Chapter 20
Saturday 28 October
Kay walked slowly through Grove Park towards the playing fields. She was early for her meeting with Dan, but wanted to catch a glimpse of him doing his football coaching – all part of her desire to learn about every aspect of this man. So far she’d only seen what he was like alone with her. She lived for those times, of course, but the picture was incomplete. Now she was eager to see him in company, to gaze upon him from a distance and observe how he behaved with other people. She’d watch him and feel a glow of pride that this admired, respected figure was hers – that he’d chosen her out of all the women in the world.
Was she putting him on a pedestal? Of course she was, and so what? He deserved it. She’d met precious few pedestal-worthy people in her life. Maybe Miss Brownlie, her English teacher in Year Six, deserved a small plinth; ditto Mr Merriwether, the sweet old guy who’d taught her photography. There may have been others –a handful, no more, in all her twenty-four years. As for boyfriends, they’d been, all three of them, useless, immature losers and jerks. So when someone like Dan came along, who could blame her for getting carried away? It wasn’t as if she hadn’t worked damn hard to snag him, and maybe told one or two porkies in the process, but then perfect honesty never got you anywhere in life, except maybe eternity in a library.
Was she worthy of Dan though? And what did it actually mean to be worthy of someone? The only important question was whether he loved her. If he loved her, then of course she was worthy of him. The one implied the other. But who exactly did he love? He loved Elaine. And who was Elaine? This was the question she kept coming back to – the hardest question of all. Was Kay Elaine? Not yet. Could Kay be Elaine? Maybe. Elaine was an idea, not a hard-and-fast person. She might be an actor, but she didn’t have to be. She could be a photographer or a barmaid or someone simply drifting through life in search of herself. The one thing she couldn’t be was a librarian. If Elaine settled for being a librarian, she’d no longer be Elaine.
And what if Kay could never be Elaine? Could Dan still love her? Was there enough of Elaine in her to satisfy him? Or was Elaine simply a myth woven of lies who would disappear as soon as those lies unravelled? And sooner or later they would unravel, Kay was certain of that, though she’d hoped by then it wouldn’t matter, because their love would be so strong he’d forgive her. But it seemed she wasn’t going to be granted that much time. Dan wanted her to meet Jeremy tonight, and if Jeremy recognised her as the Elaine he met at the library, then everything would quickly fall apart. She’d do what she could with her appearance to try and make sure that didn’t happen, but she couldn’t go too far – prosthetic noses and curly blonde wigs weren’t an option because then Dan wouldn’t recognise her either. She’d just have to dial up the glamour – the biggest point of difference between Dan’s and Jeremy’s versions of Elaine – and cross her fingers that it was enough.
She spotted Dan from some distance away – a big presence in his red tracksuit amid a flock of muddy little boys running around on a muddy pitch. There were a couple of other coaches there, too, and a smattering of parents dotted around the touchline, but Dan stood out. He was the authority figure that everyone looked to. When he blew his whistle, everyone stopped and turned to him. He’d point and gesticulate and bellow instructions, though she was too far away to hear what he was saying.
By the time she reached the touchline, more parents had gathered as it was approaching midday and the coaching session was nearly over. She felt isolated from them and happily so. A lone figure of mystery in her stylish green belted coat and white beanie hat, she was someone for others to speculate about. Too young to be the mum of a ten-year-old, so who was she? An older sister? A nanny? She felt the eyes of a few of the dads appraising her, and ignored them, keeping her expression cheerful yet enigmatic, her gaze on the pitch, and mainly on Dan.
When he blew the final whistle, everyone applauded and the muddy boys began trotting over to their waiting parents. Dan spotted Kay and waved to her and she waved back, but before he could get to her, he was buttonholed by a mum – a glamorous forty-something swathed in a luxury cashmere or camel-hair coat who seemed to have an awful lot to say for herself. Kay waited patiently, maintaining her perky smile and wondering what on earth could induce such an intense and lengthy monologue. Was she opining on the causes of the Franco-Prussian War, or giving him her take on the Shakespeare authorship controversy? Her son was clearly bored and tugging on her hand. Kay found herself wishing the kid had the strength to pull her right over. She’d love to see that camel-hair backside smeared in mud. Eventually, Dan was able to get a word in edgeways, and in about ten seconds seemed to say enough to reassure her. She smiled, gave him a prolonged, verging on inappropriate, squeeze on the arm and then she and her son went on their way.
Dan jogged over to Kay and they hugged. He smelled of mud and fresh sweat, and beneath that a woody, leathery scent that reminded her of the interior of vintage cars.
“Sorry about that,” he said as he held her.
“What did she want?” Kay murmured into his chest.
“Long bloody story, do you really want to hear it?”
“No, I just want to stay like this.” She squeezed him harder.
“Yeah, this feels good, but I must stink. I should have a shower, then we can go out somewhere.”
“You smell glorious.”
“You like sweaty men, do you?” he laughed.
“I do. It gets me quite hot actually.”
“Oh hell! Should I be worried?”
“Unfortunately we’re in a public park. Otherwise I’d… well, I’ll leave it to your imagination.”
She drew back to look at him. He blinked a couple of times and gave her a schoolboy smirk, but said nothing.
“What are you imagining?” she asked.
“Nothing fit for your ears,” he said, taking her by the hand. They walked slowly back across the field, and Dan explained about the woman. “She was disappointed because I’d dropped her son from the team for tomorrow’s game. She gave me this whole sob story about the hard time he’s been having lately what with her divorcing his dad and how it’s affecting his schoolwork. She said he lives for his football and couldn’t I give him another chance? So I promised he’d play in next week’s match, which he was going to anyway – it's all about squad rotation, I told her, and she seemed satisfied with that.”
Kay nodded. “It sounds to me like she was subtly letting you know that she was available, with that mention of her divorce.”
“You have a suspicious mind, you know that?”
“Just keeping an eye out for those sharks you’re always warning me about!”
He stopped, and pulled her roughly towards him, making her gasp. He gazed at her partly in confusion, partly in wonder, as if she was some inexplicable object he’d just that moment discovered.
“Are you real?” he asked.
The question troubled her, but she answered boldly: “Nope, I’m a complete fake. My name is Sondra and I’m an undercover cop investigating dodgy driving instructors.”
That broke whatever strange spell he was under. He snorted with laughter. “I thought so!”
“Why wouldn’t I be real, Dan?”
“I don’t know.” He looked abashed, as if regretting he’d asked the question.
“What’s going on?” she asked.
“I feel very lucky to have met you,” he said. “At the same time, it’s like I’m on a precipice. I’m scared. I want things to work out for us, but I’m not sure they will.”
“What makes you say that?”
“I don’t know. It’s more of a feeling. Nothing I can put my finger on.”
“Well, I wouldn’t worry about it,” she said, tugging at his hand and leading him back along the path. “It’s always a bit nerve-wracking at the start of a relationship. We don’t know each other yet. That’s the trouble, isn’t it? I’ll tell you a bit about me, as I promised, and you’ll tell me a bit about you, and with any luck the nerves will fade.”
He sighed. “You’re right. I’m being an idiot. So let’s have it then. Elaine 101. When and where were you born?”
“You seriously want this? It’s pretty boring. Okay, well…”
Stick to the truth, or as close to the truth as you can , the voice of Garfield Blake advised her. It’s safest that way – you’re less likely to contradict yourself.
Kay was about to start telling him about her childhood when she caught sight of a figure hurrying towards them.
Her stomach did a 360-degree flip when she saw who it was.