Chapter 37
Ryan
The next morning, I walk into my apartment, my suit covered in sand and the bottoms of my pants wet with ocean water.
“Hey, man!” Aaron calls from the kitchen. “How did everything go?”
“Terrible,” I call back.
“What? I thought when you didn’t come home—” He appears from the doorway between the living room and kitchen and stops. “Oh. You were at the beach. Alone?”
I nod.
“All night?”
I nod. I watched the waves for hours, alternating between sitting on the sand and standing in the water up to my calves. It felt like saying goodbye to my old life.
“You okay?”
I shake my head. “I’m gonna pack. I was able to change my flight so I can leave today instead of next week. And I’m not coming back.”
“Wait…what? That’s it? You’re moving today?” Aaron shakes his head. “You don’t even know if you have the job yet.”
“It doesn’t matter. I’ll pay you for this month and next month’s rent. Maybe I’ll come back to get my things. I don’t know. But I can’t be here anymore.”
“I thought you had graduation this week.”
I shrug a shoulder. “Whatever. I’m quitting anyway. I’ll take a sick day.”
Aaron pauses, puts a hand on my shoulder, and squeezes. “I’m gonna miss you, man.”
I nod, pressing my lips together. “Same.” I exhale and point at my room, implying that I’m about to pack, and Aaron lets go of my arm.
What a disaster. What did I expect Claire to do? Rush into my arms and say she loved me too, and she was just waiting for me to finally be brave enough to say something?
Well, yeah. That’s what I expected.
It feels ridiculous to think I’ve been misinterpreting every sign she’s given me, especially the ones she gave when she was sick. There’s no way she has only friendly feelings for me.
But at the end of the day, it’s her decision to make. And she decided to stay with Zach, the loser.
Just thinking about her life with him is enough to make me sick. He’s going to bring her down instead of raising her up. All she’s going to do is take care of him and support him, when she deserves someone who will treat her like a queen. But that’s not my call. I have to detach.
By moving.
Twelve hours later, I’m in my mom’s car, driving away from Kahului Airport. She lays a gentle hand on my forearm. “I’m glad you’re here,” she says.
“Yeah, me too.”
Not really. I’m miserable. I thought the sun and warm air would make me feel at least a little better, but they don’t.
“I wish it was under better circumstances,” she says. “You’re sure that—”
“Yeah,” I say, cutting her off. “I’m sure.”
She nods, keeping her eyes on the road.
“Sorry I don’t have a place to stay yet,” I say. “I can find a hotel for tomorrow.”
“Don’t apologize. You’re always welcome to stay with me. I’ve got plenty of space.”
Half an hour later, I find out that “plenty of space” means an air mattress in her living room, but beggars can’t be choosers. It’s evening, and I’m exhausted from not sleeping the night before.
“I can make dinner,” Mom says.
I shake my head. “I’m not hungry.”
She rubs my back, and for a moment, I feel a little better. “It can only go up from here. Ride the wave.” She gives me a hug, and I wrap my arms around her. She looks up and gives me a grin. “And tomorrow morning, we ride.”
“Sounds good.”
She leaves me to unpack, so I roll my suitcase into an inconspicuous corner and get settled on the air mattress.
Man, I really thought I’d feel better once I was here.
After graduating high school, I’ve dreamed of living back here in Hawaii.
But now that it’s actually a possibility, all I want to do is leave.
On Thursday morning, five days later, I’m woken from my post-surf nap by a phone call from Chase. I answer the call, still lying on my back on my air mattress and staring up at the ceiling. “Hey, man.”
“Hey, Ryan. How’s it going?”
I don’t say anything. I didn’t tell him I was going to tell Claire how I felt, since he was opposed to that idea in the first place. And I don’t really feel like getting into everything now.
Was he right after all?
“Okayyy,” he says. “I’ll take that to mean ‘not so good.’ But I’ll see you tonight at graduation, right? And dinner after?”
Ah, that’s right. Tonight is graduation, which typically requires all faculty to attend unless we use a sick day.
Every year, Chase and I hang out and go to dinner after.
It became a tradition after our first year.
Last year, Claire came with us. The graduation ceremony is boring, but the three of us were able to make it bearable.
But I just left without telling him. “Sorry, man. I won’t be there.”
“No way. Did you get sick?”
“No. I’m in Maui.”
“Maui! Awesome! How long will you be there?”
I hesitate. I haven’t told my coworkers I’m here. I just submitted my day off through the electronic system and figured I’d avoid any questions about my future until I knew for sure.
But it’s pretty much decided—I’m staying. Whether I get this job or not, I can’t go back to Coastal Vista. Not after baring my soul and getting flat-out rejected.
“I’m not coming back,” I finally say.
Chase doesn’t say anything at first. I think I shocked him. “But…dude. Your job. It’s so good.”
“I know.”
“You’re almost tenured.”
“I know.”
“Did something happen with Liam? Or Christopher?”
“No.”
“Oh.” He pauses, and I can almost hear the realization dawning on him. “You told her.”
The pang in my chest tightens again. Her. He doesn’t even have to say her name for all the feelings to rush over me—disappointment, embarrassment, frustration, anger, but underlying all of it—love. “Yeah.”
“I’d ask what happened, but I guess that’s obvious.” He pauses again. “All right, man. Call me any time, and let me know if you’re ever back in town visiting.”
“Will do.”
We hang up, and I let my arm dangle off the side of the bed, dropping the phone on the floor. I wonder how tonight’s graduation will go. Will Claire wonder where I am? Probably not. I told her our friendship was over. The sooner she learns that, the better.