Chapter 15
Marcy
I’ve never woken up in a man’s arms before. Snuggled close in a cocoon with the smell of his cologne wrapping around me. In that fragile moment, vulnerability and trust merged. We were two souls, tangled in sheets, navigating the uncharted waters of intimacy. His heartbeat echoed in my ear, a steady rhythm that promised safety. Is it the closeness, the connection I’ve been starved for? Longing for. I’ve been on my own for so long now it’s hard to remember a time when I’ve had this much care thrust upon me.
My eyes flutter open from the sound of soft snores coming from Sam. A smile crosses my face as I admire this sleeping Adonis lying next to me. One arm rests over his face but his delicious lips are on display. My eyes move further down wanting to discover all of his tattoos. I didn’t get the chance to fully explore his body the way he did mine and now I have the perfect opportunity.
His Army insignia is marked on his bicep along with others skating down his arm that I’ll have to ask the meanings of. His other arm is resting on his chest with his hand covering his heart. That’s the one I wanted to see closer. I only got a glimpse yesterday and it had me intrigued.
Carefully I lift his hand placing it on his stomach. I hold my breath when he begins to stir, but he doesn’t wake. Once I look back down to his chest, I see the tattoo that interested me the most. My heart aches when I see my brother’s name written under what looks like his unit patch. ‘KIA’ stands out to me but only for a moment until I realize what it stands for, killed in action. A knot forms in my stomach seeing Matthew’s name and rank inked over Sam’s heart. Tears begin spilling down my face but I try to contain the sobs that threaten to spill from my lips. I don’t know what I expected but I didn’t think it would be this. Seeing “My brother” etched in below is what breaks the dam of emotions I was trying to conceal.
Sam is startled awake and he shoots up from the bed, looking around the room. His eyes land on mine and I see the muscles in his body relax.
“What is it, sunshine?” He crawls back into the bed pulling me into his arms.
“Y-your tattoo–” I hiccup reaching up to place my hand over his heart. He looks at me solemnly as the realization takes over in his mind.
Sam closes his eyes for a moment then says, “I got it when I was overseas. I wanted something that would stay with me always. Something that was ingrained in my skin like Matthew was.”
I get it. They were best friends, brothers, even if not by blood. They were close and I imagine that bond strengthened when they went overseas together. They depended on the other. I’m glad that Sam was with Matty in his last moments. It still doesn’t mask my shock of seeing his tattoo first thing in the morning. It reminds me that there is an ever present cloud hanging over my head since the day I heard the news of what happened. When I think I’ve finally stepped out from under it, the cloud sucks me back into the place where his death is hanging over my head. Being with Sam, there will always be something that will remind me of Matty. I don’t know if I’m strong enough for that.
Sam cups my cheek, wiping away the fallen tears with his thumb. He continues rubbing soothing circles as he speaks. “Talk to me, Marcy. What is going through that gorgeous head of yours?” I feel his warm breath skate across my skin before my eyes flutter open.
“I don’t know. I just didn”t expect to see that this morning. I feel like I get comfortable with the thought of us being together then signs of him pop up bringing the guilt back to the surface.” I run my hands through my tangled hair reminding me that my much needed conditioner is at home. Home. That’s where I need to be right now. I need to get away from all this. I need the space to figure everything out because when we are together, hazel eyes lure me right back to where he wants me. I’ve got to get out of here.
He opens his mouth to speak but I lay my finger across them. I need to get this out. “Sam, I need to go home. I need to figure some things out for myself.” His nostrils flare at my admission and I can see the determination in his eyes. That’s exactly what I need to get away from right now.
I shuffle off the bed leaving Sam motionless behind me.
“I’m not letting you run out on this. On us. This has been a long time coming, princess, and I’ll be damned if I let you go now.” His voice is still husky from sleep but commanding all the same.
I don’t dare turn back knowing what will happen if I do. Picking up my purse and shoes, I head toward his bedroom door pausing for a moment at the entryway. Am I doing the right thing? Will this screw everything up when I walk out of his door? I guess that’s something I will have to come to terms with if it does, because right now all I can think of is Matty. When I close my eyes, I see him standing there with his goofy smile on his face. I couldn’t bear it if that smile faded from my mind, replaced with the look of disapproval.
I hear Sam get to his feet and I nearly sprint to the front doors with tears streaming from my eyes. I feel like I’m suffocating. I can’t make these kinds of decisions. I don’t think I can pick between the two of them but that’s what feels like needs to be done.
