Chapter 13
Goddess above, at least Elora had some sense, because I had clearly lost all of mine.
She, the one who’d never been shy in telling me exactly how she felt, was now the one holding me at arm’s length, and her doing so made me realize just how much of a mistake this was—a tortuous mistake.
Because she was showing me exactly how she felt. Why should she have to say anything at all when her lack of words told me everything I needed to know? She was hurt and angry, rightfully so. She possibly hated me—although, I didn’t quite believe that, even though she should. It would be understandable, albeit fucking awful.
Still, Elora was near. She was with me, traveling across my kingdom with the knowledge of who I was, what I was. Everything my soul had yearned for but my mind had fervently denied. Yet, it was all wrong and entirely my fault.
What was I thinking, taking her? I had been ready to end it all to avoid this exact situation. I had wanted her as far away as possible so we could live separate lives the way it was supposed to be, and now, she was as close as she could possibly be—asleep and slumped into me.
My chest ached. I wanted to move her, needed to. I wanted to jump down from this horse and lead him with her atop it just so I didn’t have to touch her, smell her. Her cinnamon vanilla was going to smother me, especially if Iaso ran out of her tea. I was barely hanging on as it was, even after she doubled the dose.
I want to take her back.
Damn it all, even as I thought it, I knew that wasn’t exactly true. I didn’t want her with me, but I sure as hell didn’t want her there. I was selfish, purely and cowardly selfish.
I couldn’t give her what she deserved, and I couldn’t allow her to find what she deserved in someone else.
Fuck.She didn’t exactly look happy when Evander proposed, her smile forced and movements stiff, but she could’ve had a happy enough life with him. She wouldn’t have been hurt, not like I had hurt her.
She stirred and nestled farther into me, releasing a small whimper.
The ache in my chest deepened and burrowed, tightening my ribs like a wrench around my lungs. My heart started to hammer against its shrinking cage, and I sucked in a deep breath to dispel it, but it did nothing. My hands gripped the reins so tightly, they started to shake, and I forced myself to remain as still as possible to not wake her.
Fuck, this was such a mistake.
I released my grip on the reigns and hooked them over the horn to lift a hand to my chest, running it over my sternum repeatedly.
A painful, damning mistake.
Mistake.
The word screamed in my head over and over, refusing to let me forget, even for a moment. I glanced around at the surrounding forest and listened for steadiness, my breaths coming quicker.
The repetitive sound of hooves on soft ground caught my attention, and I swiveled my head to watch Ewan’s horse walk beside us, one hoof at a time.
One. Two. Three. Four.
Again and again and again.
I didn’t know how long I stared, counting each step and listening to each sound before Ewan noticed me.
“What’s the plan when we get to Nautia?” he asked, rescuing me from my thoughts. “You going to visit Fauna?”
I gritted my teeth before forcing my gaze up to meet his. “Yes, I told her I’d come by for a while and help out where I could.”
“How are things going over there?” Iaso asked from the other side of Ewan.
“Good from what I’ve heard. They gained another resident recently, but they’ve been able to keep up. With the new supplier, they’ve had more than enough food, and the extra funds allowed her to hire a new hand to help.”
Iaso nodded. “Born or found? The new resident, I mean.”
“Born.” A smile pulled at my lips. “The first creature of night born in over fifty years—that we know of. Another female.”
“Amazing,” Ewan breathed.
“Very amazing,” Iaso said, her voice dripping with awe. “That’s a good sign.”
Legend said the birth of a creature of night was an omen of greatness to come. Something or someone would arise to be as light as they are dark—something that would save as many lives as the creature would take.
“We should be able to release them soon, raising the total of creatures in the Cursed Wood to four.” I turned to face the path again, lifting the reins. “The mother and baby seem to be doing well.”
“That’s exciting,” Iaso said. “I’d like to come as well, if that’s all right. I would love to see them.”
I glanced over at her, biting back a wince as I said, “I was hoping you could take Elora to the shops to get what she needs or maybe show her around. I’ll pay for whatever you two find or get into. Whatever you need.”
“Are you saying the day’s on you, then? Because if so, I may just take her to the modiste and…” Her words trailed off as she looked over and took in my expression. Her head tilted as her eyes filled with pity, and she nodded. “Of course. I’m sure she could use a hot meal and maybe even a bed for a few hours. I don’t think she’s used to sleeping on the ground—understandably so. She could probably use a stiff drink, too. Perhaps we’ll just go to the Sopping Sailor, then the inn.”
“I’m sorry, I just…” I shook my head, letting my gaze fall to the dirt path ahead, echoed on both sides by emerald-green foliage. “I need time.”
I needed to breathe air that didn’t smell like cinnamon and think with a clear head. I needed space away from the woman I’d forced to my side.
Damn it all. I’m much more selfish than I realized. Guilt pricked my gut, and I shifted uncomfortably in the saddle, causing her to stir again. Damn. It. All.
