The Girl Most Likely To

Chapter Eighteen

It had been a long time since I’d stayed up this late and it didn’t involve a movie premiere after-party or a Gilmore Girls marathon. I didn’t make it a habit to have long conversations with anyone, not even Josh. Our conversations usually lasted over a meal before we went our separate ways to tackle our own to-do lists. Danny had always been the exception.

Danny and I stayed in our corner, watching Tao’s party turn into something like a scene at an underground warehouse party. Strobe lights flashed across a mass of bodies moving in sync as they danced to “Sandstorm”

by Darude.

“What do you think?”

Danny asked. “Is this everything you thought Tao’s party would be?”

“Is this it? Free beer and trance?”

Danny wobbled his hand to say more or less. “I guess I’m not as scandalized by adults drinking responsibly while staying close to their partners,” I said.

“Believe me. This was wild for us back in the day.”

“I’m sure.”

“It didn’t meet the hype, huh?”

Danny asked as I yawned.

“It’s not that. You’re going to think this is dumb, but after I was laid off, I thought I was entering my funemployment era. I envisioned that I’d be more spontaneous and do what I want.”

“No offense, but you’re not the spontaneous type.”

I glared at him, but there wasn’t any heat behind it. It was true. “So, tell me. What have you done in your funemployment?”

“Spent a traumatic day at a spa,”

I griped, “and then I started working as Nat’s assistant.”

“Doesn’t that mean you’re technically not funemployed?”

“Yeah, I see where I went wrong with that.”

It was hard for me to stay still. I had to keep busy or else I wasn’t maximizing every minute of the day to meet my potential. Somewhere along the line, I started to believe that the inverse must be true—that taking time off meant I was wasting away. I didn’t know how to relax. I’d been this way for so long, I wondered if I’d become a big knot tangled too tight to ever unravel.

The cinder-block wall was cold and hard against my back as I watched the party from a distance. “Do you ever feel like you’re an observer looking in?”

“Like a stalker?”

Danny was being a smart-ass.

“You know what I mean.”

I elbowed his arm. “You know why I never danced at a school dance?”

“Because you’d volunteer.”

“I chose to volunteer so I wouldn’t have to dance. I was afraid I was bad at it and I would look stupid. I talked myself out of trying things. No wonder I’m still trying to figure myself out.”

“Are you trying to tell me you want to dance?”

Danny started dancing in place, moving his arms in haphazard formations. “Pretend I have glowsticks.”

“No. I’m saying what I want is that,”

I said, pointing at him. He was so unapologetically happy as he rolled his body around like those inflatable tube men advertising a fee oil change off the side of the road.

“Excuse me. I have a name,”

he said without missing a pulsating beat, sassy with his faux-offense.

“No.”

I tried to copy Danny, but my arms stayed closed to my wooden body.

Danny laughed as he assessed my moves. “Are you dancing or turning the steering wheel?”

I dropped my arms. “I wish I could be less self-conscious and take more risks, even if it meant being bad at it for a while.”

“You’re in a rebuilding year.”

Danny finally stopped dancing and hugged me from behind, resting his chin on my shoulder. “No one expects you to turn your life around overnight.”

Danny didn’t understand. When you consistently deliver excellence, people take it for granted. Anything less than stellar felt like I was letting people down. I wished it didn’t take time for things to get better. I didn’t feel like me without a sense of purpose when I woke up in the morning. I wanted to be that person again. I liked that person and I didn’t know where she went. I needed a reset, a way to start over. I wanted to be a new and improved version of myself, one who wasn’t afraid to be bold.

A group of dudes started howling, and I made the mistake of looking at them. After a few drinks and much cajoling, Winston had climbed the diving board and stripped down until he wore nothing but a pink sequined thong. Some things hadn’t changed.

“Something tells me he planned this all along,”

Danny said. “So what do you think? Does it meet the hype now?”

I shushed Danny. I couldn’t hear what Winston was saying until someone handed him a microphone.

“Winnie’s back, bitches!”

Winston backed his thing up, causing the crowd to go bananas over his pale ass. It was a full moon indeed. It wasn’t pretty, but I admired the confidence.

Winston stopped at the edge of the diving board and teased everyone by dipping a toe in the water. “But I’m not going to do this alone. It ain’t a pool party if it’s only me in there. Which one of you bitches want to swim with me?”

The crowd murmured as some Daft Punk track started, building the anticipation. The night suddenly felt young again. Something came over me because I raised my hand. I could blame it on the liquor or the potent essential oil, but I was tired of feeling sad and this was my chance to do something a little reckless. I had nothing to lose.