“Marcy Wren Hillary, don’t you dare turn that handle. Come back so we can talk about this like adults,” Sam’s thunderous voice booms from the living room. It echoes through my heart like a beacon calling me back to him.
My tears continue to fall with my hand trembling on the handle. “I need time to think,” I murmur. As the door opens, I run through the small hallway straight to the elevator. When I turn to press the buttons, my eyes chance a glance up. Seeing a furious and dejected Sam standing there makes my heart break. As the doors close before me, I slide to the floor and weep at the mess my life has become.
I can feel my heart being ripped from my chest. One half going to Sam and the other to Matt, leaving me empty and hollow. How can I go on without a beating heart?
The elevator doors open to the main lobby of the building. Embarrassingly, I rise from the floor grabbing my things and dart to the nearest door. I half expected Sam to be there waiting for me, especially with the last look I saw on his face. But he isn”t here. I know I should feel relief but I feel even more lost in his absence.
I can’t do this. Too many emotions swirl through my mind until I feel like my world is spinning out of control. I need fresh air because the atmosphere surrounding me is stifling. I can’t breathe, almost like I’ve forgotten how to do it on my own. My lungs burn until I’m hit with the cool morning air. The tears on my cheeks turn to cold streams as I make my way toward the edge of the street. I look down at my bare feet wondering if they would make that last step if I told them to. Would they listen? Or would something stop them? The noise in my head is drowning out my sense of reasoning making me believe that stepping into the morning traffic may very well be the best option. Will it hurt or will I just wake up to Matty holding me in his arms? Oh Matty, I need you so desperately. I lift my foot from the freezing concrete as my hair whips in the wind from the passing cars. This is it. This is…
A horn blows before me, sending me flying back on my ass. It takes me a moment to realize where I am but it all comes flooding back as I hear another horn blow.
“Hey lady, you gettin’ in or what?” the cab driver bellows from the car parked in front of me. I give a short nod as I rise from the ground to collect my things. My backside stings as I slide into the seat.
“Where are we headin’?” He looks through the rearview mirror waiting for me to answer. Where am I going? He makes a disgruntled noise waiting for my response.
“Um, I…” I rattle off my address as the car pulls away from the curb. The glass from the window feels good on my fevered skin. The buildings go by in a blur, nothing standing out in this city of chaos. People turn into one neverending smear along the sidewalk as we pass. My eyes close from the emotional exhaustion of the morning, not able to take in any more. I feel weak, small, hopeless, lost.
The cab comes to an abrupt stop causing me to spring forward in my seat. My hands shoot out for anything to grab before I slam into the plastic partition, only missing it by an inch as my hand finds the emergency handle on the roof.
“Fuck, drive much?” I yell at the driver.
“We’re here, m’lady,” he replies as he rolls his eyes. I swipe my card and slam the door as hard as I can once I’m out on the street. What an asshole.
Now pissed off, I forcibly open my purse trying to retrieve my keys. I slip on my boots over Sam’s joggers and make my way up to my apartment. I get weird looks all the way but I have zero fucks left to give. They can stare all they want.
Once in my apartment, I kick off the boots as I head to my bedroom. The previous emotions that brought havoc to my mind have now quieted leaving severe exhaustion in their wake. I don’t shower or change, just fall straight into my bed, wrapping myself up in Matty’s old blanket. I’m asleep in seconds, my mind finally at rest.
◆◆◆
My eyes feel glued shut when I finally wake up. I wipe away the sleep, letting them flutter open. My ceiling comes into view as all the memories of the day come crashing back into my mind like a tidal wave, but I feel numb. Maybe once your heart breaks it takes away all feeling. You’re just a living shell of the person you once were. I pull the old, tattered blanket up to my nose but I can’t smell him anymore. I haven”t been able to for years but it doesn”t stop me from trying.
With a heavy sigh, I roll out of the bed. Sam’s clothes need to go because wearing them only makes decisions harder. When I turn on the light to the bathroom, my eyes squint from the sudden brightness. The white marble slowly comes back into view as my eyes adjust to the change. The mirror reflects a person who I don’t recognize. She looks lost. The once bright green of her eyes seem to have dulled into a jaded color.
With a resigning sigh, I toss the clothes into my bin and climb into the shower. I go through the motions as if on autopilot as I wash. Once I squeeze the excess water from my hair, I reach for two towels. My feet pad back into my bedroom where I pull on some leggings and an old sweatshirt from college. After I wrap my hair in a towel my stomach grumbles. I guess it has been a while since I ate but the thought of food makes me queasy.
