Chapter Twenty Love Potion No. 9
Come Sunday morning, the buzzer gives me the fright of my life yet again. It’s been two days and I’m still not used to it. Although that may be because I seem to have a set of friends and family who think they need to press it for as long and as hard as they can to get my attention. I run over to the intercom.
‘OK, OK, I’m coming, you can stop buzzing.’
Patty’s face stares into the camera, bearing a daft smile. At least she doesn’t have her eyeball pressed up against the camera like Mum did when she visited yesterday. She thought it might have iris recognition like on Mission Impossible.
‘But even if it did, I’d have to programme it to recognize you and you know I haven’t done that,’ I told her.
‘If it’s as clever as they look on the films,’ she replied, ‘then it’ll know I’m your mum. You’ve always had my eyes.’
Obviously I didn’t argue the case further.
Patty reaches the door, armed with flowers, chocolates and prosecco. Everything a girl could possibly want. If it doesn’t work out with Michael, I should seriously consider dating this woman — it would probably work now we’re not living together.
‘Is the coast clear?’ she asks as she peers into the living room. ‘Ooh, this is very nice, Ange. Very, very nice.’
I hold up two flutes and the bottle she’s brought.
‘Too early?’
‘Not if we call it an early brunch.’
‘Isn’t that just breakfast?’
‘Whatever.’
I pour a couple of glasses and hand one to her.
‘Cheers,’ says Patty, ‘to you and your fabulous new love shack.’
I shake my head but clink anyway. I know what she’s here to ask but I’m not going down that route until I have to. We sip our drinks quietly for a moment.
‘By the way, I didn’t get that shopping channel thing,’ she says, breaking the silence, her face betraying nothing at all.
‘Oh, I’m sorry. What happened?’
‘Same old. They went for a young skinny bird and an old chubby bloke. Apparently food doesn’t sell if the presenters are the other way around.’
‘After all that contouring too,’ I muse. ‘Do you think there’ll be any other opportunities? They seemed quite keen on you.’
‘Between the lines, they basically told me if I wanted to be on TV, I’d need to diet.’
‘And are you prepared to?’ I ask as she refills the glasses and opens my chocolates.
‘Nah. If diets were any good, they’d all say the same thing and there’d only be one of them, but they’re all completely different and confusing. For example, if you want bacon for breakfast then go on the Atkins diet because you can’t have it on the whole foods one. Then you need to switch to the F-Plan at lunchtime so you have a big jacket potato or sandwich, and if you fancy olives, pasta and wine for dinner, then it’s time for Mediterranean eating. The perfect plan would be a combination of all three.’
I have to say that makes sense to me. I particularly like the sound of the Mediterranean one. There doesn’t seem to be any cooking with that one, either. I know my friend is trying to stay poker-faced about this rejection but the dismay is coming through in her voice.
‘Sod ’em,’ I say. ‘They don’t know what they’re missing.’
We clink glasses again.
‘I do have some good news though. Yesterday I got an offer on the house.’
‘Blimey, that was quick — I was hardly out of the door ― had it even been advertised?’
‘No but the agent was all ready to list it and a cash buyer walked through the door. Apparently they were all ready to complete on somewhere else but it fell through, so they wanted somewhere with no chain and where the seller was definitely not going to change their mind. He brought them round at lunch time and early afternoon they made their offer.’
‘And you’re sure about selling?’ I ask. ‘You’re still happy about living with Jack?’
‘Yes, I am. I’m very sure. If it hadn’t been right I’d have known when I started clearing out all the old stuff. I couldn’t part with any of it before, but this time I could wave it goodbye as a happy memory.’
‘That’s good.’
‘So it’s all systems go. Jack won’t know what’s hit him, me full time.’
‘Poor soul. I’ll tell Michael to make up his spare room.’
‘And you can make up yours for me. Talking of which, can I have a nosey of the rest of the place?’
It’s unlike Patty to ask, so I lead her on my now well-rehearsed tour, which naturally ends in my bedroom. She seems to be studying every inch of it. She even lifts up a pillow.
‘What are you looking for?’
‘Evidence. That he’s staying here. You know, PJs under the pillow, a watch on the bedside table. Come on, spill the beans. How did it go? The perfect night? I’ve stayed out of your way for two days in case you were still in here all loved-up but it’s been killing me. So ’fess up and I want details.’
She plonks herself on the bed but I lead her back downstairs and straight onto the sofa. I top up our glasses and take a glug. I pause for a moment wondering whether I should make something up but if I can tell anyone, it’s Patty.
‘It didn’t happen. Coitus interruptus, you might say.’
‘What happened?’
‘Mum and Dad.’
