Chapter 21
twenty-one
. . .
Mason
three years ago
chicago
I jump up at the sound of the lock clicking. “Finally, I almost had to eat this $15 bag of— Vi? What’s wrong? What happened?” She looks crushed. I move to bring her into my arms, but she gently pushes me away, putting distance between us. I already hate this feeling that’s building in my stomach.
Violet’s looking at me curiously, like she’s trying to see me through a new lens. She stands up straight and looks me dead in the eye. “Did you sleep with someone yesterday morning? Before you came to pick me up.”
Out of all the things that could’ve come out of her mouth, I never in a million years would’ve guessed it would’ve been that. “What?” I laugh a little because I am relieved. My laugh only hardens her face.
“I overheard some of the guys on the team talking downstairs. They kept making jokes about how I was another girl on your long list of hook-ups and had no idea what I was getting myself into. They mentioned a blonde sneaking out of your room yesterday. But you told me last night that you hadn’t been with anyone since we kissed.”
I can see the hope in her eyes, hope that this is all some big misunderstanding. Seeing her so upset and knowing that it was because of my actions (real or not) makes my heart feel like it‘s being slowly ripped out of my chest. I hate how she’s looking at me right now, like she’s waiting for me to tell her something that will give her permission to hate me. She’s on the edge, waiting for me to push her. What would I even say? How could I prove to her that there wasn’t anyone —oh fuck. Monroe. Monroe left yesterday morning.
“It’s not what it looks like.” I wince at how the words sound coming from my mouth. Like someone who knows they messed up and are trying to cover their tracks. “Let me explain?—”
“Honestly you don’t even need to. It’s unfair of me to expect more from you. It’s not like we were together at the time.” Violet wraps her arms around her torso like she’s physically trying to hold herself together and I want nothing more than to comfort her. But, honestly someone should be holding me at this point. Whether she realizes it or not, every time she mentions my inability to commit, it feels like a swift kick in the ribs. Is this what heartbreak feels like? Despite my own hurt I move to get closer to her, and she takes a step back, as if just being next to me causes her pain.
“Listen, I know my past doesn’t inspire a lot of confidence in my ability to commit to one person and settle down. It’s not something I can exactly deny.” I wasn’t helping my own case, but in this specific instance, I hadn’t done anything wrong. Violet was going to have to stop using my past against me. How many times would I have to try and get closer before she would fully let me in? I could clear the air at this moment, but my reputation wasn’t going away. I made my choices and now we would both have to live with them. Or at least I hoped she would. “But babe, the blonde that was sneaking out of my room was Monroe.”
Violet’s eyebrows knit together. “Monroe?”
“I invited her to come out this weekend as a surprise for you. I know how long it’s been since you’ve seen each other. She ended up having to leave early for a work emergency.” I shove my hands in my pockets unsure of what to do with them, since she won’t let me touch her. Won’t let me hold her and tell her things will be alright.
“Monroe. I see.” She lets out a breath as she takes a seat on the couch. She isn’t looking all that relieved. Was she hoping I had someone else in here?
“Why do you still seem skeptical about this?” About me. I would never intentionally hurt Violet, the very thought of it makes me feel sick. But in truth, I didn’t know the first thing about being in a relationship. Not to mention the fact that hockey kept me away from home most days. Is that what Violet deserved? A partner who couldn’t be there for her when she needed them most? How long would it be before I let her down or worse, broke her heart?
Through all my stupid and reckless moments, Violet had always been there for me, and here I was asking her to give me parts of herself when I had nothing to offer her. I know nothing about adult relationships and Violet wasn't going to be the girl I practiced on. Talking with Monroe had me in my feelings with no thoughts about how this would actually play out. And in this moment, I regret putting everything on the line. I couldn’t risk losing her completely. I wouldn’t risk it. I condemn myself to never knowing true happiness again as I say, “Maybe we should put a pause on the whole relationship thing.” The oxygen turns thick and it’s hard to breathe as my words settle over us .
She looks up at me from the couch. “What?”
“I would never intentionally hurt you, and there really wasn’t anyone else here yesterday, but I just don’t know if I’m ready for this. Ready to be in a committed relationship yet.” I don’t know if I’m worthy of you yet. Or if I ever will be.
“Are you serious?” For someone who, moments ago, wasn’t surprised I would sleep with two different girls in the same 24 hours, she sounds incredulous at my stupidity. “You hadn’t thought about that before you asked to fuck me?”
Another kick in the ribs. “I’m sorry. I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t. I can’t give you more.”
“I don’t even know what to say to that. I don’t know what to say to you right now.” Her eyes close and I lose track of how much time we spend in silence. When she finally looks up at me, her face is void of all emotion. No sadness, no anger, just indifference. That’s my least favorite look thus far. “Well Mase, I think it’s best I cut this trip short and head back home today.”
“You don’t have to leave. We can still explore the city and—” I abandon my attempt to salvage this trip as she brushes past me and starts throwing her belongings back inside her suitcase. She finishes packing in a matter of minutes and calls an Uber to the airport. I insist on helping her carry her bag to the lobby, which leaves us standing in the elevator together; the silence between us is so thick you could cut it with a knife. Violet bolts out of the elevator, with me jogging to keep up behind her. At this moment, scrambling to keep up with her, I wished she had a leash on me. I wished we were tethered, and she couldn’t go without me. I wasn’t strong enough to hold on, I was weak. As I watched her march through the hotel doors, I was overcome with a sense of intense dread. “Violet, wait.”
She turns around to face me, her eyes still emotionless. “What is it, Mason?”
Honest to god, I feel like crying. “Promise me we’re okay. Because I really can’t let you leave without knowing we’re okay. Or that we will be.” Maybe it’s an unfair ask, but Violet and I have had our fair share of fights, most of which were sibling-like squabbles, but this felt different. It felt permanent.
She stares at me for what feels like an eternity. Her car approaches as she gives me a tight-lipped smile and mutters, “We’ll be okay, Mason” before turning her back to me, entering the car, and leaving me wondering whether things would ever be the same again.