I grab a granola bar from the pantry and a water bottle from the fridge. When I close the refrigerator, my eyes catch the calendar pinned to the door. My heart speeds up when I realize I didn’t go to Matt’s grave on our birthday like I have since he passed. I told myself that I would go Sunday since I was getting ready for the party on Saturday. Yet it’s Monday and I never visited him. My stomach twists as I rush through the apartment grabbing my dead phone, I’ll have to charge in the car, and my sneakers. Pulling them on, I pluck my keys from the table and race out of my apartment. I’m so glad I took today off as a forethought from my birthday this past weekend.
Once my phone powers up, I put on my mood music playlist. It’s something I made incorporating songs with lyrics that speak to me in an intimate way. Even though it’s a cool November day, I ride through the city with my sunroof down and my heater on. It’s something Matty and I always did when we were young. It doesn”t make any sense but with the air coming in it somehow is freeing.
The trip to the cemetery is rooted in my mind, making driving it feel like second nature. I park in my usual spot then grab the bag I got from the grocery store on the way. As I walk through the memorial park, my eyes focus on the dark clouds above. They seem to follow along the path to Matthew’s grave. I lay out the towel and sit beside him pulling my knees up to my chest.
“I’m sorry I’m late, Matty. I didn’t forget, I just–life threw me a curveball and I didn’t handle it well.” Wind blows, making the leaves rustle around me. I sit quietly for a moment stewing in indecision of what to say next. I pull out the candy from the bag I brought and hold it up.
“I brought our favorite candy. I figured eating it would be like old times when you would take me to the store and we would sneak it past mom and dad so we could have a movie marathon with good snacks.” I tear open the package and the fruity smell hits me like a brick. I haven’t had Sour Patch Kids since Matty passed away.
“You know, you didn’t always have to let me pick the movie. We could have watched one of your crazy action movies instead.” I pour some of the gummies in my hand and divide them by colors. I always ate the red and orange and he wanted the green and yellow. We would split the blue ones between us.
“Sam came to our birthday celebration on Friday. Miles and Sebastian put it on for us. I hadn’t seen him since your funeral. I didn’t even know he still lived in the city.” Emotion clogs my throat and I’m not sure where to begin with this conversation.
“So, Matty, I—um, well I ended up drinking way too much and Sam actually came to my rescue and took care of me.” I look around the bleak cemetery trying to find the right words. Guilt threatens to overwhelm me but I have to get this out before it eats me alive. I take a deep breath, letting the cold air into my lungs, causing them to burn.
“I’m just going to say it. I slept with him, Matty. I’m so sorry. I know he was your best friend and I shouldn’t have betrayed you. I got so caught up in my feelings for him that never seemed to have faded over time. Instead they were stronger than ever before.” Tears stream down my face as I take a bite of the sour candy. The flavor explodes in my mouth bringing me right back to all those years ago when I would cuddle up with Matt on his bed.
“Did you ever realize my feelings for him? I know you never mentioned it but could you tell? From the first time you brought him home, I was smitten. I can’t describe it. It was like all was right in the world when he was around. I didn’t mean to fall for him the older I became. It just…happened.” I wipe the tears from my face with the sleeve of my sweatshirt.
“I wish you were here. I need you now more than ever because I don’t know what to do. I can’t choose between you two. I wouldn’t survive it, especially now.” The wind picks up causing my hair to swirl around me sticking to the wet patches on my face. The sky darkens with the looming threat of rain.
“Since you’ve been gone, I feel guilty if something good happens in my life. Like I don’t deserve to be happy because you aren’t here for me to share it with. But I also know in my heart that you would want me to be happy. It’s so hard to know which one is right. Please tell me what to do. Please, Matty, please tell me.” I cry silently into my hands as drops of rain begin to fall. I don’t want to leave. I’m not ready. I haven’t figured out what to do yet.
“Do you remember that time that we danced in the rain after one of your football games?” Smiling, I stand up then scroll through my playlists until I come to the song I’m thinking of. I hit play and set the phone down on his headstone.
“Do you remember, Matty? Everyone was scrambling to leave but you picked me up and twirled me around singing “Everlong” by the Foo Fighters. We laughed so hard as we screamed the lyrics together getting questioning looks in the process but we didn’t care. We were in our own little world. Our bubble.” I dance around him. I can feel him with me. I’m laughing and shouting the words to the song getting some wrong but I don”t care. It”s just us. As I’m spinning, jumping and acting a fool the rain starts pouring down on me. I twirl with my arms out embracing the cold rain, my face looking up at the sky letting the water cleanse me of my transgressions.
