The Heir She Loved (Shadows of Sin #4)

24 Olivia

October 13th, 2022

“Good morning.”

That voice I recognized. Soft and sultry, beautiful. Rae Bennett, Jack’s Claim. His wife. She had worn the bunny mask, and if I wasn’t mistaken…

“Good morning, Liv.”

Emily was with her. They didn’t always come together, but more often than not, they did. It was predictable, dependable.

I liked listening to them. Sometimes they would take turns reading a book out loud, other times they would just have conversations amongst themselves, asking me questions every now and again only to move on when I didn’t answer.

Talking was more difficult than it should have been. I wanted to answer. I did. Sometimes, I tried so hard, my head pounded, but nothing came out. Not a raspy answer, not a whisper of a letter. My lips just remained shut.

Nothing was important enough. I couldn’t waste my only power on meaningless things, even when I wanted to. Even when I craved to.

But listening to them, I had learned so much. Emily wasn’t even a part of this life like Rae was. She stayed at home, running her successful publishing company while Greyson ran the city. New York, I think. It was a big enough city to keep him busy, and Malachi actually appreciated that Greyson had turned into a homebody, unlike the others who still traveled to do their work.

Emily had even written some poetry books, and published them, but only after she published the ones her mother had written before she and her twin sister died. Her story was tragic and beautiful.

I had learned about Rae’s life too. How her mom and dad were just like Malachi. How she had been raised in this life, only to be tortured herself, brainwashed into forgetting everything. Jack had helped her find her way back to the light, but only because Rae had asked. Jack believed that she was capable of restoring herself without any help, and hearing about her adventures with Jack and Zo made me believe that she would have been fine whatever had happened.

These women were both strong, overcoming these horrible events and coming out the other side fiercer, better than before.

So why the fuck was I still trapped in my own mind. Why couldn’t I heal like they could? Why couldn’t I get out of this?

Why couldn’t I forget what happened to me like Rae could?

Rae and Emily walked around the bed, Evelyn just behind them, all three of them smiling and happy, but even now, they avoided blocking the window.

Everyone learned really early on that the window couldn’t be obstructed. Not by shades or a person, not by a plant or a machine. I had to see the city. I had to see the world.

“Today is October 13th,”

Rae said, her face radiating in life. “Which means it is exactly 4 days until my 29th birthday,”

she informed me. “But we’re going to wait to have the party until everyone is available. It’s going to be so much fun.”

They told me the date every day now. I didn’t believe them the first time they had told me because how could I? I wasn’t in that room for two and a half months, I couldn’t have been, but that’s what they said, and I didn’t think they would lie over something as silly as the date. Even for my sake.

I also learned from Greyson that I had missed Everett’s birthday. August 21st. He was 30 years old now.

He hadn’t come to visit me yet. Not even once. Everyone else had, even Azrael, although he had just stood in the corner and stared before finally speaking to me.

I remembered that day. I was in a haze, coming out of some drug-induced nap, and Azrael was there, his eyes glowing in the darkness. It had been night, I guess, because everything was dark.

“I can see it, you know,”

he had said. “That little crack they found in your soul and widened. Like calls to like, rose. It would do you well to remember that. He may be your Claim, but it was you who so eloquently described the difference between twin flames and soulmates. I don’t believe in such trivialities, but if I did, I would have to say that while you and the mountains are flames, you and I? Our souls hum to the same frequency.”

I had no idea what he meant, but I have thought about it every single day since he said it.

I hadn’t seen Everett since the day I got here though. Sometimes I thought I heard his voice, but I had thought I heard it in the room too, and he had never been there. I hadn’t seen or heard from Phil either. Had they killed him?

As far as I knew, they had killed everyone else at that compound. Every single person in the Delepski family tree was now dead. And if they weren’t, Malachi had sent people out to make sure they were. Everyone involved in their business, in their diamond dealings, they were all scattered across the world now.

All of them except for Phil, I hoped.

“Hey, Lucy,”

Emily greeted, her long black hair falling over her shoulders as she leaned over to scratch my dog.

She was absolutely beautiful and the complete opposite of Rae in style. She had a grunge, gothic, emo thing going on, but she also loved neon colors, reminding me of that woman from the posters I had seen outside The Club so long ago.

Her makeup was loud and beautiful, and her outfits, fuck, I loved her outfits. Today she was sporting black fishnets, black biker boots, a pink, pleated plaid skirt, and an over-sized zip-up hoodie with neon graffiti all over it. Her eyeshadow matched her skirt, and her eyelashes could reach the moon.

