The Happy Hour

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Eleven

You look chipper,’ Peggy said, when Ash walked through the pristine white door and into the airy reception room, five minutes after leaving Jess at the gates of the park, twenty minutes after he should have been here. The space smelled unusual, and he wrinkled his nose. ‘Ah,’ Peggy went on, ‘Mrs McBride dropped a glass bottle of lavender pillow spray. I’ve dealt with the glass, but the lavender... we’ll be lucky if all our visitors don’t fall asleep.’

‘

‘It doesn’t smell particularly soporific.’ Ash took off his jacket and put the slightly bedraggled kite on a chair. ‘It’s more... suffocating.’

‘Not a whole lot of difference between sleep and suffocation.’ Peggy grinned when he gave her a shocked look. ‘Coffee?’

‘I’d love one.’ This routine was so familiar now, the dread and shame creeping over him at his imminent, almost certain failure. He sat down and took out his phone, but he couldn’t send Jess a message to thank her for their hour, to ask if he’d imagined that brief brush of her lips on his cheek, because they still hadn’t exchanged numbers. Some further communication with her would have calmed his nerves, would have made this feel more possible.

‘I went to the heath with Jess,’ he called. There was nobody sitting behind the reception desk, but it always had a vase of fresh flowers on it. Today it was a bouquet of soft pink roses and carnations, their buds just beginning to open. It made him think of the cherry blossom on the trees in Greenwich Park.

‘I didn’t miss the kite,’ Peggy called back. ‘So that’s how you’re wooing her, eh?’

Ash smiled. ‘I’m not wooing her,’ he said, which was partly true. ‘We’ve just been having coffee together. I thought kite-flying would be fun.’

‘You could woo someone with your eyes closed.’ Peggy’s scoff carried from the kitchen. ‘Do you remember Miss Dennison from last week? She was wearing a purple jumpsuit.’

‘She turned up not long before I left?’

‘That’s right.’ Peggy brought him a mug brimming with frothy coffee and a packet of chocolate digestives. ‘When you’d gone, she asked if you were a hired actor.’

‘An actor? What role was I supposed to be playing?’

Peggy put the mug and biscuits on the coffee table. ‘I think her exact words were... Surely thatgorgeous hunk of a man was here as a distraction? He took my mind off everything.’

Ash exhaled. ‘Where’s my actor, then? My distraction?’ He hadn’t meant to sound so bitter.

‘I’m here, and I’m not acting,’ Peggy assured him. ‘Besides, she only said that because you didn’t go through: just talked to me for a bit, then left. Are you doing that again today?’

‘Not today,’ Ash said firmly. ‘I’m going in.’

‘What’s changed?’ Peggy hadn’t sat down, and he assumed she was anticipating being called away.

‘Nothing really,’ he said. ‘I had a good time with Jess. She took mymind off everything for a while. And she made me see that...’ He thought of what she’d said about being adopted, and the sense he got that she felt as if she didn’t really belong. ‘She reminded me that things could be worse. That all this...’ he gestured around him, ‘that I’m lucky, in lots of ways.’

‘To have somewhere like this to come to?’

Ash nodded. ‘That he’s here, being looked after. That I had him at all.’

‘That makes sense,’ Peggy said softly. ‘But just because someone else has had it worse, it doesn’t belittle your experiences. You don’t have to be grateful for a bad version of something because you think it’s better than nothing.’

Ash dug a biscuit out of the packet. ‘It’s just good to get other people’s perspectives; realise what they’re dealing with. I’ve been so caught up in my own situation – my self pity – that it’s easy to lose sight of everything else.’

‘Jess has given you some insight, then?’

‘Insight, fun, laughter. She’s the best thing about Sundays, and I still look forward to coffee with Mack, even though it can be a sparring match sometimes.’

‘It’s turning into a three-coffee Sunday, then.’ Peggy laughed. ‘And you know, you wouldn’t have met Jess if it wasn’t for your visits here.’

‘I wouldn’t have met her if I hadn’t gone to explore the market,’ Ash corrected. He didn’t want to give what he was doing here credit for his life colliding with Jess’s. He had to keep the two things separate.

‘Fair enough,’ Peggy said. ‘So she’s your new favourite Sunday thing. She’s pretty?’

‘She’s beautiful,’ he admitted. ‘Beautiful and challenging. She makes me think in a way I haven’t for a while, as if I’m waking up from a long sleep. We’ve come up with this subtle superpowers idea.’ He grinned, remembering the way she’d turned in his arms when he’d come up with the affirmation about them, and insisted he let her have it. And then that kiss. As chaste as it had been, he’d felt it everywhere. He could power himself for days on the memory of it.

‘Subtle superpowers?’ Peggy repeated.

‘The amazing things you can do that won’t change the world, but will have an impact on you and the people around you. I made it to the heath without losing any coffee from those flimsy takeaway cups. Jess looks after people instinctively, so they feel safe and cared for, but I don’t think she sees it as a big deal. I thought she wasn’t going to turn up today, but it turns out she’d gone to help one of her friends at the market. Apparently she does it all the time.’