“What are you doing?”

Danny asked.

I dropped my purse on the ground and shuffled out of my jacket. Danny’s eyes were glued to my exposed skin, making me feel invincible. “Watch these for me.”

“Wait! Rachel!”

he called out, but I didn’t look back. All night, I had talked about wanting a fresh start. What better way to do that than with a splash?

I let the adrenaline take over as I weaved through the crowd, leaving surprised classmates in my wake. I didn’t care if they thought I was crazy. My life was already out of control. I might as well let it take me for a ride.

I was a few feet from the clear blue pool when I leapt up and tucked in my knees. Shouts of awe and “What the fuck”

soon garbled as cool water enveloped me, swallowing me whole. As my body sank, I temporarily left the noise from the party and my failures behind. I held my breath, letting myself feel weightless as I floated up from the deep end. It was quite peaceful.

My quiet solitude was interrupted by other people diving in. I spotted Winston right away with that scrap of shiny pink fabric covering him. But the rest of the bodies were swimming in my direction. It was like half of the water polo team and Nat, torpedoing toward me.

I kicked myself up, but Nat reached me first. She grabbed an arm to pull me up and then toward the shallow end. “Are you okay?”

she said as she gulped for air. “Do you know how long you were under?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you,”

I said. I repeated this as the rest of my rescuers came out of the water. They waved me off and teased each other about their form. It was all fun and games to them. One of the guys gave me a high five.

“Dude, that was epic! You caught so much air!”

How about that? I’d never been called epic before.

Tao took over the DJ booth and shouted in the microphone: “Best reunion ever! Brought to you by the notorious T-A-O!”

The crowd chanted his name like this was his altar. Except for Mariana. She threw back her drink and crushed her cup.

Nat wasn’t too thrilled either, now that she knew I was fine.

“Rachel!”

Nat slicked her wet hair back, smearing her blue makeup. “What the fuck are you doing?”

she screeched.

“Felt like going for a swim,”

I said, earning a splash in the face.

“Not in my suit, you don’t,”

Nat said. “You’re going to get that dry-cleaned.”

“Yes, boss,”

I muttered, annoyed that I’d created more work for myself.

Tao’s aunts appeared and helpfully handed out towels as people got out of the pool. This must not have been their first rodeo. I waited in the shallow end for my turn.

Danny pushed his way to the edge of the pool, his eyes wide as saucers when he found me. “I can’t believe you did that.”

It was chilly now that I was out of the water. I slicked my hair back, squeezing as much water out of it as I could. “I felt like going for a dip.”

“You felt like—”

Danny clutched my jacket, shaking it in my direction. I’d never seen him this baffled. “I hope you got what you wanted out of that.”

Other than the smell of chlorine, I felt refreshed and alert. Then again, that could be from the way Danny’s eyes clung to my skin like my wet clothes did.

“Is this everything?”

he asked, showing me the things I’d left with him. Danny tossed my jacket over his shoulder and hung my purse on his elbow. His eyes dropped to the water. “Where are your shoes?”

I looked down at my cold, bare feet. “At the bottom of the pool?”

I guessed. I glanced back to the deep end, but Danny grabbed my arm.

“Don’t even think about it,”

he said, more sternly than I’d ever seen before. Next thing I knew, I lost my sense of gravity. Danny had lifted me off my feet and was holding me like he caught a big fish. “Put your arms around me.”

Danny was bossy. I liked it.

“I can walk,”

I insisted, though I did what I was told before I fell out of his arms and made a bigger scene. I never thought of myself as a damsel-in-distress type, but there was something to be said about being in the protective arms of a strong man.

The crowd parted for Danny, whispering among themselves as they watched me get carried out. Thank goodness I didn’t have to see any of these people tomorrow in the school hallways as the center of gossip, although I supposed there was an upside. If the last memory people had of Danny and me was of us fighting on Awards Night, it could now be replaced with the image of Danny carrying me out of Tao’s party. I considered that a win.

“Don’t pay attention to them,”

Danny said. “Focus on me.”

That wasn’t hard to do when his grip tightened, pressing me into his warm chest. His shirt was plastered to his skin, wet from holding me. His breath became more erratic the farther we walked. When I saw a bead of sweat trail down his straining face, I wondered if I was heavier than I thought.

After we made it out of Tao’s and had crossed the street, Danny asked, “Can you explain to me what possessed you to jump into the pool?”

