knows I haven't told her everything. Looking back at our conversations, she gave me the opportunity to tell her, but I didn’t. I wonder how long she’s known. Granted, I withheld the details, but I’ve never lied to her. But maybe this is good. We aren’t hiding anymore. I can be vulnerable with her. Vulnerability is intimate. Sexy. Yeah. A spark of hope ignites.
“I didn’t do anything. At least not intentionally.” My voice fades as they come out of the building with Noodle. I’m glad to see Zac walks with her in the evenings when he’s home. Or is it because she’s upset? Or they’re more? I’m questioning everything.
“Go home, Kat. I’m flying without a net here, and you don’t need to see the carnage.” I open the door to get out and meet the couple on the sidewalk.
Zac puts his arm out and pushes Harper behind him while Noodle licks my shoes. Two opposite reactions to my unexpected appearance. Harper’s surprised look is a little more apprehensive than happy, and I feel responsible.
“Jesus, Decker, you scared the hell out of me,” Zac says when he realizes it’s me. I guess men jumping out of cars after dark in New York is suspect. Whoops.
I can't help but stare past him, my eyes fixated on Harper. She’s hiding behind him, but I can see the corners of her mouth turn up.
Shifting my focus back on him, I put my hand on his shoulder. “Sorry, man. Thanks for watching out for her.” I want to thank him for the way he protected her from a potential threat, but the look he’s giving me says he knows.
With a desperate plea in my eyes, I look back at her, hoping she will hear me out. Forgive me. “Harper, can we talk?”
Zac and I wait for her answer. Whatever she says, we’ll obey. This girl owns us both.
She bites her bottom lip while she’s thinking and finally nods to herself. Decision made. “Sure, let’s take Noodle for his walk.”
Zac looks back and forth between us, doing his own assessment. “Yeah, I’ll head back upstairs. Got your phone?” He’s still in protection mode and, while I appreciate it, he doesn’t have to protect her from me. Ever. She pulls it out of her back pocket as proof. He turns around, glances at Kat watching us from the car, and gives her a fuck-boy head nod. That’s all it takes for her to drive off, and I’m officially on my own.
I take Noodle’s leash from Zac, hold out my hand to her, and she accepts it. Her fingers intertwine in mine, her small hand fitting perfectly, despite the size difference. Okay, so far, so good. We walk to the park in silence. I'm taking this time to map out a plan, to decide where to even begin this difficult confession. Which I should have done before ambushing her on the sidewalk.
We walk around the circle of the small park in silence, allowing Noodle to do his business and sniff a spot every few feet or so. She must be growing impatient with me because she leads us over to a bench and sits. Noodle and I dutifully follow her. I put his leash between us, and she releases my hand to pick up the dog. He snuggles into her lap like it’s his spot. She absently rubs his ears and waits for me to talk.
Taking a deep breath to steady my nerves, I start with a question. “So why Pricilla Jenkins?” I might as well acknowledge the proverbial elephant in the room.
“It’s my mom’s name. I wanted a way to keep her alive.” Her gaze is sweet, wistful. The tender, sentimental pen name touches me deeply. It speaks volumes about her character. And I’m not surprised one bit. Family is everything to her.
I reach over and stroke her cheek, turning her head to look at me. Our eyes connect, and I think we’ll be okay. I hope we’ll be okay. “That’s beautiful.” With a gentle stroke of my thumb against her cheek, I watch as a blush slowly spreads, and she shyly lowers her eyes again. “You’re beautiful.” My desire to kiss her overwhelms me, but we need to talk first.
“How long have you known?” How much grace has she given me? How long did I think I was being stealthy when she already knew?
“I suspected pretty early on. Charlotte seemed, um, familiar.” She looks down shyly and shrugs. While she has every right to be smug or angry, she’s actually quite demure.
How many times did she ask me what she was to me? Fuck. A muse. In retrospect, I can’t help but chuckle at that conversation. Her feisty response was a leather skirt and a hot first kiss.
“Are you mad at me for not telling you?”
She gently shakes her head no. “It seemed important for you to stay anonymous. I was hopeful you would tell me eventually.” Her usual confident voice is timid, pensive, and my heart hurts hearing her this way. I can’t stand my sassy girl sounding down.
“I’m sorry I didn’t. It’s not that I don’t trust you. I do. Implicitly. And I would have. Told you, I mean. I, just.” I pause to allow my resolve to settle as I let her in. “I needed to sort my head out about my reasons for keeping this secret buried deep. I’m very protective of my business and my reputation. They’re intertwined in a way that’s making me rethink a lot of things in my life.”
“I get it.” Sadness surrounds her. And I caused this. It’s time to come totally clean. For us and for our book.
First, I need to know if she’s sparing my feelings or deep down, she’s angry, hurt even. Or disappointed. I give her a peck on her lips, and she doesn’t slap my face. Doing good so far, Julian. It’s time to keep going.
I sit up, shoulders back, ready to own this. “I’m glad you know. You’re the third person on this planet holding the secret intel that I’m JB Moore.” She knows how much this means to me, but I also want to stress I'm really serious about keeping my anonymity.
“Let me guess, Chance and Ashleigh?”
I chuckle at her logical choices. “Absolutely not. Chance can’t keep a secret to save his life, and I couldn’t take Ashleigh’s ribbing. No, my editor, Casey Samuels, and Professor Daniels, although I’m still stumped at how they got that information.” I’m awarded with another one of those surprised looks I crave. “And now you. It’s a pretty elite group. Are you prepared to take this secret to your grave?” I’m teasing, kind of.
“Why the national-security-level secret? Are you ashamed or embarrassed?”
“What? No. Well, not ashamed.” I put my face in my hands. Why is it so important that I keep this secret? “I don’t know. I enjoy having a secret identity. Maybe? People think they know me, but they don’t, not really. I’m an introvert going through life pretending to be an extrovert. And a closeted romance writer. But I’m my business, my brand. My agency is built on a perception, a reputation. Most of my athletes like the charming playboy image, so that’s what I give them.” I look at her to gauge her reaction. And she’s smiling. She reaches out and runs her fingers through my hair, her touch slowing my racing heart. No wonder Noodle likes it so much.
“I won’t tell a soul. I swear.” She bites her bottom lip and asks, “Truth or dare?”
“Truth.” I’ve revealed my darkest secret. I can’t imagine what else I can share at this point. I’m belly up, all my weak spots exposed.
“Are you really a playboy, Julian Decker?”
A wicked smile fills my face. “Depends how you define playboy. Not everything is how it appears.” I turn on my charm and hope it works.
“I don’t know. It appears like you want to kiss me.” Her mood has improved dramatically, and a sparkle has returned to her eyes.
“And then again, some things are exactly how they appear.”
I take her face in my hands and pull her to me, kissing her with everything I have. My mouth, my heart, my soul. My secret. It’s all hers.