Chapter 42
forty-two
. . .
Violet
In my twenty-six years I’ve learned one thing — the universe is all about balance. The low points in life are not permanent, and neither are the highs. Recently my life has been filled with highs. My heart felt whole anytime I was with Mason, which was often. We’d reached a lull in the semester, so I could redirect my attention to finishing one of the many outstanding manuscripts I’d been putting off. Life as a grad student didn’t get much better than this, which is why I knew my laptop was going to burst into flames or my kidney was going to stop working any minute now. My good luck had to run out.
And it did. This afternoon in my inbox. I’m staring blankly at a rejection from the fellowship I had poured my whole heart into.
Not my first rejection, and not my last, but this one stung a bit more. Maybe because I had felt stretched thin this year and was hoping — really dying — for a break. Or maybe because everyone had so much confidence in me, and for once I felt confidence in myself.
Even worse was getting the email rejection as I was headed to my weekly meeting with Bethany. Though she always managed to find a way to cheer me up, I felt like I had let her down after all she had done for me. Bethany gives me a tense smile as soon as I enter her office and gestures for me to shut the door. The only time we have closed-door meetings is when I have to vent or cry about something.
“So, I take it you heard about the rejection?”
“I did. I’m so sorry, Violet.” Her sorrowful expression likely matched the one on my face.
“It’s fine.” My tone doesn’t quite meet my attempt at trying to lighten the mood. While being an academic often means experiencing rejection, everyone knew the main way to success in our field was to get funding. It was more than just receiving money. Getting a fellowship was an indication that your research ideas were innovative enough to warrant support. As a grad student it meant that you were on the path of success to being a professor one day. Which is why this felt bigger than one rejection. It felt like an indication that I wasn’t good enough. That I would never make it in this field.
She gives me a sympathetic look. “Having thick skin is good, but it’s okay to be upset about this.”
“Trust me I am. I usually don’t get my hopes up about these things, but this one felt different…”
“Your research proposal was exactly what they were looking for. I wonder what their concerns were. Have you had time to look at your reviewer comments?”
“Not yet. Once I saw I was rejected, I didn’t read the rest.”
“Should we go over it together? Or do you need some extra time to process?”
“Let’s just do it now. Rip the band-aid off.”
Bethany pulls up the email and angles her monitor so we can both see the screen. Most of the email was the typical fluff. ”We had several exceptional applications this year…”, ”Unfortunately we can’t offer you funding…”, “Find your reviews below from Drs. Howard, Kross, and Atkins.” Atkins. As in Dr. Darlene Atkins. The woman who had torn me apart every day my first year. The woman who made me doubt everything I did. I had hoped I could finally move on from my past, but it had come back to haunt me. “Well, I guess that explains why I was rejected.”
Bethany’s face is tense. “I don’t know what the fellowship committee was thinking. She should have never been allowed to review your application. She must not have disclosed her conflict of interest.”
“I guess it was something they never considered.” Or maybe they did. Maybe they were just too scared to stop her. It wouldn’t have been the first time that other faculty members chose to ignore Dr. Atkin’s abuse of power out of fear. She was practically untouchable at this stage of her career. Pissing off a world-renowned researcher who brought in millions of dollars for the school was a risky move. One that I had chosen to take a few years ago, and was still paying for today.
“Maybe I can reach out to the department chairs and ask them to review your application again?” Bethany offers.
“No. It’s fine. I don’t want you to get in trouble.”
“I’m your mentor Violet. It’s my responsibility to ensure you’re supported and treated fairly.”
“I really appreciate you wanting to stand up for me. Trust me I do. I just don’t have it in me to go up against Dr. Atkins again. I’m still trying to move on from what happened years ago…” My eyes start to sting, and I know I’m dangerously close to crying. Wouldn’t be the first time Bethany saw me cry, but I know if the water works start now, they won’t stop, and I still had two discussion sections to lead after this. “I don’t want to fight this.” I don’t know if I have another fight left in me .
“It’s your decision, Violet. But if you change your mind, I’ll support you.”
I give her a tight smile that she returns, along with a firm hug and words of affirmation that everything will be okay. I want nothing more than to believe her but the only thing I can think is how every time I get close to moving forward, I find myself drowning in the past.