I shrugged. “Haven’t you ever wanted to do something and not think about the consequences?”

“I think laws exist for a reason,” he said.

“When at Tao’s, right?”

Danny shot me a look like it was the dumbest reason ever.

“If you wanted a shower, you could’ve done it at my place.”

This would’ve been a totally innocent and awfully nice gesture if Danny’s ears hadn’t turned pink, giving away the moment his mind went into the gutter. “I mean . . . you know what I mean.”

I did, but I loved seeing him squirm. My fingers dug into the nape of his neck and played with the ends of his hair. “No. What do you mean exactly?”

Danny stole another glance at me, before responding with an annoyed, low grunt.

“I have to put you down to unlock the door,”

he said when we reached his house, though he didn’t make any move to do so.

“Okay . . .”

I wasn’t sure what was holding him up. I didn’t mind standing barefoot, or he could’ve put me down on one of the chairs on his porch.

“I can get you a towel and take you home,”

he suggested, “or you can stay.”

“And do what?”

I whispered conspiratorially into his ear, which was red-hot now. It was too easy to tease him.

His eyes lowered slightly, his voice soft and warm. “Anything you want.”

The joke was on me because Danny slid me down against the length of his body, caging me while he unlocked the door. He took up so much space, somehow taller and broader than before as he closed in, his leg settling in between mine. His hands met at the small of my back, bringing me closer as he dropped a kiss on my shoulder.

“That seems to be your favorite spot.”

“It is.”

He kissed it again, this time dragging his lips across my skin until he reached the sensitive spot behind my ear. “But I can find new ones.”

My heart raced like the countdown on a stopwatch. There wasn’t time to think. Only action. “Take me inside.”

May 2003

AP exams were over and, effectively, so was high school. I still had to show up for attendance reasons, but the last few weeks were filled with senior activities to send us off in good spirits. The hallways buzzed with excitement for Grad Nite at Disneyland, and people were making plans for Senior Ditch Day. Nat invited me to go to Newport Beach with the Drama Club, but I declined. I couldn’t tell her that I had to save money because my dad was having trouble selling his business. He was going to wait out his lease and close the print shop at a loss. I wasn’t even going to prom, not that anyone asked.

Though we had moved past our last fight, things with Danny hadn’t gotten back to normal. He came to tutoring for a while, but he had flaked this last week because of work. The topic of prom never came up, so I assumed he made other plans. Plans that didn’t include me.

I curled into my computer chair late Saturday night, ignoring my homework. It was all busywork now that exams were behind us. My grades were so high that these assignments would have no significant impact whether I turned them in or not. I’d eventually do them, though, because it was strange not to.

I logged into AIM, but no one was on. Everyone was at prom. I stared at Danny’s gray screen name. I wondered if he’d been online. Once I was done with studying for exams, I hadn’t been online, trading my computer for sleep. I typed out a message, even though he wasn’t going to see it until he logged on.

How’ve you been? I missed you.

I smashed the backspace button.

xxaznxbbxgrlxx: hope you’re having fun at prom

I closed the chat window and got up to get a snack when a notification sent me rushing back to my computer.

SuperxSaiyan85: i’m at home. you too huh?

He didn’t go? I heard all of his friends talk about getting a limo together. I assumed that included him too.

xxaznxbbxgrlxx: cost too much money

SuperxSaiyan85: same

SuperxSaiyan85: wanna meet up?

I was going to say yes anyway when he sent another message.

SuperxSaiyan85: movies?

My parents were already home, and they knew it was prom night, so I wouldn’t be able to be out late without them questioning it.

xxaznxbbxgrlxx: I can’t stay long

SuperxSaiyan85: how about my place? I have something for you.

Now he had me curious. He lived in an apartment complex near the school, but I’d never been there before.

xxaznxbbxgrlxx: send me directions

“Ignore the mess,”

Danny said when he opened the door. “It’s all my brother’s shit.”

The apartment was small and spartan. It was impossible to disregard the piles of cardboard boxes lying around. It was quiet too, so quiet that I heard my socked feet shuffle on the carpet on the way to the couch. Danny sank into the seat next to me, inadvertently bringing me closer.

“Um, here.”

Danny reached into a paper bag, fumbling for my gift. I wasn’t sure why. I could’ve opened my own present. That was usually how these things go. But then he produced a clear box. Inside, there were flowers resting on a bed of ribbon. “This is for you.”

It was the prettiest corsage I’d ever seen, made up of bundles of creamy roses with pink along the edges, as if they’d been dipped in watercolor. When I didn’t reach for it, Danny stammered, “D-do you want to put it on?”

