Chapter 39
Claire
After graduation, I’m exhausted and my energy is spent, but I can’t sleep until I talk to Annie. I open the door after nine, and Annie is sketching on the couch, her iPad on her lap and digital pencil in her hand. She looks up when I walk into the living room and gives me a tentative, “Hey.”
I sit on the couch next to her and start with, “I’m sorry.”
Her eyes widen, and she locks the iPad, setting it aside. “For what?”
“Everything. Yelling at you yesterday. Treating you like an outcast when all you’re doing is following your own path.”
She holds my gaze, tears forming in her eyes.
She blinks them away and gives me a small smile.
“Well. That’s unexpected.” She swipes her fingers under her eyes and gives her head a tiny shake.
“Thank you. That means a lot.” After taking in a breath, she says, “What made you want to say all of that?”
“Because you were right.”
She tilts her head to the side. “About what?”
“Everything,” I say. And that’s when I start to cry.
“Oh, Claire.” Her arms wrap around my body, and as the tears break free, all the emotions I’ve kept trapped in a secret place in my heart come rushing out.
“I’m in love with him,” I finally manage to say between sobs, my voice muffled against her shoulder.
She pats my back. “Okay. If you’re really in love with him, you’ll figure out how to make your marriage work.”
“Not Zach,” I wail. “Ryan. I love Ryan.” I can’t believe I’m saying the words out loud, but now my heart pounds the word yes, yes, yes.
Annie pulls back slowly, keeping her hands on my arms. “Ryan. Your best friend at work.”
I nod, miserable. “Am I a terrible person?”
She presses her lips together. “Did you cheat on Zach?”
“No,” I say firmly. “I would never. But I think I’ve denied my feelings for Ryan this whole time. So if that’s cheating, then…”
Annie shakes her head. “Maybe you should’ve figured this out before you got engaged, but you’re not married yet. It’s still okay to back out now.”
I nod, dread coming over me. “They’re going to be so mad.”
Annie shrugs. “Maybe. But better that than promising the rest of your life to the wrong person.”
I nearly shudder, realizing how close I’ve come to condemning myself to a lifetime of misery and disappointment.
“Do you realize what you just said? They’re going to be so mad.” She pauses, letting it sink in. “Are you more worried about Mom and Dad than you are about Zach?”
I grimace. “Yeah. Pretty messed up, huh?”
“A little. But I understand.” She twists her lips to the side. “I should apologize, too. I wasn’t really thinking about anyone other than myself when I left. Now that I see how it’s affected you—and how hurt you, Mom, and Dad were… I should’ve been braver. Running away wasn’t the right answer.”
I don’t say anything, because I don’t know what the right answer was, either. Facing Mom and Dad can be pretty terrifying.
Annie asks, “Do you feel like you’ve had to make them happy to fill my place?”
“Yeah.” I rest my head on her shoulder. “I feel like I’ve had to be perfect and do exactly what they’ve expected of me because I’m all they have left.”
She sighs. “I’m so sorry you felt that way.
But they should understand that their daughters are not extensions of themselves.
That we have our own lives and can make our own decisions.
” She pats my arm. “I didn’t do it the right way, but I’m also really happy with the path I’ve taken. And now it’s your turn.”
I nod and lift my head to look at her. “I’m going to publish my book.”
The grin that fills her face warms my heart. “You better let me read it first.”
Last night, I slept better than I had in weeks. Maybe months. The engagement isn’t officially off, but I’ve resolved in my heart to make my own decisions and follow my own path, and I’m more content than ever.
The first thing I do when I wake up is text Zach that I’m coming over to talk to him. I owe him the respect and honor of hearing it from me before anyone else. Besides, I worry if I tell my parents before I’ve talked to him, they’ll try to convince me to stay with him.
He sends me a thumbs-up, so I know it’s safe to head over. I drive to Mike and Julie’s, knock on the door, and am greeted with a warm hug and smile from Julie. Oh, poor Julie. I’m about to break your son’s heart, and probably yours too.
I head down to Zach’s room, knocking on the door before opening it. “Hey, Zach,” I call.
“Claire Bear!” He wraps me in a hug and tries to kiss me on the lips, but I turn my face and give him my cheek. He’s not too deterred. “Come, sit. What’s up?”
My heart pounds in my chest, but I won’t let my nerves get the best of me. I inhale deeply, let it out slowly, then say the words. “I want to cancel the wedding.”
