Chapter Twenty-Nine
We walk hand in hand down the sandy shore. The feeling of the warm sand under my feet is something I know I’ll never forget once I leave this magical place. The summer is nearing the end now. Time hasn’t made a lick of sense since I arrived, and I have no idea what I’ll do when the clock strikes and it’s time for me to go back home. I can’t imagine going back to my normal life now that I know what it feels like to live.
“What are you thinking about, Ry?” Julián stops walking and pulls me into his side, wrapping his arm around my waist.
He always knows when I’m lost in thought.
“Just thinking about when the summer is over. Am I supposed to go back to Dallas like none of this happened? That seems impossible.”
“Go back to Dallas? You really think I’m going to let you leave?” he says, hugging me tightly to his side.
I look up at his expression, landing somewhere between serious and not.
“Yeah, sure, I’ll send for my stuff and just tell my mom this is my new home.” I play along, but a part of me wonders if I could actually do it.
I could travel back and forth for doctor stuff if I had to, but there must be a medical system here, maybe not on the island, but somewhere in Europe there must be a tuberous sclerosis specialist, and I’m sure Julián would help me find the best of the best. I look at him, knowing he would do anything for me, knowing that I need to tell him more about my condition and stop sprinkling bits of information here and there. My life has become so complicated and so full of excitement and intimacy and love, but, most of all, confusing as hell.
“Would you ever move to the States?” I ask out of curiosity as we continue to walk.
The sun on my shoulders feels so good, I’ve never been so tan in my life. Never been so happy.
He shakes his head. “No. I would never.”
The happiness evaporates in an instant. His quick and certain response reels me for a second, even more so because I thought we were being hypothetical and daydreaming.
“Really? Never?”
He shakes his head again. “I could never live there.”
“What if your family’s business wasn’t a factor. Would you then?”
“Nope.”
This time it’s me who stops walking. “Why?”
He uses his free hand to rub his fingers over the slight stubble on his chin. “Why would I?”
My breath catches for a moment and I’m not even sure what it is I want to hear. “For me? Or to get an education, or a good job?”
He scoffs and drops my hand. “If I wanted to, I could get an education here and it would be free.”
“Yeah, but the schools in the States are—” I begin, not sure why I’m even defending a system I don’t agree with in the first place.
“Are what? And do not say better. Your generation of Americans are broke from their loan debt and they can’t get jobs with their degrees or buy homes, and sorry, but I’ve looked at the rankings of the education systems and the States is pretty low. So, no thanks, I don’t want crippling debt in a country that’s becoming unlivable and nearly impossible for immigrants to get into. The American dream is not real anymore.”
“My mom’s an example of the American dream,” I snap, defensive enough to use my mom as an example.
Anger flashes in his eyes but he doesn’t raise his voice. “Yeah, she’s a great example.”
“I agree with most of what you’re saying, but don’t you ever want to do more?”
“What do you mean more ?” he asks.
“I don’t know, live for yourself and go to school. You’re so smart, Julián. You could study anywhere and do anything. Find your own passion outside the pressure of a family business.”
“How is that more? My passion is this community and being a part of something that makes me proud, which isn’t hanging a useless bullshit degree on my wall and thinking that’s all life is. I have enough and I’m not a greedy person who always pushes for more, more, more when some people can’t even afford to feed their families.”
“You could get a great job, do more than just barely getting by on this boat. The company is collapsing. If SetCorp doesn’t buy the land now and develop on it, someone else will come along. The world is changing, Julián, this island included. Look how much it’s changed even since my mom left.”
His tone changes. “Wow.”
I try to match it. “?‘Wow,’ what?”
“Why are Americans always like this? They think everyone should just toss out their morals and beliefs over money. Your only ideas in this lecture you’re trying to give me involve money or school. Neither of those will bring me happiness. I don’t want to always chase more and never be satisfied. Look at your mother—you’re right about her being the perfect example of people who can’t stop when they have enough—and look how miserable her life is.”