My knees hit the ground as my hands grip my hair and I scream. I scream for having to be here without Matt. I scream for his short life. I scream and scream because I’m mad as hell that he was taken from me.
“Why did you have to leave me, Matt?” WHY? Why did you have to be such a fucking saint and go fight for our country? I’m selfish, Matty! I wanted you with me. I needed you with me. I hate you so much but I love you the most.” I scream as loud as I can until my voice begins to crack; I feel the strain on my throat. My fists punch the ground with all the strength I have left, over and over and over until I collapse to the ground in a heap of fucked up mess. That’s what I am. My chest is heaving and my eyes are overflowing with pain and loneliness, mixing with the rain and cascading down my face away from me. My emotions sink into Matt’s grave as I lay there sprawled out.
“I don’t really hate you, Matty. I never could…” I whisper.
“Can I date your best friend? Being with him sparks my soul back to life, Matty. It’s been dead since you’ve been gone. I know you were so protective of me but I think you would approve of him. You already know he’s a good man. Tell me, Matty. I’ll listen. I always listen…” I trail off as my phone sparks to life playing a new song. “Santeria” by Sublime blares around me. Matt was always singing this song. He even sang it one night at this karaoke party we were at. My eyes close as a fresh set of tears stream down my face. I know it may seem crazy but I know he just answered me.
“Thank you,” I breathe.
Smiling, I look at his name engraved above me.
“Thank you. I’m proud of you in case I never told you. You will always be my hero, my best friend.”
My hand runs back and forth over the cold, wet marble until I hear footsteps approaching. My emotions tore through me so ferociously that I don’t have the energy to look. I close my eyes as I curl into myself, exhaustion taking over.
Warm hands wrap about me but before I can scream, I hear him. “Shh, it’s me. It’s just me, princess.” Sam’s words calm my racing heart as he picks up my drenched body. He slings the wet towel over his shoulder and grabs my phone, silencing the loud music.
“How–” I mutter, my voice barely above a whisper.
He doesn”t answer me right away, he just walks us to the parking lot in silence.
“Put me down, Sam! If you aren’t going to talk then put me the fuck down. I don’t need a savior if that’s what you think you’re doing,” I shout as loud as my voice allows which isn’t much. I wiggle in his arms until he drops me to my feet. His gorgeous hazel eyes have turned stormy.
“I followed you. Okay? You ran out on me. I was fucking worried about you.” He slams the towel on the ground in front of us. He followed me? “I could see the darkness and desperation seeping into your eyes,” he pants, running his hand down his face as the rain continues to pour down on us. The only sound around is our labored breathing as the rainstorm pounds the ground. His eyes lock back on mine and a chill runs through my body not from the cold but from his intensity.
“Do you know how I saw that?” I shake my head.
“I saw it because it’s what I see when I look in the mirror. It’s what haunts me.” He takes a step toward me and cups my face.
“But I didn”t see it this morning.” He pulls me flush against his body.
“What are you–” His finger covers my lips then tilts my chin up forcing me to look at him.
“I didn’t see it this morning because of you.” I gasp as more tears flood down my cheeks but my focus remains on Sam’s unwavering gaze. His thumbs stroke the tears from my cheeks. Leaning down he rests his forehead against mine.
“I’m broken, sunshine, but your fire got in through the cracks of my soul. You showed me what it felt like to live again. Life threw us a curveball and we found ourselves shattered but you brought light into my life, even during our darkest moments. It ignited my spirit. When we’re broken, it’s easy to forget what it feels like to truly live. But then someone came along—you—and suddenly, the world became vivid again. Life isn’t just about existing; it’s about feeling, experiencing, and embracing every sunrise. That’s you, Marcy. You’re my sunrise, my sunshine.”
“Say something, Marcy.” His lips brush against mine so lightly it would be easy to miss. My brain is already exhausted from all of the events from today culminating with talking to Matt. My thoughts are sporadic and I can’t form the words I need to say. I don’t even know what the words are.
“I—“ He pulls back from me searching my gaze for answers that he won’t find. It’s all too much.
Sam drops his hands from my face as he steps away, turning around in the rain. His head falls back as the rain continues its assault upon us. My heart is drumming against my chest threatening to break free.