Chapter 19
Fynn”s laughtercut through the surrounding noise as the actors crashed into one another, their performance bringing tears to the spectators.
”What did I miss?” Terin asked as he came up behind us and wrapped an arm around Fynn”s shoulders, knocking Fynn into me.
I took a small side step.
Riley trailed behind Terin, cheeks flushed, but I was too distracted by Terin”s question to give it any thought. My eyebrows twisted together as I tried to recall what happened in the performance I hadn”t been paying any attention to.
In fact, I hadn”t been paying much attention to anything since Fynn kissed me in the middle of the ballroom.
Since his hand gripped my thigh.
Since his fingers brushed the bare skin of my back.
The ghost of his gentle touch still lingered there as if he had somehow marked my very soul.
Hours must have passed, yet I couldn”t get the taste of his lips off my mind.
Movement flickered in my peripheral vision—a staff member strolling by balancing a precarious number of thinly stemmed glasses on a silver platter. I grabbed a glass as he passed and drank, letting the cool wine simmer the rising heat in my stomach.
”Oh, you missed it, Ter and Riley,” Fynn said. ”The two comedians were making a joke about the bull king and his?—”
”I”m going to get some fresh air,” I said as Fynn prattled.
Not bothering to wait for a response, I weaved through the crowd. As I downed the rest of the wine, I tried to drown out everything around me: Fynn”s voice, his laughter, the phantom warmth on my back, on my lips, on my?—
”By the gods,” I groaned.
I kept walking until the fresh air swept across my face. But Pontanius himself must have cursed the sea”s breeze, for it did little to soothe the burning consuming me.
I had set aside these feelings a long time ago. There was no reason I should have been getting heated about Fynn.
It was all pretend, I reminded myself.
He kissed me to ensure the kingdom believed we were serious. Yet the only thing it did was seriously confuse me.
I rubbed a hand across my face, groaning.
What am I doing?I asked myself.
”Danisinia.”
I straightened at the queen”s gentle voice and turned, curtsying. When I stood, Esmeray smiled. I could barely make my lips twitch, though, as her searing blue eyes bore into me. I had only known Esmeray to be a kind woman, but I had heard rumors about her gift—how she could rip memories from one”s mind and claim them for her own. I had never feared her before, but now. . .
”Where”s Fynneares?” Esmeray asked.
”Oh, uhm.” My gaze flitted across the garden. ”He and Terin are watching the rest of the performance. I came outside to get some fresh air.”
She nodded, her gaze slipping to the manor behind me before her attention returned to me. ”These events can be a lot sometimes.”
”Indeed,” I mumbled, twisting a curl around my finger behind my back.
”Walk with me for a moment?”
I tipped my head, unwilling to deny the queen. ”Of course, Your Highness.”
Esmeray strolled forward, and I walked beside her.
”Now, Danisinia, how many times have I told you? There is no need for such formalities. I have known you for your entire life. By the gods, I was there when you first started walking. We are practically family, so please, call me Esmeray.”
I chewed on the inside of my cheek, the discomfort of the lie growing thick in my throat from the Queen”s words. I had always been comfortable around Esmeray, but now she wasn”t simply looking at me as her boys” childhood friend. In her eyes, I was now something. . .more.
But it was all a lie.
”Of course,” I said with a tight smile, keeping my hands close to my body as she led us through the garden.
The captain of her guard walked several paces behind us. While his hands were folded behind his back, he remained alert as people celebrated the solstice all around us.
Despite only three or four hours left before midnight, there was still plenty of daylight ahead before night fell upon us. Music from the ballroom swirled around the manor’s land, wrapping around the jovial faces of the guests who ran and danced and rejoiced in the gardens.
A group of children ran toward us, laughter filling their mouths and their attention lacking as they nearly ran into the queen. Esmeray, without blinking, moved to the side, smiling. As the children rounded the corner of the manor, their voices faded. The queen turned to one of the flower beds lining the paths. Different types of flowers in various vibrant shades of purple, pink, yellow, and orange filled the beds. Esmeray bent down, her lavender dress pooling at her feet and into the dirt.
Behind us, Airos made to step forward, but the queen stopped him with a lift of her hand. She brushed her fingers delicately across the sea of colors until she separated one from the rest.
”Dahlias were Marc”s favorite flower,” she said after a moment.
Fynn had told me that a month or so ago when we were strolling through the castle”s gardens. Dahlias bloomed all over the castle”s property with entire sections of the magnificent gardens dedicated solely to the flower. Here, the dahlias were sparse among the other brilliant blooms.