“Your dad’s life is also miserable. And I was trying to help, Julián.”
“Well, you’re not. You sound like you think your life is so much better than mine. I don’t need a fancy house or chasing the next hustle. I want a quiet life here on this island with my pare, a family, continuing something my lineage has built. And I’m sorry to say this, Ry, but maybe you should take a moment, look in the mirror, and ask yourself who and what you’re living for. You don’t seem to have any passions outside of pleasing your mother and judging me.”
I try to let his words bounce off me, but it’s impossible. He’s spot-on and it strikes a nerve, a big one. The mention of him having a family, with a woman who obviously won’t be me, sends me over the edge. The rage, jealousy, and despair of imagining him smiling his crooked smile at a baby with a matching smile, while looking lovingly at a woman who he marries… selfishly, I can’t take it.
“So what’s the point of all this?” I ask him. “Why are we just wasting our time? You won’t move to be with me, and I can’t just stay here. So why are we wasting our time?” My temper flares. I don’t have time to waste and it’s fucking insane that he won’t even consider coming to the States with me.
“You’re the one who told me we were a summer fling from the beginning. You’ve reminded me of it every chance you get,” he defends.
“That was before. Before all this!” I wave my hands between us, to the invisible string tying us together. “Now it’s clear you’ve kept that mentality and are just wasting both of our time and not all of us have the privilege. So again, what’s the point of wasting any more time together?”
“If you feel that you’re wasting your time, then stop wasting it. You’re the one who started this pointless argument with me, and the more right I am, the more you lash out at me because Miss Perfect Ry can’t fathom for a moment that someone else could be right.”
“That’s not fair.” I meet his eyes again. “I was just hoping that you would be at least considering coming with me, even for a little bit. You didn’t even think about it, and I have actual reasons preventing me from staying here. Unlike you.” I know it’s wrong as I say it, but my god, I can’t control my temper.
“Unlike you”—he tosses my words back to me—“I don’t need to measure or analyze or tear apart every part of my life because I’m miserable. I’m happy, Ry, I’ve never been happier. Success and happiness in my life aren’t measured by money or power. I have food, my boat. I love someone, they love me, my pare is healthy. My community came together to fight corporate greed. We may have lost this time, but we still tried. That’s success to me. Maybe not to you but to me. And let’s not forget you were going to leave; you had a flight booked the night of the gala!”
“I was going to leave because you pushed me away and abandoned me, again! You probably only stayed around this long because you’d feel bad if I died! And stop talking about greed, it’s hypocritical when at the end of the day your dad will have more money than ever! It’s easy to say money doesn’t matter when you don’t have it!”
Julián’s mouth falls open and I wish I could shove the words back into my big, stupid mouth.
“Wow. You’re just like her. And the saying is, it’s easy to say money doesn’t matter when you have too much of it, which you obviously fucking do. I was wrong about you. So fucking wrong,” he says, stalking off, leaving me standing in the sand.
“Fuck you!” I scream after him, knowing damn well I took it too far, but there’s nothing to say right now to make it better and I need to think, to breathe, to calm down and not hurt him more than I already have.
Nearly every word that came out of my mouth was from a place of anger. I let my fear of being ripped away from him push me to say things to him that I didn’t mean and regret to my bones. I can’t make excuses for being such a bitch to him, and I don’t want to. He deserves more than my childish, emotional ranting and half-ass apologies. I wander around for a while, not knowing where to go, or what the hell to do. Another reminder of a dynamic with my mother I desperately wish I had. One where I could rush to her and get advice. Since that’s not possible, I make my way back to the hotel and hope Amara is working.
As I approach the entrance, I find her walking under the arched door, her bag and phone in hand.
“Ry!” She lights up when she sees me. Relief, guilt, anxiety fill me and I bite down on my lip, trying not to cry.
Her expression changes as she looks at me. “Are you okay? What’s wrong?” She pulls me into hug her before I can answer. She squeezes me, gently petting my hair.