While Rae, out of my peripheral vision, looked like she had walked straight off the cover of vogue with her red-bottomed black boots, her skinny designer jeans, white boyfriend shirt, and neutral, glittering makeup, save for the red lip.

I envied them both. Not just for the clothes they wore, but for the smiles on their faces.

Lucy’s tail hit my leg with each wag, but she only snuggled closer to me as if she hoped her joy at seeing Emily again would rub off.

I wished it would.

“Also, we got in contact with Katie,”

Rae went on as Evelyn set the duffle bag on my bed. “We assured her you were taking a long furlough. That we would pay whatever we needed to ensure that she would give you all the time you needed. She told us she was worried and that, whatever happened, you needed to take your time. She’s praying for you, Liv.”

Prayers. What good had they done me in that room?

When I didn’t respond, Evelyn stepped up to the bed and smiled. “We’re getting you dressed, okay? We’re breaking out of this joint. Time to finally get home.”

Home. My home wasn’t here. He was gone. Elsewhere. Breaking his word over and over and over again.

But, despite how badly I never wanted to leave this bed, I’d be glad for something a little more familiar.

So, with lethargic movements, I set Merlin down on the nightstand where his little container of napkins was, and slowly pulled the blankets back.

I kept my eyes up as I swung my legs over. I had to admit, I was never one to be so…body oriented. I loved how I looked, but I was never arrogant about it.

Now?

Now I hated myself. I hated how I looked. I hated everything about who I was. I was glad Everett wasn’t here. I was glad he couldn’t see me because what would he say? Once I had been so confident that I had changed in front of them. Unafraid of being stark-naked in front of he and Evelyn, but now?

Now all I wanted was to wrap myself up in a blanket and never let the world see me ever again.

“We’re going to get you into a real bath too,”

Evelyn said, stepping up to me as Rae and Emily turned towards the window. “Nice and hot, some nice salts. Rae is the goddess of feminine beauty. She’s already stocked your house with everything you need to feel good and fresh again, and Emily left some things around the house that helped her when she was going through it,”

she went on, easing the hospital gown off and grabbing a sweater. “I won’t spoil the surprise, but it’s cute. Not my style, still cute. Matches your last name.”

Lucy eased forward, sniffing at something on my left side, her tongue hot against my skin. A whine fell from her, but I couldn’t bring myself to look.

“My last name is Kingsmen.”

My mind paused. That had been important enough to say. Why? Because it was about my identity? Because it was about my name? Why was that more important than talking to them about things I used to love? Books and art and music.

Why the name and nothing else?

Evelyn froze, Rae and Emily turning at the sound of my raspy, unfamiliar voice.

My voice was low now. Husky, raspy, unused. I hated the sound of it. There was no emotion in it anymore, no life. No anything.

Evelyn’s dropped jaw worked as she glanced back at the others, my eyes still locked on the window. “Uh…”

She shook her head. “Your old last name,”

she corrected, pulling the sweater carefully over my head.

Pine and rain accosted me from all sides, filling my soul, my chest. Everett.

She hadn’t brought me my own clothes, she had brought me Everett’s. “Okay, I got her favorites,”

she had said. My favorites. Not my favorite style. My favorite person. My favorite scent.

I swallowed, but the burning of the tears never came. I didn’t think I had the ability to cry anymore, but I felt as if this was a moment I would have done it if I had the ability.

Rose. Emily had left roses around my house.

I hoped they were red.

Evelyn put a pair of Evertt’s black sweats on me, and finally some slides before stepping back and smiling. “Perfect. Okay, did you want to walk out of here or roll out? Either option is fine with me.”

I finally looked down to my feet. Normal, regular feet, unpainted nails. My toes were pale, but no longer purple.

I could walk out, I was at least strong enough for that.

I slid forward, my feet flattening on the ground. I gently eased more weight down onto my legs only to glance back at Lucy.

She met my eyes for half a second before jumping down beside me.

I grabbed onto her back and used her to ease myself to a stand. It wasn’t like I didn’t trust them. I exercised every single day in that room after they took me off the hook, but I was worried that spending so much time in bed would do some damage.

However, they took the weight just fine. I thrummed my toes a few times before releasing Lucy and turning to Merlin. I held out a hand, the sleeves covering most of them, and whistled his little tune, watching as he walked right into the little cave the sweater and my palm created.