I looked down at my outfit. I had come over in a T-shirt and cargo pants, thinking this was going to be a casual hangout. “I feel very underdressed.”

“That’s okay.”

He smiled as he opened the box. Long white ribbons unfurled as he lifted the corsage out of the box and slipped it onto my wrist. It took up most of my forearm. “The florist said this was a popular style.”

“It’s, uh, big,”

I said, unable to peel my eyes away from it. The ribbons flowed like streamers on a handlebar. “You didn’t have to.”

“You’re welcome,”

he said, as if to correct me.

“Thank you,”

I amended.

“Sorry if it’s a little bruised,”

he said, even though I couldn’t tell. “I wanted to give it to you at school yesterday, but you left campus before I got to you.”

“But why?”

I’d hardly spoken to Danny outside of school in the last few weeks. I isolated myself when I went into study mode. After I heard that I wouldn’t get any scholarships, studying was the only way I could be proactive. If I scored well, I could save some money by earning college credit.

“I heard you weren’t going to prom,”

he explained with a sheepish shrug, though his answer left me more confused.

“No, I mean—why are you being nice to me?”

“Why wouldn’t I be nice to you?”

I felt dumb for having to say it. “Because we had an argument. I didn’t even say sorry.”

“You don’t have to. I could tell you were going through something. I figured you’d tell me about it eventually.”

Danny was being extremely generous. I might’ve told him everything back when our online chats were anonymous. It was harder to face Danny when he’d already seen the ugly sides of me.

“I am sorry.”

Danny shot me a kind smile as he clasped his hands over his lap, so tight his knuckles were white. Words escaped me, so I gave him a friendly nudge with my arm. It was supposed to be platonic, but the heat of his skin lingered on mine like a small ember, catching the feelings I was trying to hide. It was painful to be this close to him, sharing the same air, for nothing to be happening.

On an impulse, I kissed Danny’s cheek. “Thanks,”

I added later.

Saying that was an excuse, a safety net in case he wasn’t interested. If he walked away from this like nothing happened, then I could live with having given him an innocent peck.

“What was that for?”

I hadn’t counted on Danny asking me a question. “Um . . .”

It was hard to think when Danny leaned in, like he had to do that to hear my answer. Lacking product for once, his hair fell to the side as he angled closer, stopping just shy of our lips touching. It left me nowhere else to look except his soft eyes, which implored me with something that felt a lot like hope.

“I just wanted to,”

I said, the words barely coming out of my mouth. It sounded lame and cowardly to my ears, but Danny must not have thought so. His gaze sharpened, like he’d found what he was looking for.

Danny dived in for a proper kiss that went deeper and deeper, like there was no beginning or end to it. We were free-falling. The kiss consumed me as the switch to my brain seemed to turn off and I let my body get lost in it. I kissed him back, trying to match his moves like a back-and-forth volley.

I needed him closer.

My back hit the sofa as I pulled Danny over me, letting my hands explore his chest and his shoulders. I wasn’t sure if Danny was enjoying any of this until he let his body become flush with mine and he moaned in my mouth.

Things were going well until he squeezed my boob like a sponge he wanted to wring dry.

“Not so hard,”

I whispered.

“Sorry,”

he replied into my neck, tickling my skin. His ears were so red. All was forgiven when his hands slipped into my pants. Every inch of my body became ultra-sensitive to his touch, building momentum. But then his fingers began to move erratically, like he lost his place.

The break in momentum gave me a moment of clarity. “Um, are we . . . ? Do you, you know?”

I cleared my throat. “Have protection?”

Danny looked like he was trying to solve a math problem in his head. “I don’t.”

My hands shot to his shoulders, putting some distance between us. In an instant, my brain flooded with every sex ed lecture showing images of squiggly sperm traveling to meet the egg. When was my last period? I was too young to be a mother!

“We should stop.”

I sat up and tried to smooth down my hair. Some petals fell on my lap. Our make-out session had done some damage to the flowers. A few roses flopped to the side. Danny’s lips were swollen, and if I looked at them any longer, I’d do anything to kiss them again. “I’m gonna go.”

“I can walk you out,”

he sputtered as I sprinted out the door.

I couldn’t wait for him. I was a ball of nerves, mostly frustrated, unsatisfied ones. I didn’t trust myself to make another smart decision. Being with Danny was thrilling and exciting and made me want to throw out every rule book. I couldn’t be this reckless. Not now, not when I had so much ahead of me.