”They are beautiful,” I said quietly.
”Indeed, but their beauty is not why my husband favored them of all the rest.” Esmeray plucked the bloom with a quick snap of its stem and stood, a palm pressing against her thighs. Specks of dirt spotted her dress where her hand touched, but she didn”t notice. She twisted the stem between her fingers, the pointed petals of the Dahlia spinning and melting into a sunset. ”Do you know what dahlias signify, Danisinia?”
I pursed my lips, but none of my studies had ever revolved around flowers besides their medicinal and poisonous qualities. Neither of which were helpful in this situation.
”I cannot say that I do.”
Esmeray smiled, still spinning the flower. ”Dahlias represent a sort of inner strength, one that is not so easily shaken by external conditions.” She sighed, stilling the vibrant flower. ”Before we were engaged and found out we were soul bonds, Marc never pictured himself having a prestigious title. While he was set to inherit his father”s title of lord, he had always planned on surrendering it to his sister, Marsella. Marc did not enjoy all the pomp and circumstance that came with bearing a title. When he discovered that our fathers had arranged for us to be married, he was outraged.”
”He was?”
Esmeray nodded, amusement flashing across her eyes as she recalled the memory. ”So much so that he even ran.”
”Were you upset?”
The queen laughed, loud and unrestrained. ”Upset? Oh no. Not at all. How could I be upset when I had done the same thing?”
”You ran away? The boys never mentioned?—”
Esmeray waved a hand and interrupted, ”Those boys only listen to half the things I tell them.” She brought the flower to her nose and sniffed. ”Then again, I never told them that particular part of the story.”
”Why not?”
”Could you imagine how often Fynn or Graeson would have used that against me growing up? As unfair as it may be, we live in a different world now than we did then.” Sighing, she continued, ”Anyway, that is not the point of this story. When Marc and I finally came to terms with our arrangement, he still fought the title of King Consort.”
”I had always heard he wore the crown well.”
”He did indeed, but that does not mean he always enjoyed sacrificing his personal time for the sake of the crown.”
Guilt rose in my throat, and sweat licked my palms. ”Your Highness, I apologize for?—”
Esmeray raised a hand, silencing me. ”You do not need to explain yourself to me, Danisinia. While you may have been late, you showed up when you were needed. That is what matters.”
I bit down on my tongue.
She swiped a hand down her dress, finally brushing off the dirt. ”I do not tell you this because I believe you must follow in my late husband”s footsteps. You”ve always been career-driven, and I deeply admire that about you. Truth be told, it”s one of the many reasons I was thankful when you first started studying and training with my sons. It was my selfish hope that some of that would rub off onto them, Fynneares especially. He can be so. . .”
Amusement wrinkled the corner of my eyes when the queen’s words fell off. ”Heedless?” I suggested.
”And then some.” The queen chuckled softly as if recalling another memory. ”Now, Danisinia, do not take offense by what I say next.”
I nodded, although a sourness filled my stomach as nerves tingled my fingertips.
”At first, I was unsure if this courtship between you was any different from Fynneares” last ones. But after seeing the two of you together tonight, I cannot help but think it is different.”
My lips parted, the guilt rising too high to keep restrained, but Esmeray continued before I could speak.
”Fynneares is like his father in more ways than he realizes. And for that, I am thankful that he has you standing beside him.”
I took a deep breath and met the queen with an even gaze. ”If I may be frank, Esmeray?”
”Always, my dear.”
I rolled my shoulders back, steadying myself. ”Fynn doesn”t need me or anyone at his side. He may be more reckless than not, but he cares deeply about this kingdom and will be a great king no matter.”
Esmeray gave me a sad smile. ”You and I may believe that, Danisinia, but does he? Often, we are the last ones to see the truth within ourselves.”
Once a coupleof council members whisked Esmeray away, I walked further away from the castle, finding a solitary spot on the hill where the music was no more than a dull buzz in the background. While Esmeray meant well, I couldn”t help but drown in my own guilt.
I thrived on facts and logic, but nothing about the courtship with Fynn was logical or factual.
Not anymore.
As my mind got lost among the stars finally appearing in the sky, a twig snapped somewhere in the distance behind me. The back of my neck prickled. Without turning around, I took a long breath before saying, ”Fynn.”
”There”s no sneaking up on you, is there?” Fynn asked.
I huffed a laugh, but it came out coarser than intended.
Fynn sat beside me with an oomph and stretched out his legs. ”You disappeared during the performance. I tried searching for you, but. . .”
