Chapter 12
CHAPTER TWELVE
HIM — BEFORE
She’s as beautiful now as she’s ever been, sitting on the floor of my apartment, eating chicken chow mein as she studies for her finals. I interrupt her studies with a question that’s been looming in my mind for the last eight months.
“Hey, do you ever think about getting married?” I feel the heat in my cheeks as I try to gauge her reaction.
Slowly, she turns her face toward me, jaw slack. She blinks. “What did you say?”
“I just wondered…” I’m really trying to sound much more casual than I feel as I clear my throat and run a finger along the edge of the coffee table. “Would you want to marry me?”
She coughs—practically chokes on her food—a hand to her chest. She is looking at me as if I’ve lost my mind, and I really don’t like it. “Are you?—”
I put a hand up, cutting her off. “I’m not proposing. I’m just wondering if I did, what would you say?” There shouldn’t be a question, really. The answer should be obvious.
“Um, I think you have to ask. That’s the whole point.” Her voice is softer now, though. Sort of sad.
“I know. You don’t have to say yes or no, I’m just asking if it’s something you’ve thought about. We’ve been seeing each other for nearly a year, and we’re heading into summer. I just wanted to see where your head is about things.”
“I…” she scoffs. “I mean, I guess I hadn’t really thought too much about it.” My face falls, and she immediately adds, “I mean, I really like you and we’re having fun, but I’m still young. I don’t think I want to get married anytime soon.” The laugh that escapes her throat is strangled as she studies me, her face wrinkled with obvious confusion and worry.
“Well, why not? What’s your plan, exactly? When will you want to get married?”
“I’m not sure, really. I guess when I’m ready.”
“When will that be?”
“I don’t know,” she says, brushing hair from her face. “I guess I’ll just…know.”
“But then how will I know?”
“I think the relationship will just naturally progress.” She rolls her eyes with a laugh. “Besides, I want to get to know you more. To know us more. This all feels really sudden. I know it’s been eight months since our first date, but that doesn’t feel long enough.”
What she means is, she doesn’t like me enough. She’s keeping me around until someone better comes along. “Right.”
She takes my cheek, kissing my lips. “I love you, though. You know I do. I just…I’m not ready yet. Let’s wait until I graduate.”
My smile is small and forced, but if she reads that, she doesn’t say anything. “Okay.”
“For now…” She hands me an egg roll and lifts one of her own, tapping them together. “For now, it’s just us. Just this moment. I want to enjoy it.”
I kiss her lips, but I’m no longer feeling it. The wind has been forcibly ripped from my sails. I have no idea what she could be waiting for. We both know we want each other. We love each other. What else is there to know?
Here’s what I know: I’m not taking this rejection as her final answer.