Chapter Thirty-Seven
RY
There’s a hammer racking against the side of my brain. It’s constant, along with a voice in the distance… it’s familiar, my mother. Through the heavy throbbing, I listen to her.
“I tried everything to be a good mother to you, but I ended up being the worst person for you,” my mom says through her tears. The medicine in my IV bag fills my veins so much that I can taste it, but I can barely keep my eyes open. My mom’s voice is soft but desperate as she begins to speak into the empty room. I wish I could open my eyes, my mouth, move my hand to tell her I’m okay.
“Please save my daughter. If there’s anyone up there,” she begs. I’ve never heard my mom pray or even mention god or saints in my life, but many people search for meaning or help from the sky during grief.
“Please—” she continues. “If I ever get to be your mother again in another life, I will do better. I will cherish you with every part of me. I will hug you and kiss you. I will only encourage you to live. I will be a better mom, a better person. I promise, Oriah. I swear I will let you dance, god, you can dance all day long and I will never stop you. I will only turn the music up and even dance with you. You deserved a better mother, a better life than this. I will tell you I love you every day and show up to your recitals. I will walk you down the aisle on your wedding day and always allow you to make your own choices. I won’t suffocate or abandon you. I will do anything for you. Anything you ask of me, Oriah. I’m so sorry I was such a horrible mom. I’m sorry I didn’t hug you or tell you how brilliant and vibrant you are. I tried to protect you, to make sure you didn’t suffer the way my own mother did, but I erased your sense of self in the process.” Her voice is barely recognizable as I try to stay alert, letting her words and wishes soak into me.
I would have given anything to live a life with a mother like the one she’s promising: hugs and kisses, hair braids while we talk about boys and school and life, a home full of laughter instead of silence. Words of encouragement and not judgment. She’s squeezing my hand, and I can hear the machine next to my bed beeping as she continues. The pad of her thumb is running over my palm in one of the most affectionate ways she’s ever touched me.
“I will do anything, please don’t take her away from me, not yet. I wasted my life and hers, please take mine, please. I was such an awful mother, please give me another chance, in another life, and I will do better. I will do better; I will do better. I hope you can forgive me if… when… you wake up… forgive the teenage girl who fled this place after watching her mother die at seventeen, who always wanted to be a mom, your mom, and was awful at it. The first thing I failed was you, the most important part of my entire life. I didn’t know… I couldn’t have known, but my guilt has been eating me alive since your diagnosis.” I feel the gentle pressure of her head falling onto my arm, and my hospital bed rocks as her body collapses, breaking down, still repeating her plea.
I try to lift my hand to pet her hair or squeeze her hand to tell her it’s okay, that I know she tried her best and that I don’t resent her. But I don’t have the strength. The medicine is stronger than me. The only thing I can feel is the warmth of the tears rolling down my cheeks and the bed shaking from my mother’s heartbreak.
When I wake up, my mom is asleep on the chair close to my bed. My vision is so blurry, like my eyes have been painted with some sort of gray coating. I try to move my hands, but they’re as heavy as cement.
Julián! Oh god, where is he? Does he know where I am? I frantically try to will my eyes to work better, for my mouth to open to yell his name. I need him. I need to see him like I need air. I try so damn hard to open my mouth, but I can’t. A movement in the corner of the room catches my eye. It’s Julián. He’s pushing himself up from the couch in the corner and walking toward me. God, I wish I could speak. I know they’re both probably frantic, heartbroken, unsure if I will remember them or not. If I’ll still be me, or not.
“Jesus, Ry. Oh my…” He begins to sob, falling to his knees.
This wakes my mother up. She blinks and stands from the chair. Her eyes are swollen nearly shut. The stack of photographs of her as a teenager falls from her lap. He must have given them to her, along with the ones of me. Julián bends down to pick them up for her on his way to the other side of the bed to be close to me, but out of her way. She doesn’t thank him, but her eyes are softer than they’ve ever been when directed at him.
“Oriah.” Her voice is a whimper, barely there and in desperate need of water. Julián, my intuition-filled Julián, is always able to read my mind, and hands her a small bottle from my bedside as she moves closer to my hospital bed, leaning over me.
I try to tell them that I remember everything, that I’m so glad they didn’t listen to me when it came to getting surgery, that I’m sorry for causing them worry and pain. But I can’t… I can feel myself drifting away again, and no matter how hard I hold on… I can’t.
JULIáN
Ry’s mom and my pare convince me to leave the room for a few minutes. I do so only to give her mom time with her without me, but I find myself pacing back and forth in the hallway, brushing off concerned nurses every time they dare to approach me. I’m aware that my expression is not a welcoming one and they’re trying to help, but this is the most devastated, helpless, miserable… Even my crossword books don’t have enough words to describe this dread clouding my mind. I find an empty spot on the floor, near Ry’s room, in case anything happens, but far enough to give Isolde a little space. Pulling out my hand phone, I realize it’s turned off. Makes sense, given that I haven’t looked at it, let alone charged it since I got to the hospital. If I didn’t have so many pictures and videos of Ry, I wouldn’t care if my phone stayed dead, broken, lost at sea, but right now, outside of her lying there, in and out of consciousness, all I have is the content on my shitty phone. Flagging down a nurse, I ask for a charger, showing her the input cable so she’s aware not to bring me some fancy Apple charger. She nods, glad to help, and as a caregiver for a living, I’m sure her empathetic nature can sense my extreme distress. Leaning my back against the cool plaster wall, I plug the device in and wait for it to power on.