I pulled him close to my chest and turned towards the three women and Lus, giving them a nod. “Let’s go.”

We slowly made our way out of the room, Lucy leaning into me, Evelyn leading, the other two behind us.

Jack looked up from the computers, his eyes immediately finding Rae’s before they found mine. He offered a soft nod before turning back to his wife. “I found the last time the camera caught him.”

Rae appeared at my side. “I’ll come to visit, okay? Good luck.”

I watched as she walked over to join Jack. God, they were so beautiful together. Gorgeous. As if they had been made for the other.

“They’re searching for the man who was going to take you,”

Evelyn explained as we continued for the warehouse doors. “We don’t have a name. Everett thinks Phil knew his name, but he won’t say. We’re not sure why.”

It was because of Azrael I was sure of it. I remembered telling him the name, and I knew Phil knew. Azrael must have already put that together; I just couldn’t guess why. Why keep that information from them? Why wouldn’t he want that man found?

“Nobody wants to extract it out of him because of you,”

she went on. “He protected you, so while that doesn’t make him apart of The Family, it does make him an ally.”

I wanted to ask about his son, about his wife. Were they happy? Did they move? Would I ever see them again?

But the words died on my tongue. Why wasn’t that important enough to say?

Maybe it didn’t have to do with importance. Maybe it was something deeper. Something so deep, I couldn’t find it within me. Something that was living in the darkest corner of my mind side by side with that black fog I never wanted to reveal again.

I prayed it would never come back, and if the only way to keep it down was to limit my words, then fine, so be it, so long as I never felt it again.

We walked outside, the breeze warm as it drifted across my skin.

An old black Chevelle was waiting for us on the curb. Evelyn opened my door for me, letting Emily and Lucy jump into the back before I slid into the passenger seat.

She shut my door, and I took the moment to look back towards the building. Just a nondescript warehouse in the middle of some old part of the city that was hardly visited. The perfect place for a makeshift, black-market hospital.

“Okay, let’s get you home. People have been asking about you,”

she told me as we finally pulled away from the curb. “Ms. Berry asked about a berry cobbler and there was a woman down the street, um…”

Her face twisted. “Luinda, she said her kids wanted to go get coffee sometime. I did a background check on all three of them. Good women. Kasey is in nursing school, Mags is a graphic designer, FYI in case you need a new cover designer, and Frankie, she’s getting into pet grooming, wanted Lucy to be her first client.”

I watched the city go by as we drove. I missed the suburbs. I missed all of those people. The best and worst night of my life happened on the Fourth. I wasn’t sure whether to be grateful for that night or horrified.

I had no idea how I was going to respond yet, how my body would react when we finally got to that street, all I knew was that I was grateful Evelyn looked into them before leaving me there again. “Why did he come back clean?”

I could feel her eyes on me as soon as I spoke. I could feel the excitement in the air, radiating off of her. She thought this was a shift in my healing, and maybe it was. I couldn’t really be sure. If there was anything I had learned listening to Emily and Rae, it was that healing wasn’t linear. It couldn’t be. Healing was everywhere, chaotic and destructive, and sometimes it fucking sucked. It wasn’t predictable or easy to follow. It just…it wasn’t linear, and I really, really wished it was.

“Because he was a Detective,”

she explained, her voice a mixture of chilling anger and guilt. “He did everything he said he did. Worked out of Falcon, went on patrol, all of those things. The connection was between he and Lillian, which we didn’t know because there was no physical record of it. They didn’t text or call or anything. They met about a month and a half before you moved, he was manipulated easily, already on the dirty side, but not enough to give us any red flags. When they saw that you were talking to Max about this specific house, they had him move in. We were thinking that they were planning on ambushing you when you went to get drinks with him, so when you didn’t, they improvised.”

Because I said no.

But it wasn’t just about that, they had always planned on getting me. It had nothing to do with Wade. Nothing to do with him in the slightest. I almost felt bad for him but then again…

I didn’t.

Not in the slightest.

And I was glad he died a painful, excruciating death.

Evelyn was quiet for quite some time before she spoke again, her voice low, soft. “Why aren’t you talking, baby girl? We miss hearing that voice of yours.”

I kept staring at the passing city. How could I explain to her that I wanted to talk but that my mind wouldn’t let me? How I had so much to say and nothing at all at the same time? How could I tell her that there were seconds when I was screaming in my head for my body to let me go, but other times when I chose to hold my tongue because pieces of my mind have convinced me that it’s the only way to remain safe.

