The Florentine Quilt

4. Theodora

4

THEODORA

MELBOURNE

AMETHYST: Provides protection, emotional balance and centring

T he warmth of the afternoon sun strokes the back of my neck as I throw myself into the task, wedged between glossy leaves of basil and lemon thyme. The sharp and sweet scents mingle in the breeze while I harvest Gran’s vegetables, herbs and flowers.

Her pretty Victorian -style terrace was built by a local butcher at the turn of the twentieth century in a once working-class suburb that now boasts one of Melbourne’s highest price tags. Each of the row of four is named after one of his children. Having used solid brick with lath and plaster walls, the butcher no doubt intended his legacy to endure well beyond their lifetimes. I imagine a round-faced man with a bloodied apron and meat cleaver poring over the plans and Clarence , a blond-haired cherub with a teething rash.

I’ve finished in the garden and return inside, setting the freshly cut basil on the bench. My phone beeps beside it. Three missed calls and a text. Can’t he leave me alone? Tension burns in my neck. I’d rather not speak to him.

Before I have time to answer it, he’s on the doorstep ringing the bell. First Gran’s funeral, and now he’s here again. All I want to do is to grieve in private.

But it’s crazy how the sight of him, brandishing the wry grin I once loved, still makes my heart skip a beat. I thought we’d be together forever.

‘ Hey , Theo . I’ve been calling you.’ He looks past me towards the kitchen.

I glimpse the olive skin at the neck of his navy shirt. Is he going away? The clarity of another image throws me, and my stomach fills with butterflies. Luke is reclining on a sunlounge; is it the Mediterranean ? His hands caress Renata’s back, and she holds up her blonde hair…the scent of coconut oil?—

‘ Do you mind if I come in?’ His voice breaks my daydream. When he checks his watch I’m curious why he’s squeezing a welfare check into his precious Sunday .

I reply with a shrug and step back to wave him inside. ‘ It’s such a beautiful afternoon— I’ve been in the garden.’ I pull down my dirt-smeared top and fidget with the pockets of my jeans.

‘ Yeah , good idea,’ he answers, looking through the window to the backyard with his arms folded. I shield my eyes to the western sky as the sun sinks and shadows grow longer.

‘ I’m glad you’re okay. But you didn’t tell me you were going away?—’

I’m surprised he knows. News spreads faster than Covid in this community.

‘ Thought we’d have a drink to your travels.’ He holds up a bottle of wine, seeking my capitulation. The dimples I once loved irritate me, appearing at the corners of his mouth like a cheeky child’s.

‘ I’m not…yeah sure.’ He’s like a bad habit I can’t break.

Though his face shows strains of tiredness, his eyes seem bright and kind. I nod slowly, and against my better judgement follow him as he strides to the kitchen, opens the bottle and takes out two wineglasses.

Just being in his presence is squeezing the air from my lungs. ‘ What are you really doing here?’

He takes a seat and rests a lazy arm across the chair next to him. ‘ Geez , Theo . How about you start by telling me how business is going before we get into it?’

‘ Star said it’s been nice and steady. What’s going on, Luke ?’

He studies my face, and I bite my lip. Something is amiss. Is he ill? No . I can’t shake the veil of doubt.

‘ Business must be good if you’re taking off on holidays?’ he fishes.

Stretching my neck, I draw a deep breath to get my body’s rhythm back to normal. I sip my drink, and the cool acidity eases down my throat.

‘ I still don’t know why you bother with all that second-hand stuff. You could be doing so much more….’ His voice trails off and he looks past me, as if he’s lost in another world. ‘ You’d almost finished your Masters and had the chance to study with the museum in Barcelona . But you gave it up?—’

‘ I enjoy what I do.’ I jut out my chin. He knew my reasons. When we married, his plans for the future took priority over mine. His work demands. His needs. I didn’t have the passion to pursue a career I wasn’t able to fully commit to. The boutique was enough. Then , I was back nursing Gran while she was in and out of hospital for chemo treatments.