“I understand, Vaelor,” Iaso said. “No need for apologies. I have a feeling we’ll see more creatures of night in the near future anyway.”
“Thank you,” I replied with a quick glance in her direction. She nodded, her golden eyes glowing faintly before she winked and turned away. A familiar warmth spread out from my chest, the painful tension easing, and I took a slow, deep breath. I whipped my head back to her to find her knowing smile in her profile.
“Thank you,” I whispered again, and her grin widened farther.
Elora had awokenby the time we reached Nautia, and I had hopped off to allow her to ride alone and avoid rumors. I’d also placed a glamour over her ears so she’d blend in.
Warm spring air greeted us like an old friend as we ambled into the village. People lined the walking paths, chatting, laughing, and occasionally waving our way when they recognized me.
When we arrived at the Sopping Sailor, the others hopped down and tied their horses to the posts as I tied ours.
Iaso slipped her arm through Elora’s. “I bet you’re hungry, hmm?”
“Goddess, yes,” Elora groaned without so much as questioning Iaso’s proximity or touching. Rather, she relaxed her hand on her forearm and strolled forward like she’d known her for years rather than days, and the sight sent a pang through me I didn’t have the will to explore.
I smiled faintly as they entered through the swinging doors before turning to Ewan. “I’ll see you later, all right?”
He eyed me curiously but nodded in response. “All right.”
With that, he strolled around me to enter the tavern, and I continued down the street toward Fauna’s Oasis. That was what she had named it—her oasis—because the animals residing there needed a peaceful place to rest and recover.
She’d housed many injured animals over the decades, nursing them back to health to release them again, but her biggest project at the moment was raising the creature of night population. At one point in our long history, Fae had seen them as evil, vicious creatures, and thus, they were hunted to near extinction. When I was crowned, Fauna was one of the many people to come forth with issues and complaints, and now, here we were, with an entire animal rescue facility.
The walk was long but beautiful. All of Nautia was beautiful, but this trail along the shoreline had always been my favorite. It followed the peninsula around the town with the ocean on one side and rows of houses on the other, all painted varying shades of white, green, or blue and lined with vegetation: flowers, ferns, grasses, tall trees that swayed slightly in the breeze. Some even had small, overflowing gardens. Spying a particularly full fruit tree, I glanced left and right before sneaking over to pluck an orange. I quickly returned to the trail, peeling and tossing the rinds to the birds as I walked.
There’s nothing more beautiful in this realm than Nautia.
I forced myself to not correct that when her face popped into my mind, and I stumbled over my own feet, nearly dropping the orange. Pausing, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
I needed to truly and fully distance myself from Elora. I couldn’t send her back, fine, but I didn’t have to be near her. We didn’t have to be friends or speak. She could live a full and happy life separate from me in Draig Hearth. It was certainly big enough.
Perhaps she could even open a bakery in the nearby village. I could see her now, baking her days away, her cheeks flushed and covered in flour, hair piled atop her head with wild strands breaking free, and her smile… It would be just as wild and genuine as the rest of her. I wondered if she’d ever considered that before, owning her own shop and sharing her passion with the world.
When the Oasis finally came into view, I groaned in relief and shoved Elora from my mind, stifling the feeling in my chest.
I could not be Elora’s friend. I could not be Elora’s anything. No matter how wrong it felt or how much regret or guilt grated my nerves, I would avoid her. I would let her live.
This was such a mistake. The thought hadn’t left my mind since the second she was whisked out of the meeting so we could hash out the details, but I was committed—extremely regretful but committed. Meetings and demands such as that left no room for indecision or vacillation. Once those words left my mouth, it might as well have been set in stone.
I knew that when I said them, but I had let that damned engagement cloud my judgment. I knew it had, and I still pummeled forward in a fit of jealous rage regardless, which had never happened before. It was exactly those kinds of foolish actions and thoughts that led to instability in a realm, and I jeopardized my kingdom to prevent a wedding.
I wagered lives to prevent someone I didn’t even plan to marry from marrying another.
My stomach rolled, and my feet stopped. I tossed the rest of the orange and braced a hand on a nearby tree, breathing slowly. It wasn’t the first time I had come to that realization, but I never felt less sick. Each time, I nearly retched at the atrocity.
It was selfish and dangerous. She made me selfish and dangerous, through no fault of her own, and those were two qualities unfit for the crown, which was exactly why I was done—done attempting to be her friend, or anything, for that matter.
My people deserved better than the man I was becoming.
I might not be able to put hundreds of physical miles between us, but I could build an impenetrable wall. Elora was a loyal friend, but even she would eventually turn away from coldness, and I would be the coldest person she’d ever met.
My gut twisted again, and this time, I did retch, expelling everything in my stomach, along with every ugly, unwanted, suffocating emotion. Slowly, I stood, rolling my shoulders back, and took a deep breath.
Steel yourself.