Silence was safe. It was power. Uttering a word meant death. I didn’t know why. Not anymore. I understood in the room why I had to hold my tongue, but here? They didn’t want information, they just wanted me.

How could I explain to her that that very fact terrified me more than anything else in the world?

I held Merlin a little closer, petting his little head. Merlin was safe. He was good. I knew that. I knew it for a fact. All he needed was food and a warm bed and some good pets. He didn’t need anything else, just the warmth of my body, that was all.

But everyone else? They all needed something. They all expected something. Something I didn’t think I would ever be able to give them, and I wasn’t sure if they would ever be okay with that.

When we drove up to my street, I didn’t feel a thing and I wondered if that was wrong. Should I hate it? Should I not want to be here? Should I have a reaction? Is that what they expected of me?

Evelyn pulled up in front of my house and I could see flowers on the porch, a few teddies, some dog toys.

“We told them you were in a car accident,”

she explained, shutting off the car. “They’re all worried.”

I suppose that was the epitome of the suburbs when you moved to the right area. When the universe collided, as Emily would say, and brought together all the right people at all the right times just for this moment. This catalyst event.

I hoped I was still good enough to be a part of their little world.

Evelyn got out of the car, and I remained sitting there. Not because I wanted her to open my door, but because I wasn’t ready to get out.

But seconds later, she opened the door for me, and I climbed out anyway, taking in all of the stuff on that porch.

I made my way towards it slowly, Lucy lunging and barking, tearing at the seat until Evelyn pulled the seat forward enough for her to lunge for me, quickly joining my side.

I looked down at her, letting one hand fall to brush against her head as we continued slowly for the porch.

She sniffed everything, making sure she remained connected to my leg as she did. She didn’t pick up any of the toys, she only sniffed at them, not interested in playing with them at all.

We had both gone through a monumental shift these last few months. I wondered if she would ever want to play again.

I hoped so. I prayed that, one day, we could go back to the park and play fetch. That I could take her to Stella’s and she would be able to play with Baily without fear of me disappearing from her line of sight.

Evelyn appeared at my side and unlocked the door as Emily joined us. “You doing okay?”

she asked as my eyes scanned the street.

Those that were out were watching me with sorrowful expressions on their faces. A few of them even waved. I wished they wouldn’t look at me like that. If they knew what I had done, they never would have looked at me again.

They would have feared me.

They wouldn’t have accepted that I had done it out of self-preservation. That something had come over me when those men raped me, and while I couldn’t control it, I didn’t regret a moment of it.

Maybe they would hate mee and move away.

Maybe I would be alone for the rest of my life because of what I had done. My penance for fighting back.

“Pity isn’t poison,”

she told me softly. “They don’t feel sorry for you, they feel sorry for what happened to you. You have to keep that in mind, no matter how hard it is.”

Pity isn’t poison, but it sure tasted like it.

I am Olivia Kingsmen, I am a writer, I am unbreakable, I am Claimed.

But was I unbreakable? “That crack they found in your soul and widened.”

Azrael seemed to believe that the crack they widened had unleashed something. The same something that lived inside of him, and I didn’t see him as anything other than unbreakable. So that would mean that I had to be too. If our souls were so alike.

Everett hated Azrael.

I swallowed, the thought filling my mind as we walked into the house, Lucy running through it, sniffing, pushing open every door, checking everything. I stopped in the foyer and took it in. Everything looked so…normal. I hated it. I wanted everything to look as different as I felt. I wanted it to be different. I needed it to be different.

Everett hated Azrael.

I turned for my kitchen, light flooding into the rooms, and headed straight for my cupboards.

I pulled out a glass and a wine bottle and poured myself a full glass.

“Maybe you should have…”

But her words trailed off.

I took a few painful gulps, the taste flooding over my tongue, the warmth spreading through my body, my mind slowly quieting. I filled the glass up again, picked up the bottle, and headed for the living room.

I heard Evelyn release a breath of disappointment. “I’ll get dinner started,”

she told me.

Emily had opened up all the curtains, slowing when she saw me walk in with a bottle in my hand. “Maybe you should have some water first.”

Water wouldn’t drown out the truth.

I quickly took in the room before my eyes fell to a bouquet of roses sitting on the coffee table.

My head was buzzing, the world already spinning a little. They weren’t red like I had wanted; they weren’t even real. She had made a whole bouquet of paper roses just for me, and they were beautiful.