I set the scene for Patty: my lovely shower, body lotion and sexy robe. How Michael came round on Friday evening bearing food but when we started the tour, it kind of got stuck in the bedroom. Things were getting going and then the buzzer went. After the initial shock, we tried to ignore it but it kept going, being pressed harder and harder. Then my phone rang and I could see it was Mum. I apologized to Michael but he just shrugged at the inevitable. We reassembled our clothing and I went to let my parents in.
‘They must have realized what they’d interrupted.’
‘Who knows, but the moment was over so we just heated up the takeaway and shared it out. Michael showed Mum around the grounds and after about two hours of her asking about every device in the place, they eventually left and insisted on giving Michael a lift home.’
‘He didn’t stay? Why didn’t you make him?’
I just shake my head and will Patty to read my mind so I don’t have to say it.
‘Oh no,’ she guesses. ‘It wasn’t happening was it? Earlier in the night, even before your mum interrupted?’
Again, I just shake my head and sigh.
‘Girl, you have to do something about this,’ cries Patty. ‘I know he’s a patient man — hell he courted you by leaving bloody gnomes on your doorstep — but even he must have a limit. Let me ask you this honestly and I promise I won’t judge, do you actually fancy him?’
‘Yes,’ I cry. ‘I do, I really do and believe me, I’d done everything to make the night perfect. I was willing my body to relax and enjoy the moment but it just wouldn’t. It’s like my pilot light’s gone out.’
‘Ange — I have never known you to give up on something that matters to you. Have you looked at that card I gave you?’
The card had turned out to be a discount voucher for a well-known adult shop.
‘I can’t go in there Patty, it’s just not me.’
‘You don’t have to go in, you can shop online. And whatever you’re thinking, it’s not just underwear and vibrators: they have supplements you can take. Honestly, Ange, you’re not the only woman going through this. It has to be worth a try ― even you could manage a super-charged vitamin pill.’
‘Have you taken them? I thought you and Jack were swinging from the rafters.’
‘We might be now but I needed help. It’s not easy for women our age. Come on, fire up that tablet.’
I hand it over and she types in the website address. She shows me a picture of some pink pills. Pink oval-shaped pills obviously designed to look like the female equivalent of Viagra.
‘See, it says they’re herbal.’ Patty tries to reassure me. I scroll down and read the ingredients.
‘Ground-up oysters and guarana, even you can’t object to that. Unless you’re thinking of dining on oysters anyway,’ she adds, knowing full well that the one thing I cannot bring myself to eat is slimy seafood. These tablets have a four-star review, meaning that other people have at least tried them.
‘Can we look at what they say?’ I ask.
We click on the reviews and see hundreds of women describing what I’m feeling.
‘You could have written that one,’ says Patty as we read the first review.
I am a fifty-four-year-old woman who had lost all interest in sex since hitting middle age. I had to do something, as I was worried that my new man would give up on me. I don’t normally do this kind of thing but they worked and I am truly grateful.
‘Then that one definitely has your name on it,’ I counter, pointing to another.
I’m fifty-seven years young and have always been irresistible to men. My mind is still willing but my body had started letting me down. Thanks to these supplements, I’m back to being irresistible and now have a twenty-three-year-old toy boy. They may work on less attractive people too.
We have a giggle, imagining what she looks like. There are lots of people saying the same thing.
‘Shall we buy some for you?’ asks Patty.
‘I don’t know, Patty, this just isn’t me.’
‘OK, so in the past few months,’ reasons Patty, ‘we’ve both found out that we’re not exactly the people we thought we were, haven’t we? I’m not a movie star and you’re not a femme fatale.’
I never ever thought that of myself and I’m not sure where this is going but I sense there’s a bargain about to be made.
‘So why don’t we make a pact. I will go on a diet to try and get my career on track and you will take these vitamins to see if they help your love life. No one need know.’
I blow out my cheeks. I can’t believe I’m about to do this but I nod and with a click it is done.
‘I’ve had them sent to my house, so I’ll pop them in when they arrive,’ says Patty. ‘Now is there anything left in that box of chocolates?’
‘What about the diet you’re starting?’
‘You’re still so gullible. If they don’t love me as I am that’s their problem. You can fill the glass up too while you’re at it.’
I fill both glasses to the brim and then drink mine far too quickly and start giggling. I can’t quite believe what I’ve done but I’m more than a little bit excited about it. Now I know what they mean by a placebo effect.
* * *
Two days later and Patty is back bearing a packet in a plain brown envelope. I take it from her and slip her a few notes — the deal is done. She leaves the scene with just a nod.
Back in the flat I open the packet and read the instructions twice over, even the ones in Japanese. I’ll invite Michael over in a couple of days and I’ll be ready this time.
I’ll take the batteries out of that damned intercom for a start.