Chapter 12
12
Charley
T he door to my last class of the day opens just after our professor dismisses us. Echoes of students’ conversations bounce off the walls, and a pit forms in my stomach, hoping I won’t run into Cade Farmer.
Every time I check my phone, the text message he sent me sits there unread. A part of me wishes I responded before I got home because when I walked through the doors, shit hit the fan.
Food everywhere. Trash everywhere. The smell of spoiled, leftover chicken bones and ants in cups, dining on whatever sugary remnants left there.
My dad, asleep in front of the TV. The light from the screen illuminating his face. Dried-on food crusting in the corner of his lips.
I’ve never wanted to leave more than I did in that moment, standing in my house, studying my father in his own filth.
The reality of my situation hit me square in the face. I can’t even leave the house overnight. The constant texts. The arranging of food delivery. Being with Cade was the only time I forgot. But it wasn’t real. None of it was.
I’m stuck in Warner. In that decaying house. With a man who has turned more animal than human.
My tired eyes itch from lack of sleep. I stayed up cleaning until the first morning rays of sun poked through the drawn blinds. Then I made breakfast for a silent father, cleaned up again, and now I’m here.
Trapped. Stuck on repeat.
“Hey, did you take notes?” the guy next to me asks.
I blink up at him. No one ever talks to me. No one. “Sorry, what?”
He looks sheepishly at the floor. “I fell asleep. I had a rough weekend studying for a test in my last class, and I couldn’t stay awake with all the droning.”
“Oh, um, yeah. I did, actually.”
“Do you mind if I read through them?”
“If you take a look at chapter six—the highlights at the end—that was basically what he talked about. He does that a lot,” I state.
“Chapter six? Yeah, cool. Thanks.” We walk to the door. “But I was kind of hoping?—”
“There you are,” a familiar voice says.
I peer up to find Cade leaning against the opposite wall, his foot propped up on the painted brick. He’s highlighted on each side by bulletin boards, a Warner University football jacket flung over his arm. He looks like he just stepped out of a collegiate magazine. I swear, his teeth even sparkle.
My stomach tightens just looking at him. Fear. Anxiety. And I can’t lie to myself, there’s a healthy dose of attraction there, too.
But all of that is overpowered by the shit show that is my life playing in the background of my psyche.
Cade’s gaze moves to the guy beside me, and his smile drops, replaced by thin lips and narrowed eyes. “Who’s this?”
My shoulders sag. He sounds like a jealous boyfriend, and I don’t know much about dating, but I’m pretty sure I’d know it if I was in a relationship. I shrug, walking into the hallway and taking a right without either of them by my side.
It isn’t long before footsteps hit the tile behind me, and I’d bet my sanity it was Cade. Lithe. Agile. He’s not running but keeps up with me easily.
“You hungry? Wanna get a late lunch?”
“Can’t,” I say, the word coming out only because of the guilt tugging at me. He’s not a bad guy. In fact, he’s the exact opposite.
“Busy? Like you were too busy to respond to my text?”
“I am, actually,” I say, my voice coming out choked. Who knows what kind of nonsense I’ll have to deal with when I get home. I don’t know if my father will be talking to me, or if I’ll wish he still wasn’t.
The hallway starts to feel like quicksand, and it takes every ounce of energy I have to navigate down it.
“Hey, Charley.” He grabs my hand. “Come on, what happened?”
I turn, and for everything Cade is, he’s genuine. His brows are pinched, concern settling into his gaze.
While I was squashing ants and doing dishes, I thought about Cade. Thought about what I would say to him to get one complication out of my life. I swallow to make sure my throat will work. “I’ve been thinking about it, and we’re too different.”
He steps closer. “If you’re upset about what happened, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pressure you.”
My heart slams painfully. The memories of those few moments of bliss both in the hotel room and bundled up in his arms on the bus hit like a Mack truck. It was like Cade was my shield. The problem is, my life is a battering ram. “I’m not upset. I’m just saying this isn’t going to work out. We might as well stop it now because this is…” I trail off because everything I come up with to say is a lie. Other thoughts spring forward but they’re contradictory to the point I’m trying to get across. Like my heart hasn’t gotten the memo from my brain.
Around us, the hallway empties out, and it’s just Cade and me and my uneven breaths as I try to figure out how to get out of this.
“You’re scared,” he says, lifting a hand to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear.