“I was a raging bitch to Julián and said so many awful things and need to apologize but want to give him space… at least for a little bit. I don’t know what the hell to do or who to go to, so I came here hoping to find you, hoping you’d be here,” I tell her, letting myself melt in her arms.
“Well, you came to the right place.” She unwraps herself from me and takes my hand, leading me to sit on a set of stones near the circular driveway of the hotel. Out of sight from guests, with a beautiful view of the coast painted in the early morning light.
“How are you and Prisha?” I ask, and she smiles.
She’s wearing her work uniform with dirty, well-lived and -loved sneakers with little charms hanging from the laces. There’s a purple heart, and one of those little characters from her bookbag, from the band she loves so much.
“Good, really good. Too good, I think. She’s going to have to go back to Sweden soon when her summer break ends, and I didn’t think too much of it in the beginning, but it’s killing me now that we’re getting closer to that day.”
I reach for her hand. Why do things always have to end? Why is everything always so damn complicated and time-stamped and full of endless roadblocks?
“You guys could always have a long-distance relationship? Instead of just ending it?”
Amara shakes her head, a sour look on her face. “I’m not a long-distance kind of girl. I know myself well enough to know that won’t work. I’m too jealous, too impulsive. If it were a shorter period maybe, but she’s in medical school, which takes years and years. Ugh, why does she have to be so great? She was supposed to be a hookup for a few weeks, but now I… I think I love her, and I don’t know what to do about that.”
I can’t help but laugh, not because it’s funny but because I know how she feels and have absolutely zero credentials to give her advice when my own love life is a complete shit show.
“Ironically, we’re in the same situation. Different circumstances, but the whole summer fling, now in love, and have an impending expiration date thing is the same.”
“We should have just hung out together and partied all summer instead of going and falling in love with people we can’t have a future with,” she says, and I nod in agreement. “And no offense to either of us, but I don’t think we’re going to have any good advice for each other. We don’t know what we’re doing, clearly.”
“Clearly.”
“Enough about me, I don’t even want to think about it, so tell me about the mess with Julián.”
I give her the fast-ish version, and she grimaces a few times, both at my awful behavior toward him and his refusal to consider coming to the States with me. I feel bad not telling her about the whole medical situation, but everything is already complicated enough, and I don’t want to become my condition, not with her.
“I think you’re both brats, honestly. He’s stubborn and you have a wildfire temper.” Amara reaches up to touch my shoulder as a flashy black sports car without a top pulls into the circular drive in front of the hotel.
“Julián has always had a major issue with classism, so I can imagine this is hard for him, but at the same time, it’s not your fault your mom’s wealthy. It seems like the problems are outside both of your controls, you just have to decide whether the small chance of this working out or not is worth the battle.”
We both stare at the couple climbing out of the car. The man waltzes over and takes the woman’s hand, helping her out of the passenger side. She’s either his daughter, or…
“See, people who have more than others are everywhere. If you can’t beat them, I say do like that girl and join them.”
The woman smiles brightly at her walking ATM, and I fight my judgmental thoughts. Good for her, honestly, and at least he seems like a gentleman, helping her, tipping the valet, carrying her bag.
“What if I can’t beat them and have involuntarily been on the wrong side the whole time?” I wonder.
“Then you just make sure you know you’re doing the right thing for you, and Ry, you’re a good person with a good heart. You’re too hard on yourself. You aren’t the villain here.”
“Then who is?” I expect her to say my mother.
“No one. Just life being complicated. There’s not always a villain to fight.”
“Your advice is better than you think,” I tell her, nudging her knee gently.
“Did you figure out what the hell you’re going to do about Julián?”
I shake my head. “No, not even close.” We both crack up, our laughter covering our heartache.