A beat passes. Then another. Zach furrows his brow, processing the words. “You want to cancel the wedding?” he repeats.
I nod.
“Okay,” he says slowly. “So…we just stay engaged for a little while longer?”
I shake my head.
“We don’t stay engaged…but we keep dating?”
I shake my head again. “I want to break up.”
He holds my gaze, then narrows his eyes at me. “You want to break up.” He’s not asking—he’s repeating the words back to me—but he doesn’t look like he believes what I’m saying. Either that, or he’s livid.
But I need to hold my ground. “Yes. I don’t think you and I are right for each other.”
He stands and looks down at me. “How can you say that?” And then he paces the room. “We’ve known each other our whole lives. Our parents are best friends. We hang out all the time.”
“Those are all true,” I say. “But can you honestly say that we’re meant to be married?”
“Well, yeah!” He sits and grabs my hands, holding them tightly in his. “Claire, I don’t want you out of my life.”
“I don’t have to be out of your life,” I say. “I’m sure we’ll see each other. But as friends.” I squeeze his hands in mine. “Be honest with yourself, Zach. Are you really in love with me? Or do you just love me the way you love a family member?”
He opens his mouth, gaping at me. “I don’t… You’re not…”
“I love you, Zach. But not the way I should love my husband. I will always care for you and want the best for you. And in this case, wanting the best for you means breaking up. Because forcing you to be with me when we don’t really have that kind of love for each other is sentencing both of us to a lifetime of unhappiness. ”
“But we could learn to love each other!” he says. “What about those arranged marriages?”
“This isn’t like getting married to a stranger,” I reply. “It’s not the same.”
Zach releases my hands, and he takes a few deep breaths in and out. “Is there someone else?” he asks quietly.
I don’t say anything.
He looks up at me. “It’s that guy from work, isn’t it? Ryan?”
I swallow hard. “Nothing happened with him.” It’s not the whole truth—he did confess his love for me—but I never reciprocated or kissed him or anything, which is what I mean by those words.
“But you have feelings for him.”
I don’t want to lie to Zach, so I nod.
“Great. The nerd gets the girl.”
Fire heats my chest, but I know saying anything to defend Ryan will make the situation worse.
“Not necessarily. He moved away, and I don’t know if there’s a future for us.
” Saying the words out loud makes me realize the truth in them.
I might be too late. Maybe he’s already accepted a new job and won’t come back, even if I tell him I love him, too.
Maybe he’s been hurt by me too many times and needs to move on with his life.
But even if that’s the case, I won’t marry Zach. Being alone would be better than being married to someone I don’t love.
My eyes sting, but I don’t want to cry and show any weakness in front of Zach. “But even if Ryan doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me, you and I can’t get married. We’re not meant to be together that way.”
The words are harsh, but I don’t want to leave any ambiguity in the air.
Somehow, they don’t seem to strike Zach the way I thought they would. Instead, he looks thoughtful. “Okay.”
I raise my eyebrows. “Okay?”
He nods. I think he grumbles something under his breath about it not being fair, but I don’t ask him to elaborate.
We sit together in silence for a minute, and I can feel his anger dissipating.
Our arms are still touching, but it doesn’t feel awkward like I thought it would.
It feels like sitting with a longtime friend.
Even though it’s the end of one relationship, it’s the beginning of another that feels… right.
“Can I give you a hug?” he asks.
“Of course,” I say. He wraps me up, the familiarity of his embrace comforting me. But it’s never given me butterflies, which is what I hope to feel when I see Ryan again.
I’m so relieved we’re ending on this note. We still love each other, but it won’t be a forced romantic love that shouldn’t have been there in the first place. I’m actually impressed with how mature Zach is acting.
“Can you tell my parents?” he asks.
And…there’s the Zach I know.
“How about we tell them together?” I say with a smile. He should be man enough to do it himself, but his parents are like family to me, too.
But as I walk up the stairs to the living room, it turns out they already heard Zach’s exclamation and are waiting for me. Mike has his hands in his pockets, and Julie looks at me with puppy-dog eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” I say to them. “I wish I’d been brave enough to say something sooner. But—”
Julie shakes her head, cutting me off. “It’s okay, hon. We’ll figure it out.” She holds her arms out, and I let her hug me, another weight lifted off my shoulders.
Now I have to face what I’ve been most worried about: my parents.