I maneuver out of his way. “I’m fucking terrified, but that’s not what I’m saying. Cade, please. This isn’t going to work. And I’m flattered you’re trying, and you’ve tried so hard, but I’m damaged. Obviously. You know this is going to end in heartbreak for both of us, so you should probably go focus on some nice girl who smiles at you and?—”
The corners of his mouth tip up. “You smile…sometimes. And it’s the most beautiful fucking thing I’ve ever seen.”
“You know what I mean.”
“I do, but you’re calling the wrong play, and you know it.” He takes in all of me. “You’re trembling. See?”
“I’m cold,” I lie.
“I’m not asking you for a commitment, Sunshine. Only lunch.”
“No.”
I try to turn, but he holds back on my arm. “I don’t believe you.”
“Maybe you should add English to your studies because I don’t think you’ve grasped your native language yet.”
“Spell it out for me.”
“I don’t want you,” I choke out.
“Lie.”
“We’re too different.”
“Lie.”
“We’re literally exact opposites.”
“Except in the ways that matter. Do I need to say it again? Lie .”
“You’re trying too hard,” I state, throwing his own words at him.
“I’m beginning to think there might not be a too hard when it comes to you.”
“I don’t want to be your goddamn charity case.” I rip my hand from his grip and turn, tears threatening to spill over, fracturing the vision of the empty hall in front of me.
If I just keep my head down and walk, tune him out, I’ll be fine. I need to get some fresh air, remember why I’m doing this in the first place.
I don’t make it very far when he calls out, “Do you know who Chuck Norris is?”
What the hell ? I don’t falter. This is just some weird tactic of his.
“Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe. He holds air hostage.”
My steps slow. Has he gone mad? Maybe I’ve broken him.
“Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger by yelling ‘ Bang! ’”
This does not compute. Is he serious?
“The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.” He barely takes a breath. “When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.”
A chuckle escapes, and I stop my escape. For a moment, I stare down the hall to the glass doors. My escape. But maybe they’re not that at all.
I turn to face Cade. “You’re insane, you know that? What are you doing? What is this?”
“I learned a bunch of jokes to make you laugh.”
His words make my stomach clench in a way that feels dangerous. Like my body is overpowering my brain. Every argument that pops in my head gets overturned one by one with the beat of my heart.
“Chuck Norris once had a staring contest with the sun, and he won.”
Cade steps forward, that charming smile on his face, and my chest squeezes in response.
“Chuck Norris doesn’t need to wear a watch. He simply decides what time it is.”
I’m grinning now as he saunters up to me. I don’t know what Cade Farmer might have in store for me, but I’m beginning to think the ride might be worth it. “Why Chuck Norris?”
“He’s an icon.” He grips my chin. “And so are you.” He holds it so I can’t peer away, as if he knew that would be my first reaction. No one has ever known me quite this well. I can’t remember the last person I told about my mom. Hell, I can’t remember the last time I talked about my mom. “Go to the café with me. I’ll buy you a drink, maybe a bakery item. Something that’s definitely sweeter than you.”
I laugh, and his grip on me softens. He traces my chin to my cheekbones with his fingers, staring at me in wonder. “This time, you don’t revert back to old Charley. Understand?”
The look he gives me, it makes me want to tell him everything. To break down like I’ve never done before and tell him what I came home to early Sunday morning. How my dad still isn’t speaking to me. How every day I have to watch him slowly kill himself.
The dam I erected is getting closer to bursting. What a relief it would be to crumble to the ground and let Cade Farmer pick me up.
“I…”
One corner of his mouth tugs up higher than the other in what can only be described as adorable. I can’t burden Cade with my shit. Not now. Possibly not ever. He’s too happy.
“I’ll go to the café with you.”
Cade loops my arm through his without hesitation, closing my fist around his forearm. Then, he swings my bag to his own shoulder.
It’s amazing how many people see me when I’m walking with Cade. They call out to him, and he has a mini conversation with every single person. For some of them, their stares linger on me until they pass or get distracted by their phones. It makes my shoes heavy, but with Cade leading me, it doesn’t feel like an insurmountable task to have others staring.
“Cade. Charley.”
I start at my name and then peer up to find a hulking figure passing by. “What’s up, West?” Cade says.
We pass, and I glance over my shoulder. “Football player?”
“Wow, you literally do live in your own world, don’t you?”
I shrug. “He knew my name.”
“You should never be surprised about that.” He takes my chin, making me look at him again. “Now, stop staring at Big Man because you’re making me jealous.”