As I sulk my way back to the boat, I stop at two bakeries to bring all his favorite breads as an olive branch. I’ll miss the smell of fresh-baked bread when I get back home. Driving to the local HEB and grabbing a bag of bread is not the same experience. I sigh, swinging my oil-spotted bags of pastries gently as I think about how much I’ve grown to love this place. The people, the breathtaking views, the way the sidewalks and streets feel as if they have their own heartbeat. Everything is so alive here compared to the boxy modern architecture taking over my town.
I walk a little slower than usual, taking my time to face Julián again. Not knowing what I’ll be met with, I hesitate as I open the door. A slight panic bubbles up. What if he left? I’m immediately relieved to see him sitting on the bed, his hands clasped together on his knees, head bent.
“Julián…” I close the door behind me. The sun is blasting through the small windows of the boat. The dust flakes dancing in the light distract me for a moment before I speak.
“I’m sorry, Julián. For everything I said. For everything that happened. I can’t believe I said any of that to you.” I approach him slowly, unsure which one of us is the predator in this moment.
He looks up at me, his eyes bloodshot and cheeks flushed. I hold out the bags of bread between us and his lips pull into a fraction of a smile as he takes them from me and sits them on the table next to the bed.
“I’m sorry, too, Ry. I panicked at the thought of you leaving and knowing I can’t go, and I don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you, so I lashed out.”
“So did I. It’s so selfish of me to just expect you to drop your life and come with me. I think reality set in and I also panicked. I don’t want to be away from you, but lashing out isn’t going to get us anywhere. I just couldn’t control my temper and I’m sorry.”
He doesn’t say anything, but he keeps his eyes on mine and lifts his hands to my thighs, gently touching the sides of them. I push my fingers into his hair and his head drops, resting against my stomach.
I softly run my fingers over his scalp. “I’m sorry for screaming at you and saying ‘Fuck you.’?” I try to remove the humor from my voice but fail.
It’s not that the situation is funny, but my reaction was so stupid, so childish that it almost is. “I really can be such a spoiled brat. It was wrong of me to push you like that and to disrespect your hard work and the things you care about just because I want you to choose me when I know that’s not fair or logical.”
“Can I ask you one thing before we move on? Do you really feel like this has been a waste of time, Ry?” He doesn’t look up at me, just squeezes the back of my thighs with his open palms, pulling me closer. His head pushes into my stomach as if he’s holding on to me for life.
“No. God, no. Every second here with you… fighting, laughing, learning, all of it has been unforgettable and I would never regret a moment of it. Never,” I repeat, making sure it’s clear.
His voice is nearly a whisper when he says, “It feels like I’ve caused you more pain than happiness and I hate myself for that.”
“Not only is that not true, it’s ridiculous. If anyone should be saying that, it’s me. Everything in your life was fine before we came here.”
He shakes his head in my hands. “It wasn’t fine. I wasn’t living. Just going through the motions, doing what I need to until the sun sets and doing the same when it rises. Again, and again.”
I gently pull at his hair to lift his face so I can see his eyes. He’s closed them, and I push my hips forward. When he still doesn’t open them, I take my fingers and touch his eyelid, tapping the thin blue-lined skin. “I’ll pry them open if I have to.” I keep my voice light. “Look at me, Julián.” Gently, I tap his eyelid again.
He opens his eyes and the pain in them is deep. I hate that I caused most of it, and I hate that we seem to be at the mercy of “whatever happens, happens” and it’s unbearable.
“I love you. I love you. I love you,” I tell him, never moving my eyes from his. Leaning down, I kiss his forehead. “I love you.”
The storm in his dark eyes begins to lessen to a breeze as I keep repeating the words.
“Flaws and all?” he finally asks in a soft voice.
I nod. “Flaws and all. I love you. I’ll love you forever.”
“I love you, Oriah.”
“Flaws and all?” I ask, a smile on my lips.
“Flaws and all.” He stands up, wrapping his arms around me, and lifts me up. I wrap my thighs around his body, feeling so at home I could die now and know that I truly lived.