Quickly tapping and swiping, I open my photos, to relive the moments we’ve had together. Her scrunched-up nose when she tried to play it cool and have raw sashimi for the first time, her eyes growing wide in delight as she actually enjoyed it. Her head floating above the water as she waved for me to join her in the sea. The candid moments are my favorite, the sparkle in her that is glimmering even through my cracked screen, the bewitching way she smiles and rolls her eyes at the same time. The natural curve of her neck when she laughs so hard that she can’t hold it up straight.
I scroll and tap, scroll and tap, and something unusual catches my eye. The thumbnail doesn’t match anything I’ve taken. I click it, and Ry’s face appears on the screen. Confusion, excitement, and a dash of fear have my hands shaking, barely able to hold my phone as I press play on the video.
The sound of the waves rolls softly in the background and the flash of the phone camera is bright on her face in the darkness. “You’re asleep, obviously, and here’s proof that you do snore, even though you always deny it.” Her eyes draw into thin lines, and she smiles, so wide, so full of life that I don’t know if I can handle continuing to watch, but I do.
“I’ve been trying to sneak away from you long enough to make this video every night for a week, but you always wake up, so this is my only shot. I’m going to speak as quickly as possible before you wake up and ruin it,” she teases.
“You’ve made me promises, so many that I can’t even remember half of them, but I need to ask something else of you. I need this more than anything, Julián. Please, please, do this for me. Try to live a happy life, as happy as you can. Smile sometimes, take it easy on the American tourists, and please think back on our time with a full heart, not an empty one. Try your hardest not to resent meeting me, to be grateful instead of spiteful for the time we had together. It’s selfish of me, but even if I’m not here, I can’t stand the idea of you being unhappy. No matter where I am, just know that you’re the reason I know how it feels to be loved and to love. A gift I never thought I’d receive in my short life. I was so terrified of feeling anything, good or bad, that I shut everything off so long ago, so thank you for making me feel everything. Anger, annoyance, joy, bliss…” Her eyes begin to fill with tears, and she blinks away from the camera, trying to stop herself from crying.
“Thank you for making me want to live again. I really tried, and I’ll really, really try. Please help me try, no matter how hard I fight you, make me try even when I don’t have the strength or the voice. But even when… if… I’m gone, I know I’ll hear your laughter from wherever I am. I’ll count the freckles on the bridge of your nose, I’ll smell the salt water soaked into your skin, and I’ll never forget the way it felt to be held by you. You understood me, you saw me for the first time. I’m so grateful to have known you, and as angry as I am that our time will be cut short, I feel so thankful to have had even a moment with you. Please keep your promise to me, keep watching the sunrise, and I hope you think of me often but live a happy, fulfilled life like you deserve to. You deserve happiness, Julián, never forget that.” Her sobs match mine. Nurses and strangers pass above me, but I can’t look away from Ry’s video.
“I love you, I’m sorry I’m such a mess, I love you so deeply, and I’m so sorry for the pain I will cause you. Please don’t allow my absence to pull you into the darkness. Please. When you feel it coming, try to imagine me, even if you forget my face someday, even if you can no longer remember my voice, try to imagine me taking your hand and leading you to the light. That’s what you’ve been for me since the moment we met. It’s my turn to return the favor. Oh, and don’t forget to take your meds—I’ll haunt you forever if you don’t.” Her dark humor makes me choke on my own sobs.
“You’re waking up, I think, I love you I love you, God, I love you, flaws and all, Julián.” The video ends with her panning over the black night, and I can barely breathe as I sink deeper into the wall.
RY
I’m in a dark room when I come to again. Julián’s voice is there, somewhere, but I can’t see him.
“I had a dream last night, Oriah. One where you were alone, floating on the water, talking to yourself about the sea and forgiveness.” He sighs. “I could hear you so clearly, but I couldn’t find you. I circled and circled in the boat and pulled you out of the water the moment your eyes began to close.”
It’s quiet for a minute before he begins to speak again. “When I fell back asleep, I had another dream, in English. It was my first dream in English. This time of a little girl with two different-colored eyes and jet-black hair who called me pare and gave me attitude just like her mare. Two little boys who couldn’t stop yapping and screeching. You laughed as I tried to calm them—God, I miss your laugh—as our children raced around our crowded kitchen, their bellies and hearts full. You were no longer sinking, Ry, you were soaring.
“It’s okay, baby,” he says, touching my fingers one by one, lifting one to kiss, then the next, finally pressing his warm lips against my palm. “I know you’re tired, you don’t have to fight much longer. I’m selfish for begging you to keep fighting this whole time. Just please, please know that I love you. That everything will be okay because your heart is still beating. Please just fight a little more, my love. I can’t live in a world without you. I would give my life for you right now if I could. I would have done it yesterday, tomorrow—hell, anytime since I met you. You’re such a gift to this world, Oriah, to me. You came into my life exactly when I needed you, though I didn’t realize it, and I will always, always thank you for that. No matter what happens, when you wake up, I’ll be here. I don’t care if you remember me or not, I will never leave your side. I’ll move to your capitalist country and won’t complain… much. I’ll teach you to cook. I’ll even get a driver’s license since you can’t.
“I will do anything to make you happy, to keep you safe, anything it takes. I’ll dance with you and eat that petrol station food you keep raving about. I somehow managed to make you fall in love with me once. I can do it again. And again. As long as your heart is beating, mine will.” His sob breaks my heavy heart, and I desperately try to find the light in the room, but I can’t.