‘Intriguing,’ Peggy said. ‘What about me?’

‘Well, you definitely look after people, but that side of you is fully on show: you’re a caregiver. So there must be something else. What do you think?’

‘I can make a delicious sandwich out of the most eclectic selection of ingredients. John is frequently amazedby what I come up with.’

‘Give me an example.’

‘Chickpeas and lemon curd.’

Ash stared at her. ‘No.’

‘I promise you, Ash. Take two slices of white, pillowy bread, crush the chickpeas with a bit of salt, add a thick spread of lemon curd, and it’s a treat for the tastebuds.’

‘I can’t... I refuse to believe that.’ He rubbed his cheek. He couldn’t think of anything worse, apart from a big pile of haggis. He wasn’t an offal fan.

‘See, now you’ve laid down a challenge. I know what you’re getting instead of a choccy digestive next week.’

‘If I tell you I believe you, will you let me off the hook?’

He hugged the biscuit packet to his chest.

Peggy folded her arms. ‘I’m not sure. I might leave it as a surprise: what will you be treated to next week? A boring old McVitie’s, or one of my special creations?’

‘It’s hard enough for me to come here as it is.’

Peggy smiled. ‘I can’t wait to see the look on your face.’

‘The look of abject horror?’

‘The look of wonder. Right. Come on, bring your coffee. We’re going in.’

Ash stiffened. She’d lulled him into a false sense of security and now he was desperate to run for the door. And this was despite the mantra he’d been silently reciting since he woke up this morning, despite the fact that seeing Jess, finding out more about her, had made him even more determined to take this next step.

‘You can do it, you know,’ Peggy said gently. ‘It feels like the hardest thing in the world, walking through the next door, but you’re strong enough. And think about your mum, and Dylan all the way over in New Zealand. They’re counting on you, in their own ways.’

Ash nodded. He was doing this for his mum, and Dylan – well, he didn’t feel quite the same way Ash did – but he still couldn’t be here, with his young family in Aukland. Ash had to do this for all of them, and so far he had failed spectacularly. The only updates he’d been able to give them ran along the lines of: The waiting room is nice and the staff are great, and no, I haven’t made it further than that but I promise you I will. It was time for him to keep his promise.

He stood up on legs that felt as if they had run up and down the Greenwich Park hill multiple times, instead of walking up and down once, and followed Peggy down a calming corridor, the walls a soft blue. Doors lined the hallway, brass numbers attached to the white-painted wood, as if they were normal flats with normal people and straightforward lives beyond them.

Ash imagined he could hear the muffle of low-spoken voices, confidences and apologies being shared, and the rhythmic beep of machines. But it was also entirely possible that he was imagining these things. Mostly, he could hear his heart pounding in his ears, the way his breath had shortened.

He wondered, stupidly, what Jess would think of him right now. She was tough, and slightly reserved – in a way that made him think she kept walls up to protect herself. It made sense, hearing about her upbringing. Would she tell him he was being pathetic, that he should get a grip?The thought of her shaking her head, rolling her eyes, or – this was far too much to hope for – wrapping her arms around him this time, telling him it would be OK, spurred him on.

Peggy stood next to the closed door like a sentry woman. ‘OK?’

Ash laughed. ‘Not really. But I need to do this.’

‘You’ll feel better, I’m sure. And once you’ve broken the seal, you can come back as often as you want. Say anything you want to.’

‘And will he...’ He cleared his throat, ashamed at the way fear churned up his insides. ‘Is he awake? Will he be able to hear me, if I speak to him?’

‘He does sleep a lot,’ Peggy said gently. ‘When I checked on him five minutes ago, he was sleeping. But even if he doesn’t wake up, he might be able to hear you. And, honestly?’ She waited for him to acknowledge her with a nod. ‘The important thing – for you – is that you get to say what you need to, in his presence. But if you’re not ready for that, if you just want to sit next to him, then that’s fine too. Ease into it as slowly as you like.’

Ash gripped the door handle. ‘I didn’t think I had a whole lot of time.’

‘We don’t know how much time there is. But you’re here, that’s what matters. And if you can only be in the room for five minutes, well – that’s more than last week.’

‘Right.’ Ash exhaled. ‘Right, let’s do it, then. Ready?’

He looked at her, needing reassurance, a sense of camaraderie, even though it wasn’t Peggy’s battle. His mum and Dylan were behind him, they wanted him to be here, but they weren’t here themselves, were they? He pushed down the surge of anger, and for a second let himself picture Jess’s face as they’d finally got the kite up in the air; the way she’d watched it soar, her eyes bright and her smile wide.

‘I’m ready,’ Peggy said. A reddish curl had escaped her neat ponytail and fallen over her face. She squeezed his arm.

Ash pushed down the handle and let the door swing inwards. He took another beat, another moment to compose himself, then walked into the room where his dad was waiting for him.