It had been over half an hour since I had left the small theater. If Fynn had been trying to find me, he hadn”t searched hard enough.
”I needed some fresh air,” I said with a shrug.
”Ah.”
”What are you doing out here, anyway?” I asked, peering at him from the corner of my eye.
He raked his fingers through his hair. ”I needed some fresh air, too, I guess. In truth, I probably would have found you sooner, but your father stopped me before I could get too far.”
Despite the summer heat, my skin grew cold. ”Did he?—”
Fynn shook his head. ”He doesn”t suspect anything. He didn”t even bring it up.”
”I suppose that is unsurprising. Whenever my mother brings it up in front of him, he stays quiet or finds some paperwork that suddenly requires his attention. I can”t tell if it”s good or bad that he hasn”t asked any questions.”
”I would say it’s good,” Fynn said, his tone calm as he leaned back on his palms. ”His shields are strong—always have been—but he didn”t seem suspicious. We were actually talking about one of my recent proposals.”
”Oh?”
Fynn”s jaw flexed. He fixed his gaze upon the sea where the sun hung low in the sky, hovering above the horizon. ”It”s been fifteen years.”
There were no words to give that would lessen the pain, so instead, I kept quiet and let him talk.
”The council had a meeting a month ago, and I recommended sending a squadron to get more accurate intel.”
My eyes widened, but I quickly flattened my expression before Fynn could notice. This must have been the reason for the extra practices. They were trying to identify who they would send.
Before I could say anything, Fynn sighed and continued, ”My mother keeps telling me to be patient, but—” He swallowed, pulling one knee closer to his chest and resting his chin atop it.
”It”s okay to be sad, Fynn.” I bumped my shoulder into his. ”It”s even okay to be angry.”
”I”m not?—”
”Fynn,” I said, cocking my head to the side.
”Fine. Usually, I”m better at holding it in—at compartmentalizing these things. But my mother has been bringing my father up more and more these days.”
”He was her soul bond. I don”t even know what I would do if I lost my other half. The pain she feels is unimaginable. For her to be able to talk about him, though, that”s a good thing, Fynn.”
”I know it is, and I don”t want her to continue hiding from those memories. But when she compares me to him, it feels like I”m disappointing her.” His hand grazed the grass. He plucked a single blade. After inspecting it briefly, he discarded it. He repeated the process, ripping blades of grass from the soil, his brows twisting. ”I”m not him. I”m not even close,” he mumbled.
”King Marc was a wonderful man, Fynn. He was a great leader, a great friend, a great father and husband.” My hand landed on his hand, stilling it. ”But you will be, too.”
Fynn was quiet for a moment as he stared at the ground. After a moment, he dragged his attention up to meet my gaze. Disbelief was written in his brown eyes. ”How do you know?”
I squeezed his hand. ”Because you care.”
His fingers twitched beneath my palm, but he didn”t move away. ”So?”
”People who don”t care don”t put in the effort you do.”
His shoulders dropped, and he faced the sea.
”Can I give you some friendly advice?” I asked.
Fynn tilted his head toward me slightly. ”Only if it”s friendly, Ferrios.” He winked, his classic smirk returning. Yet neither his gaze nor the quirk of his lip held any of its usual cockiness. Instead, when I looked at Fynn, I only saw a sad prince trying to make everyone but himself happy.
”Stop trying to be your father. You”re not him.”
He turned his gaze back toward the sea. ”This doesn”t sound too friendly.”
He went to pull his hand away, but I tightened my grip around it.
”I”m not finished,” I said. ”You”re Fynneares Andros Nadarean—being you is more than enough. You might have been born twenty minutes before Terin?—”
”Ten minutes, actually,” Fynn said, interrupting.
I rolled my eyes with a tsk. ”But that”s not why you were named heir.”
When his lips parted as if he was going to interrupt again, I added, ”Nor is it because of your gift. Your mother and the advisors chose you because of who you are. You care about this kingdom more than anyone else I know. You go into town, you talk to the shopkeepers, you befriend anyone you see simply because you can. You connect with them; you laugh with them. You stand up for what you believe in. You know the rules, but you also know when you can break them. You may not be your father, but you will be a great king one day, Fynn. I can promise you that.”
His eyes stayed fixed upon the sea. If I hadn’t known better, I would have thought he wasn”t listening, but then I felt the brush of his hand as he flipped it over, followed by the weaving of his fingers between mine.
”Thank you, Dani.”
I turned to watch the sun fall. ”That”s what friends are for, right?”