My lids flutter down. “You’re crazy.”
We get closer to the café, and I spot a line nearly to the exit door. My palms grow clammy, and I try to slip my grip away from Cade’s so he doesn’t feel them, but he holds me in place.
The aroma of coffee assaults my nostrils when we step in. The chaos of several dozen conversations at varying levels of volume overwhelm the soft music playing in the background. I stand close to Cade, my gaze darting everywhere. I would never come here on my own. One, I don’t have any money for coffee and a dessert, and two, I usually go right home to Dad.
Fuck…Dad . I check my watch, my heartbeat ratcheting up. It hasn’t been that long , I tell myself. I can tell him I had to go to the library . With any luck, he still won’t be talking to me, so maybe we won’t start a conversation at all. I’ll just be assailed with his sharp looks and jerky movements. My father is the king of saying something without saying anything at all.
“How were your classes today?” Cade asks, rubbing his thumb over my hand where we connect.
“Um…boring? I’m tired.”
“Away games can be kind of tricky like that. You’ll get used to it.”
“What about yours?” I ask. “What kind of schedule does a fifth-year senior have, anyway?”
“Oh, you looked me up?”
My jaw unhinges, but I close it with a snap. “I did, actually. Definitely didn’t think that question through ahead of time.”
“I don’t mind the idea of you researching me. Don’t think I didn’t either. I couldn’t find you on any socials, so I couldn’t even simp over your selfies while you were ignoring my text.”
“I don’t take selfies. I would’ve thought you’d deciphered that about me.”
“Can I take a pic of us now?”
“Now?” My cheeks heat.
“So I have something to stare at when you aren’t around.”
The same heat plummets into my core and expands.
He leans into me. “Please?”
“S-sure.”
Cade doesn’t waste any time pulling his phone out and stretching his arm to get the angle right. I smile automatically. He takes the pic, and I’m desperate to see it when he brings his phone down.
Wow. I bite my lip. I don’t even look like myself in the image. My smile. The way I’m holding on to Cade. A pretty flush even colors my cheeks, and there’s a spark in my eye. My bathroom mirror never shows these things. My eyes are always dull. Lifeless. My face pulled taut, more like I belong in a mortuary than a college campus.
Cade rubs his thumb over my smile and then pockets his phone again when we move up to the counter. “Carmel latte for me and…” He looks at me expectantly, and I freeze on the spot. I’ve only ever had coffee out of a pot from my house before. I recover as quickly as I can. “Same for me. Please.”
His hand wraps around mine again. “Any of the doughnuts look good to you?”
“Chocolate.”
“Noted,” he says. To the clerk, he confirms, “Add two chocolate doughnuts, please.”
After he pays, we move off to the side near a sign that says Pick Up. I study the counter in front of me so I don’t gawk at all the people in the café and the way they maneuver around and, well, basically have lives. I’m usually on and off campus like a ghost. Classes and football are the only reasons for me to set foot here. I have all the space and relative quiet I need at home.
“Cade?” a girl at the counter announces.
I release his arm so he can grab our stuff. He twists the bag, and I spot a string of numbers. Cade drops his arm immediately and then gives me a tight smile. “One sec, okay?”
He steps in front of me, and all I can see is his lithe form accentuated by his Warner University football jacket. Blue looks good on him. It highlights his dark hair.
Eventually, he spins back around to offer me the coffee I ordered. When I take it, he leans back over the counter. With all the talking in this space, I can’t hear what he says, but eventually, he turns with the bag in one hand and his coffee in the other. “We should go,” he says.
“We’re not going to eat here?”
He shakes his head. “Nah, I don’t feel like getting dirty looks the whole time I’m trying to impress you.”
Dirty looks? Oh . My stomach plummets. I gaze around and see most everyone is looking at us. He’s embarrassed. “I can just go,” I tell him, feeling the weight of everyone’s stares.
“Go? Why?”
“You’re…upset?”
He opens the door for me, and we step outside to cooler air, taming the heat burning my cheeks.
“It…happens sometimes, but don’t worry, I told her it was rude as shit, considering I was there with you.”
I’m not following…
My brain starts to string events together until it flashes on the numbers I saw on the bag. “She gave you her number,” I state. And that’s why he didn’t want to get dirty looks while we were in there eating. “You told her that was rude? For me?”
“Well, yeah, because it is.” He takes a deep breath, his gaze searching around campus. “We could go to the cafeteria. The library? My room?”
