10. Erin
Chapter 10
Erin
M y heart races out of my chest. The world around me begins to spin, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t catch my breath. My body trembles, unsure how to hold in these big emotions whirling inside of me.
I’ve had panic attacks before, but I usually have clues before they start. Sweating palms. Snappy moods. Even a buildup of anxiety. This one came over me suddenly. All I see is James. All I feel is James. I’m no longer in Mescos but back in Grym Hollow.
Tears blur my vision, and I think I’m screaming.
What if I’m not rid of James?
What if I’ll only know pain and lies?
What if…
What if…
Hands rub up and down my shoulder. Soft words I barely hear.
“You’re okay. I’m here. It’s okay.” The words repeat over and over again, but they aren’t calming me down. I think I cry harder even, though I try to stop. I’m just a fuck-up. If I were different, maybe James would have loved me. Maybe Allarick would get a strong queen.
Maybe…
Maybe…
My body is pulled forward. Gentle hands lead me. If it weren’t for those same hands holding me up, I would be little more than a puddle on the ground.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” I hiccup, chanting the words over and over again because Allarick needs to know that this isn’t the woman I want to be. This isn’t a woman who has the capabilities to lead an underwater kingdom. James told me repeatedly how worthless and stupid I was. I’m starting to fear that maybe he’s right.
“Shh, it’s okay,” he repeats. Allarick is still moving me, but I’m so disoriented, I can’t tell where he’s taking me. Not until I feel my feet submerged in warm water. It’s enough of a shock to give me a moment of clarity.
“What—”
“Trust me, Erin. Let me help you.” Allarick’s voice is in my ear; his breath tickles my neck. I shiver at his proximity but don’t pull away. I couldn’t even if I wanted to. Allarick is supporting all my weight.
An embarrassing whimper leaves my lips, and I nod. Or at least I think I do.
Then we are moving forward again.
Warm water submerges my body. Feet first. Then legs. Then thighs. All the way up to my torso. It should feel awkward to be completely clothed in the ocean, but it feels like an extra layer of protection. Soft but callused hands wrap around my shoulders, gently stroking my back. Each slow caress grounds me.
My eyes flutter, my accelerated heart slows, and my breathing evens out. My brain slowly releases me from my mental prison as I remind myself James has no power over me here. There’s no way that man will ever be able to hurt me. Not in Mescos.
I take a deep breath in before releasing it. Allarick still rubs my back, whispering that everything is okay. Something wraps around my arms and midsection. At first I think it’s seaweed and try to shake free of it, but it doesn’t budge. If anything, it wraps more firmly around my wrist. Not in a painful way but definitely secure.
My eyes snap open, and that’s when I notice Allarick has brought me to a secluded part of the ocean. We’re surrounded by jagged rocks and boulders twice the size of me. It feels like a small ocean next to the bigger ocean. The wind blowing between the rocks makes a sweet whistling sound.
My gaze dips down to the clear ocean water in attempts to pick off the seaweed. Except it isn’t seaweed. “Oh my god!” I shout, splashing in the water, which proves fruitless. Allarick is the one holding me up.
“Erin, it’s okay. It’s just me. I won’t harm you,” Allarick says, but I barely register his words. No, my mind is strictly focused on the fucking red tentacles wrapped around my body. They curl around my arms and torso, feeling like a gentle hug. There’s nothing threatening in the way they wrap around my body, but it’s still shocking all the same.
“Is that…you?” I squeak, not sure if I could handle a li teral octopus around me after a rather grueling panic attack.
“It’s me,” he assures, and sure enough, when I look down, I don’t see Allarick’s legs. From the waist up, he’s still very human. All man. But where his legs should be? Powerful-looking tentacles roughly six or seven feet long sway in the ocean. Three of them snake around my body in what I think is a gentle embrace.
The thought of any man’s hands on me after James is frightening and unwanted. But Allarick’s tentacles? They shouldn’t feel as good as they do, but in his grip, I feel…safe. Which is a new feeling for me.
“How are you feeling, Erin?” Allarick asks. He continues to rub my shoulders—with his hands, not tentacles—and I realize this is how touch should feel. Gentle. Compassionate.
“Tired. Foolish.”
“You aren’t foolish. It’s okay to have feelings. You can’t control when panic will overtake you.”
I still hate it. The crash after a panic attack is the worst. There’s nothing more I want to do than fall into my bed and sleep. Except, right now, reality is more interesting than dreams because I have a kraken helping me through this episode. Perhaps I should have more of a reaction, but that would take energy. I’m all out of that.
“Why?” I ask, my voice raspier with prolonged use. Seems like an odd place to take someone during a panic attack.
“The water calms me,” Allarick admits. “It’s peaceful. The soft waves, the smell, and the sound of the ocean creatures. It lets me relax and stop thinking. I hoped it would do the same for you.
“When I was younger, my mother would wrap me up in her embrace after a particularly difficult tantrum or meltdown,” Allarick continues. “I remember being held by her and feeling safe. It felt like I could just rest in her arms and let someone carry me through the rough patches.”
My chest tightens. I didn’t expect his answer to be this sweet. Is Allarick even real? Because men this sweet and sensitive don’t exist. But…Allarick isn’t a man, is he? Not really, at least. He’s the king kraken, which is far more than any man could dream of being.
I wish I was better with words to convey just how touching and moving his actions are. How he didn’t sneer at the sight of my panic attack or tell me to “calm down.” So, I say the only thing I can: “Thank you, Allarick.”
“Whatever you need, Erin.”
Whatever I need.
My mind grows foggy, and suddenly, I’m having a hard time keeping my eyes open. What I need is sleep. Allarick seems to sense that at the same time I do, because he starts wading back to the surface.
“Sleep, my queen. I’ll get you home.”
With no energy left in me after my panic attack, I close my eyes. For the first time, I fall asleep knowing I’m completely safe.