‘ Look —there are things you need to know, Theo . I can’t let you leave for holidays with stuff to sort between us. It’s been pretty crazy.’

I have no idea where this is going. There’s been nothing between us for years.

‘ This might be hard for you. It’s about Renata . She only thinks about herself. But I’m in a difficult position.’

‘ Selfish ’ is one of the words I’ve used to describe both of them over the years. Together with a few other expletives.

‘ I made a huge mistake, Theo ,’ he lifts his glass and takes a large mouthful of wine, ‘ I never intended to stay with her. We haven’t been happy for a while.’

All of a sudden, I see he’s going to hurt me, but I’m unprepared for what follows.

‘ I have to tell you—’ he breaks off and reaches for my hand. ‘ There’s no easy way to say it,’ the words appear to spill from his lips in slow motion, ‘ Renata’s having a baby.’

I wrench my hand away and spill my drink across the table. ‘ Shit !’ Pain crushes my chest like a lead weight as I mop up the mess. The shock of his confession blurs my vision.

Luke continues his diatribe like a torrent set free, running a hand through his heavy blond fringe. ‘ She planned it all. Can you believe it? The pregnancy, I mean. I’m telling you so you understand what I’m up against. If I could go back in time I would?—’

I lean away from him.

‘ It wasn’t my idea. I never expected to be a father. I wanted to tell you in person?—’

‘ Well , congratulations.’ My reply spits out like a ticket from a vending machine. A baby. I rub the base of my finger, holding back the urge to cover my face.

I’m screaming inside. I hope she’s happy. She got what she wanted. Occasionally we pass in the supermarket, or out on the walking track by the lake. I try to avoid moving anywhere in her circle, but it’s a small community. There’ll be no escaping the sight of Renata pushing a pram. I close my eyes, surprised by my tears. While children were never part of our plans, the news still hurts.

‘ There’s more—’ Puppy -dog eyes implore me to hear him out. ‘ I didn’t want a kid, Theo . But in a few months, the baby will be born, and I’ll set her up. Then I’ll leave her. Renata was the worst mistake of my life.’

My breath catches and burns in my chest. Renata was the worst thing to happen to both of us, but how could he leave his own child? How could any parent do that?

‘ My life’s a mess at the moment, but I have to tell you how I feel?—’

When he searches my face, I look away. My thoughts blur as I sink into my seat. It’s a shock, but I wait for him to continue.

‘ I want to see if you’ll give me another chance.’

‘ Luke , please.’ This is too much. I reach for my wine. It feels like the room is closing in, suffocating me. My hand shakes, and the refilled glass makes it to my lips just in time. The base of my finger catches my eye, with skin worn smooth from the wedding ring I no longer wear.

‘ After what happened between us, I understand if you have reservations. But the truth is, I’ve never stopped loving you, Theo .’

We met while I was at university. He was doing extra shifts at a bar in the city to raise money to start his own business. He had that boy-next-door charm—an appreciative smile for the girls and a knowing wink for the guys. Luke was the sun with friends who rotated in and out of his orbit like planets through the Milky Way . Aside from Rosie , I kept pretty much to myself, but when he singled me out, I was flattered by his attention. His love. It felt perfect.

But after ten years of marriage, our needs were too different, and we drifted apart. When his affair with Renata began, I barely noticed the cracks. I’d lost myself in self-loathing and was sinking in a misery of doubt. Renata was single-minded in pursuit of Luke while I was spinning out of control. I admit, I gave up on us and surrendered with my hands in the air.

I’m frozen in position and turn my face away. Perhaps I should postpone the internship until we sort this out….

A cool breeze wafts through my open window and lavender and vetiver clouds the air. In a burst of clarity, my words spill out, ‘ Stop , Luke . Please stop.’ I hold up my hands. ‘ I can’t deal with this now.’ My voice grows clearer. So soon after Gran’s death, I refuse to listen to talk of babies, nor do I want to hear his excuses and promises. It would be safer to put distance between us.