As much as the mention of his room sends a jolt of heat through me, I say, “The library is good.”
“We can get a quiet corner and talk.”
I nod in agreement. Now I won’t actually have to lie to my dad about where I was.
Cade leads me in the direction of one of the newer buildings on campus, a fair bit more modern with sleek lines and policies that aren’t from the Dark Ages. For example, we can take our food and drink to a table in the co-study area. We just can’t take them into the stacks.
The lighting is low for a place that’s erected for people to study. Cade finds us a spot near a window that looks over the quad. It’s a two-person table with plush lounge chairs.
The only time I’ve been in this building was during orientation, and I definitely don’t remember this being on the tour. We’d only stopped inside the lobby before they told us about the research area and books, not cozy places to sit to talk to a gorgeous guy.
Cade takes a sip of his coffee while I sit. I stare at the top before I do the same, hesitant at first. My mouth, however, is pleasantly surprised by the surge of caramel that takes over my tastebuds. “Mmm, that’s good.”
“Isn’t it?”
Cade hands me a napkin and then puts each of our doughnuts on one. The chocolate frosting on mine mounds to a point in the middle. The clear glaze smells delicious and inviting as I take my first bite. The savory-sweet flavor has me moaning. “Man, this is good.”
“Now you’re making me jealous.”
“Of a doughnut?”
“Anything your mouth touches, Sunshine.”
“You’re ridiculous.”
I peer around, more at ease here than when I was at the café. “Do you come here a lot?”
“I used to,” he says, swallowing his bite. “But now I have a single room, so since I have private space, I don’t really need to anymore.”
“It must be nice to be Cade Farmer.”
He licks a piece of glaze from his lips, and I have to look away.
“What about you? Do you have a roommate?”
I can feel the energy drain from my face. This is stupid. I should’ve known I wouldn’t be able to talk to Cade like I was a normal person. How do I tell him about my dad?
“Yeah,” I croak out. “I have a roommate.”
“Do you get along?”
“Sometimes.” Now that is mostly true.
“If you ever need to get away, you can stop by my room.”
“So chivalrous.”
“That isn’t exactly what I have in mind.”
He watches me eat for a moment, his gaze never leaving my lips. “You make eating look so wrong.”
“I think you just have a dirty mind.”
“I have an affliction,” he admits. “I like to imagine you and I together at all times, doing unholy things to the other.”
“Unholy?”
He bites down on his lip. “It’s the only way I can describe what I’m thinking about right now.”
I throw a spare napkin at him while I try to tame the nerves coursing through me. “Control yourself.”
He grins, and we finish eating our doughnuts without talking. It’s a comfortable silence, though. The kind where I let my mind wander and don’t get embarrassed by where it takes me.
I wash the doughnut down with a few mouthfuls of the caramel coffee. The two pair perfectly together. “So, out of curiosity, what is your room number?”
“Oh, don’t do this to me.” He grins. “You can’t tease me like you’re going to come over one day and then just not show up.”
I shrug. “You never know.”
“I’m in 323, and I’ll welcome your company whenever you want to bestow it upon me. In the middle of the night. In the middle of the day. In whatever state of dress you show up in…”
“There’s an option?”
“Clothes are fully optional in Casa Farmer.”
“How do you always know the right thing to say?”
His gaze smolders. “They’re not the right things. It’s just the truth, Sunshine, which is easy to say when you’re being yourself.” He holds his coffee cup between his hands. “I’ve been dying to know if you’ve thought about us since Friday night.”
His question is loaded, and by the way his eyes twinkle, I’m sure he doesn’t mean any variation of us other than when we were together. “I’ve been really busy…” I tease, and though that’s one hundred percent true, I had time for my mind to wander, to dream, and I’d be lying if I said Cade wasn’t involved in any of those moments.
“But…” he leads.
“But if I’m being honest with myself, then yes. I did.”
“Did you think that maybe you’d like to do something like that again?”
“It crossed my mind.”
He takes a deep breath. “Good. But let’s change the subject before I’m too uncomfortable to walk out of here.”
A picture of Cade stroking himself for me makes my mind blitz out and heat scorch my insides.
I make myself look away, mentally fanning my face. I don’t know who I am anymore. Off to my left, a couple maneuvers to a table of their own, laughing and talking, and it hits me. That’s probably what outsiders see when they look at me and Cade. The picture he took on his phone was evidence of that.
I’m…alive with him. And I like it.