‘ Theo .’ He reaches for me again. ‘ I know I’m asking a lot, but I want you to at least consider?—’

I bat away his hand. ‘ I’m sorry, Luke ,’ I interrupt, ‘ I’ve never had an opportunity to do anything like this.’

‘ To do what? Travel ?’

‘ This is more than a holiday. I’m taking up a position in the textile restoration department at the Opificio delle Pietre Dure in Florence . It’s been arranged for months.’

‘ Really ?’

I can tell he’s surprised. Shocked , in fact. ‘ I’m joining a conservation team and working on a medieval quilt. I was assigned before Gran died. I don’t know where it will lead.’

With Gran gone, there’s a world of unknown I’ve never desired to explore before. There is nothing holding me back.

‘ A conservator at last! Well , I guess you’re pretty happy. They obviously weren’t concerned you never finished your Masters ?’

The stab in my gut reminds me of my failings. Just when I feel secure about my decision, he shoots me down.

He draws his glass to his mouth again. The silence is deafening as it closes in on me. He seems to be considering his next move. ‘ Wow , that’s great news…’ He pushes hair from his eyes, and I see him trying to focus. ‘ Such a surprise. So , Italy , huh?’

His voice tapers off and he sits back in his chair as though punched.

‘ Yes .’ I lower my eyes.

‘ Theo . Look . Maybe it was wrong to have dumped so much onto you at once. But will you think about it? Take all the time you need, but I’m serious about giving us another chance. We had some good times, babe, didn’t we?’

A relationship with Luke offers the comfort of a well-worn coat. But there’s unpredictability in a future with him. He’s having a child with Renata . And a child together changes everything.

Is that what has brought this on—the thought of becoming a father?

The only way is complete separation. I have to be away from him. He says he wants a life together, but what do I want?

I hold up my head. ‘ I don’t know where this is coming from, Luke , but I’ve committed to the OPD in Florence . I need to do this for me.’

‘ Yeah , I get it. You’re grieving and deserve a break. I’ll still be here when you come home.’

I take a breath, willing him to listen for once.

‘ I agree that we have things to settle between us, but it will have to wait, okay?’ I won’t be free of him until I can extricate myself from our joint business affairs. But it’s best to keep him on side. With all that’s going on, I can’t think about tackling the legalities with him too.

Suddenly , I’m shocked by an image; Luke looks more cardboard cut-out than human. His eyes are glassy, and his smile is smarmy and false. It’s as though I’m seeing him for the first time. I’ve been closed off from the world around me for too long and stuck in his shadow. What else have I missed?

I finally close the door behind him and lean against the doorjamb with a sigh. A few seconds later, I kick my shoes off and pad down the hallway, taking a bottle of sparkling water from the fridge. Under the golden light of the Tiffany shade in the sitting room, I tuck my legs beneath me on the wingback chair I bought on impulse after our divorce and fill my glass. Instead of taking a sip, I lay my head back and let my tears release. They flow down my face until heartfelt sobs take over and my throat is dry and aching.

Some time later, I acknowledge the throbbing in my head and position myself on the floor to meditate. My eyelids shutter away the soft light of the room. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Repeat . Breathe . Just breathe. Calm rushes through my centre and gently releases.

I clear my mind of all the thoughts and fears, the whirl of visions forming. I’ve worked hard to create a lifestyle where I’m grounded, where nothing harsh can intrude. There’s been too much loss in the past, too much pain. I’m struggling to rein in my practice tonight. My mind wanders, bouncing in and out of the meditation. This news has affected me deeply. But I should have seen this coming.

Luke and I decided against having children. We relished life as a couple. While he thrived under the sole attention of an adoring wife who didn’t interfere with his business junkets or golf weekends with the boys, I was reluctant to bring a child into a world that was so uncertain. Motherhood was a responsibility I was, and still am, unwilling to commit to.

I take a sip of water and bubbles tingle my nose. For a few moments, I stare into my glass. Droplets form circles that ripple like a stone dropped in a pond. Tears fill my eyes.

Ever since the offer came from the OPD , I’ve hesitated to commit.

But my travel plans couldn’t be better timed.